Ebony and ivory

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for WinesDay, June 19, 2013.  Happy Birthday to Rob, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.  And Happy Hump Day to the rest of YouPeople, who are, no doubt, blithely humping on without Us.

Speaking of humping, We were noodling about on an InterWebNetzian dating site, as one does (did that sound dirty?  Why did that sound dirty?  Was it the noodling?  (Why is it that “noodle” has an associated verb, but “macaroni” does not?  (“Spaghetti”?  “Fettucini”?  The possibilities are limitless…))), when We came upon…

(We can’t even seriously pretend that We just ACCIDENTALLY said “when We came upon”, so We’re not even gonna try.)

Starting over…

Speaking of humping, We were noodling about on an InterWebNetzian dating site, when We received a personal message.  For those of you who don’t while away the hours conferrin’ with the flowers in such places, personal messages invariably come from “str8” gentlemen in non-urban locales  who wish to spend a few moments engaging in “philosophical conversation”.

Ahem.

Imagine Our surprise when We actually DID have a lovely philosophical conversation, with an equally lovely gentleman. (Before anybody gets all excited, he lives in Louisiana.  Sigh.)

But enough about that.  Speaking of lovely gentlemen, We are also having one of same for dinner.  (Well, not FOR dinner.  We’re not going to EAT the poor bastard. ( Unless he asks nicely.))  So We shall have to move this along, as We shall have to go to market to market to buy a fat pig. (How We Our Own Self Personally shall be distinguished from said purchase, We haven’t got any idea.)

In still other news, you will notice the appearance above of Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: GEMINI 2013 video. We expect you will do your usual bang-up job of sharing it with all of your friends using this link: http://youtu.be/Yj7enrUk6js , because you care about Us like that.

For those who enjoy history, here is Our Gemini 2011 video, which was Our very first one:

And now the HorrorScopes:

Happy Moe Howard’s birthday.  Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.  (It would seem to Us that, if you were born on Moe Howard’s birthday, you should be incapable of taking yourself seriously.  Right, Paula Abdul?)

You’ve got a lot going on today (Well, We would if We were (subjunctively) in Louisiana.)

— even if things feel extra-slow.  (Much like Uncle Joe. At the Junction.  Petticoat.  Junction.)

(Oh, shut up.  We’re old.)

(But seriously…petticoats?!?)

 There’s plenty of drama just under the surface, and you almost certainly have to do some detective work to figure it all out.  (Kiss Us quick, We’re Hercule Poirot.)

(Micro$oft Weird™ just marked both “Hercule” and “Poirot” as misspelled.  Which is of no consequence whatsoever to Us, except for reminding Us that We had intended to remark upon Micro$oft Weird™’s non-recognition of “nyuk” earlier, but had forgotten to.  Now, of course, We do not remember what We had intended to say, but rest assured, it was HIGH-larious.)

It should be quite easy for you to make decisions today (Wrong!)

— even the ones that are usually real head-scratchers for you.  (To say nothing of the ones that are real butt-munchers.  (No, really…say NOTHING.))

(Munch, munch, munch.)

(Sorry.)

Your emotions are running black and white, (Which is not NEARLY as crazy as when they run Hispanic.)

(Tonight on CBS: The Amazing Racist.)

which helps to simplify things quite a bit. (Which is good.  Because We are simple people.)

You’ll see the right way and wrong way without much trouble. (What about the Milky Way?  Will We see the Milky Way?)

The only problem could be with struggling friends. (The only problem there is choosing a stream shallow enough that you can clearly see the face of the person whose head you are holding underwater.)

(What?)

You won’t be able to see the nuances of what they’re going through (Nuances, schmuances.)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

and might not have any patience for their dilemmas. (Wow.  Somebody’s been using her Word-A-Day™ calendar. Not.)

 They won’t get good advice from you.  (Or you.  Bitch.)

It’s amazing (AMAZING!)

how the same romantic problems keep popping up, (At parties?)

only wearing a different change of clothes. (If they’re wearing clothes at all, that’s a problem.)

 Now that you’ve seen the pattern, (Houndstooth!  Paisley!  Plaid!)

(Which reminds Us, an observation from Our recent trip to the Central Youessiveay…apparently, there, “plaid” is a color.)

you can start to do something about it before too long. (How long is too long before having oolong?   (That’s just like “I before E except after C”, except no one ever actually SAYS “How long is too long before having oolong?”  (You’re welcome.)))

