The head bone’s connected to the neck bone

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! For WinesDay, May 29st, 2013.  Happy Birthday to Michael, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.  Happy Birthday also to Gregory, who also turns twenty-four today, also (to the best of Our knowledge) in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.  Gregory is the cousin of Our second-cousin-in-law, which means, as near as We can tell, that he is no relation to Us whatsoever.

(If you have difficulty telling your inlaws from your outlaws, and deciding which of your relatives should be removed, here is a handy dandy little chart you may find useful:  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Table_of_Consanguinity_showing_degrees_of_relationship.png  You’re welcome.)

 We are fairly certain that, in Our account of Our weekend in yesterday’s e-pissode, We neglected to mention that We had purchased a Christmas gift.  Don’t hate Us because We’re beautiful; hate Us because half of Our Christmas shopping is done.

In other other news, you will notice the appearance above of Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: GEMINI 2013 video. We expect you will do your usual bang-up job of sharing it with all of your friends using this link: http://youtu.be/Yj7enrUk6js , because you care about Us like that.

For those who enjoy history, here is Our Gemini 2011 video, which was Our very first one:

Also, get your tickets NOW for the WaitStaff’s upcoming Spring Into Summer Match Game, this Friday and Saturday, May 31 and June 1, at 7:30 at L’Etage.  More info here:  https://www.facebook.com/events/422346354528494/  We are foregoing Our murder mystery paycheck for this, so (A.)  come see it now because (2.) that won’t be happening again anytime soon.

And now the HorrorScopes:

How odd that We were just speaking of Mrs. Garrett, Blair, Tootie, and that lot yesterday, and today is Lisa Whelchel’s birthday.  It is also John F. Kennedy’s birthday, a fact which is newsworthy because We just heard that Rob Lowe will be playing him in a fillum.  We, of course, have not yet even seen Mr. Lowe’s appearance in the Liberace biopic yet, as YouPeople never invite Us anywhere, and We do not have HBO.  Which means, also, that We have missed the most recent cinematic update on Matt Damon’s ass. How We continue to live on the planet is a mystery to Us.

You have to be the brains of the organization today (Fine, as long as We get to have a long (heh) chat with whoever is being the penis of the organization today.)

— even if that role makes you somewhat uncomfortable.  (Are you kidding?  Being the brains of the organization?  Child’s play!  Try being the uvula of the organization.  Or, even worse, the frenulum of the organization.  Now THAT’S acting. (Although Matt Damon’s ass could probably do it.))

You can at least help people get organized so you can collectively tackle the big issues you face.  (Wait…We’re already being the brains of the organization…somebody else is gonna have to be the face.  (Anatomy is complexicated…is one person gonna play both balls of the organization, or will that be two people?  And will the scrotum of the organization be somebody different entirely?)

(We are so confused.)

You cannot be the leader all the time, (A mere two sentences ago, you told Us We had to be the brains of the organization.  Make up your asshatted mind, you asshatic asshat.)

and it is important for you to learn how to step back and hand control over (Oh, lord, the hands of the organization…one people?  Two people?  Separate people for the fingers?  The palms?  ‘Tis a slippery slope, this.)

to someone else when the situation requires it. (Not to mention when the situation COMEDY requires it.  (No, seriously…don’t mention it.))

Today, make sure that you know when to toss in your ideas and when to bite your tongue (STOP NAMING BODY PARTS!  Jeebus!)

— there are delicate yet powerful egos involved, (Leggo Our ego.)

and you wouldn’t want to tick any one of them off!  (We might wanna PISS ‘em off, though, and We will, as soon as We figger out which one of YouPeople is the penis of the organization.)

(We just mistyped “penis” as “pensi”.  Micro$oft Weird™ naturally marked it as misspelled, but did not offer “penis” as a suggested correction.  That, to Us, pretty much sums up everything that’s wrong with Micro$oft Weird™. (Like your scrotum, there it is in a nutshell.))

Don’t get hung up on titles (Get hung up, instead, on titties…one people or two?   A different people (or two different peoples) for the nipples?)

— it could be holding you back.  (STOP THAT!)

Though you are totally individual, (Also indefatigably indivisible.  (As well as magically delicious.))

