Sylvia’s mother says, “Take your umbrella, ‘cause, Sylvie, it’s starting to rain.”

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! For GoodPieRupeeTuesday, HookahDanangAniméAnew, VenuesChainsWithBenVereen’sNudeLegs, StiltLimeGunnerMitchWho?, May 28nd, 2013.  It has come to Our attention that some Gentle Readers may be flummoxed by Our “Tuesday’s child is Jacques Cousteau” verse of late.  Here is a helpful hint:  begin singing at “GoodPieRupeeTuesday”, then continue singing throughout.  You will be amazed, astonished, agog, and aghast.  You’re welcome.

We certainly had a whiz-bang whirlwind of a Walla Walla Washington weekend, and We trust you did the same.  We murdered people (well, actually, We were present when people were murdered, but We Our Own Self Personally didn’t actually murder anyone (the murderer is chosen by popular vote, and since when were We ever popular?)), We made meatballs, and We carted off free books from a used bookstore that was closing.  Also, We unearthed an old script that We wrote several years back, which had been eluding Us with a cunning ordinarily only displayed by non-inanimate objects.

Speaking of the weekend, Happy Belated Birthday to Dave, who turned twenty-four this past weekend.  Also, Happy Belated Birthday to Dave, who also turned twenty-four this past weekend.  (Both Daves being named “Dave”, We could have just said that once.  But that would be cheating, and is certainly not the kind of Highly-Trained-Professional Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist) that We ass-pire to be around here.)  Happy Belated Birthday as well to Frank, who turned twenty-four this past weekend as well. Also as well too, Happy Belated Birthday to Harley, who turned twenty-four this weekend also.  As well. Too.   (This would be Harley-who-is-a-real-person, as opposed to Harley, the character in the murder mystery.  Art isn’t easy.  (Art who?))  Additionally, Happy Belated Birthday to OurAmericanCousin Deb, who turned twenty-four this past weekend additionally, as well as to Nathan, who turned twenty-four this past weekend.  As well.

Meanwhile, “ass-pire”?  We kill Us.  We are pixturing the ass-pirations of an ass-piring ass-pirer even as We speak.  Or perhaps “ass-pire” is a noun, akin to “empire”.  (Previously on Boardwalk Ass-pire…)

Of course, it would not be a weekend in Our life if someone weren’t pooping in Our punchbowl, and indeed they were.  Not only are We headed for a major disappointment, but We get to be disrespected along the way.  Because, apparently, We never learn.  Yay, Us.

But enough of that negatory talk (despite the fact that Micro$oft Weird™ would have Us believe that there is no such word as “yay”.  What the hell is up with that? (Micro$oft Weird™ also tried to autocorrect “negatory” to “nugatory”.  What the fuck is “nugatory”?  We tried to look it up, but Our efforts were nugatory.  (See what We did there?))), it is Sicily Yoder’s birthday!  Shirley you all remember Sicily Yoder’s birthday from last year’s celebrations?  Just in case you don’t, here is a little memory refresher to freshen up your memory in case your memory has that “not-so-fresh” feeling:

We just went looking up famous people having birthdays today, lest We deprive you of any essential information to share over your barbecued weenies later on.  We found a site that had thirteen famous folks with birthdays today listed, among them singers Gladys Knight and Kylie Minogue,  James Bond author Ian Fleming, sports legend Jim Thorpe, and former NooJork Mayor Rudy Giuliani.  And, right there amidst these other luminaries?  Editor of The Amish Garden News, Sicily Yoder.

So stick a candle in your shoofly pie, boyz and gurrlllzzz. (Is it just Us, or would “stick a candle in your shoofly pie” make a helluva euphemism?  (Also an Elton John song. (Although they’d’ve probably frowned on it at Princess Di’s funeral.)))

Gawd bless the WorldWideInterWebNetz.

  

In other other news, you will notice the appearance above of Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: GEMINI 2013 video. We expect you will do your usual bang-up job of sharing it with all of your friends using this link: http://youtu.be/Yj7enrUk6js , because you care about Us like that.

