Hey, nonny, nonny, nonny, swingbatta, swingbatta, swingbatta

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  GoodPieRupeeTuesday, HookahDanangAniméAnew, VenuesChainsWithBenVereen’sNudeLegs, StiltLimeGunnerMitchWho?, April Twenny-Turd, Twenny-TurdTeen.  Forsooth, odds bodkins, and what-what-whatnot, it is, perforce, William Shakespeare’s birthday.  It is also, sources tell Us, somewhere in the vicinity of the beginning of baseball season, hence today’s subject line.  Contrary to what Americans would have Us believe, baseball was indeed played back in Shakespeare’s time.  Except they called it “cricket”, and they kept their balls in codpieces.

We do so love history here at Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!  We have to; We’ve lived through so much of it.

In more recent news, Happy Birthday to Amy, who turns twenty-four today somewhere in New Jersey.  Can it really have been ten years ago that We appeared together in Creussical: The Musical?  What talented fourteen-year-olds We were!

We had initially intended to write today’s entire e-pissode in iambic pentameter in honor of The Bard (that’s what The Kewl Kidz call Shakespeare, for those of you who aren’t The Kewl Kidz), but We have to move this along to get to some emergency script surgery on Our murder mystery.  Turns out, the interrogation scene isn’t long enough to give the kitchen adequate time to prepare the main course.  Art, as they say, isn’t easy.

We, on the other hand, are.  Easy, that is.  Try to tell as many people as you can.

Speaking of “Capital One™: what’s in YOUR codpiece?”, We are still awaiting with bated breath (which, as We have explained many times before, is different than baited breath, because, eeeeuuuuwwww) photographs of codpiece contents from Minnesota.  To quote historically from yesterday:

“And now, having spent a full twenty-four hours reflecting upon Our naked Minnesotan, One wonders if it isn’t, in fact, a little cold in Minnesota to be naked.  Shrinkage issues, and whatnot.  Perhaps naked Minnesotan experts will weigh in on this.  Hopefully with photographic evidence.”

Speaking of “Is that the Virgin Mary in your Speedo™, or are you just happy to see Us?”, as you can see above, We have released Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope:  Taurus video,

(…that inside joke was so far inside, only one of Our Gentle Readers will even understand it.  But that’s just the kind of full-service ass(tromalogical) ho(roscopulist) We are.  Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!, tickling Our Gentle Readers’ funnybones one at a time. Since 2001.)

(Micro$oft Weird™ doesn’t seem to believe that “funnybones” is a word.  Apparently, Micro$oft Weird™ hasn’t looked in Our codpiece lately.)

and We could not wait to Cher.  Here is the link with which you will share it with your friends, enemies, frenemies, enemists, and frenulums:

http://youtu.be/iGNw4zF7MSs

Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is last year’s Taurus video for comparison:

And now (changing, for some artifactual reason, to birthday-cake-icing-baby-blue), here are the HorrorScopes:

Speaking of Shakespeare, the following thespian luminaries are also having birthdays today:  Barry Watson, of Seventh Heaven fame (and who ISN’T waiting for his Hamlet?); Valerie Bertinelli, who may finally be ready to give Us a truly memorable Lady MacScottishPlay; Lee Majors, clearly on the verge of redefining King Lear; Joyce DeWitt (could there BE a more brilliant choice to don trousers and blackface for Othello?); and, of course, Herve Villechaize, who unfortunately shuffled off this mortal coil before giving Us the definitive Richard III.

Now is the best possible time for you to get started on something new.  (Jeebus Cripes, We just got done casting an entire season of Shakespeare…you want We should do a bubble dance?)

 It could be a new house, a new job or even a new romance — but you’re feeling the urge to leave the past behind for good.  (Yeah, leaving the past behind tends to be a good idea.  Because if you are looking forward to the past?  You’re going to be seriously disappointed.)

There are several key facts you still don’t know, (Do We know that We don’t know them?  And how do We know that We don’t know them, if We don’t know them?  Is puzzlement.)

so this is not a good time for any major action. (It is, on the other hand, an excellent time for some privates action.)

(Paging Minnesota…Minnesota, to the white courtesy phone please…)

If you are trying to come (Heh. )

to a decision about a person you have just met, an opportunity that has just arrived on your doorstep, (Opportunity is at the door, and you should see her knockers!)

or an upcoming travel itinerary, hold off making any commitments right now.  (Oh, no, you don’t!  We have had commitment papers drawn up, and We are having him committed!  And won’t he be SURPRISED!)

New acquaintances just immediately get you. (Well, aren’t they lucky?)

(Apropos of nothing, We walked all the way to Our class at Drexel yesterday.  Why are We not thin?)

Could it be that there’s a potential romantic attraction here?  (It certainly could be.  We are attracted to so many people.  The problem is, they are never attracted to Us.)