(What was the question?)

you’ve got a crazy knack for tracking down like-minded folks right now. (Like-minded folks being, of course, different from as-minded folks, but not necessarily different from ass-minded folks.  (Especially Matt Damon’s ass-minded folks.  (See how We brought that all full-circle?  (We are A Highly-Trained Professional…do not attempt this at home.))))

The sparks fly (As the Spanx™ fly off?)

as powerful personalities come together and create all kinds of new trouble.  (Or that.)

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

When they begin the beguine

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  SunDay FunDay, March 17, 2013.  Happy Saint Patrick’s Day to all of Our drunk readers.

Oh, Our dears!  We are so enormously behind!  (No, seriously…if you could see Our behind right now, you would see that it is enormous.  If We had (subjunctively) two nickels to rub together, We would hire Ourself a large gentleman with a wheelbarrow to cart Our enormous behind about (and attend to other duties as required). (For Our Gentle Readers who enjoy cunning linguistics, it occurs to Us that, in the sentence “We are so enormously behind”, “behind” sounds as though it might be the past tense of something.  That would, of course, require a definition of the verb “to behine”.  (It further occurs to Us that, elsewhere in this paragraph, “duties” might actually want to be “doodies”, thereby adding the further excitement (as if such a thing were (subjunctively) necessary) of a poop joke. (Meanwhile, is anyone else concerned that “behine” looks as though it should rhyme with “beguine”?  Just Us?  Alrighty, then.))))

So, to catch up (catsup? ketchup?) on birthdays that We have missed, Happy Belated Birthday to Bethany, and Brian, and Stephen, each of whom turned twenty-four on Friday.  (Stephen is actually two different Stephens, but since they are both PH-Stephens who had birthdays on Friday, We only need to list them once.  (Although it now occurs to Us that one of the Stephens turned something less than twenty-four on his birthday, so We shall note that separately, because We are hep to the jive and know Young People.))  Happy Belated Birthday also to Ann, and Charlie, and Matt, each of whom turned twenty-four on Saturday, and none of whom is (to the best of Our knowledge) two separate people.  And, last but not Lee Strasberg, Happy Birthday to Amelia, Doug, and Matt, each of whom turns twenty-four today.

The reason We are so enormously behind (behined?) is that We have been having morning rehearsals, which We shall also be having several days this week.  Thus making Our behind exponentially enormous.  Here is the SitOnOurFaceBook event where you can find out all about the show We’re directing, (which opens this very Thursday) Uncharted Waters (and its companion piece, Superwoman), and say you’re coming:

http://www.facebook.com/events/617567798260241/  

And, because it occurs to Us that there are some non-SitOnOurFaceBook users amongst Our Gentle Readers, here is a link to the actual theatre company where the same information can be obtained:

http://diversionproductions.moonfruit.com/

When they behinn the behine, 
It brings back The Sound Of Music with Plummer, 
It brings back a night of tropical hummers, 
It brings back Barbra singing “Evergreen”!

Kiss Us quick, We’re Cole Porter!

Speaking of behinning behinds, why don’t’cha all oil up Uranus and share Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video for Pisces with your friends:    http://youtu.be/KMNgwWwNux8 .

This just in: Our future ex-husband, Prince Harry, says he will consider going gay if his current (heterosexual) relationship doesn’t work out.  Who do We know who’s a hitman?

And now, in case you thought things couldn’t get worse, here is Kelli’s HorrorScope:

Speaking of Princes (or maybe just people We’d like to see in tights), today is also Rob Lowe’s birthday.  So there’s that.

You need to keep your communications short today (NOW she tells Us.)

— it’s just way too easy for you to get wrapped up in your message and find yourself going on and on.  (Hey, We avoided the poop joke earlier.)

Things should settle down soon, though.  (“Settle” is a peculiar word, innit?  No, seriously…look at it:  settle.  Settle settle settle settle settle settle.  See?)

Be careful about how you approach any kind of tense situation today, unless you want to get involved in arguments!   (We aren’t going to get involved in any arguments.  Also, you’re wrong, Kelli.)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

Your urge to step in and help someone is admirable, but unwise. (We are the very model of a modern Major Admiral.)

