Send your camel to bed

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  ThurstonHowellTheThirdsThirstyThursday, September 12^nd , 2013.  Happy Birthday to Robin, who turns twenty-four today all the way over in San Francisco.  Where, apparently, they think Rice-A-Roni™ is a treat.  (No word yet on whether they also think Beef-A-Roni™ is really neat and/or fun to eat. (Micro$oft Weird™ would like Us to know that “Roni” is misspelled.  How exactly would you like Us to spell it, Micro$oft Weird™?))

Happy Birthday also to Carly, who also turns twenty-four today, albeit right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.  Where, if We are going to have a treat, it is most assuredly not Rice-A-Roni™. Also too Happy Birthday also too to Tony, who also too turns twenty-four today, also too geographically here, and also too having, We suspect, neither Rice-A-Roni™ as a treat nor Beef-A-Roni™, no matter how really neat or fun to eat.

Meanwhile, We had a dream last night in which We were rehearsing for a show. In said show, We had a nude/sex scene that also involved an interpretive dance.  We’re going to just give you a moment to viZZZualize that…

Suddenly, coming to see Looking for Uranus: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour doesn’t sound all that bad, does it?  We promise to keep Our clothes on the whole time, there’s only Us up there, so Our sex scene capabilities are exceedingly limited, and We’re wearing 4-inch heels, so there’s not much chance of an interpretive dance breaking out.  The show is tonight at 8PM at Café Nola, and you can either buy tickets in advance or at the door:

http://fringearts.ticketleap.com/looking-for-uranus-starzina-starfish-brownes-comeback-tour/#view=calendar

Also, tell your friends, etc.  We were so preoccupied with, ya know, making there be a SCRIPT for the damn thing that We weren’t quite the lean, mean publicity machine We might otherwise have been.

(That paragraph works best if you pronounce that last “been” as “bean”.  You DID pronounce that last “been” as “bean”, didn’t you?  If not, We’ll wait whilst you go back.)

There is also a SitOnMyFaceBook event here: https://www.facebook.com/events/706806152678843/ for your convenience in sharing on that platform.

In other news, it occurs to Us that We have been remiss in not re-sharing Our other Virgo video with you, the one with the hawtt almost-nekkid angel in it.  So here ya go:

 

And here is the HorrorScope:

In celebrity birthday news, it is Maurice Chevalier’s birthday.  He, of course, was an old French guy who became famous for singing “Thank Heaven for Little Girls”.   Good thing he’s dead, because if he tried that crap today, he’d be hauled off to the hoosegow.  Also, one-hit-wonder Maria Muldaur of “Midnight at the Oasis” fame was born today.

Before We begin, We have said this in these e-pisstles before, but it bears repeating:  Rice-A-Roni™ has not been a treat since they stopped putting slivered almonds in the fried rice variety.  (We used to be into sadism, necrophilia, and bestiality, but then We realized We were just beating a dead horse.)

It’s a great time to meet new people (We will be happy to meet anyone who has tickets to Our show.)

— you are quite likely to run into someone from far off whom you’d never have expected.  (Good thing We very rarely drive, or that sentence would be much more ominous.)

It’s a great time to round out your growing list of friends.  (Unless you’re insinuating that Our friends are getting fatter, We fail to see this “growing” of which you speak.)

If any kind of conflict erupts in your group today, you have to be frank and open about how you feel.  (We are doing a one-woman show in which We are Starzina.  We have no intention of being Frank as well.  (Who the hell is Frank?))

(Frank Lloyd Wrong, Anna May Wong…there’s a joke in there somewhere, but damned if We can find it.)

By communicating honestly, you will show people that you aren’t trying to gain anything — you are just trying to make things better for everyone.  (Wow.  That’s some serious lying going on there.  (We had a sudden flash of sitting on Pinocchio’s face screaming “lie to Us!”  But We won’t tell you about it, because that would be crass.))

This is not the time to get suspicious or self conscious about your feedback or criticisms. (Of course, now that you’ve SAID that, there’s no way for Us not to.  It’s like when somebody tells you not to think about pink elephants, or Beef-A-Roni™, or Maurice Chevalier molesting little girls…)

 A compromise will take time to arrange, (A promcomise would be much quicker.)

 but your input will help it happen sooner, (“Input” is a euphemism, innit?)

 and it will be a better solution for everybody involved.   (What gives you the idea that We give a shit about “everybody”?)

 You shine in the company of true friends, and especially now, so a double date is just the ticket to sweet romance for the time being.  (Twincest is best; put the Bobbseys to the test.)

(What?)

