We been spending most our lives living in an Amish paradise

Hello, Ducks!

             

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherMackTruckMonday, November 11^rd  , 2013. (We’ll pause here, so you can savor just exactly how preposterous you sound,  attempting to pronounce “11^rd” .)

So, first and Formosa, thank you to Juan Anne Dahl who came out to support Us as We strutted and fretted Our hour upon the stage last night.  We had so much fun looking for Uranus!  And it will amuse you to know that, not only is Leonardo DiCaprio a Scorpio, but his birthday is today!  Also, We just learned that his middle name is “Wilhelm”.  Seriously.  “Leonardo Wilhelm DiCaprio.”  Wut da fuq were Mom and Pops DiCaprio smoking?

Okay, We’ll get off of Leo DiCaprio now, before Tobey Maguire gets pissed at Us. 

Seconal, Happy Birthday to OurMizCathy, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.  MizCathy was at the show last night.  Also, Happy Birthday to Dito, who also turns twenty-four today, also right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.   Dito’s alter ego, Martha Graham Cracker, was mentioned IN the show last night.  In the very same paragraph as Deborah Block’s Cock.

We bet you’re sorry you missed it now.

Thirstily, Happy Veterans Day.  We trust most of you are enjoying a day off of work.  Today’s Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Gerard Depardieu Marilyn McCoo Spiro Agnew, however, is Our gift to those of you who do NOT have the day off.  Employ it as you see fit.

We were somewhat taken aback to see a Google Doodle for veterans Day today.  Google doesn’t usually do a Doodle for such a mainstream holiday; they’re usually more like, “Happy 237^th birthday to Millard Fillmore’s proctologist”.

(How many of you are now attempting to picture the Google Doodle for Millard Fillmore’ proctologist’s birthday?  Perverts.)

Meanwhile, from the Useless Junk Email Department, Eversave Philadelphia wants Us to know that We can get 78% off on a cordless electric knife.  We totally want one now.  Oh, not for Our kitchen.  To carry around in public.  Can’t you just picture Us whipping that bad boy out of Our purse on the Broad Street Subway?

(Note to Self: get bigger purse.)

Fort Lee, We should also mention, lest you thought We were finished plugging Ourself (We HAVE to plug Ourself…no one else will) that LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour  is actually going on tour!  We shall be at Vagabond Acting Troupe’s Arts House Theater, somewhere called Honey Boo Boo, Pennsylvania, which, as near as We can tell from a map, appears to be in Amish country.  You can find all the particulars regarding Our gig next Sunday, November 17, here: 

https://www.facebook.com/events/596376880428754/ .

Is Starzina gonna rock Zebediah’s Rumspringa, or what?

And now, the HorrorScope:

In other celebrity birthday news, in case you weren’t feeling old enough yet today, Will Smith apparently has a child named Trey (this is NOT the child who whips her hair back and forf).  He turns twenty-one today.

Try to just chill out today, as much as you can.  (There’s precious little “can” about it…have you seen the weather reports?)

You don’t have the right kind of energy (No shit.)

to exert your will on the world, but you can at least rest, heal up and get ready for the exciting times to come!  (Indeed so!  Amish Uranus!  We’re guessing We don’t even have to shave Our legs!)

It’s time to do some reading between the lines. (It’s a one-woman show.  In between the lines, We breathe.)

A friend who’s an expert at this can help you detect the signs, and then it’s time to figure out how, exactly, you’re going to handle this potentially sticky situation. (Oh, Zebediah, Zebediah, Zebediah….sticky, sticky Zebediah.  It’s time to plow the back forty.)

 Your conservative, practical side (Um…have you MET Us?)

may be in denial (We are NOT in denial.)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

that there’s something funny going on, (Not, of course, so much “funny: ha ha” as “funny: the Amish don’t usually glow in the dark”.)

(We have absolutely no idea what that meant.)

 but on a more intuitive level, it’s hard to refute.  (Also, on a more infuitive level, it’s hard to retoot.)

Remember that you don’t have to go out every single night! (Or, apparently, ANY single night.)

It’s perfectly okay to take a break and do as little as possible tonight. (You heard the lady.)

Slip into your favorite PJs and relax with something mindless. (That is a very mean way to talk about Zebediah.)

You’re sure to feel better in the morning. (Better than what?)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

We’ve got an opening (heh) for a princess

Hello, Ducks!

             

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for ThurstonHowellTheThird’sThirdThirstyThrowbackThursdayAtThurgoodMarhsall’sHouse, October 31^nd, 2013.

It being the third day in a row of Our having no personal and/or SitOnMyFaceBook acquaintances’ birthdays to celebrate, We shall just point out that, in addition to the horror of Halloween, both Willow Smith and Vanilla Ice were born today. (Not, We hasten to Aunt Clarify, in the same year.)