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Let’s Have A KiKi

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for FriedDay, June 22, 2012.  Happy birthday to Chris, who turns twenty-four today.  Also, happy birthday to Mark, who also turns twenty-four today.  And Happy Gay Pride to Our NewYorkianese friends.

Oh, my dears!  Things are looking up here at Casa de KiKiForCocoaPuffs™! Several things are about to fall into place for Us…naturally, We can’t tell you about any of them, lest We jinx them, but suffice it to say, FiFi d’Orsay, that, if We play Our cards just right, We may become an overnight success just about the time We’re ready to retire.

To distract you from that mystery, Miss Marple, here’s this Soap Opera Name Generator.  http://www.hlntv.com/interactive/2012/06/12/whats-your-soap-opera-name  When We put in Himself’s name, We get “Austin Pertucci”.  When We put in Our Own Personal name, We get “Harlow Hall”.  Just for shitz and gigglez, We tried Iris Holcombe (“Krystal Grecko”) and Jesus Christ (“Gabriel Hart”).  Obviously, We are easily amused.  Just as obviously, We want you to input your own personal name and send Us your results.  Because We are starved for attention and live entertainment.

Some piece of spam wants to know if We need Our roof replaced…is that a euphemism with which We are unfamiliar?

In still other news, The Match Game : playing it We shall be on Friday, July 13 and Saturday, July 14, at 7:30, at L’Etage.  The SitOnMyFaceBook event is here:  http://www.facebook.com/events/234467316672300/ and tickets can be gotten here:  http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/255809 .  Be there, or be BLANK.)

But The Big Story On Action News….this has been quite the week for celebrity birthdays.  Despite starting off with WhoTheFuckIsBlakeShelton, We then had Paula Abdul, Nicole Kidman, and His Royal Heinie, Prnce William.  But that was all just a warm-up for today.  It is completely unclear why it isn’t a national holiday…how dare any workplace be doing business-as-usual on Meryl Fucking Streep’s birthday?!?!?

(Micro$oft Weird™ would like Us to know that, while “Meryl” and “Fucking” are words, “Streep’s” is not.  Seriously, Micro$oft Weird™?  On her BIRTHDAY?)

Here’s the HorrorScope:

Your intuitive powers are kind of hit or miss (We had a feeling that was the case.)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

(Meanwhile, We just chanced to glance back a few paragraphs…since when is “heinie” not a word?)

— but on a day like today, you should find them working quite well!  (Well, don’t act so surprised about it!)

It’s almost spooky (Also, kreepy and kooky, and altogether ooky.)

(We had initially misremembered that as “krazy and kooky”, but We did the research and corrected Ourself, because that’s the kind of klassy professional operation this is.  Bitches.)

how they seem to keep you one step ahead of the competition.   (Wait…there’s competition?  Dear god in heaven, it’s not SWIMSUIT competition, is it?)

Women will play prominent roles in your day. (Yippee.  Once again, We are desperate and dateless.)

Mothers, aunts and friendly female neighbors will interact with you in a very powerful and interesting way. (At some point, We must tell all y’all about Our friendly female neighbor.  She’s about a hundred, and rides a scooter.  She thinks she knows Us from somewhere.  Did We mention that it sucks to be Us?)

These women have a lot of good insight for you, so listen when they offer their advice.   (Don’t encourage them!)

They’re not trying to tell you how to live your life (They’re trying to tell Us how THEY think We should live Our life.)

— they’re just trying to help you think of something you might not have considered before. (Consider yourself part of the furniture.  (Please, Sir, I’d like some Mormons.  (But only if they look like Wes Ramsey or Steve Sandvoss.)))

(We’ll take obscure cinema references for $500, Alex.)

 Resist your urge to just nod and smile at what they are saying.  (Insert image of Us nodding and smiling here.)

Give the feminine mystique extra credence today.  (Our feminist merit badge is about to be taken away…We were firmly convinced that The Feminine Mystique had been written by Germaine Greer, when in reality  (which is, parenthetically, vastly overrated (reality, that is, not The Feminine Mystique)) it was written by Betty Friedan.)

Your energy levels might be all over the place if you don’t take better care of yourself.  (To say nothing of Our litter-hairy references. (No, really…say NOTHING.))

Get plenty of sleep, eat healthy foods, lay off the java, and learn to relax. (Well, aren’t YOU just the pushy, demanding bitch?)