You’re at your most appealing when you’re comfortable. (So NOT when We’re doing a naked interpretive dance, then?  Righty-ho.)

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Though We may not agree today, in time, mais oui, We may

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for WinzDee, December 5, 2012.  Happy Birthday to Katie, who turns twenty-four today. And Happy Hump Day to the rest of you, who are apparently turning tricks.

We shot the Capricorn/Christmas e-pissode of Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope yesterday as planned.  While it is not so much a departure as Our recent French New Wave effort, We guarantee you will never look at a rum ball the same way again.

Speaking of Our recent French New Wave effort, that is Eet above, and if you haven’t watched it yet, pourquoi? Also, please to Cher it with your friends, Cherie Lewis, using zis linque: http://youtu.be/6f1m5GLfk1Y

Apropos l’above (and you can relax now; We have used up all ze Frawnch We know), it is brought to Our attention from time to time that We really know a good number of amazingly talented and creative people.  And that We don’t get to spend nearly enough time with them.  And that, if We got them all focused on the same thing, We could rock the world.  Or, alternatively, knock it off its axis and send it spiraling into the sun.

(Is it just Us, or does that sound like an artsy-fartsy version of Mrs. O’Leary’s cow?  Mais oui call it “Mrs. O’Leary’s lemur”?  Oui mais.)

In other news, We are exhausted this morning, possibly from the fact that We had not one, but TWO epic saga dreams last night.  In the first, the Evil Acquiring Company which used to employ Us had been converted into a concentration camp, where they didn’t so much kill people, but instead, drove them mad.  Why We needed an entire dream to play out what is basically their Annual Report, We haven’t got any idea.  Mercifully, We are old, and needed to pee, which put an end to that nonsense.

Next, We had a very lovely dream in which We visited Salem, and saw Our friends who live there (and a number of friends who don’t, but, hey…better than Auschwitz).  We stayed in a hotel that doesn’t exist, and saw attractions that aren’t there.  We also rented a bicycle, although We don’t seem to remember riding it. If riding a bicycle is like riding a bicycle, and you never forget it, how did We forget that?  We were just about to extend Our stay by a day when We realized We should call the non-existent hotel, but We couldn’t remember Our room number.

Then We woke up.

Today’s efforts will include a number of Christmas-related errands (We cannot recall ever being so ill-prepared) and a focus group in the afternoon, which is supposed to be two hours long, and good luck on keeping Us focused.

Meanwhile, this just in from Helen Keller on Twitter (Why, yes, We DO follow Helen Keller on Twitter; thanks for asking.):  

Helen Keller ‏@Helen_KelIer

I lost my dog! $50 Reward. He responds to 'agajwuubaaab'.

Helen Keller ‏@Helen_KelIer

Hahaha apparently my dog died 2 years ago, I've just been feeding an empty bowl this whole time.

Helen Keller ‏@Helen_KelIer

Just found out dog biscuits aren't that bad.

And here’s the HorrorScope:

In other news, We think it’s Werner Heisenberg’s birthday, but We’re not certain.

(Okay, physics jokes, people…just shoot Us now.)

You should push yourself a little harder and see if you can get more exercise than usual today — your body craves action!  (True dat, Boo.)

It may be as simple as taking the stairs (Taking them where?)

or as complex as joining a new gym.  (Jim who?)

Although the weather outside may be frightful, (The Chicago Fire is so delightful.)

(“Mrs. O’Leary’s lemur”.  Heh.  We kill Us.)

getting some physical exercise would be oh-so-delightful! (Watching other people get some physical exercise would be okay, too.)

 There is nothing better than huffing and puffing to put a smile on your face. (Okay, We’re gonna wait here while you re-read that sentence.  Slowly.  Three times. )

(Now insert your own joke here.  (Why should We do all the work?))

It’s time to do whatever it takes to get your heart pumping and cheeks rosy — dancing, jogging, walking, or roller skating! (Rumbaing, Roomba™ing, rumballing…)

Grab a friend or two, (How rude!)

and you’re sure to have much more fun. (Than what?)

 Tag football or a pick-up game of basketball will help you feel like a winner. (Or a wiener.)

Make that a healthy winner!  (Or a healthy wiener.)

This person seems absolutely right for you in so many ways. (Mmm-hmm.  He’s Orville, Wilbur, AND Frank Lloyd.  That’s why everything’s going so swimmingly.)

Not so fast!  (Oh, please.  If We go any slower, it’ll be backwards.)

It’s time to look beyond the attractive surface — is there really any substance there, or are you being fooled by the shiny facade?  (We would have no problem sitting on somebody’s shiny façade.)