For those who enjoy history, here is Our Gemini 2011 video, which was Our very first one:

Apropos of ABsolutely nussing, here’s a little song that’s been stuck in Our head:

Nice gherkin if you pet it,

And if you pet it, it will cry

You’re welcome.

Also, get your tickets NOW for the WaitStaff’s upcoming Spring Into Summer Match Game, this Friday and Saturday, May 31 and June 1, at 7:30 at L’Etage.  More info here:  https://www.facebook.com/events/422346354528494/  We are foregoing Our murder mystery paycheck for this, so (A.)  come see it now because (2.) that won’t be happening again anytime soon.

And now the HorrorScopes:

It’s way too easy for you to spin out of control today (Good thing We don’t go to spin class, eh?  Although We might go if it were (subjunctively) called “Spin Out Of Control Class”.  (Oh, who are We kidding?  We would not.))

— maybe even losing your temper if things get really weird! (Wait…weirder that they are already?)

Try not to get too excited about the news of the day, (We’ll do Our best.)

as no one has all the facts yet.   (Mrs. Garrett has them.  And she’s told some of them to Blair, and some of them to Jo, and some of them to Natalie.  She’s keeping Tootie in the dark, though.)

(On CBS tonight:  The Amazing Racist…)

 Today, you need to tidy up your free time! (Not to mention, tidy up your point of view. (You’ll get a new attitude.))

Your extra hours are spaced out here and there throughout the day.  (That sounds very confusing.  Like Daylight Saving Time on acid.)

But if you take a few minutes to rearrange them,  (But wait…do We take these few minutes out of the extra hours, or out of the hours that We already had?  (This is the time-space continuum. This is the time-space continuum on drugs.  Any questions?))

you’ll be able to get yourself a nice big chunk of hours that you can fill up with a great big dose of fun that you’ve been craving!   (Okay, “chunk of hours”?  “Dose of fun”?  Seriously?)

Try to avoid canceling out on too many people, though. (Oh, indeed.  We wouldn’t want to interrupt them cancelling out on Us.)

If you flake out on your social plans at the last minute, (We just attempted to research the origins of the phrase “to flake out”.  It wasn’t very interesting, and We’re sorry We mentioned it.)

you could do a lot of harm to your hard-won reputation.  (A hard-won reputation and a hard-on reputation are two different things.  Discuss.)

What you expect and want from love turns out to be very different from what you need. (Especially since, when Kelli says “love” to Us, she Always means it in the tennis sense.)

(Heh.  A sports joke.  That never happens.  There should be a drinking game.  (Tennis is a sport, right?))

This new, mature you  (The fat jokes weren’t enough?  Now We get old jokes?)

is ready to deal with what a relationship really is. (It doesn’t have to be real; imaginary is fine.  Hell, it’s already inflatable.)

You disdain illusions and crave reality.  (True dat.  We are  a big ol’ disdainer from way back.  (Disdain in Spain spays males in Lake Champlain.))

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

If you could read Our mind, love, what a tale Our thoughts could tell.

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Munty, Hunty, May 28, 2012.  Happy belated birthday to Deb, who turned twenty-four yesterday.  Happy Memorial Day to the rest of Our American readers, and happy Spring Bank Holiday to Our readers in Greater Brittania.

We trust you have all recovered from the grueling story of Our Buttock Pimple (which, for those of you who nakedly skimmed Saturday’s e-pissode, was e-ssentially the sequel to The Scarlet Pimpernel. (We have no idea what that means, but it suddenly occurred to Us, and We didn’t want to let it get away, in case it was accidentally funny or something.))

(It also just occurred to Us that We have no idea what is a pimpernel, scarlet or otherwise, so We went and Googled it on Wikipedia.  Wow.  How boring.  And people actually READ that book?  It must have been published during a particularly dreadful television season.)

For those of you who remain concerned about Our buttockian health, We would like to point out that the pimple issue (note to Self: adjectival form: pimplicious) had actually resolved itself prior to the publication of SayerDee’s e-pisstle, but, having composed virtually the entire thing in Our head before going back to sleep upon being awakened by said pimple, We saw no reason to waste Our e-fforts.

(Is this e-hyphen thing getting on people’s nerves?  Too bad, so sad, anal sex with your dad.)