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Grind your behind till you’re banned

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for ToonsDay, October 23, 2012.  Happy birthday to AJ, who turns twenty-four today!  Which means We have entered Scorpio.  Which means there’s a brand spanking (oooohhh!!!) new Time of the Month Horoscope video above for your viewing pleasure.  (Although why it says "Aquarius", We haven't got any idea.) Here is the link with which you could Cher it with your friends, if you were (subjunctively) so inclined and if you had (subjunctively) friends: http://youtu.be/UiJLA4MRNNg .  Enjoy!

Here at Casa de CrazyPants, We are embroiled in a boner fried mystery.  And not just the one We recently penned.  Of course, We shan’t go into detail, as it is always at least remotely possible that We are simply being dense, and that there really is no mystery at all.

How wuzzat for a whole lotta vague?  And right away We give you some more…

Yesterday, We were the victim of such a display of blatant rudeness that We almost cannot believe it even happened.  We MUST be mistaken, We said to Ourself as We kept right on walking in Our best Miss Manners Mince, because no one could possibly have such shocking disregard for taste, breeding, and The Feelings Of Others.

On the other hand, she wore a white glove.  On the other other hand (because she’s tricky that way, with her three hands), since We were meant not to see what We pretended not to see, the other party thinks they got away with it, so We can plot Our revenge in peace.

Meanwhile, the following is happening this Friday and Saturday, and next Wednesday:

The WaitStaff’s Halloween Match Game Extravaganza!

 The Real Housewives of South Philly join host Gene Rayburn and the usual assortment of ding-a-lings for a kreepy, kooky, mysterious and spooky, altogether ooky Halloween edition of The Match Game!

Friday and Saturday, October 26 & 27, and Wednesday, October 31 (that's Halloween!)  All shows are at 7:30.

Get your tickets here: http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/284819

Speaking of complete non sequiturs (as opposed, presumably, to the incomplete kind), here is last year’s Scorpio video to compare with this year’s (see above):

Here’s the HorrorScope:

It is Weird Al Yankovic’s birthday.  Just so ya know.

Your goals are within reach — in fact, you can basically blow (ExSQUEEZE Us?)

past that next milestone today, if you feel like it! (What if we feel like Chicken Tonight™, Chicken Tonight™?)

(We know We had a Chicken Tonight™ discussion in these e-pisstles at one point, so We went and looked it up.  It happened here:

                                                                                  

http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2011/04/hippity-hoppity.html

Apparently, We used to be a lot funnier, before We started getting embroiled in mysteries and treated rudely.  To wit:

Because We are indeed an inquiring mind who wants to know, We just looked up that old “Chicken Tonight” product to see if it still exists.  (For those too young to recall (and, seriously, if you’re too young to recall that, back the hell away from Mommy’s computer and get back in your playpen) Chicken Tonight™ was a jar of high fructose corn syrup designed to ruin an entire pan of perfectly good chicken.)  And it does, in fact, still exist, just not in this country. They have it in the UK, amongst other places, where they also have (and We SWEAR We are not making this up) a related product called “Sausages Tonight™”.

                         

We feel like sausages tonight, sausages tonight…

Has a certain ring to it, no?  Although One must, philosophically, come to terms with the greed inherent in feeling like more than one…

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Meanwhile, how is it possible that it is already April Twenty-Twoth, and We have just this very minute discovered that April is National Poetry Month?

Two Siamese twins from Salinas 

Were conjoined from birth at the penis.

“We’d enjoy a good fu(k,

But we’re sh1t outta luck,

‘Cause there’s only one penis between us.”

Kiss Us quick, We’re Robert Frost in drag as Maya Angelou.

See?)

Make sure that you’re not leaving your friends or coworkers behind, though! (What’s all this about Our friends’ behinds?)

What visions do you have for your future? (Well, if We ever finish this stupid horoscope, We’re going shopping.)

If you haven’t given thought to where you want your life to be in the next five, ten or twenty years, today is a great day to put your mind to the task. (Way to cheer up the joint.  Bee-yotch.)

It’s more important than ever for you to understand what you want for yourself, and it won’t take long for you to put together some fantasies about what you’d ideally like to have. (Indeed.  We have no shortage of fantasies.  In fact, We venture to say, We have so many fantasies, they should have their own island.)

(De plane, Boss, de plane!  Who’s on top tonight, Boss?)

And fantasies can be the blueprint for your reality if you’re ready to put in the necessary efforts.  (If you’re gonna start in with that “viZZZualize The Secret” crap, count Us out.  We can viZZZualize all We want, We ain’t never gonna conjure up Johnny Depp’s phone number.)

Someone in your group — or maybe just one degree removed  (Kevin Bacon?)

