It’s just a jump to the left

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for  SayerDee, December 8, 2012.  Happy Hanukkah to Chaka Khan and her friends, Happy Feast Of The Immaculate Contraption to McDonna and her immaculate contraption-feasting friends (also, eeeuuuwww), Happy Birthday to Aaron, who turns twenty-four today, and also Happy Birthday to Bryan, who also turns twenty-four today, and Happy Birthday to Ian Somerhalder, who is gorgeous, and Happy Birthday to Flip Wilson, who is dead.

Our ass is pooped, and We have Things To Do.  This blogging-every-day crap is for Lady Bird Johnson.  So as soon as We do a little housekeeping (blog-wise), We will be treating you to A Very Special Encore Presentation of last year’s Pearl Harbor Day blog.

Here, in case you missed it yesterday, is where to get tickets to Heavy Metal Dance Fag:

http://www.annenbergcenter.org/tickets/?id=265#

Here, in case you’ve missed it every day since November 25, is the link with which to share Our Sagittarius video with your friends:

http://youtu.be/6f1m5GLfk1Y

Meanwhile, this just in from Helen Keller on Twitter (Why, yes, We DO follow Helen Keller on Twitter; thanks for asking.): 

Helen Keller ‏@Helen_KelIer

That awkward moment when a guy asks me if I'm currently seeing anyone.

Helen Keller ‏@Helen_KelIer

Mom sent me to the corner store to get milk. I get back 4 days later with a carton of orange juice. FML.

Helen Keller ‏@Helen_KelIer

Beethoven was deaf. So fuck all y'all.

And now, climb into the Way-Back Machine with Us as We revisit Pearl Harbor Day 2011:

Pearl’s a singer; she stands up when she plays the piano in a nightclub

(Hmmm, We said (in 2012)…where have We heard THAT recently?)

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for HumpDay, December 7, 2011.  Why, it seems like only yesterday (because it was) that We were making pearl necklace jokes, and suddenly here it is Pearl Bailey Day.  Tyne Daly fries when you slap her son.  Seventy years ago today, a Chinese food delivery went horribly wrong, and everybody was hungry again a half an hour later.  It was a day that will limp in infancy; it was the best of times, it was the Sunday Times; Jimmy craps corn, it’s in your hair.

Hey, what do you want from Us?  We have just finished writing the script for Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: Capricorn edition.  And, as Our director/auteur/cinematographer/visionary/cameraman/muse is his own self a Capricorn, it promises to be extra special.  Or extra crispy.  Or something.  Please don’t strain yourself pretending to care, though; it’s not like you’ve broken your neck to watch this:

Or to share it with others:

http://youtu.be/e2dPKHOC8RI

And now, nice weather We’re under, no?  Here’s the HorrorScope:

Your hard work is finally starting to pay off, so kick back and see if you can get your people to celebrate with you. (We do hope that, eventually, We meet these “people” that We allegedly have, if only to chastise them for their constant inactivity on Our behalf.  To say nothing of Our bewhole.  (No, really…say NOTHING.))

It’s one of those days (Innit though?)

when your energy is better spent doing something new.  (Or something nude.  If only We weren’t writing Our fingers to the bone by day, and rehearsing Our boners to the finger by night, all to amuse YouPeople.  And do you share Our videos?  Do you buy Our tickets?  Do you tote Our barges, or lift Christian Bale?)

If at first you don’t succeed — well, you know the drill. (We’re pretty sure that’s not how that saying goes.)

But keep in mind that although this saying is trite, it’s absolutely true. (That’s why they sometimes say things are “trite but true”. (They also, although less frequently, say “this tutu’s tight”.  (Because ev’ry-thing…is bul-em-ic… at the ballet.)))

(If you are now singing that last bit in your head?  You are gay.  And not just a little bit gay, neither.  You are as gay as Paul Lynde in a pink feather boa fistf**king Charles Nelson Reilly in a lavender chiffon evening gown while Liberace’s poodle throws pansy petals at them.  At the opera.)

Perseverance is the only surefire way to get what you deserve in life. (Semi-automatic weapons are good, too.)

Ending a journey when you’re only halfway through is merely a waste of time. (Might as well just stay home, eh?)

You might have to wait longer than you want for results, but there is no way to rush destiny. (Although you might be able to rush Destiny’s Child.)

(That was a little pop culture reference, to prove that We have Our finger firmly on the pulse of pop culture.  And Moms Mabley.)

 You have to keep moving toward it, (And what was “it”, again?)

even if it turns out to be farther away than you thought.  (Well, if it’s that far off, don’t even tell Us what it is till We get there.  We’ve had enough disappointment to last a Lifetime TV Movie.)

Enthusiasm and passion are among your most fabulous traits, and now you can exercise them to their full extent.  (It is unclear whose horoscope this has suddenly become, but We’re pretty sure We’re not in Kansas any more.)