(Heh.  Micro$oft Weird™ automatically put that funny Frawnch squiggle thing on the C in “façade”.  Thanks, Micro$oft Weird™!)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

Livin’ la vida loca

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for  TurtleBay, February 16, 2012.  For those of you who enjoy glimpses into the behind-the-scenes inner workings of Erix Daily Horoscope, We just typed that first sentence, then went off to Google “Turtle Bay” on Wikipedia, because We have no idea where it is, because We’re geographically challenged like that.  An hour of WorldWideInterWebNetz later, it occurred to Us that We should really wander back here and continue e-pisstling on Our Gentle Readers.  Clearly, We have the attention span of a …oh, look; a balloon!

We still don’t know where the fuck Turtle Bay is.

In still other news, further Googling on Wikipedia confirms that We are the only person on the WorldWideInterWebNetz who is calling them “WorldWideInterWebNetz”.  So much for Our plot to start a meme.  (You coaxed the blues right outta the horn…Meme!)

Wow.  That was really gay.  Moving on…

Here are a few random observations from various corners of the WorldWideInterWebNetz:

A city is a city. A town is a town. A fart is a kiss if you're upside down!‏

 

Is anybody else a little creeped out by the idea of gay sex now that We know that Rick Santorum thinks about it all the time?

 

Would more people watch Doctor Who if it were (subjunctively) called Doctor Hoo-Hoo?

 

As you can see clearly now, the rain has gone.  Also, We got nothin’.  Also also, all obstacles in Our way.

Speaking of Oscars™, We are practically ready to pop with pride as We anticipate premiering Our Pisces e-pissode of Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscopes.  But, in the meantime, please share Our Aquarius fillum with your friends.  (We don’t know why We keep saying that.  You don’t do it, and We have no idea why.  Don’t you wish your SitOnMyFaceBook friends a happy birthday on their SitOnMyFaceBook walls?  Just drop the following link in the box first.  Easy-peasy lemon squeezy.):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ovOtlxcnC50

 

And now, Boy George, Adam Lambert, and Ricky Martin fistfuck Rick Santorum.  All at the same time.  Of course, first, they’ll have to get his head outta there.  Alternatively, the HorrorScope:

 

You need to deal with your cultural longings today — soak up some art, take in a concert or just browse photos online until your clicking finger is sore. (Oh, please.   Just last week, We spent an entire day in a museum.  Because We’re cultured like that.  Meanwhile, “browse photos online until your clicking finger is sore”?  The hell?  What is that, a description of Rick Santorum’s sex life?)

 

Your great energy guarantees some real finds!  (Lookee there!  A seven word sentence completely devoid of any meaning whatsoever!)

 

Paying close attention (Sorry…what did you say?)

 

to how you come off (We’d rather pay close attention to how We GET off.)

 

to other people (Wait…other people?!?)

 

is not vain or silly (Or sane or villy.  Of course, “villy” isn’t actually a word.  And yet, “willy-nilly” is.  Also "Willy Nelson".  Also also, "Willy Nelson's willy".  Life is so unfair.)

 

— it’s actually quite practical. (In all fairness, We should point out that, unlike Kelli’s previous asshatted vacuous mewling, this sentence would have made some sense.  Had We (subjunctively) not interrupted it five times.)

 

After all, having a good reputation is very important. (Having a good amputation, on the other hand…)

 

(Heh.  Get it? Amputation…other hand…)

 

(No, really.  It’s kind of existentially funny.  In a “sound of one hand clapping” kind of way.)

 

(Oh, shut up.)

 

It can open doors and influence people to listen to what you have to say.  (But will they watch Our videos?)

 

So pay more attention to how credible and honorable you seem. (Sincerity is everything.  If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.)

 

Your reputation should be one of your primary concerns, so take care to show yourself in the best light. (It is better to light a candle than to curse the darkness.  You fucking darkness!)

 

That means you need to dress for success, do your research and be confident!  (All at the same time?  Stick a broom up Our ass and We’ll sweep the floor while We’re at it.  (Stick a broom up Rick Santorum’s ass, and he’ll skywrite “Surrender Dorothy”.))

 

As much as you’d like to be the personification of tact, (As you may have guessed, “The Personification Of Tact” was NOT Our nickname in high school.)

 

it might be best if you were frank (Frank who?  Frank Lloyd Wrong?  Anna May Wong?  Pease porridge in the pot, nine days old.)

 

(What?)

and open with a friend who needs a good dose of common sense. (Or a good dose of the one hand clap.)

 

(Ping.)

 

Playing it safe won’t do your pal any favors.  (Flaying serapes…palsy flavors…nope, We still got nothin’.)

 

 

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.