Bye-bye, Miss American Pie

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherManicottiMonday, May 12^st  , 2014.

Happy Belated Birthday to Christine and to Dana, each of whom turned twenty-four this past weekend.

Also, Happy Duodecimo de Mayo to everybody else.

Speaking of birthdays, We are awaiting with bated breath (because We are nothing if not a master breath-bater) the arrival of Our birthday gift of tickets to see Hedwig and the Angry Inch starring Neil Patrick Harris and Leonard Nimoy…

(We are just going to keep right on saying that until that show closes, thereby demonstrating the utter futility of Creative ViZZZualization.  (Although apparently We have viZZZualized well enough that one poor deluded Gentle Reader actually imagines that We already HAVE said tickets.))

(How many of you are now picturing Leonard Nimoy as Yitzhak?  (We’ll wait.))

Speaking some more of birthdays (We are, after all, an ass(tromalogical) ho(roscopulist)), We had a  LovelyAndTalented friend over for dinner last night.  Who, because We had not seen him since prior to Our Own Personal twenty-fourth birthday, showed up at Our door with a cake to commemorate the occasion.  It had a big ol’ “E” on top.  Because he sometimes calls Us “E”.  Despite the fact that Our name is “Starzina”.  We like to imagine that “E” is for “Ecstasy”.

Actually, We like to imagine a lot of things.  But We do so love when people do nice things for Us.

And now, from The “It’s A Small World After All” Department, Our LovelyAndTalented friend informed Us that tomorrow (by which We now mean “today”), he was off to have his headshots done by Our WorldWideInterWebNetzian friend, Billy.

(Parenthetically (hence the parentheses), when you are LovelyAndTalented, you must frequently engage people to create photographic evidence of your loveliness, which you then  use to induce people to let you show them how talented you are, thereby obtaining gainful employment.)

(We were talking about acting…what did you think We were talking about?)

We were able to inform Our friend that Billy had just had a birthday this past week (his twenty-fourth…what a coinky-dink!), although We could not recall the date.  When We went to SitOnMyFaceBook to determine said date, We learned that Billy’s upcoming nuptial celebration had been derailed by a nefarious venue which had closed and absconded with his funds.  Please read about it and help out if you can here: https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/for-the-love-of-love

As all of Our Gentle Readers are no doubt aware, We are an ardent supporter of marriage equality.  (Despite the fact that no one ever wants to marry Us. (We are also an ardent athletic supporter, but that’s a digression too far.))  However, it is clear that the wedding industry is fraught with peril and evildoers, as anyone who recalls the brief meteoric career of Iris Holcombe, Wedding Consultant, will tell you.

(This story is further Small-Worldly-After-All as the Billy in question went to school with TCBITWWW…who will now be distributing this info to those folks.)

In other news, We suddenly find Ourselves (not that We were looking for Us, but it’s a figger of speech) in the sign of Taurus, Our video for which is above, and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends:
http://youtu.be/iGNw4zF7MSs

Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is Our previous Taurus video, which is somewhat of a fillum noir, if you will. (Or even if you won’t…since when is it all about you?):

Thank you, meanwhile, to everyone who came out for the radio play and/or The Mother of All Match Games.  Today’s Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!  Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Gerard Depardieu is of Charles Nelson Reilly, Brett Somers, and Mrs. Mary MotherOfGod backstage at the latter.  You’re welcome.

And now, you must stop whatever you are doing, because you cannot exist for one more moment on this planet without having experienced this:  http://shittywigsinproductionsofjoseph.tumblr.com/

And here’s the HorrorScope:

It is Jason Biggs’s birthday.  We’re not exactly sure what to do with that information, but We’re looking forward to the birthday pie.

You could charm the birds from the trees today  (What the fuck do We want with a bunch of birds?)

(Ya know, it took Us so long to write this today that We’re just gonna let the rest of it pass without commentary.  Feel free to chime in if the spirit moves you.)

(Piefuckers.)

— and you may need to do something equally impressive if you want to make the most of this terrific energy. Don’t be brash when you can be persuasive.  Your focus for the next few days will be on one thing, and one thing only: Making sure your dear ones feel warm, wonderful and, above all else, well-loved. And you’ll be extremely well equipped for the job. The universe has sent several planetary envoys to help you — but then, as fiery and determined as you are by nature, you may not need them. Defense is second only to offense on your list of specialties.  You’re eager to share your latest stories, but telling it all to someone new is only half of the getting-to-know-each-other process. Make it all about them for now — they love the attention.