Speaking of things on One’s nerves, We had the misfortune to watch Drive yesterday.  If only We had (subjunctively) had a film crew on hand to make a time-release fillum of Our pimple bursting, We could clearly have won an Oscar™ compared to this crap.  And We are very sorry, but We completely fail to see the appeal of Ryan Gosling.  Now, before all you Ryan Gosling worshippers get your knickers in a twist (which can, you should be advised, cause pimplicious buttockian eruptions) , We are not saying he is completely unattractive.  He is every bit attractive enough to be, say, a sales associate at Macy’s.  (Just not in men’s wear.)  Or a door-to-door Mormon missionary.  (The sidekick one,  that they send to keep the really attractive one from having gay sex in every other house.)  Or a dyslexic Wheel of Fortune contestant.  (We have no idea why We just said that, but We couldn’t think of a third thing.)  But a movie star?  Not so much.

Speaking of starring in things,  the WaitStaff will be playing The Match Game again by popular demand on Thursday, June 7 and Friday, June 8, at 7:30 at L’Etage at 6^th & Bainbridge.  Did We mention that, the first time We played, a number of people came back for more than one performance?  Well, We did now.  Reservations are strongly suggested, and can be obtained here:  http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/250950  Find more info on Our SitOnMyFaceBook event here:  http://www.facebook.com/events/429387893745900/  Be there or be square.

We just went looking up famous people having birthdays today, lest We deprive you of any essential information to share over your barbecued weenies later on.  We found a site that had thirteen famous folks with birthdays today listed, among them singers Gladys Knight and Kylie Minogue,  James Bond author Ian Fleming, sports legend Jim Thorpe, and former NooJork Mayor Rudy Giuliani.  And, right there amidst these other luminaries?  Editor of The Amish Garden News, Sicily Yoder.

So stick a candle in your shoofly pie, boyz and gurrlllzzz. (Is it just Us, or would “stick a candle in your shoofly pie” make a helluva euphemism?  (Also an Elton John song. (Although they’d’ve probably frowned on it at Princess Di’s funeral.)))

Gawd bless the WorldWideInterWebNetz.

Here’s  the HorrorScope:

You’re feeling the heat — whether it’s from a new romance, a new exercise regimen (Or menopause?)

or the sun of a tropical vacation. (Or that.  (Son of A Tropical Vacation was, of course, the sequel to A Tropical Vacation. Starring Ryan Gosling and Sicily Yoder.  It was followed by Son of A Tropical Vacation Two, Son of A Tropical Vacation Strikes Back, and Rocky Balboa.))

(Just like a paperback novel, the kind the drugstores sell….)

Whatever it is, soak it up and relish every moment — it’s times like this that make you feel alive!  (When, in reality, We’ve been dead since a week ago Tuesday.  And We’re starting to smell.)

A challenging — but somewhat amusing — situation (Is it just Us, or does that sound completely like a threat?)

will give you an opportunity to demonstrate your flexibility, (Maybe We’ll put TWO candles in Our shoofly pie!)

and you’ll make an especially good impression on someone who has had an eye on you for quite a while. (Maybe We’ll put SIXTEEN candles in Our shoofly pie!  (Kiss Us quick, We’re Molly Ringwald.))

The two of you are about to start a new type of relationship. (Don’t tell Us, lettuce guess:  not only platonic, but imaginary.  Also, he’s straight.  And a woman.  And a straight woman.  Who looks like Ryan Gosling.)

(Just like an old-time movie, ‘bout a ghost in a wishing well….)

This person is as strong as you are, and will be able to challenge you the way you need to be challenged. (Can the bitch put sixteen candles in his shoofly pie?  Because, if not, step way the fuck off!)

Don’t be afraid to let him or her bring out the best in you.  (We did mention that those candles were LIT, didn’t We?  (Also Roman?))

If you’re feeling edgy, don’t panic. (Easy for you to say, bee-yotch…you don’t have sixteen lit Roman candles in your shoofly pie!)

(Is it just Us, or is that sounding dirtier and dirtier?)

