If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for ToozDee, September 4, 2012.  Happy Back-To-Werq to everyone who is going Back To Werq, and Happy Back-To-Skewl to everyone who is going back To Skewl.  The way Our morning is going so far, We are contemplating going Back To Bedddddddd.  Firstly, We were completely unable to find the file of yesterday’s e-pissode, We are guessing because it was created from a download of Friday’s e-pissode which got saved to a temporary file which promptly lived up to its name.  Then We posted a few pixtures to SitOnOurFaceBook, and promptly removed the posting events from Our timeline, only to discover that the whole world was aware of them anyway.  Next, we shall no doubt wind up with Our IUD in the VCR, or We shall mix up Our Midol™ and Our speed and have Our period six times in one day.

That last bit was a joke.  We don’t have periods any more.

Now that We are being forced to jump back and forth between yesterday’s actual online e-pissode and today’s, a lot of this is going to become self-referential and shorthandy. (Is it just Us, or does Self-Referential and Shorthandy sound like a really shady law firm?)

Firstly, We speculated on whether many or most of you would be reading yesterday’s e-pissode today, when, presumably, it had aged like fine wine.  (Good year…ten o’clock.)  Which led Us to question your reading habits, but unfortunately led no one to answer.  Also, you can lead a whore to culture, but you can’t make her think.

Seconal, there was, of course, this:

The Big Story On Action News is, of course, that We have been named “Groovy Reader of the Month” over at Marc Harshbarger’s Deep Dish groovy gay pop culture blog.  Which will surprise no one who knows Us, as we are nothing if not groovy, nothing if not gay, We pop out at parties, and We have more culture than Cleopatra’s pussy. Why, however, they chose to use this picture of HimSelf instead of Us is a mystery:

  As payback, here is a picture of HimSelf that they did NOT use :

Here is the link to the article in question:http://marcharshbarger.blogspot.com/2012/09/groovy-reader-of-month-eric-singel.html

Thirstily, We may have just alluded to the upcoming WaitStaff Fringe show:

Also, of course, this coming Friday is the opening of the Philadelphia Fringe Festival, and, coincidentally, the opening of the WaitStaff’s The Real Housewives of South Philly Play The Match Game! , for which you will obtain your tickets here: http://livearts-fringe.ticketleap.com/real-housewives-of-south-philly-play-match-game/#view=calendar

As a courtesy, We shall refrain from repeating the whole tiresome story about The Real Housewives of South Philly Play Hearts.  You’re welcome.

This random bit got stuck here because We are working from an e-pissode written over a week ago:

In other news, there is a brand spanking (oooooohhh!!!) new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video, which is above for your viewing pleasure. And here is the link with which you may share it with your friends: http://youtu.be/wdOHgajc7hY

Here is last year’s Virgo, just in case you prefer a bit of naked angel with your morning horoscope:

In the interest of Brand New Content, here are some random tweets from the Twatter-verse:

Threesomes are so awkward when you're the only one conscious.

I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.

I bet when they discovered the radish everyone was like "Let's name it Rad!" and one guy was all "Let's dial that back a bit."

A woman just rammed a shopping cart into a window and yelled at a store employee because it wasn't a door.  I hired her to be my life coach.

Depressed?  Keep your chin up.  'Cause when it's down, it looks like there's two of them, which is gross.

If you have a parrot and you don't teach it to say "Help, they've turned me into a parrot", you are wasting everybody's time.

They were called Jumpolines till your mom got on one.

You think you're the straightest man in the world & then "Stayin' Alive" comes pulsating thru the speakers at free skate.

If you love a balloon, set it free.  If it comes back to you, it probably wasn't a balloon.

Here’s the HorrorScope:

Well, all of Our ideas about you reading yesterday’s and/or today’s e-pissode on your first day back at work are clearly out the window, as clearly you all have the day off for Beyoncé’s birfday. 

(In order to get the little thingie over the “e” in “Beyoncé”, We type “café”, in which Micro$oft Weird™ puts it automatically and copy and paste it.  (Except, of course, for that time, where We just copy-and-pasted “Beyoncé”.)  Because We’re technologically evolved like that.))

