To love, dummy

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here, coming to you remotely with A Very Special E-Pissode of Eric's!Daily!Horoscope!

(We usually just copy this part over from day to day, so it may amuse you to know that, as today We are typing it, We started off by salutating you as "Hello, Dicks!")

Happy Birthday to Perry, who turns twenty-four today in The City That Loves You (On Your) back.


In other news of vital importance to the realm, We are hard at work, shoulder to the wheel, nose to the grindstone, nipples to the wind, and titz akimbo, writing  the script for Our Fringe show .   We are talking, of course, about  LOOKING FOR URANUS:  Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour , the Kickstarter fundraiser for  which can be found here:  


http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/635878991/looking-for-uranus-starzina-starfish-brownes-comeb 








Thanks to all of Our investors so far, whose generosity has pushed Us over the 50%- funded mark!







(Please do NOT let this fact deter you from helping out…We only get the funds if We become 100% funded.)





Another way to help out (and thanks to the many of you who have already done this) is to share the project with your SitOnMyFaceBook friends.







And, of course, they also help who show the hell up, so here is where tickets can be obtained: http://fringearts.ticketleap.com/looking-for-uranus-starzina-starfish-brownes-comeback-tour/#view=calendar

As We are so hard (ahem) at work, today's e-pissode is an encore presentation from approximately a year ago:

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for  Thursday, August 09, 2012.  Happy belated birthday to TCBITWWW, who turned twenty-four yesterday on The Left Coast, three hours later than he would have turned twenty-four  had he (subjunctively) still lived on The Right Coast, where We could have wished him a happy twenty-fourth birthday in person.  The physical universe and the time-space continuum can be very annoying sometimes.

We trust the rest of you had a happy Hump Day in Our absence.  We were off humping unto others as We would have them hump unto Ourselves.  (We weren’t, actually, but We just had a burning yearning to type that sentence and see if the meretricious calumny of it would cause Our keyboard to burst into flames.  (It did not.  Sigh.))

(Does anybody need a drag name?  Because We’re offering up Meretricious Calumny for free.)

Some days Our coffee tastes good, some days Our coffee tastes bad.  It’s the same damn coffee.  (Pee’s in the porridge pot, nine days old.)

We were actually busy having a wonderful day yesterday.  We had several lovely electronic communications via Our InterNetz, then We betook Ourself to the country to see some very talented people in a wonderful piece of theater.  The People’s Light production of Mr. Hart and Mr. Brown, if you must know.  We had never been to People’s Light before.  It is in Peoria, or some such place.  All We know is, had We (subjunctively) stayed on the train a few minutes longer, We could have been visiting The Sainted Mother in Altoona.  But Our dear friend Justin Bieber (not to name drop, or anything) was strutting and fretting his hour upon the stage, and as We hadn’t seen him thespianizing since the independent fillum We made together, We trundled off.  (Although why there was no nude scene, We’ll never know.)

Here, in case your memory needs to go jogging, is Our independent fillum with the aforementioned Mister Bieber:

In other news, everyone’s favorite sketch comedy troupe The WaitStaff will be doing two Very Special Preview Performances of their Fringe show, The Real Housewives of South Philly Play The Match Game!, on Sunday, August 19 at 7 and on Thursday, August 23 at 7:30 at L’Etage.  SitOnMyFaceBook events have more info here http://www.facebook.com/events/431133030262749/ and here http://www.facebook.com/events/485179294844645/ and tickets are available here: 

http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/265032

 The contestants for these performances will be artists from other (funny) Fringe shows.  For example, on the 19^th, the contestants will include The Lovely And Talented Greg Nix, one of the merry murderers from Jeff Coon and Ben Dibble Must Die, The Equally Lovely And Talented John D’Alonzo, who is playing Ivona, Princess of Burgundia in the play of the same name by the Idiopathic Ridiculopathy Consortium (it just occurred to Us that that makes him titular…We must alert the media) and the No Less Lovely And Talented Bill McKinlay, of the MacKnight Foundation’s I Hate Monologues and The Alphabet Plays.

