Or were you just being kind?

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for WinesDay,  November Fivest, 2014.

In what appears to be the only Happy Post-Erection Day news, Olga Korbut will no longer be governor of Pennsyltucky.

American politics are weird.

Happy Birthday, meanwhile to Aubrey, who turns twenty-four today.  In Colorado.  (Is anyone else now imagining getting high and fashioning a birthday cake out of Doritos™ and bean dip?  Just Us?  Alrighty, then.)

Happy Birthday also to Kevin, who also turns twenty-four today.  Kevin, SitOnOurFaceBook informs Us, lives in Media.  Honey, it’s The Digital Age…We ALL live in Media.

Happy Birthday also too to Rachel, who also too turns twenty-four today, right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.

In other news, maybe it’s just Us, but NO ONE at Our Target looks anything remotely like #alexfromtarget  . Not the employees, not the customers, not the homeless people who live out front.  (On the other hand, We can WALK to Target from OurHouseWhereWeLive. You are jealous of Us, we know.  Jell-USSSS.)

In completely unrelated news, here’s a little ditty by Stephen Sondheim, sung by Jeremy Jordan.  It is completely safe for the workplace, assuming, of course, that bursting into tears is acceptable in your workplace.  (But then, it’s a workplace…how could bursting into tears NOT be acceptable?)  This video is actually an example of an extremely rare genre entitled “Heterosexual Men Doing Musical Theatre”. We’re going to send it out to all the heterosexual men We know who do musical theatre.  Both of whom are very nice.  (You know who you are.):

Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!: the WorldWideInterWebNetz’s only official source for “Elih Tani naked” and “Elih Tani’s penis”.  (If you have no idea what We’re talking about (lord knows, We don’t), please see here:

http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2014/10/go-ask-alice-when-shes-ten-feet-tall.html 

and/or here:

http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2014/10/im-muscle-fa-an.html )

Meanwhile, We have leapt feet first, nipples-to-the-wind and tits akimbo, Jonathan Lipnicki’s penis (ooops) into Scorpio, and Our Scorpio video is above. Here is the link with which you may share it with both of your friends:

  http://youtu.be/UiJLA4MRNNg?list=UUtq4ffsQ_xGu4T5NSA2HfaQ

Thank Gawd We didn’t stray from the point.

****************************************

In celebrity birthday news, confusingly, singers Bryan Adams and Ryan Adams were both born today. We, however, are not as confused as some of you, because We have no clue who Ryan Adams even is.

Meanwhile, Natalie Schafer, who played Lovey Howell on Gilligan’s Island, would be a hundred and fourteen years old today.  If she weren’t (subjunctively), ya know, dead.

Also, in sad quasi-celebrity birthday news, Happy Birthday to Kevin Jonas, the oldest, least attractive, and least successful of The Jonas Brothers.  The Jonas Brothers being, of course, no longer a thing.  Joe Jonas was a thing for a minute, and Nick Jonas looks like he’s gonna be a thing for quite a little while now, but Kevin…enjoy that cake, Bro.

Step right up and volunteer for service today — you can tell that you’ve got what it takes to make a real difference. (Oddly enough, just one week ago today, AssHatt Kelli’s opening sentence was as follows:

Self-confidence may be in unusually short supply today, (Nervous is why…there’s new Soft-and-Dri™.)

but you can still make a real difference.  (A real difference?  As opposed to an imaginary difference?  Is an imaginary difference actually a thing, or is it just a longer way of saying the same?)

Does no one proofread/edit this crap?)

 It’s a good time to show others exactly what you are capable of and lead the way.  (Will everyone here kindly step to the rear and let a wiener lead the way?)

The encouragement you’ve been waiting for arrives — although you’ll have to find it. (Words have meanings, AssHatt…if it has “arrived”, it’s HERE, and, thus, FOUND.  Jeebus.)

Relax, though (That’s what Frankie said.)

 — if you can’t quite connect with it today, you will get another chance when you are ready.  (Mmm-hmmm.  Because The Universe is just chock full of second chances.)

People are looking out for you and are waiting to give you a leg up if you need it. (A leg up where?  (That’s gonna HURT.))

You are in many people’s hearts, and today you may really start to understand how deep.  (Hey, We didn’t buy this chainsaw for nothing.)

Group activities will encourage some exploration. (Did that sound dirty to you?  Because it sure sounded dirty to Us.)

Be a team player and give new challenges the old college try!  (Twenty-three skidoo!  (What the fuck is she talking about?))

The hotties will be out in full force (Jeremy Jordan?  Nick Jonas?  Elih Tani?  Alex from Target?  Be SPECIFIC, Bee-Yotch!)

— don’t be surprised if you run into that neighbor of interest. (You have clearly never been to Our neighborhood.)

Now’s the time to chat it up. (“It”?  Honey, if We can’t tell “its” gender, We ain’t chatting “it” up.)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

They say I better get a chaperone because I can't stop messin' with the danger zone

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! For March 14^st , 2014.

