All the boyz think she’s a spaz… she’s got… Kevin Bacon’s assz…

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Friday, June 13^st  , 2014.

Yes, keedz, it’s Friday The Thirteenst…SCAAAAAARRRRYYYYY!  And you know what that means, around These Parts, anyway:  it’s Kevin Bacon’s Ass Day!

Fortunately, We have archives to spare Us from waxing loquacious on the subject of Kevin Bacon’s ass every time a Kevin Bacon’s Ass Day rolls around.  So, for lively discourse about Kevin Bacon’s ass, and pixtures of same, please go here: http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2012/04/all-boys-think-shes-spy.html  (Who knows what other historic treasures you might find there?  (To say nothing of historic treasure trails.  (No, really…say NOTHING!))

Happy Birthday, meanwhile, to Stan, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.

Also, Happy Birthday to David, who turns twenty-four today in Chicago, and to David, who turns twenty-four today (fo’ REALZ!) in Greater Bostonia.

And last but not Lee Strasberg, Happy Birthday to OurAmericanCousin, Diane, who turns twenty-four today in Sunny Florida. (Which is geographically distinct from Funny Slorida. (Which was what they were originally going to call Maude’s maid on Maude, till they realized it wasn’t the least bit funny.))

And Happy Belated Birthday to Kathleen, who turned twenty-four yesterday, but managed to escape Our radar until We had already e-pisstled.

Speaking of radar, you have heard, of course, of “gaydar”, which is the ability to detect gay people.  Well, the other day, We heard a related new term:  “craydar”: the ability to detect crazy people.

  Use it three times in a sentence and it’s yours.

And now, in lieu of a lengthy screed on the devolution of etiquette on the WorldWideInterWebNetz, lettuce just say to some people who SHOULD know who they are: Um, you’re WELCOME.

In other news, We find Ourselves (not that We were looking for Us, but it’s a figger of speech) in the sign of Gemini, Our video for which is above …and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends: http://youtu.be/Yj7enrUk6js ))).

 

Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is Our previous Gemini video, which is the first Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video We ever made.  Just look how far We’ve come! (Ooops…did that get in your eye?):

And here’s the HorrorScope:

Celebrity-birthday-wise, the Olsen twins were, of course, born today.  If you had (subjunctively) seen LOOKING FOR URANUS (Our comeback tour), you would at least know that they were Geminis.

More obscurely, and thus, more importantly, at least to (what passes for) Our mind, Our celebrity birthday website wants Us to know that it is Rose Cleveland’s birthday as well.  It labels her (erroneously, as it happens) as a “Political Wife”.  Because We are An Inquiring Mind Who Wants To Know (no, really…who wants to know?), however, We Googled her on Wikipedia…it turns out, she was actually Grover Cleveland’s younger sister, who served as his First Lady until he got married.  (Apparently, even back then, women shied away from marrying 300-pound men named “Grover”…who knew?)

Rose later moved to Italy with her life-long lesbian lover.

What the hell anybody did for information before Wikipedia, We haven’t got any idea.

You are thinking big today (Was that a fat joke?)

— and others may not fully understand you. (Oh, please.  If the fuckers can’t even understand that, when somebody tries to do you a favor, you’re supposed to say “thank you”, how will they ever understand something as complexicated as We?)

That’s not your problem, (Also, “not Our circus, not Our monkeys”.)

so don’t worry too much about how long it may take for them to catch up with your ideas.  (They have no idea what Our ideas are. Ideally.)

Instead of pretending they don’t exist, you should foster your opportunistic tendencies without any guilt today. (We will already be whoring for tips this evening…how much more opportunistic would you like Us to be? (Or not to be.  (That is the question.)))

If you are smart enough to see an opportunity when it comes your way, why shouldn’t you jump right on it? (Because We might break its neck?)

Wise people make the most of the circumstances they are in. (Of course, they also give frankincense and myrrh as birthday gifts, so what the fuck do they know?)

If you’re hearing negative input about the way you choose to move forward in life, these comments are probably caused by jealousy.  (Or by the fact that some idiot thought it was acceptable for other people to talk.)

Ignore them and carry on your wise way.  (Sorry…what did you say?)

(Heh…see what We did there?)