Those closest to you will appreciate your willingness to even out.  (What does that even MEAN?)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

There was a time when I was in a hurry as you are

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Wednesday (We have typed exactly one word, and We’re parentheticalizing already (Everything prior to “Wednesday” was left there from the day before (Just another fascinating behind-the-scenes glimpse at the inner workings of Erix Daily horoscope (“Glimpse” is a peculiar word, no? (And apparently, the longer you stare at it, the peculiarer it gets. (At any rate, this plethora of parentheses was brought on by the word “Wednesday”, which, in contemplating as We typed it, We suddenly discovered is an anagram for “SwedenDay”, which, while not an actual word, actually should be, as it sounds like a lot more fun than “Wednesday”.  Especially when One combines it with the concept of Hump Day, and imagines the participation of the Swedish Olympic Men’s Swim Team.))))))

So Happy Hump A Swede Day.

It further occurs to Us that, given Our cunning linguistic skills, We ought perhaps to pursue a career encrypting documents for the CIA.  Kiss Us quick, We’re Alan Turing.  (Didn’t see THAT coming, didja?)

In other news, some people have sex dreams; We?  Have date dreams.  Yes, indeed…We went on a date, We rode bicycles (riding a bicycle is, apparently, like riding a bicycle…you don’t forget), We got rained on, then We lost each other in a parking garage.

Well, We didn’t say We had GOOD date dreams.  And, for you perverts who are wondering, neither “rode bicycles” nor “got rained on” is a euphemism.  Sometimes a parking garage is just a parking garage.

And sometimes it’s a BLANK.  Ah, the suBtlest segue that ever segued suBtly with suBtle segueing suBtlety.  The Match Game : playing it We shall be on Friday, July 13 and Saturday, July 14, at 7:30, at L’Etage.  The SitOnMyFaceBook event is here:  http://www.facebook.com/events/234467316672300/ and tickets can be gotten here:  http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/255809 .  Be there, or be at odds with the known universe.)

We have no idea what that meant.  We’re still recovering from Paula Abdul’s birthday party. (You thought We’d forgotten that We’re a serial now, didn’t’cha?  Honey, Bunches Of Oats™.)

Our Astute Readers (both of whom are very nice (hey, how many people do YOU know who can read a stute?)) will not have been distracted by that barrage of badinage from the fact that We never said who Our dream date was with.  And We are here to tell you that We are not here to tell you.

Here’s the HorrorScope:

Oh, good lord.  We’ve not even recovered from Paula Abdul’s birthday, and now We’ve got to celebrate Nicole Kidman’s?  Tom Cruise’s elevator shoes!  (Remind Us to come back and turn that into a joke.)

You can rack up quite a few points today (But pointing out racks would be rude.)

— and otherwise find yourself busier than usual. (Also bustier.)

(Apparently, we have embarked upon a titty motif.  You’re welcome, str8 bois.)

(Micro$oft Weird™ seems to think that “titty” is not a word.  Tough titty said the kitty, but the milk’s still good.)

Your productivity should impress anyone who’s watching, (Wait…We thought you were just reading this…you can SEE Us?!?  That’s not good.)

though it might not be the most fun you’ve ever had.  (Neither was losing Our date in a parking garage.  Although Paula Abdul’s birthday party was a pretty good time.  Till the cops came.)

There are two families in your life (The Montagues and the Capulets?  The Hatfields and the McCoys?  The Addams Family and the Munsters?)

— the one that contains the people you’re related to, and the one that includes the friends you choose to have in your life.  (Our way was more interesting.)

It’s time to get these two groups intermingled — plan a dinner party or an informal cocktail get-together so that everyone you love can be in the same room at the same time. (Two questions:  can the Swedish Olympic Men’s Swim Team be there?  And do edible Speedos™ count as hors d’oeuvres?)

(Apparently, We have abandoned the titty motif in favor of banana hammocks.  Oh, well; what did Our str8 boi readers ever do for Us?)

There will be no huge personality clashes (You’re no fun.)

— as a matter of fact, some interesting new relationships might be born.  (“Interesting” is such an interesting word, isn’t it?)

The energy’s mellow, (Thank you, Olivia Newton-John.)

while you may be far from it. (We have never been mellow.  Nor have We ever tried to find a comfort from inside Us.)

Do something that helps you chill out (It’s gonna be ninety-eight degrees today…We think We’ll chill IN.)

— get some exercise, watch a movie with a friend, do some knitting. (“Knitting”?  Seriously?)

Focusing on your love life won’t expedite it right now.  (Not that We have much of a love life, but, if We did, We’re pretty sure that “expedite” would not be the verb We’d choose to go with it.)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.