What wouldja do for a Klondike™ bar?

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  JustAnotherManTitzMonday, July 22^th , 20^thirteen.  Happy Belated Birthday to Adam who turned twenty-four this past weekend in FairBrooklynThePrideOfTheThornInTheSideOfNewYork.   Also, Happy Belated Birthday to Christopher, who also turned twenty-four this past weekend, all the way across the country on The Left Coast.

Susan Sarandon apparently just joined SitOnMyFaceBook last week.  We are amongst the first thirty-five thousand or so people to like her page.  The world is a very strange place.

Speaking of strange, We are up to Our eyeballs in creating publicity for Our Fringe show.  Which show, We might add, does not yet exist.  But you will be hearing a great deal more about it in the coming days. Which will still be prior to its actual existence.

Do strippers have nightmares about accidentally going to work fully clothed?‏

In other news, those of you who have been to OurHouseWhereWeLive know that We keep a crystal bowl full of Hershey’s™ kisses on Our coffee table in the living room.  Not being a big sweets eater, We probably eat, in general, two or three kisses a month.  Last night, We sat in front of Our television and ate every single piece of chocolate in the bowl.

Our bowels are not thanking Us.

Meanwhile confidentially to Our str8 boi readers who may have been wondering: it’s not gay if you do it for a Klondike™ bar.

And here is the HorrorScope:

Years from now, We sincerely hope that you will remember exactly what you were doing when you found out that it is Orson Bean’s birthday.  Also, Selena Gomez turns twenty-one today, which may mark the first time that it has been brought to Our attention that there are now fully-grown-adult twenty-one-year-old persons who were born in 1992.  If anyone is looking for Us, We’ll be lying under the coffee table, drinking an Everclear™ and Geritol™.

Jump on that big, fat opportunity (Eeeeuuuuwwww!!!!)

— you need to relish it for all it’s worth!  (Does anyone actually EAT relish?  (Does anyone?  Still wear?  A hat?))

There’s no need to worry about making the wrong choice, (Since this is an e-pissode of OUR life, and the wrong choice is a given.)

as you aren’t likely to see something like this again anytime soon.  (Oooooohhh….a one-time only wrong choice!  Those are the best ones!)

Your drive for success simply cannot steer you wrong right now, (Is it just Us, or is this driving metaphor a little muddled?)

so let it introduce you to new and exciting circumstances today!  (By inserting random exclamation points, Kelli is clearly attempting to create this illusion of “exciting circumstances” to which she alludes.  Unfortunately, she is failing, because she is an asshatted asshat with an ass for a hat.)

Meeting new people and tackling difficult new challenges might not be the first things on your wish list. (However, tackling new people…)

But once you get started in on something with this much possibility you won’t be able to stop until you have reached your goal.  (Has anyone else ever noticed how much “goal” and “koala” look alike?  Just Us?  Alrighty, then.  (It was apparently a very good year for Everclear™.  Or Geritol™.  One of those.))

You’re not so sure that scoring love points is really worth it when it comes at someone else’s expense.   (Doesn’t “love” in tennis mean “nothing”?  If We’re going to have sports metaphors, could they not be SO stupid that they don’t even make sense to people who know nothing about sports?  KThxBye.)

You know you’ve got great moves, (You’ve no idea.)

so there’s no need to compete directly (What about directing completely?)

— play it your own way. (Oh, see, now…)

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Tequila!

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for MungDay, April 30, 2012.  Happy birthday to Francicso, who turns twenty-four today.  Also, happy birthday to Billy, who does NOT turn twenty-four today, but who is the third person in under a week whose birthday We have mentioned who is birthdaying in MaryLand.  If We are not careful, We are going to get a reputation.  And people will start calling Us NancyPants. 

(We just this minnit made up “NancyPants”, so naturally We had to run off and Google it on Wikipedia to see if We ACTUALLY made it up, or if it had been made up before Us.  Naturally, it was a pre-existing condition, but, oddly enough, according to Urban Dictionary, it has two distinctly different definitions depending on whether One uses it as one word or two.  Oh, the things We learn here at Erix Daily Horoscope!)

(According to Micro$oft Weird™, We have also made up “birthdaying”.  Since when is “birthday” not a verb?)