Our WorldWideInterWebNetz, meanwhile, are all a-Twatter with the sentiment that, if Willow Smith were (subjunctively) to strap on a little white penis and slather on some whiteface to go trick-or-treating as Vanilla Ice, that would be perfectly fine, but if Vanilla Ice were to slap on some Ben Nye™ Light Egyptian and whip his hair back and forf (does Vanilla Ice still have hair?) to go trick-or-treating as Willow Smith, that would somehow be racist. Which it may well be, but, if you intend to convince Us, you will need to make a better argument than, “Well, it just is, because it IS.”

Of course, you are not reading this e-pisstle to hear Us hold forf on weighty issues like racism.  (You ARE reading this out loud, aren’t you?)  You are reading it to hear Us imagine Willow Smith and Vanilla Ice going trick-or-treating as each other, TOGETHER, and, more to the point, what Will and Jada will say when they find out that a forty-six year old man has taken their thirteen year old daughter trick-or-treating.

In other completely random celebrity news, We had a dream the other night in which The Sainted Mother and all of her sisters (no idea where her brothers were) had gathered together because their mother was in the hospital. All of her sisters, We should say, but one, and it was, consequently, left  up to Us to explain the situation, over the phone, to The Sainted Mother’s absent sister…Carol Burnett.  Carol, naturally, had her own point of view regarding the situation, which she seemed to think was entirely Sally Struthers’s fault.  (Well, Carol called her “Gloria”, but We KNEW who she meant.)

Speaking of dreams, in the wake of all of Our recent “Picturing People Naked” Weeks, We would like you all to know that, as We move into a brand new month, We shan’t be picturing anybody naked for a while.  No, indeed, We shan’t be Envisioning Allen’s Tomahawk, or Tiptoeing Through The Tulips Of Kevin’s Manscaping, or Picturing…well, We never DID actually SEE Peter naked, but a girl can dream, can’t she?  There will be no more conjuring up images of Lex’s eggroll, only to re-conjure them half an hour later when We are hungry again, and no more imagining what tricks or treats are nestled like sugarplums in OurThreeSons’ Jeggings™. (Is it warm in here, or is it just Us?)

We trust that none of these lovely gentlemen will expire from the dearth of attention.  And We sincerely hope they will keep perusing these e-pisstles, despite their absence from their pages. Perhaps they will even deign to explain how it is that We didn’t receive so much as a single sext after almost of month of this shameless behavior…

Changing gears, The Little Show That Could, LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour , will be returning for one night only on Sunday, November 10 at 7:30 at L’Etage.  Get your tickets here:  http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/499391  . Dammit.

Urban Dictionary wants Us to know that an example of a “bad porno pun” is “You’ve Got Male Genitalia” as a play on “You’ve Got Mail”.  Thanks, Urban Dictionary.

Meanwhile, in the interests of holiday spirit, here’s this:

http://dontpkethebear.com/18-examples-of-incredibly-impressive-halloween-makeup-to-creep-you-out/

                                            

and this:

http://www.whatthefuckshouldibeforhalloween.com/

And here is the HorrorScope:

That little pain in your foot  (What about that little pain in Our assz?)

or digestive issue may start to flare up today — so pay careful attention and try not to make it worse. It’s a good day to follow up with health care professionals.  (Wait…is this a horoscope, or a rectal exam?)

The people closest to you are starting to see you in a brand new light right now.  (That’s because Our duodenum glows in the dark.)

Maybe it’s the changes you’ve been making in your life, maybe it’s the changes that they’ve made in theirs.  (Maybe Allen’s tomahawk is helicoptering while Lex plays “Hide-the-Eggroll”.)

(Oooops… We forgot Ourself.)

Either way, this is a day when you will see little if any conflict happening.   (Sez you.  Bitch.)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

Everyone is on your side, (Or Our back…one of those.)

and they all agree with your ways of thinking. (Yeah. THAT could happen.)

All of this wonderful collaboration means one thing — progress!  (An example of how Our mind works:  We are looking at the word “progress”.  It causes Us to neologize the word “frogress”.  Which is either some feminine form of “frog” or a cross between a “frog” and an “ogress”.  Which then makes Us wonder why there even IS a feminine form of “ogre”, because, really?  If you’ve got an ogre to deal with, do you really care if it’s a man or a woman?  On the other hand, if it’s a frogress, you MIGHT want to know about gender, because, if you kiss it, you might want to know if you’re getting a prince or a princess.  As the majority of people would in fact, have a preference.)

(Prince Harry naked.)

(Vacation timeshares in (what passes for) Our mind are now being booked through early 2014.)

You could finish up everything today if you pull everyone together.  (But there are seven of ‘em…well, EIGHT, counting Prince Harry…and We’ve only got two hands.)

There’s lots of silly little details to take care of today, (There certainly are…so We’d best wrap this up.)

though you’d rather focus on the larger, sweeter, more romantic side of life. (Oh, great…keep talking like that, and We’ll NEVER stop picturing those people naked.)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.