Unleash those powers of persuasion on whoever’s caught your eye. (Insert one-eyed hooker joke here.)

(Here endeth the blast from the past.  Stay tuned for another one tomorrow, as We will be in church.  (Hey, they’re new to the Holidailies™ people.))

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

Roll Over Beethoven, dig these rhythm and blues.

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Wednesday, June 08, 2011.  Happy birthday to Candace, and Kenneth, and Nathan, all of whom, coincidentally, turn twenty-four today.  Back in The Day (Doris?  Morris?  Dennis?  Lynda George?), they might have been reading this, as We would have included it in Our SitOnMyFaceBook birthday wishes.  Now, however, We are including Our video instead.  The diapers, they are a changin’. (Bob Dylan obviously had a much better editor than We do.)

Speaking of Our video, We are shocked, SHOCKED, We tell you, not to have received a single inquiry regarding Our nail polish.  Which is called “Rock the Night Away”, since you didn’t ask.  You’re welcome.

We are all excited anew about Our video, as We shot another episode yesterday.  (Two episodes, actually, for those who love their behind-the-scenes glimpses of the inner workings of Erix Daily Horoscope.) And We have decided that what Our real life is missing is a director.  Also, that Our entire life should be a movie.  Except when We are pooping.

Said video, (Not the one We shot yesterday…We are not a miracle worker (WAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!)) as We are about to change the subject, is here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YBwdacfn2Vk

Also, Happy Hump Day to all the rest of you.  Especially the newbs…there may be some about-to-college-graduates in da house.  Of course, every day is Hump Day for that lot.  Because, as We all know, what does the in-the-know college graduate wear under the gown of his cap and gown?  A sophomore.

Meanwhile, We are knee-deep in preparations for La Festivale de Fringé.  (“Fringé”, in this instance, is, of course, pronounced “Frawn—ZHAY”.  Because We’re classy like that.)  Paperwork to be filled out, contracts to sign, checks to write, advertising to create, and all by Friday.  Of course, then they leave Us alone for two months, to create Our art.  It’s a good thing The Rapture was rescheduled for October instead of September; We’d hate to lose Our entire investment just because the world ended.

That being the sum total of what We know (and is it just Us, or is “sum total” a redundant repetition?), herewith Le Scope du Horreur (“Horreur”, in this instance, is, of course, pronounced “whore”.  Because We can do that.):

Today is all about service, (Coincidentally, We just got done saying “whore”.  How  ‘bout dat?)

and you need to make sure that you’re helping the right people. (It is Hump Day, after all.)

Customers at work are a good start, (WHORE!)

but you may also want to lend aid to the needy in your community.  (And what exactly are these “needy” gonna leave on the nightstand?  Just Our luck, We finally become a whore and don’t read the fine print in Our contract, and suddenly We’re a whore for the homeless.  Ya know, if ya give it away, you’re not a whore, you’re a slut.)

(We mistyped “whore” in that last bit, and Micro$oft Weird™ gave Us spelling suggestions.  None of which, oddly enough, was “whore”  The closest it got was “who’re”.  Which is, presumably, an Irish whore.)

 Don’t let anything go out the door without double-checking it first. (Don’t let the screen door hitcha where the Good Lord splitcha.)

Little details must be caught, (But enough about prostitution.  Let’s get off the whores, and give someone else a chance.)

(All We are say-ing…is give penis a chance.)

and you’re in the perfect frame of mind to catch them. (If you framed Our mind right now, you would see a naked albino riding a polar bear in a blizzard.)

Use your insightfulness (Ah, yes, Our insightfulness.  In the Land of the Blind, the one-eyed trouser snake is a much bigger surprise when it goes up the back of your dress.)

(You Yanks and your colorful sayings.)

 to stop friends or family members from taking things a little bit too far — a diplomatic word here or there will save them some embarrassment. (Alternatively, they could wind up on reality television.)

You’re a valuable part of any team you are in.  (Don’t’cha just hate people who say, “There’s no “I” in team”?  We like to tell them, “There’s no “I” in “asshole”, either…that’s all U.”)

To make sure you’re used as much as possible, (How’d We get back to whoring again?)

speak up and raise your hand. (It may be a long time since We got laid, but We’re pretty sure it’s got precious little to do with raising your hand.)

It’s party time — right? (Or at least Miller™ time.  But hopefully not Arthur Miller time.   Because that?  Would be boring.)

Though you may have a few hot options, (And more than a few Hot Pockets™…have you SEEN Our ass lately?)

you need to keep your life in balance today. (Was that a fat joke?)

Take it easy (“Easy” is Our middle name. Unfortunately, Our last name is “BakeOven”.)

(With those two words conjoined like that, was anyone else thinking “Roll over, BakeOven”?  Just Us?  Alrighty, then.)

when it comes to love and try not to overdo it in any one direction. (Or on any one erection.)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.