Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for FriedEgg, October 18rd, 2013. Happy Birthday to Ami, who turns twenty-four
today. In Little Rock. ARKANSAS, people.
Which gives her the distinction of being the only person We’ve ever
known (and, by “known”, We mean “in the WorldWideInterWebNetzian sense”, rather
than “in the ever having actually meant sense” or “in the biblical sense”) from
Arkansas.
Having recently been to Kansas for the first
time, We started Googling about on Wikipedia to see if We could discover the
etymological relationship between the words “Kansas” and “Arkansas”, and where
the pronunciation of the latter had diverged from the fun pirate pronunciation (“Arrrrr!
Kansas!”) to the current incarnation.
Unfortunately, early on in Our meanderings, We discovered that there is
such a thing as “Arkansas City, Kansas”, and We were forced to cease and desist
immediately, having never quite recovered from allegedly friendly natives’
efforts to explain to Us how Kansas City is only partially in Kansas, but the
other part is in Missouri.
Geography is hard.
Arrrrrrrrrrr!!!
Speaking of hard, Picturing Peter’s Peter
Week is drawing to a close, and We have yet to receive a winning penis pixture
from Peter, Allen, OR Kevin. (Or from
Peter Allen, but that is much less surprising, as he is dead.) There is a serious prize at stake here,
gentlemen…hop to it!
Meanwhile, from The Ask For What You Want; Who Knows…You
Might Get It Department, We are thisclose to announcing a live public
appearance date in the city for November.
And, at that very same time, We shall divulge details of Our November appearance
in suburbia.
Perhaps by the time these announcements are to be made, We
shall have been invited to appear in Arkansas City, Missouri. Which is probably in Canada.
Sorry…We
just paused there for a second to Picture Peter’s Peter in the same room with
the other two gentlemen, whom We have in fact seen naked. As One does.
And
here is the HorrorScope:
As
if it were (subjunctively) not joyous enough that it is Friday, and the sun is
shining…it is Zac Efron’s birthday.
Rejoice and be glad.
Your explorations are the stuff of legend, (Oh,
please. Arkansas City, Kansas made Us
have to go lie down.)
and today you need to make sure that your legend is heard
far and wide. (Attend the tale of
Sweeney Todd…he skinned a whale and undressed a cod…)
(What?)
You may find that your people are more than willing to
follow your lead. (Well, if Our lead is
Zac Efron, DUH.)
Okay, so there’s only one more night left for you to spend
celebrating. (Indeed. Picturing Peter’s
Peter Week is coming (heh) sadly to a close.
As did Picturing Allen And Kevin Naked Week before it. Whom should We picture naked next week? Weigh in with your suggestions…the winning
suggestion will receive a prize.)
(The SAME prize, in fact, that Peter, Allen, or Kevin could
receive for one pee-pee Polaroid™. Just
sayin’.)
Does that mean you won’t be able to relax and enjoy it?
(Well, it’s been quite a while, but I’m sure We’ll figger it out.)
Oh, sure…like you’ve
ever had a problem letting go before, no matter where you were or who you were
with. (We have no idea what that means.
Perhaps if We all put Our thumbs on Uranus, We’ll know exactly where We
are.)
(Everything’s up-to-date in Arkansas City…they’ve gone
about as fer as they can go…)
(What?)
But speaking of
problems, your worst one now will be deciding which wonderful invitation to
accept — poor, poor you! (Shouldn’t that
be “poor, poor pitiful you”? (Also, kiss
Us quick, We’re Linda Ronstadt.))
Put that calendar away and do something totally
unpredictable! (Sit and spin on a
sundial.)
(Didn’t see THAT coming, didja?)
Don’t think too hard about that date or worry too much
about what to say to your crush. (Is he orange?)
(Give it a minute….THERE ya go!)
Treat life like an improv theater act. (All things
considered, We’d rather not. Improv
generally sucking the shit out of dead rats, as it does.)
In gaseousness,
Starzina Starfish-Browne
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but
better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For
real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good
friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our
Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better
by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys
Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of
the Penn rowing team.