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

It’s time to play the music, it’s time to light the lights…

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for GoodPieRupeeTuesday, September 24^st, 2013.

We just found out that it has been National Chicken Month all month, and none of YouPeople bothered to tell Us.

Meanwhile Happy Birthday to Mike, who turns twenty-four today, somewhere in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back, or its environs.  Happy Birthday also to Lurie, who also turns twenty-four today, somewhere in Greater Bostonia. Also too also, Happy Birthday to M Uppet, who also too also turns twenty-four today, here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.  He is made of felt and enjoys fisting, but We’re open-minded and non-discriminatory like that.

Micro$oft Weird™, in its infinite wisdom, put a blue squiggly line under “fisting” in the preceding, meaning that it imagines We have made an incorrect word choice, and that it would like to suggest a more appropriate word.  Before We looked at its suggestion, the only other word We could think of was “fasting”; as it turns out, Micro$oft Weird™’s suggestion was “fishing”.   Which makes a lot more sense, as many people do enjoy fishing, but who in the hell enjoys fasting?  (Look at your bracelet, Anna!)

We, however, stand by Our original “fisting”, as We are well-versed in Kermit and Miss Piggy and all that lot, and their peculiar proclivities.

That was a whole lotta crap about puppet sex.  Don’t get Us started on Shari Lewis and Wayland Flowers.

Speaking of things nobody told Us, We just found out that one day last week was National Talk Like A Pilates Instructor Day, and none of YouPeople told Us that, neither.

In other news, The Red-Headed Step-Child of the Philadelphia Theatrical Community has concluded the run of her show, so you will be spared entreaties to purchase tickets.  Also, despite efforts on the part of many to make her feel Less Equal Than Everybody Else, the bitch made her bank, so said show will be back to annoy you all shortly.

Thank you, meanwhile to all of those who came out and/ or supported Us.  We are already hard at work on the Kickstarter rewards.

Apropos of muffins, We have a pimple in the crook of Our elbow that makes it appear as if We have been shooting up heroin with a dirty needle.

And here is the HorrorScope:

Holy fucking crap!  All that Muppet shade We threw earlier, and it turns out to be Jim Henson’s birthday!  We had no idea!  Mayhaps We actually ARE psychic!

An email brings some strange — but welcome — news today, possibly tonight. (Seriously?   Does anybody ever get personal emails anymore?)

You may find that you need to stick with electronic communication today if you want to get anything done.  (Mmm-hmm.  Because the WorldWideInterWebNetz don’t waste Our time at all.)

You’re no angel  (Hell no…We is da Debbil.)

(Where’d THAT come from?)

(Your mother sews socks in hell.)

— especially when your fabulously mischievous side comes out to play.  (Okay, on a scale of One to Gay, how Gay is “fabulously mischievous”?  We’re thinking pretty much Paul Lynde painting watercolors of Charles Nelson Reilly fucking Liberace in a feather boa while lying in a field of pansies listening to Judy Garland singing opera.)

Naughtiness is the name of the game, (Well, so much for that Parcheesi plan.)

and you’re the grand master when it comes to making up the rules — and breaking them later on.  (Well, you know what they say:  Mercedes Ruehl was a maid in Hoboken.)

That’s the whole point of being contrary, right?  (We are not merely contrary.  We are Mary Mary QUITE contrary.)

(Heh. “Mercedes Ruehl was a maid in Hoboken.”  We kill Us.)

Fortunately, you know exactly how to turn your naughtiness from a vice into nice, especially when it comes to romance.  (We can also, for future reference, turn mice into lice, dice into rice, and the Spice Girls into Diet Slice™.)

(Okay, how many of you old farts remember Slice™?  (Specifically, Diet Apple Slice™ and rum…mmmmmm…..))

For once, you’re not tongue-tied. (But are We fist-fucked?)

Let your talent for communication do all the work. (Are. We. Fist-fucked?)

Open, easy communication is sure to clear up any misunderstandings that could get in the way of a true connection. (You mean a RAINBOW connection, riiiiight?)

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Never mind the bollocks

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for WinesDay, July Tenf, Twenny Tirteen. Happy Birthday to Lizzy, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.  Also, Happy Birthday to Vicki, who also turns twenty-four today, albeit in MaryLand, which We’ve discussed before.  (That is, We’ve discussed Maryland before, not Vicki’s twenty-fourth birthday.  Try to keep up.