Here’s the HorrorScope:

Oh, sure.  NOW We find out that it’s Melanie Griffith’s birthday!  When all the good gifts are probably already gone.

Your core values are being challenged today (Oh, please.  We sold those on e-Bay weeks ago.)

— but you can rise to the occasion. (That’s what she said.)

Just make sure that you’re focused on whatever is most important to you, (Well, since it’s too late to go shopping for Melanie Griffith’s birthday, We guess We’ll just have to think about Ourself.)

(Apropos of absolutely nothing, We just went Googling on Wikipedia to find out if We missed any important celebrity birthdays yesterday.  We didn’t, although, coincidentally, it was Donny Most’s birthday, and We just mentioned him in here earlier in the week.  So much for his fifteen minutes.  At any rate, Wikipedia wanted Us to know that yesterday was the birthday of some Austrian fashion designer whose claim to fame was “inventing” the topless bathing suit.  You wear a two-piece bathing suit, you take your top off.  Where’s all this “inventing”?)

(And now all of Our str8 boi readers are picturing Us in a topless bathing suit.  You’re welcome.)

 and that others can hear you out.  (We have no recollection of how this sentence started out, and no inclination to learn.)

When you loaned a friend some money, (Where did We get money?)

you didn’t intend to finance an irresponsible lifestyle choice (How is it Our business what somebody does with money We lend them?)

— but today it looks like that’s exactly what happened.  (Yawn.)

But when you choose to give someone a gift, it’s theirs to do with what they will — there are no strings attached unless you put them there to begin with. (No fucking shit.)

So you can’t get mad if they’re not treating your money the way you would. (Today’s guest Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist), Ayn Rand.)

All you can do is keep this in mind next time they come asking for funds.  (First We had money, now We have “funds”?  Apparently, somebody’s been rooting through Our sofa cushions.)

Now’s a great time to take that relationship out of cyberspace and into reality.  (Well, good.  Because Our usual relationships take a long time to inflate.)

Arrange a meeting with your favorite online buddy. (Buddy Ebsen?  Buddy Hackett? Buddy Holly?  They’re all dead, and We ain’t datin’ ‘em.)

Keep your expectations in check, (Check, please.)

 and if the sparks don’t fly (The winged monkeys will.)

— it’s all right.  (Easy for you to say. YOU’RE not the one showing up at Melanie Griffith’s birthday party without a gift.)

 

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

 

Baby, baby, baby, oh

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for  Thursday, August 09, 2012.  Happy belated birthday to TCBITWWW, who turned twenty-four yesterday on The Left Coast, three hours later than he would have turned twenty-four  had he (subjunctively) still lived on The Right Coast, where We could have wished him a happy twenty-fourth birthday in person.  The physical universe and the time-space continuum can be very annoying sometimes.

We trust the rest of you had a happy Hump Day in Our absence.  We were off humping unto others as We would have them hump unto Ourselves.  (We weren’t, actually, but We just had a burning yearning to type that sentence and see if the meretricious calumny of it would cause Our keyboard to burst into flames.  (It did not.  Sigh.))

(Does anybody need a drag name?  Because We’re offering up Meretricious Calumny for free.)

Some days Our coffee tastes good, some days Our coffee tastes bad.  It’s the same damn coffee.  (Pee’s in the porridge pot, nine days old.)

We were actually busy having a wonderful day yesterday.  We had several lovely electronic communications via Our InterNetz, then We betook Ourself to the country to see some very talented people in a wonderful piece of theater.  The People’s Light production of Mr. Hart and Mr. Brown, if you must know.  We had never been to People’s Light before.  It is in Peoria, or some such place.  All We know is, had We (subjunctively) stayed on the train a few minutes longer, We could have been visiting The Sainted Mother in Altoona.  But Our dear friend Justin Bieber (not to name drop, or anything) was strutting and fretting his hour upon the stage, and as We hadn’t seen him thespianizing since the independent fillum We made together, We trundled off.  (Although why there was no nude scene, We’ll never know.)

