Doctor, my eyes

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherManaclesMonday, February 10^rd, 2014.

So some assclown on SitOnMyFaceBook just updated his status to: “Is anyone on here a medical doctor?” , then proceeded to explain some mix-up in his medication-taking schedule.  Yeah, dude, We’re ALL medical doctors on here, and the little blue pills are for when you’re SO CRAZY THAT YOUASK FOR MEDICAL ADVICE ON FACEBOOK.

Ahem.

Happy Birthday to Donald, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.  Happy Birthday also to Nick, who also turns twenty-four today, also right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.

Happy Birthday also to Pam, who also turns twenty-four today, all the way out in Pennsyltucky’s capital city.  (People who do not live in Pennsyltucky are often surprised to learn that Philadelphia is not Pennsyltucky’s capital. (Unless they are from The South, in which case they are surprised to learn that you are not talking about Philadelphia, Mississississippippippi. (Mississississippippippi is, of course, nicknamed “The Banananana State”, because it’s so much fun to spell, you forget to stop.)))

(Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!: so educational, it’s part of No ‘Tard Left Behind.)

Happy Belated Birthday, meanwhile, to Annette, and Damon, and Emily, and John, and Mike, each of whom turned twenty-four this past weekend.  Romper stomper bomper doo.  (If you understand what We just said, you are old. (If, on the other hand, you are thinking, “Why the hell is she going on about some retard’s left buttock?”, you are a pervert.  (We like that in a person.)))

Speaking of perversion, We had a dream last night in which We had a sex dream.  That is to say, Our dream was not a sex dream, but IN Our dream, We were HAVING a sex dream.  Which, while very similar, is not entirely the same thing, as We didn’t wake up at the end.

In other news, the evidence of the preceding paragraph notwithstanding, We really are not quite as mentally deficient as people seem to have started to imagine that We are.  Seriously.  Do not mistake Our efforts to fool you into thinking We are a nice person for stupidity…you WILL regret it. KThxBye.

Moving on,  here is what We now want you to do:

Think of all of your friends who live in, or know people who live in, or know people who know people who live in, Greater Bostonia or its environs. For example: Matt Damon, Ben Affleck, Mark Wahlberg. (Pay attention!) Now share the information in the following paragraphs with them, via SitOnMyFaceBook, or smokesignals, or autographed Calvin Klein™ underwear.  (Sorry…We forgot Ourself for a moment there.):

LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour  does Greater Bostonia!

On Friday, February 28^th, We will be at Club Café in Boston:

http://www.clubcafe.com/looking-for-uranus-starzina-starfish-brownes-comeback-tour/

SitOnMyFaceBook event here:  https://www.facebook.com/events/1402244933363959/

On Monday, March 3^rd, We will be at Opus Underground in Salem:

http://www.gooutloud.com/starzina/

SitOnMyFaceBook event here:  https://www.facebook.com/events/1379652125635846/

Stay tuned to these e-pisstles, as We will be playing one more date in the area, to be announced early next week.

And thank you all in advance for alerting your Greater Bostonian friends.  (Do you feel just like Paul Revere now?  We bet you feel just like Paul Revere now.  “The British Bitch is coming, the British Bitch is coming!”)

Warm kisses, meanwhile, to Patrick, and Kevin, and everyone else who’s working so hard to get Us up there.  We have decided that, on this trip to Greater Bostonia, We are finally going to try a Lobster Roll for the first time.  Because who DOESN’T want to learn a new position? Especially with Matt Damon, Ben Affleck, and Mark Wahlberg in the house…

 We are currently in the sign of Aquarius, the only sign of the zodiac for which there is only one Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video.  Fortunately, it doesn’t suck.

Our video (Aquarius, for you naked skimmers who aren’t paying attention) is above, and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends:     http://youtu.be/ovOtlxcnC50

And now, the HorrorScope…

In celebrity birthdays today, Robert Wagner is eighty-four, Jimmy Durante is dead, and Glenn Beck is crazy.

Your emotional side is making short work of whatever situation you’re facing today (HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT TO US?  WE'VE HAD JUST ABOUT ENOUGH OF YOU!)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

— so feel free to let fly!  (Alternatively, fear flea Tourette’s fry.)

