The yellow rose of East Texas

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for GoodPieRupeeTuesday,  October Sebbenst, 2014.

Happy Birthday to Brainard, who turns twenty-four today in New York.  New York, New York:  The City That Doesn’t Sleep (With Us).

Happy Birthday also to Kevin, who also turns twenty-four today.  In somewhere called “East Texas, Pennsylvania”.  There really oughta be a law.  Seriously…if they don’t want to be called “Pennsyltucky”, they gotta stop naming places things like “East Texas”.  Gawd!

In other news, for those of Our Gentle Readers who like guessing games (which, from the thunderous response, would appear to be exactly one of you (hi, MizDonna!)), you may recall a week or so ago when We asked you to  Guess What We Did Last Night.  (MizDonna, for those curious Gentle Readers whose curiosity has not yet caused the untimely demise of their pussies, guessed that We had finally met Johnny Depp.  Yeah, like We could keep the gaping maw that is Our mouth closed for this long about THAT.)

Well, guess what, ladies and genitals?  We did it again!  So again We say: Guess What We Did Last Night!

In other other news, despite Our tender age of twenty-four, We were one of the very first people (after Al Gore, of course (and George Takei)) to find Our way onto the WorldWideInterWebNetz.  We have tried always to be an early adopter of social media platforms, whether We understand them or not, as clearly, in Our profession, One’s ability to whore Oneself on all media platforms increases the funds One finds under the lamp on the nightstand.

One of the social media platforms We had enjoyed playing with (although not fully comprehending) had been FourSquare, which One uses, primarily through One’s smart(ass)phone, to check in at different locations, thereby informing One’s friends that One is somewhere cooler than they are.  We primarily enjoyed using this whilst travelling, when We would look at the list of businesses etc. in Our vicinity and check in at the most oddly named one.

Then one day, on some excursion during the past year, FourSquare stopped working for Us.  Oh, We could call it up, and do everything associated with it, EXCEPT We couldn’t check in anywhere.  We figgered We had pissed off the FourSquare gods with Our frivolous check-ins at random oddly-named places where We had never been.

We haven’t been able to check in for at least eight months.

Until today.

Imagine Our surprise when We picked up Our phone to see which of Our many friends were ignoring Us today and discovered Our FourSquare app mysteriously open to the check-in screen.

To celebrate, We promptly checked in somewhere nearby called The Nuthouse.

True story.

(Speaking of planets, Uranus.  (No, not really…We just said that because there was urine in the preceding story. (But speaking of planets, We just heard though the WorldWideInterWebNetz grapevine that Pluto may be a planet again.  (The jury is still out on Goofy.))))

Here, meanwhile, speaking of the WorldWideInterWebNetz and the wisdom therein, is this, from an attractive young SitOnMyFaceBook friend:

 Unless you're an astronaut, you have free time.

In other news, We have seen exactly one of the people named in today’s e-pissode naked.  For extra credit points, guess which one.

Meanwhile, Our Libra video is above, and here is the link with which you may share it with both of your friends:  http://youtu.be/I-sVEr84fyk?list=UUtq4ffsQ_xGu4T5NSA2HfaQ

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And heeeeerrrre’s the HorrorScope:

In celebrity birthdays, Evan Longoria was born today.  Eva Longoria was not. Evan, Eva…Eva, Evan…it’s Uma-Oprah for the new millennium. They (Eva Longoria and Evan Longoria, that is) will be co-starring in a remake of A League Of Their Own.

It will no doubt surprise everyone that We just made a (sort of) sports joke.

It is also Vladimir Putin’s birthday.  Speaking of sports, ol’ Vladimir is a champion Hokey-pokey player.

                                                                                                                                        

You put your left hand in, Putin, you put your left hand out, you put your left hand in, Putin, and you shake it all about…                                  

It will no doubt surprise no one that We just made a (sort of) fisting joke.

Also, Yo-Yo Ma.

Those jokes write their own selves.

Aries

Sleep will elude you as you wrestle all night with existential questions of mortality and meaning as well as a couple of random wrestlers.

Taurus

You'll start to think the people who want you to choose between hugs and drugs have set up a false dichotomy after discovering you can actually have both at once.

Gemini

Remember, only you can give yourself permission to be happy, although the people in charge of giving you permission to use the bathroom may have something to say about that.

Cancer

You had no idea the love life of the nuthatch was so vigorous, so obsessive, and so likely to result in the death of people like yourself who just like to watch birds do it.

Leo

You hate the phrase "We're through the looking glass here, people," but you'll have to use it anyway this week when you and a bunch of people go through a looking glass.

Virgo

The stars hate to be the ones to tell you, but the problem with you is certainly not that you love too much.

Libra

People will say you've hit a new low even for you, which is depressing, as they clearly haven't been paying attention to a thing you've done.

Scorpio

You'll score a bunch of great stereo equipment and furniture from your neighbors, who happen to die when you go into their house and stab them and take all their things.

Sagittarius

You'll finally give in to a persistent coworker's desire to, as he puts it, "spread you wide open, throw your feet up on the mantel, and really go to town," but to your great dismay there seems to be sex involved.