— has something to offer in the way of romance now. (Would it be rude to call Kevin Bacon and ask him for Johnny Depp’s phone number?  Inquiring minds want to know.)

Maybe it’s an introduction to something or someone new. (Or maybe We’re hoping that none of all y’all noticed that We were too lazy to look up how to spell Hervé Villechaize.)

Find out. (YOU find out.  We’re still trying to figger out the part about Our friends’ behinds.)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

Fifty million Frenchmen can’t be wrong

                                           

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for ThurgoodMarshall’sDay, July 14, 2011.  We were not even going to epistlize today, as We have about four hundred kabillion and eleventy-twelve things to do, and not an indentured servant in sight to accomplish them for Us, but then We realised that We could not possibly let Bastille Day pass wizzout weeshing ‘Appy Bastille Day to all Our Bastillian friends. (Micro$oft Weird™ appears to be of the opinion that “epistlize” is not a word.  Don’t tell them that in the basement of the Bike Stop.  Saint Paul and the Corinthians will be very upset.  (You got that that was two separate thoughts, right?  We were not implying that you would find Saint Paul and the Corinthians in the basement of the Bike Stop. (It’s Thursday, fercrissakes.  Everybody knows Saint Paul and the Corinthians are at Woody’s on Thursday night.)))

Another reason why We felt compelled to epistle all over you all today is that We just discovered that Everybody’s Favorite Singer-Songwriter  dropped her latest single today, complete with video, and We would have been totally remiss had We (subjunctively) not shared it with you.  So, without further epistling, ladies and genitals, We give you Ms. Brie Feingold-Africa, with her new Number-One-With-A-Bullet single, “Blue-Eyed Neighbor” (it will no doubt annoy her that We  say this, but Ms. Feingold-Africa is work-safe.   (Or at least her song is.)):

(Heh.  We said “Number One”.)

In other video news, here is this, courtesy of OurMizDonna, which also amused Us this morning.  It, too, is work-safe, although they do use the word “uterus” at one point.  Which is hysterical.  (That last bit was a little etymological humor for Our word-nerd readers.  Those of you who don’t get why putting “uterus” and “hysterical” together is, well, hysterical, just go look at the video.  (Please note that We absolve Ourselves from any responsibility for any unexpected excretia you may generate while howling at same.)):

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/ed64755ab1/her-first-period

Speaking of excretia (as one does), why not pay a visit to Us in video land…maybe even click Our “Like” button (did that sound dirty to you?  Because it sounded dirty to Us.  And We haven’t had Our “Like” button clicked in YEARS.) Or even share Us with a friend.  Even if they AREN’T having a birthday. Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscope: Cancer video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p3cqsTuxavM  

And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for: Andy Dick’s anal probe. Alternatively, the HorrorScope:

Seize any opportunity that comes your way (We trust you’ve been following along long enough to know this, but, for any newbies, when you see an opportunity, seize it by the knockers.  (We shall eventually be crowned queen of Rutherford B. Hayes Junior High School.  (We just pulled President Hayes out of Our proverbial (and ever-expanding) ass…let’s go Google on Wikipedia for a moment…We’ll be right back (or “BRB”, as the kidz say)… turns out, there IS an ACTUAL Rutherford B. Hayes Junior High School .  In Youngstown, Ohio.  Why-oh-why-oh-why-oh would anyone live in Ohio?)))

(It occurs to Us that We know nothing whatsoever about your Yankee President Rutherford B. Hayes.  Not only that, We don’t care all that much.  But Millard Fillmore’s mother was black.)

— act on instinct to get ahead. (Oh, please. Do anything you need to to get head.)

Your energy isn’t right for making plans, (Well, you know what They say: it’s best to plan to be laid by mice and men. (Although how the mice fit into the equation, We’re not exactly sure.))

and especially poor for sticking to them, but improvising is your specialty right now.  (Actually, gastroenterology is Our specialty. And yes, that DID come out of Us.)

(Okay, that there?  May have been the most highbrow fart joke ever told.)

Today you should continue to play the game that everyone else has been playing. (With Our luck, it’ll be Chutes and Ladders.)

Sure, it might be a little boring, and it certainly isn’t doing anything to get you closer to your latest goal, but it’s the language everyone is speaking in right now. (If Saint Paul is epistling the Corinthians, is he epistling in rich Corinthian leather, or is he just epistling Dixie? (This may be the only blog on the entire WorldWideInterWebNetz that contained a Ricardo Montalban joke this morning.  And, if there’s a Ricardo Montalban joke, can a Hervé Villechaize joke be far behind?  “Look, Boss!  De plane, de plane!  Who’s on top tonight, Boss?”))

 And if you want to be part of the conversation, you have to speak it, too. (Epistling Esperanto, We are.)