(Oh, sure, you’ll laugh NOW.  But in half an hour, you’ll want another joke.)

It may be hard (Indeed it may.)

to explain to others why you’re huffing and puffing, but then again, you don’t have to.  (Not once their fucking house is blown down, We won’t.)

Someone who you usually consider to be mellow and agreeable will start acting kind of feisty today — which is going to be quite amusing to you!  (We shall, no doubt, titter.  And possibly guffaw.  Chortling is not completely out of the question, either.  You have been warned.)

They have turned over a new leaf and are no longer hesitant to act out or say what’s on their mind — and they have you to thank for it. (Yeah, We’ll just sit here and hold Our breath and wait to be thanked.)

(In random news, We just looked out Our front window.  The snow We were going to have to shovel?  Has been melted by the sun.)

Get ready for a boatload of their gratitude, (The last time someone told Us that, they tried to surprise Us with a buttload of granny toads.  Which is not at all the same.)

which will give you a wonderful feeling of camaraderie. (Is that even a word?  That doesn’t even look like a word.)

You’re feeling the urge to clean house — on many levels!  (Oh, on all sorts of levels!  All except the level involving actual physical objects and dirt.)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Damned if I do ya, damned if I don’t

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Wednesday, February 16, 2011.  Happy Hump Day to all of my little Humps and Humpettes out there in Hump-Hump Land.  Although if you’re still feeling humpee after today’s Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Hello Dalai Lama, you’re a better man than I am, Rudyard Kipling.  (Nobody names their kids “Rudyard” anymore; why is that, do you suppose?  “RudYAAAAAARRRDDD!!!  Come in here and wash your hands; it’s time for Gunga Dinner.” (I just Googled Mister Kipling on Wikipedia, and was dismayed to learn that his first name was actually Joe.  (Really.  Look it up your own self.)  Not very poetic, that, eh?  The Jungle Book…by Joe Kipling.  Not exactly gonna fly off the shelves at your Barnes & Noble with a recommendation from Oprah, that.  Joe Kipling, indeed.))

The preceding high-falutin’ litter-hairy-allusion-laden paragraph is dedicated to Mister Gregory G0D-DAMN! G., for the simple reason that I Have That Power.   Long-time Erix Daily Horoscope readers will recall him gracing these pages previously, described, most often, as the love-child of Christian Slater and the late, lamented River Phoenix. And you may not know it, but he’s also a poet.

Heh.  See what I did there?

Speaking of River Phoenix, were he not (subjunctively) late and lamented, he would have turned forty last year.  Put THAT in your chicken and choke it.  Also, if you go off to the right there, in the list of celebrity labels, and click on his name, the Way-Back Machine will bring you two vintage episodes of Erix Daily Horoscope which also mention him, one in connection with Mister Gregory G0D-DAMN! G., and one not.  You’re welcome.

Before I digressed, we were discussing today’s Pixture, the point of which is, naturally, that Foreigners Are Weird.  Living, as they do, in foreign countries, eating foreign food, and driving foreign cars.  Speaking  in foreign tongues and joining foreign legions.  (Does the word “foreign” look really weird to you yet, or is it still just me?)  All of which begs the question, is there Chinese take-out in China, and, if so, what do they call it?

Meanwhile, I am well aware that, on days when no Erix Daily Horoscope is generated, in addition to wailing, rending your garments, and gnashing your teeth (an activity frowned upon by four out of five dentists with patients who gnash teeth), you all sit about wondering what awe-inspiring glamorous activity has me otherwise engaged.  Well, the simple fact of the matter is that, every so often, I actually feel as though I should attempt to accomplish something.  Of course, with Himself rolled up in his bed twenty-three hours a day with his hot water bottle and his woolly penguin, and the rest of the Free World and Radio Free Europe ignoring my phone calls, emails, and smoke signals, I feel more and more like a one-armed ping-pong player playing ping-pong with herself.  (I ALMOST said “…like a one-armed ping-pong player playing with herself”, but that doesn’t indicate nearly the level of ineffectuality I was going for.  Because a one-armed ping-pong player would be perfectly capable of playing with herself.  Because she’s got the one arm, and all.)  Seriously, people.

And here, for your amusement (because I give, and give, and give) is your very own Glenn Beck Conspiracy Theory Generator.  Don’t say I never gave you nuffing:  http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/bl-glenn-beck-conspiracy.htm?PS=683,601,701,242:17 .