Your desire for novelty has made life a lot more interesting for you, (Actually, we’ve decided to start slowly, so as not to overwhelm Ourself.  So We’ll be starting with novellaty.)

(Of course, the question on everyone’s mind is, how on earth could We be overwhelmed when We haven’t been whelmed in the first place.)

so see if you can get yourself out there blazing trails. (Or blazing entrails.  Which, while it sounds similar, is really a whole ‘nother ball of wax.)

(Why “ball of wax”, We should like to know?  It will come as no surprise to anyone that We promptly Googled same on Wikipedia.  Here is what We found: http://www.worldwidewords.org/qa/qa-who5.htm  . You’re welcome.)

 It’s easier than you think, (As are We.  (Didn’t We just say that yesterday?  Or at any rate, one day recently?  Well, guess what?  We’ve said it again.))

and others are sure to follow along.  (A long what?)

 When everyone around you is rushing around today, you won’t be able to resist the urge to rush around with them, which means that you’re going to have a day full of lively activity.  (Is it just Us, or does that sound completely pointless?)

Make sure you have a good breakfast — and a good attitude!  (Well, one out of two ain’t a Meat Loaf song.)

The morning might start off slowly, but once things get set into place and agendas get finalized, you can expect a lot of energy to be swirling all around you.  (Again, pointless.)

Jump right into the middle of it, even if you’re not sure what your role will be.  (And again…)

Your excitement over every new possibility in your life is contagious. (Much like flesh-eating bacteria.)

(Meanwhile, since they can bioengineer everything else, why can’t they make FAT-eating bacteria?  We’d sign up for some of those.  Hell, We’d buy fucking yogurt from fucking Jamie Lee Curtis if it had fat-eating bacteria in it.)

The more you allow yourself to believe, the more the universe can deliver. (Oh, great.  More of that viZZZualization crap.  Shaddup, Kelli.)

 The craziest ideas show the most promise. (Then we must already be a winner.)

 

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

So sit on a happy face.

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Monday, September 3th, 2012.  Happy Labor Day to all of Our Gentle Readers who are in labor.  PUSH!  (Unfortunately, We already used up Our Happy Gabor Day joke over at the WaitStaff’s SitOnOurFaceBook page.)  We realize that the WorldWideInterWebNetz are practically closed today (We went to a porn site earlier, and some guy was masturbating as a tumbleweed rolled by.  (Either that, or We were looking in a mirror.  One of those.)), but We have so much to Cher with you, We just couldn’t contain Ourself.  So perhaps you shall read this first thing tomorrow morning upon your return to your Place Of Enjoyment.

Is that how it works?  We have no idea how and when YouPeople read these things.  (Well, other than you naked skimmers.  We can SEE you.  And it is truly disgusting the way you wet your thumb when you want to turn the page…)  So please feel free to tell Us about your Erix Daily Horoscope reading habits in the comments section below…

(Micro$oft Weird™ wants Us to change “wet your thumb” in the preceding to “get your thumb”.  Take the day off, Micro$oft Weird™; apparently, you need it worse than the rest of Us.)

Thank you all for bearing with Us during last week’s retrospective.  We, of course, were Taking The Waters At Lourdes.  (Alternatively, We were relaxing poolside at The Sainted Mother’s, but We wanted you to attempt to conjure the mental image of Us Taking The Waters At Lourdes.  Whatever the fuck “Taking The Waters At Lourdes” even means.  We have no idea, but We’re fairly certain that if We were (subjunctively) Taking The Waters At Lourdes, whoever is in charge there would be Having The Vapors At Lourdes.  Just sayin’.)

The Big Story On Action News is, of course, that We have been named “Groovy Reader of the Month” over at Marc Harshbarger’s Deep Dish groovy gay pop culture blog.  Which will surprise no one who knows Us, as we are nothing if not groovy, nothing if not gay, We pop out at parties, and We have more culture than Cleopatra’s pussy. Why, however, they chose to use a picture of HimSelf instead of Us is a mystery.  As payback, you will see a picture of HimSelf that they did NOT use as today’s Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Jus Tin Bie Ber’s Anus.