(While We were Googling, We also Googled “mung” to see what that poor bean ever did to get called that.  We learned nothing whatsoever about mung beans, but We heard for the first time of the computer geek acronym “MUNG”, which stands for “modify until no good”.  Which is also Joan Rivers’ plastic surgeon’s motto.)

Ba-DUMP-bump!

We know a fellow who’s addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

Here is a link to Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: Taurus: which you can use to share it with your very own personal friends who are currently birthdaying, be they MaryLandish,  NancyPantsic, or MungBean.  (The “Bean” in “MungBean” should, in this instance, be pronounced like the “-bian” in Nubian or lesbian.  (Although, now that We see it in print, We much prefer the alternative spelling.  To whom must We speak to propose a change to NuBean, LesBean, and OrsonBean?)): http://youtu.be/KlqQw4TppqY

Also, We promised YouPeople an exciting announcement regarding everybody’s favorite sketch comedy troupe, the WaitStaff, and here it is!

The WaitStaff Plays The Match Game!

The most hilarious, bawdy, risque game show from the 70s, 80s, and 90s returns with a spin that only the WaitStaff could give it! Featuring icons such as host Gene Rayburn and celebrity players extraordinaire like Charles Nelson Reilly and Bret Somers, as well as WaitStaff favorites like Jesus H. Christ and The Real Housewives of South Philly's Duchess, along with a few Extra Special Guest Stars, including the lovely and talented Sharon Geller and the talented and lovely Peter Patrikios, We'll be rocking L'Etage on May 2, 3, and 4.

The shows are at 7:30, and the doors open at 7. Tickets are $15, but, if you mention that you heard about the show in Eric’s Daily Horoscope, you'll get in for $10. And, if you're up for it, you could even be a Match Game contestant and win Fabulous Prizes! 

Tickets are ONLY available at the door, so get there early, get your drink on, and GET READY TO MATCH THE STARS!!!

We do hope to see you there.  (Here is a link to the SitOnMyFaceBook event, if you’d like to let Us know that you’re coming: http://www.facebook.com/events/377171015666589/ )

And, because its brilliance cannot be overstated, Our new motto:  Uranus is Our Rosebud.

And now, the HorrorScope:

Your exuberant energy (Our who?)

may cause friction with friends or colleagues today, but you should be able to avoid sticky situations without too much trouble. (What are We missing?  We thought the whole POINT of friction was to wind up in a sticky situation.)

Make sure you’re polite about it all!  (Buttah wouldn’t melt in Our mouth.  (What the hell does that even MEAN?))

Sometimes, even when you’re not looking for a new romance, one comes along and taps you on the shoulder. (Yeah.  That happens.  All the time.  Just never to Us.)

 But make no mistake (We thought We made a mistake once, but We were wrong.)

 — if that happens today, you have a choice. (Thank CHRIST!  Can We have an abortion, even though We are not pregnant?)

Go down this intriguing path only if you want to. (“Intriguing path” is, of course, a euphemism…)

Have faith that if it happens once, it can happen again. (“Déjà vu” = re-runs of The View. Discuss.)

Do not involve yourself in any type of emotional entanglement unless you’re completely ready.  (We are ALWAYS ready, thanks to Suave™’s Emotional Conditioner…)

(Why We don’t book commercial work, We’ll never know.)

If you’re not ready, trust that this person will wait for you to be ready.  (Who exactly is “this person” again?)

Stem the tide of isolation.  (Isn’t that an old Janis Ian song? (That whooshing sound you just heard was all the chirren running off to Google “Janis Ian” on Wikipedia.  (Although, by Our new rules proposed earlier, her name should now be JanisEan.)))

After all, you’re really a social dynamo in disguise  (Yes, we are disguised as an ottoman.  And not the kind with an empire, neither.)

— you’re just on a downswing right now. (Downward spiral, more like.)

So don’t be picky. (Can We be finicky?  Or can We be a choosy mother? (They choose Jif™, you know.  (No word yet on what choosy motherfuckers choose.)))

Accept every invitation that comes your way. (Who let all those crickets in here?)

Even if it sounds corny or dull, say yes. (Corny Ordull was, oddly enough, the valedictorian at Our high school.  Tall, skinny boy he was, with an ENORMOUS penis.  He played the Jews harp in the marching band.  (No one ever asked him to do that, but they couldn’t get him to stop.)  He came to a tragic end in an autoerotic mishap with a motorized trombone.  Herb Alpert spoke at his funeral, for reasons which were never made clear. )

You’ll be glad you did. (Sometimes, Kelli is just so eloquent.  And sometimes, she’s just quent.  This? Is one of those times.)