Happy Birthday to Barb, who turns twenty-four today all the way out in California.  (It is always a mystery to Us why they give place-names to places in California when, as all Right-Coasters know, there are only two places there:  El Lay (which contains, of course, WeHo) and Fran Sancisco, where they think Rice-A-Roni™ is a treat.  (Purists will argue the existence of San Diego, which is where they make gay porn, but, this being a family-friendly horoscope, We decline to enter that discussion.))

(It is so too a family-friendly horoscope!  If your family’s name is Addams…)

Barb, as it turns out, is turning twenty-four in the Fran Sancisco part of California.  With, hopefully, a candle in her Rice-A-Roni™.  (Did that sound like a vulgar euphemism to you?  Because it sounded like a vulgar euphemism to Us, and We were uncharacteristically aware of what the hell We were talking about.)

We have lamented in these e-pisstles before, but it bears repeating, that Rice-A-Roni™ ceased being a treat when they took the little slivered almonds out of the fried-rice Rice-A-Roni™ flavor.  Because, as you may have surmised, We prefer Our treats to have nuts.  (Our tricks, too, but that’s a whore of another color.)

Moving on, Happy Birthday also to Dominic, who turns twenty-four today somewhere in Greater Bostonia.  Also too, Happy Birthday to Sue, aka Berdine, who also too turns twenty-four today, in, We just today for the first time noticed, Bethlehem.  Where We had no idea anyone actually lived, although We had heard of people being born there.

(That right there was a little of the family-friendly religious humor for which Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! is famous.  A Jesus joke that your starchiest nun would be hard-pressed to take offense at, if you will.  (Or even if you won’t…since when is it all about YOU?))

Apropos of nothing, how much do We love it when Our Hottie McHottHott With HottSauce mailman brings the mail, AND there’s a check in it?  Thanks, Loretta! (We should note at this juncture that Loretta and LOretta are two different people.  So it’s good that one of them is called “Loretta” and the other is called “LOretta”.  (Also, how damn glamorous is Our life that We know TWO people named Loretta (well, one named Loretta and one named LOretta, but still…))

We had a red-letter day yesterday (literarily, a red-letter day is good, but a scarlet letter is bad; discuss) in that We heard from more people named in Our e-pisstle than ever before…We hope this signifies the start of a trend!  So shout-outs to Ian (We hope you got a “candle in your Rice-A-Roni™” for your birthday (god, that sounds vile!)), and Josh, and Jill (who would actually be mentioned again today regardless of this shout-out, as it was during a convo on her SitOnMyFaceBook page that We were told (not by Jill, mind you) to shut Our pie-hole about Pie Day.

Also, confidential to Becky (so the rest of you, put pie in your ears):  the last time We bought a slip, it was at FW Woolworth & Company.  So that tells you how long ago THAT was.

Moving on, in ass(tromalogical) ho(roscopular) news, We have entered the sign of Pisces, Our most recent video for which is above.  Here is the link with which you may share it with your friends: http://youtu.be/KMNgwWwNux8 

Because you do that, don’t you?  DON’T YOU?

And here, because We can resist no opportunity to share it, is Our FIRST Pisces video, starring the now non-teen-aged Justin Bieber.  :

In horrifying news, We had better best get the fuck out of Pisces FAST, because We just discovered that Justin Bieber has now surpassed Johnny Depp as Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!’s most-cited celebrity.  Jeebus.

http://www.queerty.com/justin-biebers-penis-will-be-redacted-from-police-security-footage-sorry-everyone-20140305/

And now, the HorrorScope:

Bringing you, as We do, the Up-To-The-Minute, Vital-To-The-Realm Celebrity Birthday News…Taylor Hanson (of Hanson fame) turns thirty-one today.  Because We like Our treats with nuts, We spent some time this morning Googling various Hansons on Wikipedia.  Turns out, “Taylor” is his middle name; his full name is Jordan Taylor Hanson.  One wonders how he came to call himself “Taylor” when “Jordan” is an equally cool name.  (He also has five, count ‘em, FIVE children, but We prefer not to think about that.  Who does he think he is, a fucking Osmond brother?)

Meanwhile, his poor older brother Isaac (and, if you were (subjunctively) unfortunate enough to be named “Isaac”, wouldn’t you simply HAVE to call yourself “Zac” (well, “Sac” (okay, actually “Saac”))?) can’t even call himself “Zac”, because that’s the youngest brother’s name.  Turns out, however, that he doesn’t even HAVE to call himself “Isaac”, because his actual first name is “Clarke”.  Which is way cooler, except for that unnecessary Very Gay E.

Zac, meanwhile, is using a diminutive of his actual first name (Zachary), which does, however, raise several questions.  How does a Zachary decide between “Zac” and “Zach”?  And where the hell does the K come from in all these “Zack”s? Zac also has a perfectly acceptable middle name, to wit, “Walker”.  Much like Walker, Texas Ranger.  Except that Walker was his LAST name.  (Is Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! fucking educational or what?) Also, the Hansons are from Oklahoma, and "Walker, Oklahoma Ranger" just sounds stupid.