Here is the link to the article in question: http://marcharshbarger.blogspot.com/2012/09/groovy-reader-of-month-eric-singel.html

Also, of course, this coming Friday is the opening of the Philadelphia Fringe Festival, and, coincidentally, the opening of the WaitStaff’s The Real Housewives of South Philly Play The Match Game! , for which you will obtain your tickets here:  http://livearts-fringe.ticketleap.com/real-housewives-of-south-philly-play-match-game/#view=calendar

It will no doubt amuse at least some of you to know that We recently had a dream about this show, in which the game We were playing had changed from The Match Game  to Hearts.  You know, the card game.  So We were rehearsing, all sitting in the Match Game positions, playing cards, while We attempted to explain that, if one of the Real Housewives got the chance to Shoot The Moon (which, if you play Hearts, you know is not dirty AT ALL, no matter WHAT it sounds like), We should throw the game and let them, as it would be more dramatic that way.

Yeah.  So.  When you order your Fringe tickets, do not accidentally order tickets to  The Real Housewives of South Philly Play Hearts.

Also, apropos of absolutely nothing, if you find ways to let Us know that you think We are less equal than you are, We are going to have A Problem.

Here, in case you missed it during last week’s retrospective, is this: http://make-everything-ok.com/

And here is the horoscope:

(It is Charlie Sheen’s birthday.  We are going to assume that a whole bunch of jokes just told themselves.)

You need to open yourself up (OOOOOOOHHHHH!!!!)

to new experiences and new people. (Is that Johnny Depp in your pocket, or are you just happy to see Us?)

It’s easier than you may think (Much like Us Our Own Self.)

— and you should find that your amazing personal energy (Jigga WUT?)

helps you to make a great impression!  (Didja ever see Frank Gorshin do Rich Little?  Now THAT was a great impression.)

(Oh, get your mind out of the gutter…it’s crowding out Ours.)

Your ambition has a lot of control over you, right now, but it could be forcing you to take on more than you can really handle. (Hey, you’re the one who told Us to open up…)

Be mindful of how full your plate is (Wait…there’s food?)

— there is no point (Indeed.)

in taking on any more projects if you don’t have the energy that you need to deal with them. (Hey, SHE said it, not Us.)

You’ll only get frustrated (“Get”?)

and build up a reputation for being flaky or unreliable — and that is not who you really are.  (Indeed not.  Which reminds Us of an anecdote We wanted to Cher.  When We returned (from Lourdes), We had a piece of snail mail from OurShaunAcrossThePond (hi, Shaun!), with a pixture of a muscular young man’s naked posterior and some words of wisdom about anorectal health from an AIDS organization in the UK.  Emblazoned across the perky posterior were the words “Anal Mucus”.  Which, as We pointed out to OurShaunAcrossThePond in a subsequent email, was Our nickname in high school.  Now THAT is who We are.)

Let some stuff pass on by today.  (But NOT Anal Mucus.)

Someone needs the experiences more than you do.  (Someone needs Depends™.)

It’s time to direct your abundant energy into the most constructive and creative channel you can find.  (We are guessing that would NOT be the DuMont channel)

(SHADDUP!)

Maybe that means focusing on dating and mating — or maybe another topic entirely is more intriguing to you. (Based on The Silence Of The InterNetzLambz and the crickets We can hear chirping from here, We are guessing it ends in “-bating”.)

 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

To a daydream believer and a homecoming queen

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Mandate May Force Teens To Undetail Elf.

(Here’s a helpful hint:  if you are wondering, at this juncture, what the hell is an undetailed elf, you may just want to stop reading now.)

(Here’s a second helpful hint:  writing essays in longhand to answer questions on an advanced college literature final on the subject of Cleopatra in the afterlife makes for a really long and boring dream. (Ask Us how We know…We dare ya.))

