Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for FriedEgg, October
TwennyFourst, 2014.
Happy Birthday to John, who turns twenty-four
today We-know-not-where, which pretty much guarantees We won’t get any cake.
In other news, despite Our e-ntreaties in
yesterday’s e-pissode (which see: http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2014/10/because-im-tacky.html
), no one has come (heh) forth to Show Us The Penis. (In the interests of full
disclosure, We should point out that We have seen the aforementioned John’s
penis, but that was a number of years ago.)
Because We don’t in the least trust YouPeople
to click on the “yesterday’s e-pissode” link, here are the e-ntreaties in
question:
In other news, only one person will have any
idea why We’re saying this, but We trust it will amuse the rest of you
anyway. To paraphrase Cuba Gooding Jr.
(the strangest people have Best
Supporting Actron Oscars™, no? (Paging Marisa Tomei, Marisa Tomei to the white
courtesy phone please…)) in Jerry Maguire
(how odd is it that We’ve referenced that movie twice in as many days?
(Here’s a repeat of yesterday’s Jonathan Lipnicki picture, in case you missed
it:
)
“Show Us the penis!” (We’ve gotten so
enmeshed in parentheticals in this paragraph that it may sound as though We are
saying, “Show us the penis!” TO Jonathan Lipnicki. We aren’t.
(Although (parenthetically (hence the parentheses)), if you’re reading
this, Jonathan, We would certainly have no OBJECTION to seeing your penis,
should you be inclined to show it to Us.)
As if that weren’t (subjunctively) all funny
enough, even though none of you (save one) has any clue what We’re talking
about, it also reminds Us of a joke.
Cuba Gooding Jr., Marisa Tomei, and Jonathan
Lipnicki walk into a bar…
The comedy in here is so fine, so nuanced, so
layered…it’s like an onion. Or a layer
cake. Or an onion layer cake.
Meanwhile, We have leapt feet first,
nipples-to-the-wind and tits akimbo, Jonathan Lipnicki’s penis (ooops) into
Scorpio, and Our Scorpio video is above. Here is the link with which you may
share it with both of your friends: http://youtu.be/I-sVEr84fyk?list=UUtq4ffsQ_xGu4T5NSA2HfaQ
****************************************
And
heeeeerrrre’s the HorrorScope:
In celebrity
birthday news, both YA Tittle and BD Wong were born today. If they married each other, their last name
would be Tittle-Wong. Or Wong-Tittle.
Also born today,
in keeping with Our “Show Us The Penis” theme, Tim Pocock. Although, from the looks of things, there’s
precious little “Po’” about it.
And now, because reasons, here, in lieu of call-and-response with the
AssHatted Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist) Kelli, is a reading from Madame
Olivia. (We love ANY reading that
contains a suggestion to “Think Uranus”.):
Greetings Starzina
~
Welcome back.
Madame Olivia is happy to see you again.
Madame Olivia has
a splendid insight into handling anxiety or worry. Worry is usually about a
future event. True, one can worry about an ongoing problem, but it is
forecasting doom that causes the worry. The trick is to focus on action that
can be taken now. If there is no action that you can take (and want to take),
for example to help a loved one with a problem, then worry is
counter-productive. It really can make things worse as it pulls you into the
system of dysfunction. So if you find yourself worrying about something
obsessively, back out; stay calm; do what you can; and eschew worry.
Well, dear Aries,
Madame Olivia can see that you are venturing into some new territory these
days, which is perfectly consistent with the planetary movement: think Uranus.
Despite your much-vaunted esprit, you too are sometimes assailed by doubts. Go
ahead and entertain them: some choices loom in the near future which merit
close inspection. Just because people are expecting you to leap in doesn't mean
either that you must or that it's a good idea right now. Let your head rule
your heart in the coming days.
Madame Olivia
senses that the color yellow is going to be important for you
Godspeed and good
wishes from Madame Olivia until next time.
Namaste, MotherFuckers.
In gaseousness,
Starzina Starfish-Browne
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think
of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say
(and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical)
ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our
Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better
by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