Here, in case your memory needs to go jogging, is Our independent fillum with the aforementioned Mister Bieber:

In other news, everyone’s favorite sketch comedy troupe The WaitStaff will be doing two Very Special Preview Performances of their Fringe show, The Real Housewives of South Philly Play The Match Game!, on Sunday, August 19 at 7 and on Thursday, August 23 at 7:30 at L’Etage.  SitOnMyFaceBook events have more info here http://www.facebook.com/events/431133030262749/ and here http://www.facebook.com/events/485179294844645/ and tickets are available here: 

http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/265032

 The contestants for these performances will be artists from other (funny) Fringe shows.  For example, on the 19^th, the contestants will include The Lovely And Talented Greg Nix, one of the merry murderers from Jeff Coon and Ben Dibble Must Die, The Equally Lovely And Talented John D’Alonzo, who is playing Ivona, Princess of Burgundia in the play of the same name by the Idiopathic Ridiculopathy Consortium (it just occurred to Us that that makes him titular…We must alert the media) and the No Less Lovely And Talented Bill McKinlay, of the MacKnight Foundation’s I Hate Monologues and The Alphabet Plays.

Here’s the HorrorScope:

Oh, sure.  NOW We find out that it’s Melanie Griffith’s birthday!  When all the good gifts are probably already gone.

Your core values are being challenged today (Oh, please.  We sold those on e-Bay weeks ago.)

— but you can rise to the occasion. (That’s what she said.)

Just make sure that you’re focused on whatever is most important to you, (Well, since it’s too late to go shopping for Melanie Griffith’s birthday, We guess We’ll just have to think about Ourself.)

(Apropos of absolutely nothing, We just went Googling on Wikipedia to find out if We missed any important celebrity birthdays yesterday.  We didn’t, although, coincidentally, it was Donny Most’s birthday, and We just mentioned him in here earlier in the week.  So much for his fifteen minutes.  At any rate, Wikipedia wanted Us to know that yesterday was the birthday of some Austrian fashion designer whose claim to fame was “inventing” the topless bathing suit.  You wear a two-piece bathing suit, you take your top off.  Where’s all this “inventing”?)

(And now all of Our str8 boi readers are picturing Us in a topless bathing suit.  You’re welcome.)

 and that others can hear you out.  (We have no recollection of how this sentence started out, and no inclination to learn.)

When you loaned a friend some money, (Where did We get money?)

you didn’t intend to finance an irresponsible lifestyle choice (How is it Our business what somebody does with money We lend them?)

— but today it looks like that’s exactly what happened.  (Yawn.)

But when you choose to give someone a gift, it’s theirs to do with what they will — there are no strings attached unless you put them there to begin with. (No fucking shit.)

So you can’t get mad if they’re not treating your money the way you would. (Today’s guest Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist), Ayn Rand.)

All you can do is keep this in mind next time they come asking for funds.  (First We had money, now We have “funds”?  Apparently, somebody’s been rooting through Our sofa cushions.)

Now’s a great time to take that relationship out of cyberspace and into reality.  (Well, good.  Because Our usual relationships take a long time to inflate.)

Arrange a meeting with your favorite online buddy. (Buddy Ebsen?  Buddy Hackett? Buddy Holly?  They’re all dead, and We ain’t datin’ ‘em.)

Keep your expectations in check, (Check, please.)

 and if the sparks don’t fly (The winged monkeys will.)

— it’s all right.  (Easy for you to say. YOU’RE not the one showing up at Melanie Griffith’s birthday party without a gift.)

 

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

Here’s a little story ‘bout a man named Jed

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Wednesday, May 25, 2011. Happy Hump-A-Day Miss Jane Hathaway.  (Now THERE’RE two things that don’t belong in the same sentence together.  Of course,  as an Inquiring Mind Who Wants To Know, We had just perforce to look up Miss Nancy Kulp, who would, it turns out, were she (subjunctively) still alive, be ninety this year.  She was, apparently, in her later life, an out lesbian.  Quelle surprise. (Didja hear the one about the Polish lesbian?  She liked men.))

Speaking of later in life, We are having difficulty assessing whether We are sick with a cold, or whether We have developed allergies this late in life.   Is it possible to be allergic to menopause?