And how are We feeling this morning?  Thank you so much for asking.  Our bout with allergies has almost abated, leaving behind (heh…she said “behind”) a chest full of phlegm which We are keeping in the space where Our heart should be.

Is it just Us, or does A Chestful of Phlegm sound like the title of a Victorian romance novel?  (But NOT a Gregorian chant.  Because it would be really difficult to chant “phlegm”.  Even for monks.  Hell, even for The Monkees.)  Of course, for A Chestful of Phlegm actually to be published, “chestful” would have to become a word, and “phlegm” would have to mean something else entirely.  Also, One would probably be wise to find a way to work in the word “nosegay”.

We were about to further expound on that theme by saying something about “penny dreadfuls”,   but We just chanced to glance at the weather, and all of Our ambition just flung itself over the parapet.

If this all seems a little disjointed this morning, We should point out that, in between paragraphs, We are doing a load of laundry and mixing in a bit of housecleaning.  Also, based on a quick re-read of what We’ve written so far, while it may be disjointed, We’re pretty sure the last thing We need is a joint.

It seems to Us that there were so many things this weekend about which We ejaculated (heh), “We must remember to put that in Monday’s Horoscope!” (Please note:  when using the verb “ejaculated”, a subsequent exclamation point is practically obligatory.)  Of course, ask Us if We can remember a single one of those things now…

Meanwhile, how many of you have “Daydream Believer” stuck in your heads now?  Too bad, so sad, anal sex with your dad.

On another subject, since We’ve absolved you of the need to send Us a joint, won’t you please go and watch Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: Taurus video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KlqQw4TppqY ? And then share it with your friends who are having Taurus birthdays? 

And here, because its brilliance cannot be overstated, is Our new motto:  Uranus is Our Rosebud.

And now, the HorrorScope:

 Avoid anything that seems like it might take work or energy — you have precious little of either!  (NOW you tell Us…after We’ve already loaded the washer and hauled out the vacuum cleaner.)

(Our health MUST be improving…both “loaded the washer” AND “hauled out the vacuum cleaner” just struck Us as really dirty euphemisms.   Look out, sketch comedy class!)

You just need to recharge those batteries and take a pass on anything that might deplete them further.  (That sentence improves markedly if you replace “pass” with “piss”.)

If you think that you can only meet up with that certain someone in your dreams, think again.  (Did We not Already mention?  Essay test…literature…Cleopatra in the afterlife…YAWN!)

(We initially neglected to space between “Cleopatra” and “in”, thus creating the new Egyptian tourist attraction, the Cleopatrain.  Insert asp joke here.)

The only thing stopping you from having a rewarding conversation with them is you — or rather, your fears. (You mean Our fear of asps?  Our aspphobia, if you will?  (Or even if you won’t what makes you think We care what YOU think?))

(We feel an asp riff coming on.)

This person is more willing to connect with you than you might realize, so why are you doubting your social skills? (Asp not what your country can do for you…)

The stars are sending you a bit of an ego boost early in the day (Lego Our ego.  Also , kiss Our asp.)

— use it to make the first move (Pawn to Queen’s bishop’s asp.)

(We have no idea what that even means.)

(So is the entrance to an asp’s lair its asp hole?)

and get a conversation going that you may never forget.  (Much like this one?  AspHat.)

Mutual pastimes may spark a romantic encounter. (Mutual asptimes, on the other hand, may prove fatal.)

So if someone you’re crushed out on (“Crushed out on”? Is Kelli writing for Tiger Beat now?)

 shares a common interest, suggest a group effort. (Two’s company, three’s a crowd, but a group effort is an orgy.)

Work on a project as a team, (Asp a team, aspartame, asp a team, asparta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta….)

(Heh.  She said “ta-tas”.)

(She also said “asp”.)

(Bringing Us, naturally, to that famous song from A Chorus Line, “Ta-tas and Asp”.)

and you could accomplish more than just the task at hand.  (Well, you know what They say:  “An asp in the hand is worth two in the bush”.  (Didja ever notice how They always say, “You know what They say”, but They never say, “You know what They mean”?  Mainly because you never do.   Know what They mean, that is.))

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.