You’re not going crazy. (Of course We’re not going.  We’ve already been.  Wanna see Our T-shirt?)

It’s a great time to write about what’s going on inside. (Two sentences from the end, and NOW you’re gonna tell Us what to write about?)

Whether you’re sabotaging a relationship or missing an opportunity, (Jigga what?)

you should know the details of your psyche. (Yeah, We’re pretty sure We shouldn’t.)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

Her name was Lola; she was in Showgirls.

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Toulouse Lautrec, October 4, 2011.  Goddammit, once We thought of Toulouse Lautrec, We had a whole riff planned on “who the hell names their baby ‘TooLoose’?”, which was really, really funny (trust Us), then We Googled his (TooLoose) ass on Wikipedia to verify the spelling, and it turns out that “Toulouse-Lautrec” was his damn last name; his first name was “Henri”.  Fuck Us up against a rock with a sandpaper condom till We scream out your daddy’s name.  Meanwhile, We do not often give kudos to Micro$oft Weird™, but We must say We are impressed that it recognizes both “Toulouse” and “Lautrec”, although “TooLoose” gives it pause.

That said, happy birthday to Our daughter, who turns twenty-four today in the credenza in the time machine in the credenza in the time machine at the Copa Copa Cabana the hottest spot north of Chiquita Banana.  Also, happy birthday to Jill, who, coincidentally, also turns twenty-four today.  Although not, as far as We know, in the credenza in the time machine in the credenza in the time machine at the Copa Copa Cabana the hottest spot north of Chiquita Banana.

Stop Us before We copy and paste again.

As We mentioned yesterday, We spent last evening in a focus group on hot sauces.  Naturally, We are sworn to secrecy on the exact nature of what We were focused upon, but We will tell you that one of Our fellow focusers was wearing a denim jacket with “Jesus Christ” handpainted on the back.

And now Micro$oft Weird™ would have Us believe that “focusers” is a word, while “handpainted” is not.  Our whole world is topsy-turvy, flopsy-flurvy, mopsy-murvy, cottontail, and peter.

In still other news, We had an actual inquiry in the comments section of yesterday’s Erix Daily Horoscope (the existence of which will apparently come as a surprise to most of you) as to the whereabouts of Starzina’s Time Of The  Month Horoscope: Libra. Just when We thought We were being taken for granted.  Those of you in The Business Of Show will understand Us when We say that it is in post-production.  Those of you NOT in The Business Of Show will say, “What the fuck is she talking about?”  Ob-la-di, ob-la-da, Elton John.

And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for: Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec, Chiquita Banana, and Elton John, all in the same paragraph.  Is it just Us, or does that sound like a really dirty sequel to Moulin Rouge?  Alternatively, the HorrorScope:

Slow down and take today one step at a time. (The way Our life generally goes, We’ll be taking it one evil stepmother at a time.)

Things are looking good for you in many ways, (As long as We avoid mirrors.)

but if you try to rush through your activities, (Or rush through your fraternities.  (Heh.  See what We did there?))

things are likely to get pretty weird pretty fast!  (Oh, please. “Weird” is way back there someplace.)

What moral sacrifices are you prepared to make in order to reach your goals?  (Three virgins and a goat.)

(Hmmm….that’s a rather promising start to a joke of some sort.  “Three virgins and a goat walk into a bar…”)

Thinking about these boundaries is important, especially today — when you’ll be offered a major opportunity that will involve an action that might leave you a bit embarrassed to look in the mirror. (Didn’t We JUST say that?)

You aren’t the type of person who manipulates people so you can use them to your advantage.  (Mmm-hmm.  And as long as We can keep faking sincerity, We’ve got it made.)

Keep in mind that other people — even your competitors — are human beings just like you.  (Except for the virgin goats.)

When you throw yourself into the dating scene, it might feel like tumbling into a shark tank. (We’re gonna need a bigger boat.)

But remind yourself that you can do this. (Why should We lie to Ourself, when everyone else is already doing such a good job of it?)

You have a lot to offer the right, lucky person. (Was that a fat joke?)

Believe in yourself and they will do the same. (It is difficult to believe in yourself when you know you’re imaginary.)

 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.