Apparently, some of Our Gentle Readers were disturbed by Monday’s Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Buddy Ebsen Irene Ryan Max Baer Donna Douglass (hark, a theme emerges).  So, to soothe your nerves, We have chosen a much more tranquil image today.  It is a still life entitled “Still Our Life”.  Enjoy.

Speaking of enjoy, the deafening silence in response to Our latest autistic endeavor makes Us wonder if some of you out there have neglected to pay your YouTube bill.  We realize that We are a brilliant and glamorous artiste who makes it all look effortless, but trust Us, there were efforts involved.  Are said efforts so unworthy of comment?  Did someone move your “Like” button?  Has it occurred to no one that We have given you a gift that keeps on giving, which you could cheerfully slap onto the SitOnMyFaceBook pages of any of your friends who are having a birthday, whether We know them or not?  Don’t MAKE Us shoot this kitten.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YBwdacfn2Vk

So We were busy dreaming again last night.  We had a very lovely dream, which We unfortunately don’t remember, because We woke up and went back to sleep and had a dream about going to an audition.  A DANCE audition.  For people in their 20s.  We’re not entirely sure, but We may have been wearing a headband.  In case you were wondering if it is possible to wake up embarrassed, it is.

We don’t recall who sent Us to the audition in the dream, but We were told that it was for dancers in their 20s after arriving there by two actors whom We only know in Our dreams.  (By “whom  We only know in Our dreams”, We don’t mean like, say, Johnny Depp, whom We don’t know in real life, but might (ahem) have  dream about, but rather two actors who, to the best of Our knowledge, do not actually exist in real life, but have been recurring characters in Our dreams for some time now.)

Does this happen to you, too, or are We just out of what’s left of what used to pass for something resembling Our mind?  For example, there is a wonderful restaurant that We’ve only ever been to in Our dreams, and often We try to take people there (in Our dreams) but We can’t always find it.  Not because We’re geographically challenged, but because you have to go through several other restaurants to get there.

Oh, dear.  We can see you edging for the door and surreptitiously dialing the authorities. Let’s change the subject, shall We?

James van der Beek has a really large head, no?

How about a horoscope?

Messages aren’t always clear, (Massages, alternatively, are often queer.)

and on a day like today, (On a clear day, you can’t see the weather…)

(Kiss Us quick, We’re Barbra Streisand.)

it might feel as if you’re in a foreign film without subtitles. (Or a domestic film without subtleties.)

(See what We did there?)

Just smile and nod and press on (Smile and Nod and Press On Your Nails…that’s the title of Our memoirs.  No word yet on the subtitles.  But expect a complete lack of subtleties.)

— if anything is really important, you’ll hear about it later. (Later than everyone else, you mean.  Sigh.)

People do not always practice what they preach, (They do invariably, however, cactus what they screech.)

(No.  We’ve no idea.  Move on.)

and it might seem as though someone has an ulterior motive when she or he makes a huge effort to help others today. (God humps those who hump themselves.)

(What does that even MEAN?)

This person’s enthusiasm might not make any sense to you right now, (Enthusiasm in general doesn’t make any sense to Us right now.)

but that doesn’t necessarily mean that anything fishy is going on. (Animals as Adjectives:  crabby, catty, ducky, horsy, assy.)

Keep mum about your suspicions for now, and wait at least until the afternoon before sounding any alarm bells. (It IS the afternoon.  PANIC!!!)

Being a tattletale isn’t really your style, anyway.  (We shall report you to the authorities for saying that.)

Real issues need real answers. (Also, real ballrooms need real dancers.  What’s your point?)

If you can’t motivate yourself to start up dating again, (Oh, please.  We can’t motivate Ourself to put a spoon in the dishwasher.)

 then it could be time to consider seeing a professional (A dating professional?  Wouldn’t that be…a prostitute?)

for a deeper look into your mental state. (Nebraska.)

You could find that the solution is simpler than you think. (Yeah.  ‘Cause THAT happens.)

(Watch video.  Like. Favorite.  Share with friends.)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

*****************************************************************************  

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.