Whew!  That’s a whole lotta stuff about Hanson.  And their half-a-dozen nuts.  We are plumb wore out!

We shall leave you with two mental pixtures:  the Hanson brothers taking a SitOnMyFaceBook quiz entitled “Which Jonas Brother Are You?,   And Chuck Norris listening to a mash-up of “Mmm-Bop” and Cyndi Lauper’s “She-Bop”.  On his Walkman™.

You’re welcome.

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

He ain’t hebby, he’s my brudder

Hello, Ducks!

             

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for GoodPieRupeeTuesday, November 5^st, 2013.  Happy Erection Day to all of Our American readers, and Happy Guy Fawkes Day to all of Our Englandish readers.

Speaking of Englandia, here, from The Telegraph, are The Ten Best Dead People To Follow On Twatter: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/men/the-filter/10424244/Ten-dead-people-to-follow-on-Twitter.html

Speaking of Erection Day, they appear to have moved Our polling place.  We used to have to walk two and a half blocks to vote; now, We have to walk only half a block.  Which is lovely, because it is apparently fourteen degrees below zero out there.

Happy Birthday, meanwhile, to Aubrey, who turns twenty-four today.  In Colorado, or some such place.  (Don’t even get Us started.)  Also, Happy Birthday to Kevin, who also turns twenty-four today, somewhere closer to home (although more than half a block away, so don’t expect Us to be dropping by for cake any time soon). And last but not Lee Strasberg, Happy Birthday to Rachel, who also turns twenty-four today, possibly even nearer by than Kevin.

But back to speaking of Erection Day: Our “Picturing Gentle Readers Naked” Weeks appear to have hit a snag, in that John, whose turn it is to be thus pictured, appears not to consult his SitOnMyFaceBook with any regularity, and thus, is UNAWARE that it is his week to be pictured naked.  And, really, if you don’t KNOW that We’re picturing you naked, what’s the point?

We would, consequently, move on to Our next “Picturing Gentle Readers Naked” Week contestant, “Picturing MikeDoh Naked” Week, but it occurs to Us that he is currently in Walla Walla, West Wisconsonomington, where it is even colder than it is here, so picturing him naked hardly seems fair, what with the shrinkage and the blueness and all.

Sigh.

(Meanwhile, We just went and Googled “West Wisconsonomington’s weather” on Wikipedia, to see how cold it actually is.  They are having the exact same weather as We are!  How is THAT fair?  We demand a recount!)

Changing gears completely, The Little Show That Could, LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour ,  will be returning for one night only this coming Sunday, November 10 at 7:30 at L’Etage.  Get your tickets here:  http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/499391  . Dammit.

This just in: Children are our nation's greatest natural resource. Keep a stockpile of them in your basement in the event of an emergency.

And here is the HorrorScope:

In celebrity birthday news, Kevin Jonas (the ugliest Jonas brother) is twenty-six today.  We heard where the JoBros (that’s what those who are hep to the jive call the Jonas Brothers) are breaking up.  We’re not quite sure how that’s possible…they’re still brothers, aren’t they?

Meanwhile, it is also Bryan Adams’s birthday. Didn’t he used to be really hot? Because now, he looks like cold shit on soggy toast.

Also, if she weren’t (subjunctively) dead, Vivien Leigh would be a hundred today.

And, just in case you were feeling younger than you should, both Tatum O’Neal and Andrea McArdle turn fifty today.

You may step on a few toes today — but this time, there’s nothing wrong with that. (Any idiot can step on toes…it’s the people who step on testicles who get things done.)

Those with sensitive feelings are out of place, (Fuck ‘em if they can’t take a joke.)

whereas those who want to get things done are in their element.  (But only if their element is Ruthenium.)

 It’s a great day to get back in touch with your culinary skills!   (Well, good.  Because We will be making meatballs later. Because We are an old Italian grandmother.)

(You’re picturing Us naked now, aren’t you?)

Your creativity is itching for a way to express itself, and food is a wonderful medium for expression.  (Balls.)

(MEATBalls.  Get it?)

Being in the kitchen will give you time to relax. (Not if Dinah’s in there.  Strumming on that old banjo.   Till We are about to go fucking nuts.  Bitch.)

 Let your mind wander as you concentrate on whipping up a delicious dinner for your favorite person tonight — especially if that favorite person is you!

(Sorry…We were letting Our mind wander.)

Show off your vision today, (Newsflash:  Most people?  Can see.  Idiot.)

whether you’re messaging a special someone or updating your social networking page with an intriguing new post.  (Is it just Us, or does that sentence desperately want to contain the word “soupcon” somewhere?)

(Just Us?  Alrighty, then.)

It’s what makes you unique that gets to them now. (And We are just about as fucking unique as everybody else is.)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.