Prove to everyone else what a great player you are. (Or, at the very least, what a great athletic supporter.)

Once you have that credibility, you can start shaking things up.  (Beginning with your booty.)

You need to tell that inner critic to shut up and let you finish. (Shut up and let Us finish.  (How the hell did Gene Shalit get in there, anyway?))

(When’s the last time YOU thought about Gene Shalit?)

Whether you’re setting up your online profile or trying to work up the nerve to ask someone out, remind yourself that you can do it! (Note to Self:  new children’s book: The Little Engine That Really Couldn’t.)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

*****************************************************************************  

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

Running for the shelter of her Mother’s Little Helper

Greetings, Esthete Repeats Indiscreet Countertweet---

Here is your horoscope for Wednesday, December 01, 2010 (Ah, December!  Clearly coming in like a lanai, and out like a lambada instructor.  (Whatever happened to the lambada?  Once a dance craze, now not even recognized by Micro$oft Weird™.  Sigh.  All good things must come to Our rear end.)  Happy birthday in advance to Blair, who turns twenty-four today. (As he is, We just recently learned, a New Reader of Erix Daily Horoscope, a veritable virgin with a hypothetical hymen…(ooops, sorry; We forgot Ourself.  Once again behaving in a manner We had sworn to eschew (gesundheit (thank you)))…We will deign to explain that the rain in Spain stays mainly in de plane, Boss, de plane…and also that We turn twenty-four over and over again until We get it right.  Although, if you were (subjunctively) looking at a pixture of Blair instead of whatever Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus It’s Too Fu(king Early in the Morning For A Hervé Villechaize Joke is up there staring you in the face, you would know that he did twenty-four pretty d@mn fine the first time around, just sayin’.):

(Speaking of rain, whoever is in charge of the back alley abortion that is today’s weather had better see to it that this cr@p has all ceased and desisted by tomorrow, as We have Places To Go And People To See.)

(It will no doubt be a fascinating glimpse into Our domestic goddesshood for you to learn that, as We are casting these pearls of wisdom before you, Our adoring swine (hmmm…that didn’t come out quite right, did it?), We are emptying the dishwasher and doing a load of laundry.  The tinsel, the glamour, the hustle, the bustle, the electricity in the air that is Our life!  Perhaps later, We shall put on a shirtwaist dress and pearls and run the vacuum.  (How odd that pearls appeared twice in this paragraph.  Pearl Bailey, Pearl S. Buck, Purlie Victorious Judson.))

(Anybody else still fixated on Blair’s hypothetical hymen?  Just Us?  Alrighty, then.)

 (Our-O-Scopes:)

If you don't have a press secretary, photographer and personal assistant, you should probably ask around for a few numbers. (While We could certainly avail Ourselves of the first and the third, We’re pretty sure nobody needs to see a pixture of Us at this precise moment.)

Managing your social schedule at the moment isn't something you'll want to do alone.  (Little Rhoda and her social engagements…kiss Us quick, We’re Eileen Heckart.)

Of course, you might also enlist the aid of that delightful new friend of a friend.  (Wait…Our friends have other friends?!?  Who allowed THAT to happen?)

(Just in case the suspense was killing you, We have now moved the laundry to the dryer.  And the top rack of the dishwasher is empty.  How We don’t drop dead from the excitement, We’ll never know.)

Cancel your appointments and tell your friends not to worry. (Mmm-hmm.  ‘Cause We were knee-deep in all the concern.)

No one will see you for a while (Well, of course not.  What with Our @ssz eclipsing the sun and all.)

-- no one except that one particular person you've been craving, that is.  “Craving”?  Really?  This doesn’t bode well…are We gonna fu(k ‘em, or eat ‘em?)

 Remember when you had your wisdom teeth out and the dentist gave you those wonderful pills to help with the pain? (No.  Because We never had Our wisdom teeth out.   Hence all of this WISDOM.  You’re welcome, you lucky, lucky people.)

(The dishwasher is now empty.  Heigh-ho, the glamorous life!)

You'll feel even better than that.  (Than what?  A middle-aged hag with an empty dishwasher?  Gee, thanks.  At this rate, We’ll be working Our way UP to fishwife.)

 An authority figure (Skater),

 elder (Berry),

or trusted professional (Carpet cleaner)

(See, OUR way makes it more specific.  YOUR way was extremely vague.  Now, We’re betting on the authority figure skater.  Who would Brian Boitano do?)

will be only too happy to help you make the right impression. (…ist painting.)

All you have to do is smile. (Isn’t that a song from some musical? (Or, possibly, every musical written between 1936 and 1954?))

(Well, the laundry isn’t going to fold itself.  And if We’re going to vacuum in a shirtwaist dress, We’re gonna need to squeeze into Our Playtex Living Girdle™.  So catch ya on the flip side.)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )