Totally naked, Bay-Bee, totally nude

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  FriedEgg, January Seventeenst, TwennyFourTeen. Happy Birthday to Deborah, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.  Also, Happy Birthday to Allen, who also turns twenty-four today, somewhere out in Missininnesotana, which is, or so We understand, near West Wisconsonomington.  Whence Our actor-friend recently brought cultchah to the Sodomites, or whatever religious sect it is that occupies those parts.

Faithful Gentle Readers (who are NOT naked skimmers) will recall Allen from Our recent Picturing Allen And Kevin Naked Week back in October (which see here: http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2013/10/im-fking-matt-damon.html ).  The accompanying story being, of course, that We had in fact actually seen both Allen and Kevin naked in the same place, at practically the same time.  How it is that We never received the sexts We requested is beyond Us.

So, at any rate, Happy Birthday to Allen, and to Allen’s birthday suit.

Missininnesotana and West Wisconsonomington being geographically semi-adjacent, One wonders that Allen and Our actor-friend never ran into each other at, say, the Piggly-Wiggly.  Of course, they would have no way of recognizing each other, as We have seen one of them naked and the other one only not-naked.

(We’re gonna pause here for a moo-moo to give you a chance to see if you can figger out what the fuck We’re even talking about.  And, if you DO figger it out, to tell Us about it.)

In other news, We need you all right now quick fast  and in a hurry to get your tickets for  LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour in Centre Theatre’s Independent Voices Festival in Norristown tonight at 8, before they are all sold out.  We are very proud to have been chosen to be a part of this festival, and We want to see you there. 

Tickets are available at  http://thecentretheater.ticketleap.com/

Also, check out the SitOnOurFaceBook event (https://www.facebook.com/events/259746334150716/ (FYI That is NOT Our mouth in the logo)).

We are also currently in talks regarding appearances in Greater Bostonia; stay tuned for further info as it becomes available.

Our video (Capricorn, for you naked skimmers who aren’t paying attention) is above, and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends:    http://youtu.be/m3Aa_X_HoVM

         .

On repeat viewing, We must say that that particular video is one of Our favorites.  It has, over time, been somewhat e-clipsed by the artsy-fartsiness of Our French New Wave e-pissode:

…as well as by, naturally, The One With Justin Bieber’s Penis:

And now, the HorrorScope…

A whole slew of famous folks were born today, from Betty White to Jim Carrey, and Michelle Obama to Benjamin Franklin.  But who else is gonna tell ya that it’s Ita Buttrose’s birthday today?  Nobody, that’s who.

And now, as We must prepare Our hindparts to travel to beautiful downtown Norristown, We leave you with a reading from Madame Olivia. Who, you will notice has grown much less reticent about Uranus, and now uses phrases like “booster rocket of your dreams”.

Greetings Starzina ~

Hello again. Madame Olivia is happy to receive you.

Madame Olivia is burning to share with you the following: she just dined in a restaurant where a charming server described a dessert as "sultry and comforting." Madame Olivia was instantly struck with the realization that so often this cunning combo is exactly what people look for in love objects! She entreats you to think about this when you approach candidates for your love. She senses that this might be the booster rocket of your dreams, relationship-wise. You heard it here!

As Uranus continues its travels through your sign, Aries, some important things are getting shaken up. Madame Olivia, admittedly not one to delay gratification, thinks this is an excellent opportunity for you to enjoy what the world has to offer and have fun. This is the kind of suggestion Madame Olivia really likes to make: revel in joy when you can!

Circles and round things will be of import in the near future

It is time to take our leave for now. Madame Olivia wishes you Bon courage! See you next time.

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Thank you for being a friend

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for ToozDee, May 8, 2012.  We don’t know about you, but We are still prostrate on Our fainting couch, clutching Our smelling salts to Our pneumatic bosom, as We attempt to recover from yesterday’s Vagina Monologues e-pissode.  What the hell happened in here, anyway?  Sure, We got Our str8 boi readers all hot and bothered, but did any of ‘em show up on Our doorstep, loaded blunderbuss in hand, asking which way to the skeet shoot?

(We have no earthly idea what We’re talking about, but the answer to the preceding question is “No”.)

(“Skeet shoot”???)

(Meanwhile, how many str8 boi readers (does it take to screw (heh) in a light bulb?  No.)…how many str8 boi readers are now wondering if a pneumatic bosom works like a pneumatic drill?)

Alrighty, then.  We can apparently cross “Victorian novelist” off of Our list of potential sources of pecuniary remuneration.  And, as We are busily procrastinating, and yet, not the least bit interested in sharing what We’re procrastinating about, it’s time for a whole new feature here on The Mouseketeer Club…er, Erix Daily Horoscope:  Anything Can Happen To Celebrities Day!!!

(Speaking of The Mouseketeer Club, to ensure that Our str8 boi readers continue to love Us, albeit from afar (did We just say “albeit”?  Perhaps We should reconsider that Victorian novelist gig…), Annette Funicello’s pneumatic bosom.  You’re welcome.)

(Never you mind that Annette Funicello will be seventy this year.  That’s only thirty-five per bosom.  Perverts.)

This first bit has nothing whatever to do with celebrities, but We just saw it on the WorldWideInterWebNetz and it tickled Us, and We make the rules around here:  Clown shoes are very big, and clown cars are very small- get it together, clowns!

On a celebrity-related note, We may or may not have mentioned We have joined The Twitter.  Because We’re hep to the jive like that.  We have no idea why regular people would be on The Twitter, but it apparently gives celebrities a chance to prove that they are just as idiotic as everyone else.  Just this morning, Cher (surely it comes as no surprise to you that We follow Cher on The Twitter?)  made some sort of liberal Democrat observation .  Apparently, there was some Republitard out there who was SO stupid (how stupid was he?) that he did not realize that Cher (whom he also was following on The Twitter) was a liberal Democrat, and he felt compelled to call her out on her “stupidity”  (which he, naturally, being a Republitard, referred to as “Communism”).  Unfortunately, Cher engaged this douchebag, and the whole thing quickly degenerated, to the point where the Republitard was mocking Cher for misspelling a word, saying, and We quote, “botox has gone 2 ur brain”.  Whereupon Cher put an end to the entire discussion thusly:  “I’m dyslexic, asshole! Just think!  If I could spell, I could have been successful!”

Meanwhile, We are lifting the following anecdote verbatim, as the clock is ticking here at OurHouseWhereWeLive (and presumably at YourHouseWhereYouLive, also, but since when is it all about YOU?):

 Apparently, Rufus Wainwright has told this story for years, but this is the first time I've heard it and it's never too late to hear one of the reasons for whyBea Arthur will forever be our Patron Saint of Bitchiness. During a time in Rufus' life when he was trapped in a black cloud of loneliness, the only thing that gave him life was watching episodes of The Golden Girls. Just like every good gay, Rufus considers Rue, Estelle, Bea and Betty his four apostles. So many years later, Rufus saw Bea at a party and had to thank her for being a friend. Sometimes when you meet one of your idols, you walk away with the taste of disappointment in your mouth, but that didn't happen to Rufus. Rufus walked away with the feeling of knowing what it's like to be slapped down by a GOD! This is how Rufus' moment with Bea went:

Rufus: "I'm sorry to bother you, and I'm sure you hear this all the time, but I was going through a rough patch and Golden Girls brought me so much entertainment and comfort. It really helped me get through the bad spell.You're so wonderful. You made me feel like you're my grandmother."

Bea: *gently leans into his ear* "I'm not your fucking grandmother." *throws scarf over shoulder, arches back and exits stage left*

Getting bitched out by Bea Arthur is like Jesus himself putting his hand on your forehead to rebuke the evil spirits out of you. How Rufus survived that is beyond me. If Bea Arthur put the word "motherfucker" in my ear, I would've called the tombstone store and told them to etch "Bitch Died Happy" into my peen-shaped headstone before falling on the floor to die. You've unlocked every achievement and won the game of life when Bea Arthur curses you out.

And thus endeth Anything Can Happen To Celebrities Day!

On another subject, here is a link to Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: Taurus: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KlqQw4TppqY which you can use to share it with your very own personal friends who are currently birthdaying.  Not, of course, that anyone has ever actually done this, but We live in hope.

And here, because its brilliance cannot be overstated, is Our new motto:  Uranus is Our Rosebud.

And now, the HorrorScope:

You may step on someone’s toes — not that that is your intention!  (Of course not!  We were trying to step on his balls, but he wouldn’t hold still.)

It just happens sometimes, (Usually to Us.)

and it’s hard to say who’s to blame.  (That’s why you must always select the scapegoat FIRST.)

Just apologize and get on with life.  (Firstly, shouldn’t that be “RuPaulogize”™ Willam Belli”?  And Seconal™, being Us means you never have to say you’re sorry. Mainly because you ain’t.)

(Clearly, all pretensions of Victorian novelisthod have been defenestrated.)

Try not to confuse your opinions with truth. (Also, don’t cloud the issue with facts.)

Not everyone agrees with your ideas right now, (Stupidassmuthafuckahs.)

(What, you were expecting a witty riposte?  Shirley you digest.)

and if you assume that they do, you could run the risk of really ticking a few people off. (Which is probably for the best, as who likes people with ticks on them?)

So be sure to double check with everyone before moving forward on any group activities. (Confucius say, is difficult to have orgy by oneself.)

(Confucius probably didn’t actually ever say that.  But he might have, because who the hell understands Chinese?)

Hasty action on your part will probably leave some brittle egos feeling left out — and cause a few sabotage plans to be hatched.  (Oh, good lord…next thing ya know, the CIA’ll be putting an IUD in Our DVR.)

(What?  We’re just so proud that We stopped Ourself from saying “VCR”.)

A little extra consideration will help you stay popular.  (Sod off, AssHat.)

(Howzzat?)

You’d rather take action than mince words. (Today on Frenching The Chef, julienned paragraphs.)

(Should We or any of Our EDH Force be caught or killed, The Secretary will disavow any knowledge of Our actions.)

Today you may have a chance to do something important instead of merely talking about it. (That is ever so doubtful.)

Follow your gut instincts (EEEuuuwww!!!)

and move forward without looking back. (Or move backward without looking for…?)

Show them you mean business.  (See, as We’ve always said, it’s “show business” not “show art”.  Because how little sense would that sentence make if that sentence could make sense?  Or, if it read, “Business them you mean show”.)

(We’re outtie.)

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

Cat scratch fever

 Edited to add:  check THIS out!  We are the featured subject of today's Philly Fringe blog:  http://www.livearts-fringe.org/blog/index.cfm/2011/7/6/Philly-Fringe-Vital-Stats-Iris-Holcombe-Wedding-Consultant


Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Wenchday, July 6, 2011.  Happy Hump Day to AllOfYou.  Here at Casa de Chlamydia, We started Hump Day a little early.  At 3AM, to be exact.  Not that We were humping, mind you.  (But then, you knew that.  Unless you are the newest newbie that ever newbed. (Hmmm…Micro$oft Weird™ accepts “newbie” as word, but not “newbed”, which, no matter how much We pronounce it as “NOOb’d” in Our head, insists on parsing itself into “new  bed”.))  But We were awake from 3 to at least 6AM.  Unlike yesterday, however, We did ultimately go back to sleep.  The only difference between the two days?  That bitch Betty White.

Being well-rested when We finally arose, We were contemplating alternative means of accomplishing something at which We have been being thwarted by an appalling lack of consideration for Our Own Self as The Center Of The Universe when the old saying “there’s more than one way to skin a cat” occurred to Us.  Never One to accept such sayings at face value, it further occurred to Us that, actually, one way was probably more than sufficient, and why the hell would We want to skin a cat, anyway?  First off, this activity would no doubt piss off the cat, then, even if you were successful, all you’d have is a pile of cat skin and a pile of dead cat, and really, what’s the point of that, unless you run a Chinese restaurant?

Having had all of these scintillatingly brilliant thoughts before even consuming Our morning green tea, We then began reading email.  What kind of day can it possibly turn out to be when the Urban Word Of The Day is:

July 6: fuck

1. The universally recognized "F word" 
2. N. Implying complete and utter confusion 
3. N. a really stupid person 
4. V. To procreate 
5. adj. Can be used to modify any word for more passion 
6. Int. Expresses disgust 
7. Int. Expresses complete surprise and joy 
8. adv. Can be used to make a command more urgent

1. I do not accept the "F word" as your name 
2. What in the fuck? 
3. You stupid fuck! 
4. I suggest we go fuck in your mother’s bed while eating crackers and petting a cat named Mittens! 
5. This fucking guy was so fucking weird. He asked me if I was fucking insane. 
6. Aw, FUCK!! 
7. Holy fuck! You guys rock! 
8. Just fucking jump before I fucking kick you in the balls!

Needless to say, and yet promptly saying it anyway, if that is the Word Of The Day, We don’t expect We’ll get too many cats skinned.  Somebody’s soup is gonna be shy a won ton or two.

Meanwhile, We have left the following paragraph from yesterday intact, as no one saw fit to address it.  (Thank you, however, to those of you who commiserated with Us in Our perplexity at being resoundingly ignored.):

In equally boring news, could someone please have the courtesy to inform Us as to why everyone is so resoundingly ignoring Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscope: Cancer video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p3cqsTuxavM  ? 

And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for: Shia LaBeouf’s buttocks.  Or, the HorrorScope:

Try not to make any sudden moves today (Indeed not.  You might startle the cat.  And then you’ll never get it skinned.  And THEN what will you stuff your steamed dumplings with?)

(Do vegetarians say “there’s more than one way to skin a cat”?  Because “there’s more than one way to peel a carrot” isn’t nearly as pithy.  Carrots being, ya know, relatively inanimate, and all.  Especially when compared with cats.  Particularly cats facing an imminent skinning.)

— accidents will be all too frequent for now, (That’s why We’re wearing Depends™.)

and you can mitigate the worst effects as long as you proceed at a judicious pace.  (Is it just Us, or does “Judicious Pace” sound like a character from some novel by some Victorian lady novelist that pretentious people pretend doesn’t suck?  “Judicious Pace lowered another log onto the fire as he pondered his response to the vicar’s inquiry.” (This book is boring Us already.))

Slow and steady wins the race.  (Perhaps.  But only if you’re racing with really stupid people.  Generally, FAST wins a race.  Just sayin’.)

Mixing business with romantic networking happens all the time, (Especially in a whorehouse.)

and you have someone in your mental file cabinet  (Then We ought to let him out, no?  Meanwhile, is it a metal mental file cabinet?  (Actually, We do have a mental file cabinet.  Which may or may not be metal.  Unfortunately, all it contains is a record of every stupid and/or humiliating thing We have ever done.  It pops open from time to time and starts spewing its contents, usually when We have just done something particularly stupid and/or humiliating, just in case We’re not already feeling bad enough.))

who may have an opportunity for you right now. (And you should see that Opportunity’s Knockers!)

(Opportunity Knockers is, of course, Judicious Pace’s bastard cousin, the dipsomaniac.)

 Be proactive, like the experts say, (Alternatively, be grammatical, AS the experts say.  Asshat.)

and push forward (Really?)

to build this casual contact into a real connection. (Why do We feel as though this paragraph should contain an “always wear a condom” warning?)

Building this relationship could pay off in a very big way — your life may be sent into a new direction. (We can see it now:  Catskinning Champion Of The Known Universe!  (Or at least Chinatown.))

Show them you have what it takes, (A really sharp knife?)

but try not to come on too strong. (Oh, please.  Nobdoy likes a wimpy catskinner.)

(Wimpy Catskinner is, as you will have no doubt surmised, Judicious Pace’s somewhat mentally challenged manservant, who is, unbeknownst to the parsimonious Mister Pace, having a clandestine affair with Opportunity Knockers.)

(This book practically writes itself.  Like most of Dickens.)

 Lead with your personality (Which one?)

 and just be yourself. (And again We say, which one?)

Is your dating profile up-to-date? (Oh, please. The last time We had a date, our boys were in Korea.  Ike was in Mamie.)

 Better, does it really reflect your true nature? (Or your true colors?  Or your fine washables?)

 Now is the best time to switch in a new pic, (Presumably of someone else.  Possibly Opportunity Knockers.  Prior, of course, to the ravages of consumption.)

spruce up the written description (Lie.)

or just tear it all down and build a new one from scratch. (Because there’s more than one way…)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

*****************************************************************************  

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.