And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Monday, May 16, 2011.  Happy belated Friday the 13^th to Juan Anne Doll.  As those of you who were not nakedly skimming no doubt noticed (There are three “no”s so far in this sentence…are triple negatives grammatically correct? (In the age of digital photography, does anyone even know what a negative is?)  Of COURSE they are; this is OUR life; the negatives just keep on piling on.), there was a little glitch in Bloggonia on Thursday/Friday, and Google’s blogspot went down like a cheap whore for umpteen and eleventy-twelve hours.  It has since recovered, and had damn well better stay that way, as We have an announcement forthcoming on Friday that will change the face of Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulism) for Good Anne Doll Jane Goodall Morris Udall Joan Blondell Arlene Dahl.

(“Umpteen” = “a word”.  “Eleventy” = “not a word”.  “Went down like a cheap whore” = “a colorful simile of staggering brilliance”.  As you were.)

Our announcement will be just in time, coming as it does on Rapture Eve.  One day later, and people would be too busy ascending directly into Heaven to pay any attention to Little Old Us.  (As a public service, We shall at this juncture point out that there are only five more shopping days till The Rapture.  We Our Own Self Personally have, of course, finished Our Rapture shopping and wrapped all of Our Rapture presents, which We will put under the Rapture tree as soon as We finish trimming it later today. (Meanwhile, when all these religious whackadoodle wingnuts are still here come Sunday, meaning they haven’t Raptured any damn where, can they please shut their stupid ignorant moronic mouths and stop trying to run the gummint?  KThxBye.))

Here at Casa de CrackWhore, We are just a leetle cranky this morning.  (Jimmy smokes crack, and I don’t care… (Who said that?)) Partially We are under the weather (which, as you will have noticed, is total pants), and partially We are annoyed as We have a somewhat Sisyphean task to perform.  (Actually, We are misusing Sisyphus here….Sisyphus knew how to do his task; he just kept having to do it over and over.  We have no idea how to do Ours, but, if We get it done, which We don’t know how to do, We’ll only have to do it once, but We don’t know how, so chances of it happening are Virginia Slims Nuns.  We are not, however, editing Sisyphean out, because using words like “Sisyphus” and “Sisyphean” might delude some of you into thinking We are smart, unless you also happened to notice “Virginia Slims Nuns”, in which case you will be drawing up commitment papers.).

We could continue to wax poetical, or We could start the HorrorScope, so We can finish and get started with The Task We Know Not How To Do.  Alternatively, We could wax the carrot somewhere in between.  Whatevs.

It occurs to Us that We have been remiss in mentioning Himself’s endeavors (or, indeed, come to think of it, Himself), so We should point out that, following their critically acclaimed sold-out performance at Helium Comedy Club in March, the WaitStaff Sketch Comedy Strormtroopers will triumphantly return to same on June 1th, and would love to see you there.  Further info can be found here:  http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=216397555056276  Tickets here: https://www.seatengine.com/venue/helium-comedy-club/event/471

Perhaps if Himself would get his lazy ass out of bed, he could help Us with The Task We Know Not How To Do.  However, We are fairly sure that he is even more clueless than We are.

The HorrorScope:

You’re stuck in an uncomfortable situation — watch out for reality show cameras! (Oh, please.  Reality television would be a step up around here.  C’mon over, We’ll eat a bug.)

It may end up being hilarious or just stupid, (Those two are not mutually exclusive, ya know.  We are living proof. (Also, We are wearing a Living Girdle™. (Well, We aren’t really, but We should be.)))

but at least you can take solace in the fact that it’s over quickly.  (Or, you could take Colace™ and poop like a champion.)

 All the shopping and adventure-seeking you’ve been up to lately has sure been fun, but it has also done quite a job on your budget. (Do people who keep budgies have a budgie budget?  Do people who wear wedgies have wedgie widgets?  And what if those same people are midgets?)

(It’s a cry for help, people.)

(Since obviously no one is going to help Us, We are left to contemplate why Micro$oft Weird™ grants wordhood to “wedgies” but not “wedgie”.  People who only have one leg enjoy stylish footwear too.)

(Is anyone else now picturing a one-legged person wearing a wedgie?  Is the person you are picturing engaged in a three-legged race, or is that just Us?)

(Meanwhile, why does Micro$oft Weird™ not grant wordhood to “wordhood”?)

 The rainy-day fund isn’t getting any bigger on its own (Wait…We’re expected to PAY for this weather?!?)

… it might be time to face the fact that you need to tighten your belt (Not bloody likely.  Muumuus don’t HAVE belts.)

and kiss some of those fancy espresso drinks goodbye — for a little while. (Does anyone have any idea what the hell she’s nattering on about?)

A small sacrifice here and there will make a big difference over time. (Fine.  Bring Us a virgin. Or a goat.  Or a virgin goat.  (Not YOU, GoatFucker.))

Do yourself a favor by setting a savings goal — and sticking to it!  (What exactly are We supposed to be saving?  The two nickels We don’t have to rub together?  The Chuck-E-Cheez token and the Canadian dollar We found in the gutter last month?  S&H Green Stamps?)

(All of Our under-24 readers just collectively said, “What the fuck are S&H Green Stamps?”  Sigh.  Aren’t they cute?)