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

Hanging out on Second Avenue eating chicken vindaloo

 Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Wednesday, March 23, 2011.  Happy Hump Day One And All, Monte Hall, Lauren Bacall. We are being quite easily distracted by bright, shiny InterNetz this morning, as We, for some reason, arose at the crack of ass to begin frutting and stretting Our hour upon the stage.  Unlike yesterday, when We had actual things We needed to accomplish, and somehow managed to stay fast abed until 11AM.  Why, even Himself was up before We were!  Today, when all We need to do is help Himself learn his  lines for gay sensitivity tomorrow (and We just counted them…he has  twenty-eight.  If only We were (subjunctively) paid per utterance HERE what HE is paid THERE, We would be supporting Ourself in the manner to which We wish to become accustomed. (We are apparently SO easily distracted that We’ve become distracted in the middle of explaining how easily distracted We are…oh, look; a balloon!)),  We have already gone off on a vindaloo-seeking tangent and beaten Our previous record at sudoku.

Does “gone off on a vindaloo-seeking tangent and beaten Our previous record at Sudoku” sound dirty to you?  Because (A.) it’s not, and (2.) you’re a filthy perverted bum-licker.

Micro$oft Weird™, for some reason, insists on capitalizing “sudoku”.  (Does “capitalizing sudoku” sound dirty to you?  Are you looking at porn in another window while you read this horoscope?  Show Us on the doll where you touched yourself…)

Yesterday, meanwhile, was the birthday of both Stephen Sondheim and Andrew Lloyd Weber.  We?  Did not get so much as a morsel of cake.

Speaking of gay sensitivity (We just LOVE saying that…as We all know, Himself is ten of the most sensitive gays We know.  Why, he’s just like that princess, in the fairy tale The Princess and the Pee. (We know, We know…you’re going to tell Us it’s actually The Princess and the Pea.   Well, The Princess and the Pee is the lesser-known original Grimm (also, grim) fairy tale, in which Her High-ness is kept awake by chronic bedwetting.  Because, seriously, what would give YOU more trouble sleeping?  A random legume, or urine-soaked sheets?  Thought so. (“Random Legume” is, of course, either a minor character in Guys and Dolls, or one of the answers on the Magic 8-Ball™. (You thought We were going to say it was Our nickname in high school, didn’t you?  We scoff at your expectations of predictability.  (Also, what kind of stupid nickname would “Random Legume” be? (It occurs to Us at this very second that it is possible that “Random Legume” was Orson Bean’s real name.  But then who the hell would CHOOSE to be called “Orson Bean”?))))))…you thought We had lost the thread, didn’t you?  Oh, no, Vincent van Gogh.  Speaking of gay sensitivity, there will be no episode of Erix Daily Horoscope tomorrow, as Himself has to be up at the crack of ass to transport his gay sensitive ass (as well as the rest of him(self)) to the provinces to do gay sensitivity training.  And somehow, We find that We just can’t write when Himself’s not in his bed, snoring away.  Sigh. Cain’t help lubbin’ dat man of mine…

We are thinking that “gay sensitive ass” really DOES sound dirty.  Also, that some ointment might be in order. Also also, that it was, quite possibly, Himself’s nickname in high school.

Apropos of nothing, sometimes brilliancies occur to Us and We have nowhere apt to display them. To wit:  “Let he who is without chin cast Franchot Tone”.

Don’t forgot to make your reservations to laugh at Himself and his little friends on April Fool’s Day:  http://thewineroom.com/wineroom.cfm?t=main&p=main  .

Meanwhile, We enjoyed this so much the other day, We thought We’d do it again.  (We figger We might as well amuse Our Own Self.):

And so, without pork vindaloo:

Little ‘Scope, little ‘Scope of Horrors.
Bop sh-bop, you'll never stop the terror.
Little ‘Scope, little ‘Scope of Horrors.
No, oh, oh, no, oh, oh, no, oh, oh, no!

You need to deal with some people you don’t know well (We’d know them a whole lot better medium rare.  Just sayin’.)