Capricorn

You knew that moving to the suburbs would expose you to a whole new kind of culture shock, but you had no idea there were people who didn't get drunk to mow the lawn.

Aquarius

Romance will bloom in your sign this week, coating everything with a thin layer of pollen and making a mess before germinating into the overripe and rotten fruit of routine.

Pisces

There will be no major changes in your life this week, which given the fires and barracudas, is pretty terrible news.

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Steal his pretty little muffler and mess around with his virginity

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for WinesDay, July 2^rd  , 2014.

Happy Birthday to Michael, who turns twenty-four today in New York. New York, New York.  The City That Doesn’t Sleep (With Us).

And Happy Hump Day to the rest of you.  Although, even as We were typing that, We realized its erroneosity, as most of Us will have Friday off, so this is actually A Week Without A Hump. (HOW We managed to realize that, We shall never know…they are ALL A Week Without A Hump for Us.)

In other news, faithful Gentle Readers (i.e. non-naked-skimmers) will recall the on-going saga of the pecan pie, made with real molasses and Lindt’s™ Extra Dark Chocolate.  Today is the first day since last Thursday that We have no piece of said pie for Our breakfast.  This must be EXACTLY how poor people feel.

(Are We The Queen Of All Empathy, or what?)

(Who said, “Or what”?)

In other other news, if George Takei takes a day off, do the InterNetz close down?  (Answer: no, because Josh K.)

Heh.   That right there is what you call an “inside joke”.  (You can tell it from an “inside straight” because We know what an “inside joke” actually is.)  Most people, for example, will get the George Takei part of the preceding, and some will, possibly, even think it is funny.  (Not, of course, so much “funny: ha-ha” as “funny: he never has a second cup of coffee at home”.) But only two people can possibly get the second part, and what are the odds either of them will think it is funny?

Of course, astute readers (and why you’re wasting your time reading stutes when you could be re-reading bygone e-pissodes of Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!, We’ll never know) will have figgered out that the second part is supposed to be funny because Josh K is a person who does a lot of InterNetzing.  (The funniest jokes being, naturally, the ones that have to be explained.)

If, however, We have made even one of YouPeople feel funnier than We are by comparison, then We have accomplished Our mission.

In other other other news, We find Ourselves (not that We were looking for Us, but it’s a figger of speech) in the sign of Cancer, Our video for which is above …and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends: http://youtu.be/e-EpBAfem_M ))).

 

Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is Our previous Cancer video, which is the second  Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video We ever made.  Just look how far We’ve come! (Ooops…did that get in your eye?):

And here’s the HorrorScope:

In celebrity birthday news,  for all you motherfucking gritkissers (say THAT three times fast) out there, it is Polly Holliday’s birthday. Prior to Googling her on Wikipedia, We were firmly convinced that she had shuffled off this mortal coil. (That’s Shakespearean for “dropped dead”, for Our unedumacated Gentle Readers.)  Not because she is particularly ancient, but because We thought We had heard that she died of some disease or another.  Now We wonder with whom We’ve mixed her up.

Sorry, Polly.

Details start to get pretty irritating today (And The Big Picture ain’t no picnic neither.)

— so make sure that you’re ready to deal with them face to face. (Oh, please…have you seen what’s passing for faces out there these days?  Talk to Our ass…Our face has seen enough.)

(You say “faces”, and We say “feces”   

You say “spaces” and We say “species”

Facetious! Secretions!

Pernicious! Excretions!

Let’s call this whole song disgusting…)

(That Cole Porter sure did have a way with words, dinnee?)

If you don’t, they are sure to pile up and cause real trouble down the line.  (Oh, great…now We have piles on top of everything else…)

Finishing up all your errands isn’t that important today (Of course it isn’t…as long as We remember to buy that winning PowerBall™ ticket.)

— starting new projects is. (So now We have piles and have to live in the projects?  This day just gets betterer and betterer.)

So put off picking up your dry cleaning, getting more kitty litter or stopping to get your oil changes. (Thank you ever so much, Oh AssHatted One, for your permission not to do three things that were not now, or indeed, mostly ever, on Our to-do list.  Bitch.)

These things can wait.  (And good things come on those who wait.  Conversely, he who hesitates, masturbates.)

But when an opportunity or invitation lands right in your lap, you have to take it!  (Well, DUH.  As soon as We dig it out of the cobwebs.)

Don’t let the day-to-day routine make you forget that life is an adventure.  (Of COURSE it is.  The Poseidon Adventure.)

Go down an unexplored path today.  (Speaking of Uranus…)

(That right there was a little Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopular) joke.  Funny, no?)

(Who said, “No”?)

(Don’t MAKE Us come over there!)

Now is an awesome time to seek out new people and places.  (What she is neglecting to mention is that they are people with piles in places like the projects.)

Try something wild and nutty (Johnny Depp’s crotch?)

(Ooops…was that the OUTSIDE voice?)

— if you ever wanted to run the rapids, do it now. (Mmm-hmmm.  Clearly, We are a rapid-runnin’-wannabe from WAAAAAAY back.)

Work those guilty pleasures and see who pops up.  (Now, that’s just dirty.  Don’t MAKE Us re-think how much We loathe you….)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.