 Romantic matters are multi-layered for now, and just like peeling an onion, you might find yourself tearing up a bit. (If that sentence were (subjunctively) any less literate, it would be in Pig Latvian.)

Reach out to a friend and remember that the peeling is necessary for making something delicious! (Insert “peeing” joke here.)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

In time, mais oui, we may.

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for TwistieTie, August 16, 2011.    Really, weather?  REALLY?  Three days in a row now?  The only way this could be worse is if We were (subjunctively) spending the week at the beach.  Or Dinah Shore, as We say here in Fluffya.  Although, yesterday’s beachfront-property-of-Our-dreams notwithstanding, all of Our beaches these days are woefully subjunctive.  (It occurs to Us that the preceding sentence would probably sound better in Frawnch.  Simply because most things do.  Actually, if translated into Frawnch, that sentence might become the screenplay for an entire Frawnch fillum.  Kiss Us quick, We’re Gerard Depardieu.)

Not one, but TWO of Our Gentle Readers took exception to certain remarks We made yesterday concerning presidential candidate and rabid hellspawn Mrs. My Husband Took It Up The Ass In The Fire Island Pines And All I Got Was This Twelve-Inch Corndog.  Specifically, they objected to Our assertion that she was from “The Left Side Of Hell”.  “Wouldn’t,” they each said, virtually verbatim, “she actually be from the RIGHT side of Hell?”

Well, to put it simply, no.

We understand your confusion, which stems from the political interpretation of the words “left” and “right”.  To quote a Stephen Sondheim lyric about a fascist society, “The opposite of left is right, the opposite of right is wrong. So anyone who’s left is wrong, right?”

It’s Hell, people.  There IS no “right side”.

(Parenthetically (hence the parentheses), even if Hell were (subjunctively) divided into Left and Right along political lines, the harpy in question would STILL be on the left side, because that would be more Hellish for HER (as well as for all the other people on the left side), and the point of Hell would seem to be always to be MORE Hellish rather than LESS Hellish.)

That said, there is no politics in Hell.

Wait; hear Us out.  Politicians who are sent to Hell (i.e. all of ‘em) are expressly forbidden to speechify or otherwise participate in any political process.  And those non-politicians who, here on Earth, perpetuate endless tiresome political conversations (“Now if Adlai Stevenson had won the election…Zzzzzz…”) are forbidden to talk about anything but the weather.  (It being Hell, they remain equally annoying, because all they ever say is “Hot enough for ya?”) For those of Us who loathe politics and political discussions, there are televisions which broadcast nothing but presidential debates between the aforementioned Adlai Stevenson and Millard Fillmore, interspersed with mudslinging commercials alternately for and against Grover Cleveland.

But Election Day never comes.

So do you have your tickets to The Wedding Consultant yet? A vote for Iris Holcombe is a vote for Us continuing to pay Our mortgage.  http://ticketing.theatrealliance.org/sites/livearts/details.aspx?id=19622

Speaking of whoring, here’s a seldom-seen video of Millard Fillmore in drag:

And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for: the lost Adlai Stevenson/Grover Cleveland sex tapes.  Or, the HorrorScope:

You can’t make heads or tails of what that colleague or kid is trying to tell you, but it’s not your fault. (No doubt that damn Timmy has fallen down the well again.)

They really are being unclear, (They are, after all, a collie.)

 but that doesn’t mean they can fix things any time soon.  (Ah, but WE could fix THEM.  (Heh.  See what We did there?))

Your emotions are all right under the surface today, and it won’t take much to get you feeling stressed out.  (True dat, boo.  One more day of rain, and We’re headed for the belltower with an Uzi.)

An innocent comment could trigger a bad reaction.  (Once We’re in the belltower, nobody’s innocent.)

 You’ll have to watch for frustration to rear its ugly head (How nice for Frustration, to have a choice of heads.)

(That was virtually Shakespearean, that last bit, wunnit?)

— there are certain things that are just beyond your control, (The top of Our pantyhose being one.)

and that’s that. (Also, Jack Sprat could eat no fat, and his wife was Steve McQueen.  (Hey, you have YOUR nursery rhymes, We’ll have Ours.))

 If you can’t change something, it’s a waste of time to try. (Your first clause is superfluous.  Also, the first cut is the deepest.)