(Herewith, for the benefit of any newbies in da house, is Our previous MaryLand discussion:

{Insert WayBack Machine sound effects here.}

Maryland, We have just been informed by Wikipedia, was named after somebody called Queen Henrietta Maria, who, upon being informed of said naming, is reported (possibly spuriously) to have said, “Yo, bitches…my name is Henrietta Maria…wuzzup wit’ dis “Mary Land” shit?  Why not HenriettaMariaLand?”  She made further remarks involving Queen Latifah and Finland, but, as Queen Latifah had not been born yet, and “HenriettaMariaLand” would never fit on a license plate, no one paid any attention to her.

(Mary had a little land, whose feet were shy a toe, and every day, for merriment, she slept with Jacques Cousteau.  (We have no idea where that came from.  Nursery rhymes are peculiar, no?))

{Insert reverse WayBack Machine sound effects here.}

))

And, last but not Lee Strasberg, après les digression, Happy Birthday to Loretta, who also turns twenty-four today, right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.

(It should be pointed out, for clarity and editorial accuracy’s sake, that Loretta is not the same person as LOretta, who has been mentioned in these e-pisstles before.  Even though they have now both turned twenty four at least once.  It strikes Us as slightly peculiar that We know two people named Loretta (well, technically, one person named Loretta, and one person named LOretta), and that they are both women, which adds to the confusion.  Of course, if We were (subjunctively) to travel in loftier show business circles, We might be acquainted with both Loretta Lynn and Loretta Swit, who have both now turned a hundred and seventeen at least once.  So there’s that.)

We also seem to recall having mentioned recently that, if We live to be twenty-four, We will never understand people.  Said lack of understanding continues apace.

You will be happy to note that We continue to procrastinate writing Our Fringe show.  Although it DOES have a title: Looking for Uranus: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour.  How, you may well ask, can We come back, when We’ve never been gone?  You’ll have to see the show, to see if We’ve figgered that out.

In other other news, as you can see,  Our latest video, Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: CANCER 2013 is above. 

If you’ve been paying attention (oh, relax; We know you haven’t), you will note that this is the fourth installment in a (so far) four e-pissode story arc.  Because We’re a writer like that, and stuff.

We would like you to take this link to said video   http://youtu.be/e-EpBAfem_M and email it to your friends.  Or put it on their SitOnMyFacebook pages.  Or, if they are having a Cancer birthday, wish them a happy birthday with it.  Seriously, people…is this so difficult?

And here is the HorrorScope:

As We went to Our celebrity birthday source this morning, it occurred to Us that it would be very bizarre if today turned out to be Loretta Lynn or Loretta Swit’s birthday.  Or, even bizarrer, if it turned out to be Loretta Lynn AND Loretta Swit’s birthday.

It didn’t.

So Happy Birthday, Sofia Vergara.

You’re feeling even more impulsive than usual today,

(This would seem to be an excellent place for a random Sid Vicious music video:

(Whaddaya mean, “impulsive”?))

so expect some wild times as you frolic and jump from fun and games to serious silliness.  (If that sentence were (subjunctively) any gayer, it would be Charles Nelson Reilly dressed up as Liberace fistfucking Paul Lynde in a pansy patch while Judy Garland sang opera.)

Your people may not be able to keep up with you!   (Again with this delusion that We have people.)

A former romantic partner might be reappearing on the scene soon, (So, wait…people can come back from the dead?!?)

 and the feelings they stir up won’t be the ones you were expecting to feel. (Zombies have that effect on Us.  Go figger.)

They’ve taken the initiative to get back into your life, and there could be a very significant reason for it. (BRAAAAAAIIINNNSSSS!!!!)

Aren’t you curious to know what that is? (No.)

(Didn’t see THAT coming, didja?)

Give them some of your time, but not all of your time. (At least she didn’t say, “Give them a piece of your mind”.  ‘Cause We have so few pieces left.)

Make it clear that you have boundaries that you have no intention of changing for them — at least not yet.  (Also, We’ve been wearing Our Tuesday panties since AT LEAST last Tuesday.)

You need to direct your efforts toward your work or home life today. (Well, THAT narrows it down.)

You can get plenty done, and focusing hard should feel good (That’s what she said.)

— but tonight, and over the next few days, your energy favors romance.  (Oh, great.  Once We expend all that energy blowing up the doll, We’re gonna be EXHAUSTED.)

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.