— but you’ve got just the right kind of energy to build bridges.  (We do not, however, have the energy to Beau Bridges.  Although We might be persuaded to attempt to muster some for Jeff Bridges.  Lloyd Bridges, as We are sure We have pointed out before, is dead, and, consequently, requires virtually no energy whatsoever.)

In fact, even language barriers aren’t all that problematic for you!  (Mais oui, zat eez becauze We speek in, how-you-say, zee tongues.  As in, “Zis tongue seats five.”)

Breathe easy (Hey, they won’t buy the balloon if they can get the air for free.)

(We’ve never understood that saying.  Even when there are cows in it.  Cows and milk are two quite different things, no?  You ever see a filet mignon made out of milk?  Or a leather jacket?  

(Sixteen vegans just spontaneously combusted.  That, in case you were wondering, is why it smells like edamame farts in here.  (Edamame Farts was, of course, the wacky next door neighbor on the failed 60s sitcom, I Love Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds.)))

(That may be the best drug joke We’ve ever told in here.  It was certainly the most circuitous.)

— today you will get a lot closer to answering the questions you’ve been wrestling with. (If you’ve seen Our ass recently, it will come as no surprise to you that the wrestling in question is sumo wrestling.)

Before the day is through, you’ll be taken to the right place and given all the right tools (An adz, an awl, and a rusty Phillips head screwdriver.  Kiss Us quick, We’re MacGuyver.  Well, actually, Tranny MacGuyver.  (Everybody wave hi to the lovely and talented Willam Belli.  Hi, Willam!)  

Meanwhile, whoever Phillip was, he must have had an extremely peculiar head.)

to contemplate your situation and think through your options. (We love options.  They make it so much easier to do the wrong thing.)

There’s no such thing as bad answers (There is, however, such a thing as really stupid questions.)

— just right answers. (What about WRONG answers, twatnozzle?  Are you saying there’s no such thing as those?)

(We just this very minute made up “twatnozzle”.  You can tell, because Micro$oft Weird™ doesn’t think it’s a word.  But if you use it three times in a sentence, it’s yours.  Twatnozzle, twatnozzle, twatnozzle.  (Oh, look:  Michael Keaton!))

(We were going to throw you a curve and say “Buster Keaton”, but We found that the joke became too obscure.  Also, Diane Keaton got a restraining order, and Meredith Baxter Birney isn’t funny anymore.)

(Honk if you know why Meredith Baxter Birney was in that sentence.  (Clearly, We are going for Most Celebs Named In A Single Erix Daily Horoscope.  You would think there was a prize.  There isn’t.  Because, if there (subjunctively) were, We’d have to buy it, and wrap it, and present it to Ourself, and, really, why bovver? (Sorry…We can’t hear for all the honking.  It’s like somebody’s trying to squeeze the shit out of a whole flock of geese.)))

(Aaaaand in one swell foop, We’ve tied in today’s Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Albert Camus Maya Angelou Horton Hears A Who My Sweet Babboo. Because Our storylines are like the finely-tuned mechanism of a Swiss crotch.)

(We have just been trying to put all of today's celebs in the label field.  Everybody from Diane Keaton on didn't fit.  Too bad, so sad, anal sex with your dad.)

So don’t be afraid to dig deep into your subconscious and face some nagging fears. (Thank you Sigmund Freud.  Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.  Other times, it’s a really nasty butt plug.)

(Try not to dwell.  (Okay, if you’re dwelling, We will just mention that We’ve just given the Chantix™ people a brilliant commercial idea.  (See?  Next time, when We say “Don’t dwell”, DON’T.)))

This may be a time when you have to give something up to get something you need. (We have already given up sacrifice for Lent.)

(We were going to make a “sacrifice fly” joke there, but that would involve Our finding out what the hell a sacrifice fly is.  Plus, it’s been far too long since We’ve had anything to do with a fly that was not Our Own.  Sigh.  Not funny.)

Some seriously active energy is coming your way, (As opposed to what?  Seriously INactive energy?  Asshat.)

 but before you launch yourself into furious action, (Now THERE’S a picture.)

do your homework (The dog ate it.)

and find something new that involves new faces (Does it involve sitting on them?)

— your enthusiasm is sure to be a big hit! (Especially with an exclamation point after it! Oh, look: sparkles!)

*****************************************************************************    

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.