 Instead, use all that energy to think up ways to work around the things or the people that you don’t like.  (Why? What was wrong with Our Uzi plan?)

 Karma is a tricky thing. (It’s virtually a chameleon.)

While you may believe that doing good deeds helps your invisible good vs. bad tally sheet, (To say nothing of Our tallywhacker.)

the reality is that the best gesture is one made for selfless reasons. (We gotcher “gesture” right HERE.)

Kindness isn’t a game. (It’s all fun and games till somebody with an Uzi puts out your eye.)

 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

Leavin’ on that midnight train to Georgia

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Monday, February 21, 2011.  Happy belated birthday to Katie, who attempted to turn twenty-four over the weekend, when no one was looking.  And Happy Presidents Day to the residents of the USA.  (That’s a little song I just made up there…We are just awash with creativity this morning.  (Well, something’s making Our knickers damp, at any rate.  (We are, as you will have noticed, growing more and more fond of Himself’s “Royal We” usage; in fact, We appear to have adopted it lock, stock, and cracker barrel for Our Very Own Personal use.  (We have no idea what “lock, stock, and cracker barrel” actually means, but We assume (thereby making an ass out of you and Uma Thurman) that it is one of YouYanks’ quaint colloquial sayings. (And god bless Us every one for pulling “colloquial” out of Our cunningly linguistic ass at this hour of the morning. (Meanwhile, dear Micro$oft Weird™, how is it that you imagine “Uma” to be misspelled, but “Thurman” not to be? (Is this in some way related to the episode of American history entitled “Thurman’s march through George Orwell”, or have I got the wrong George on my mind?  (Please note that We take no responsibility whatsoever for any brain damage resulting from reading (or, indeed, nakedly skimming) this paragraph…We are simply attempting to rack up the largest number of parentheticals ever in an introductory paragraph to an Erix Daily Horoscope.  Of course having done so, We have no earthly idea how many parentheses We require to put an end to said paragraph, so here are a bunch of ‘em:)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Today’s horoscope is dedicated to any of Our Faithful Readers who have been required to go to their jawbs on this holiday.  Truly, We weep for you.  (Yet another possible reason why Our knickers may be damp. (Oh, dear.  Now you’re picturing Us crying into Our knickers, aren’t you?  Well, at least you think We’re flexible…perhaps We’ll score a pity date.))

Of course, We are well aware that you’ve mainly dropped by to hear all about Our weekend, so that you can feel better by comparison.  Well, besides slaving and toiling at rehearsal for the WaitStaff show (which is this coming Sunday…get your tickets NOW:   http://tickets.worldcafelive.com/eventperformances.asp?evt=1616 ), we watched The Social Network, which is every bit as good as They say it is.  We had been hard-pressed to imagine how they were going to make a subject as dull as the creation of SitOnMyFaceBook at all dramatical, but they certainly did, aided and abetted by the lovely and talented Mister Jesse Eisenberg and whoever it was who played those hottie twins.  Mister Justin Timberlake also turned in a fine performance, although We must say…We have discussed (well, actually, Himself has discussed) Mister Timberlake previously in these pages (which see:  http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2010/03/im-bringing-sexy-back.html ), and Our issue with him in this particular fillum was even more pronounced.  To wit, the boi is as GAAAAAYYYY as a three-dollar goose in drag as Charles Nelson Reilly getting fu(ked up the ass with Liberace’s pink aluminum Christmas tree while the cast of Glee sings “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” on a Disney princess float in San Francisco’s Gay Pride Parade.  Seriously.  Not knowing the personal stories of any of the real-life characters from the fillum, We actually thought that Mister Timberlake’s character was hitting on Mister Eisenberg’s character, in addition to trying to do business with him. Imagine Our confusion a few scenes later, when Mister Timberlake’s character appeared at a party with about six babe-a-licious babes of the decidedly female variety draped over each arm.  Did anyone else have this problem, or was it just Us?  (That was not a rhetorical question…if you saw the fillum, please weigh in on Justin Timberlake’s gayness (relative to the position of Uranus).

This looks like a good place for a horoscope:

Now is a great time to get started on anything new. (Also, it is a great time to get started on anything nude.  But then, when isn’t?)