 Find a quiet space to ask yourself what’s really underlying your choices lately. (What, there’s a problem suddenly with “eeny, meeny, miney, moe”? (Other than what exactly We are catching by its toe these days?))

Did you turn down that last date request just because you were nervous? (Wait…someone asked Us on a date?  Where are Our hearing aids when We need them?)

Be as honest as you can, and you should make good decisions. (Alternatively, lie like a cheap rug, and you can TELL everybody you made good decisions.)

*****************************************************************************  

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

Karma karma karma karma karma chameleon

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Friday, February 04, 2011.  Here at Casa de Curmudgeon, we have Miss Tina Turner’s Simply the Best stuck in our head for no apparent reason.  (There is clearly nothing “best” about any of this.)  Himself is still fast abed, having, when last heard from, a dream about running into someone that he hoped never to see again.  On the plus side, he hasn’t dreamt of the EAC since that dream a few weeks back when they “fired” him the second time.

On the plus siZe, Himself’s ass.

Meanwhile, really?  More snow tomorrow?  Didn’t some wretched rodent promise us an early spring just two days ago?  Why do you Yanks keep that revolting groundhog on the payroll anyway?  (We don’t have groundhogs in England.  (I actually verified that on the WorldWideInterWebNetz.  This is how tedious and futile my life has become.  Weep for me.)  We do, however, have stinking badgers.  Not, of course, that we NEED them or anything.)

See what I did there?

You may recall that, several days ago, I opined that, if everyone reading this sent me a dollar, I would have one dollar.  Well, one Gentle Reader did in fact send a dollar, so I now have one dollar.  That, and my singular world view has been once again validated.  Thank yew, Gentle Reader.

Pease porridge in the pot, nine days old.

I have no idea where that came from.

Here is that WaitStaff show information again.  (Be prepared to see a lot of it.  I am going to plug this show like Hair Plugs Club For Men, and I’m the President; it’s the only way I ever get Himself out of the house.)  The World Café Live is a lovely venue for dinner, and there is no show after the WaitStaff show, so do make plans to stay after the show for a tasteful cocktail with Himself and the cast.

The WaitStaff will be presenting an evening of Smokin’ Hot Comedy to beat the winter blues on Sunday, February 27, at 7PM at World Café Live!  Our very special guests will be Dave Terruso of Animosity Pierre and Jaylene Dulap of Jaylene and the Judge.  The doors will open at 6PM, so you can come and have dinner and/or cocktails before the show (you can also have dinner and/or cocktails during the show, as long as you promise not to hurl any of it at the stage).

Get your tickets here: http://tickets.worldcafelive.com/eventperformances.asp?evt=1616

Visit the Virtual WaitStaff on the WorldWideInterWebNetz here: http://www.thewaitstaff.com or on SitOnMyFaceBook: http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=198525196831422

For those of you still unfamiliar with the WaitStaff (and shame on you), here’s this:

Watch the full episode. See more Experience.

Your karma is informing almost everything that happens to you today, (My karma is a chameleon of a different color.  It is also, apparently, an informer.  (Informant?  (Informuncle?  (If my informant had balls, she’d be my informuncle.))))

(All this on one cup of coffee, people.  Try to keep up.)

(A chameleon of a different color…what color would that be?  Horse.)

so make sure that you’re keeping up with everything that has gone before. (Keeping up with the Joneses, specifically.  Or the Joanses.  Joan Crawford, Joan Blondell, Joan Collins, Joan of Arc.)

If you need a boost, (Sit on a phone book, wanker.)

(Children born today will have no idea what a phone book is.  Progress, pilgrims.)

try a quick good deed!  (That’s a euphemism, innit?)

You’re moving into an introspective phase right now, which is going to help you focus more on your goals for the next couple of weeks. (Well, well, well.  Doesn’t THAT all just sound deep and meaningful?  Also boring.)

The next few days should be all about keeping things quiet (And hunting wabbits?)

and spending your free time homebound rather than out on the town. (Hunting wabbits sounds like more fun.  Hunting traitorous groundhogs sounds even funner. (Oh, fine, Micro$oft Weird™…more funnerer.))

If a friend has their heart set on a crazy night out, find out whether they’re willing to spend a quiet night in. (Oh, sure, it LOOKS like a perfectly innocuous sentence.  Then you read it three times, and the Hokey-Pokey breaks out.)

They might be up for it, and the two of you can take things to a more significant level.  (Clearly, by “more significant level”, she means “having the fu(k-sex”.)

Get serious about romantic karma! (Again with the karma?  Now I’m apparently supposed to take the karma initiative.  (That?  Was a little Lost joke.  For my readers who are fans of the dear departed Lost. Sigh.))

If you help a friend put together a sweet outfit for a big date, (Candypants™!)

the universe might send someone amazing your way. (Johnny Depp in Candypants™!)

(Because my life is SOOOOO interesting, I just went and Googled “Candypants” on Wikipedia.  Turns out, there is  a band called Candypants, while the actual edible underwear product is called “Candy Pants™”.  (Who else would keep you so well-informed?))

 If you blow them off, though, things could get boring. (Obviously, you’ve never had me “blow you off”.  Bitch.)

Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.