And now, The Horoscope Proper (or at least as proper as things GET around here):

Expect some friction at work or at home today (Well, dunnAT sound just lovely?  Some friction.  And on Hump Day, and everything.  I should BE so lucky.  There hasn’t been any “friction” around this hovel since last April Fool’s Day, when Himself taped sandpaper to my vibrator.  (Oooops…was that the outside voice?))

— your energy, though mostly positive, may grate on the wrong people. (Oh, heaven forBID I should ANNOY anyone.  Because everyone’s always so careful not to annoy ME.  Cheeky wankers.)

That is okay, because you should still get plenty done and can make up later.  (Is it just me, or did the preceding sentence consist of a dozen or so random words flung together in a random order, as if by a random-word flinger-thingie, full of sound and fury, dignifying stuffing?)

(You only WISH you could coin phrases like “flinger-thingie”.  But, unlike you, *I* am a Highly-Trained Professional Cunning Linguist.)

You’ve got quite the day ahead of you, (If you think that’s something, you should see the ass behind me.)

so get up early and get it started as soon as possible. (Okay, let’s examine the various ways in which Our Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist) Kelli is now violating the time-space continuum.  This is TODAY’S horoscope.  Consequently, if I am reading it, I have already gotten up, be it early, late, or Jurassic.  On the other hand, if I have not yet gotten up, then I am not yet reading it, so there is no way for it to tell me to get up early.  Thus has Kelli assraped the time-space continuum.  This is the worm of the lard, Spanx™ be to Gilbert Gottfried.)

Of course, no one’s ever had to prompt you to get the show on the road, (Of course not.  Because I always have to do everything myself.  Sigh.)

and you’ve also never needed to be talked into being first in line.  (If you are first in line, is not the line immaterial, Glasshoppah?)

 But today, you’ll be the one who’s talking everyone around you either into or out of whatever you see fit (What if I see fit to have a fit?  What if I’m too fat for anything to fit?  What if I’d rather fight than fit?  What the fu(k am I talking about?)

— and you’ll have remarkable success at it, too.  (Indeed.  Because if I actually succeeded at anything, that would indeed be remarkable.)

A quick walk, a stretching class, a chair massage (I don’t care how little action I’m getting, or how long it’s been, I am NOT stooping to sitting around rubbing the furniture.)

— You need to get proactive about personal renewal this afternoon. (Could “personal renewal” PLEASE be a euphemism?)

You want to be as refreshed as you can when someone turns up the heat tonight.  (I have rehearsal tonight.  Sigh.)

(Which is, of course, a lovely segue (what’s a segue?  About a pound and a half) to…

The WaitStaff will, at long last, be making its debut at Philadelphia’s premiere comedy club, Helium, with an 8PM show on Wednesday, March 16^th.  So come on out and get your pre-Saint Patrick’s Day drink on, as the WaitStaff presents an evening with The Real Housewives of South Philly.   (For those of you who saw the Fringe show, which was ENTITLED The Real Housewives of South Philly, please note that this is an ENTIRELY NEW and DIFFERENT show.  The WaitStaff just finds “Real Housewives of South Philly” to be a good marketing hook for people who haven’t seen them before.)

You can get your tickets for Helium here: https://www.seatengine.com/venue/helium-comedy-club/event/382

Check out the SitOnMyFaceBook event here: http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=166594253388281

Meanwhile, as those who read these pages religiously (ahem) are already aware, the WaitStaff will be presenting an evening of Smokin’ Hot Comedy to beat the winter blues on Sunday, February 27, at 7PM at World Café Live!  Our very special guests will be Dave Terruso of Animosity Pierre and Jaylene Dulap of Jaylene and the Judge.  The doors will open at 6PM, so you can come and have dinner and/or cocktails before the show (you can also have dinner and/or cocktails during the show, as long as you promise not to hurl any of it at the stage).

Get your tickets for World Café Live here: http://tickets.worldcafelive.com/eventperformances.asp?evt=1616

Visit the Virtual WaitStaff on the WorldWideInterWebNetz here: http://www.thewaitstaff.com or on SitOnMyFaceBook: http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=198525196831422

Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.