You may want to form a business partnership, (ZZZzzzzzz…..)

 if that’s your thing, (Has anyone actually said “That’s” (or “that’s not”) “my thing” since 1979?  And, if so, did they manage not to pronounce it as “thang”?)

or maybe just launch an initiative to clean out that garage once and for all!  (Oh, see…here at Casa de CrackWhore, We are a step ahead of you, Kelli.  Our garage is every bit as Immaculate as Our Contraption.  And, if you don’t believe Us, We defy you to find it and prove otherwise.  (Find Our Immaculate Garage, that is.  Not Our Immaculate Contraption.  Although Our Contraption is relatively Immaculate, if you can excuse a few cobwebs and dustbunnies.))

You’re good with a crowd.  (Well, of course.  Really, what’s the difference?  An orgy is just a whole bunch of one-night-stands all at the same time.)

You know how to tell jokes, (Didja hear the one about the Polish lesbian?  She liked men.)

shake hands (If ya shake ‘em more than twice, you’re playin’ with ‘em.)

and remember names. (Grover Cleveland.  Jose Feliciano.  Shirley Chisolm.)

(You only WISH you knew how Our brain cells related to one another.)

Today you’ll very likely be doing all three. (Here’s hoping that, by “doing all three”, she’s not referring to Grover Cleveland, Jose Feliciano, and Shirley Chisolm.  (And no, We had not looked ahead when We typed those three names the first time.))

 Even if it feels harder than it looks, (That’s what she said.  (“She” being most emphatically NOT Shirley Chisolm.))

 it’s good to put yourself out there. (Honey, if We get any further Out There, they’re gonna have to send a space probe for Us.  (We’re just gonna put a placeholder here for an “anal space probe” joke.  We’ll come back when We think of it.))

 Don’t overstrain yourself, though. (No worries there.)

Just go out there and trust your natural abilities. (Well, THERE’S a guarantee that whatever it is will end up all fu(ked up, eh?)

You might be surprised (SURPRISE!)

at how much easier it can be when you don’t really make an effort. (No, we are pretty much aware that not making an effort is relatively easy.  No surprise there.)

Some things, you know, are like that!  (Well, doesn’t THAT just clear everything right up?  Especially with the extra added attraction of a gratuitous interrobang.  Asshat.)

Get your body moving and meet some new people — is it yoga? Stamp collecting? Midnight bowling? (Firstly, the only one of those that seems to involve Our body actually moving is yoga.  Sexually, “stamp collecting”?  Serioulsy?  And Thurman, We are hoping that “midnight bowling” is a euphemism.  Also, that We don’t have to rent midnight bowling shoes that have been previously worn by other midnight bowlers.)

*****************************************************************************

The WaitStaff will, at long last, be making its debut at Philadelphia’s premiere comedy club, Helium, with an 8PM show on Wednesday, March 16^th.  So come on out and get your pre-Saint Patrick’s Day drink on, as the WaitStaff presents an evening with The Real Housewives of South Philly.   (For those of you who saw the Fringe show, which was ENTITLED The Real Housewives of South Philly, please note that this is an ENTIRELY NEW and DIFFERENT show.  The WaitStaff just finds “Real Housewives of South Philly” to be a good marketing hook for people who haven’t seen them before.)

You can get your tickets for Helium here: https://www.seatengine.com/venue/helium-comedy-club/event/382

Check out the SitOnMyFaceBook event here: http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=166594253388281

Meanwhile, as those who read these pages religiously (ahem) are already aware, the WaitStaff will be presenting an evening of Smokin’ Hot Comedy to beat the winter blues on Sunday, February 27, at 7PM at World Café Live!  Our very special guests will be Dave Terruso of Animosity Pierre and Jaylene Dulap of Jaylene and the Judge.  The doors will open at 6PM, so you can come and have dinner and/or cocktails before the show (you can also have dinner and/or cocktails during the show, as long as you promise not to hurl any of it at the stage).

Get your tickets for World Café Live here: http://tickets.worldcafelive.com/eventperformances.asp?evt=1616

Visit the Virtual WaitStaff on the WorldWideInterWebNetz here: http://www.thewaitstaff.com or on SitOnMyFaceBook: http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=198525196831422

Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.