(We have no idea where that came from.)

It is best to let other people handle their dramas, (Obama’s mama and the Dalai Lama.)

(Don’t’cha hate it when white people try to rap?)

even if you are somewhat involved.  (Somewhere on the WorldWideInterWebNetz, there must be a list of phrases that cannot be rapped.  We trust that, if it is not already there, someone is now adding “somewhat involved” to that list.)

Unless you started the fight, you can’t get involved in ending it. (We are fairly confident that that is completely untrue.  One might, for example, ask a grade school teacher.)

Surrounding yourself with peace and quiet is a much healthier and pleasant goal for this day.  (At the very least, it is certainly pleasanter than surrounding Oneself with peas and carrots.)

So if the fur starts flying, head for greener pastures.  (If the fur starts flying, can the pearls be far behind?)

(What?)

(Oh, yeah…We said “behind’ again.  Sorry.)

 A mix-up to your routine, combined with hot, flirty energy adds up to serious romantic potential today.  (What a sentence!  So many words, so little sense.)

You should find tons of new activities and people deserving of exploration   (Many activities AND people deserve exploration.  And yet, so few are worthy of spelunking.)

— so get out there!  (Wait…you want We should be more Out There than We already are?  Wow.  Also, yowza.)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Let’s do it like they do on the Discovery Channel

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Friday’s Eve, November 29, 2012.  Friday’s Eve is, of course, not unlike Summer’s Eve™, except for the douche part.  (We have no idea what that means, but it enabled Us to say “douche” in the very first paragraph, thereby ensuring that this will be a first-class e-pissode.)

So how weird is it that Thanksgiving was a week ago, yet it is still November? This is because Thanksgiving this year was on the earliest date that it can be, thereby giving everyone an entire extra week to prepare for HannuChristmaKwaanzica.  We Our Own Self Personally have been busy like a busy busy beaver bee trying to sort out Our social calendar for December, so if you think you need to be on there somewhere, speak now or forever hold your penis.

“Douche” in the first paragraph, “penis” in the second…this e-pissode just gets betterer and betterer.  Also, meta-er and meta-er.

Speaking of the holidays, we were doing some online shopping yesterday, when a glitch in the process necessitated Our contacting customer service via chat.  The rep with whom We chatted subsequently sent Us an email, in which his last name was spelled differently than it was in the chat room.  We are guessing that the recipient of this particular Christmas gift is, as they say, Shit Out Of Luck.

Meanwhile, We continue to get a crazy quantity of daily hits on here, many of which are legitimate, but many more of which are in search of that  e-pissode with the “fat man” picture.  Some of them actually search for it as “really fat man”.  One can only imagine who these people are.  One can completely NOT imagine the people searching for “people who talk trash in Douglas GA” or “cartoon pictures of egestion”.  (We are not making this shit up…Our Google-O-Meter™ tells Us these things.)

This just in from Helen Keller on Twitter:

 

Helen Keller ‏@Helen_KelIer

Just finished reading a roll of Bounty paper towel. Looking for a new book, suggestions?

Helen Keller ‏@Helen_KelIer

I bet my parents never even sang me happy birthday... assholes.

Helen Keller ‏@Helen_KelIer

Becoming a school bus driver, YOLO.

You cannot possibly have missed the fact that We have a brand spanking (heh) new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope  video, which you can see above.  It is somewhat of a departure for Us, and the reviews so far have all been raves, many people referring to it as Our “best video ever”.  Please do give it a whirl and see what all the fuss is about.

Also, if each of you who is reading this right now used the following link to share said video with a friend:

http://youtu.be/6f1m5GLfk1Y   …two more whole people would have seen it by the end of the day!

Alternatively, if each of you who is nakedly skimming this right now shared it, Starzina would rule the known universe.  (After you do that, please sext Us a picture of yourself counting to twenty-one.  KThxBye.)

(Apropos of nothing and completely randomly, here is last year’s Sagittarius video for your comparing pleasure:

)

We just had occasion to peruse an old e-pisstle, in which We invented the drag name Meretricious Calumny.  How it is that We are not famous yet, We’ll never know.

And here’s the HorrorScope:

It is Andrew McCarthy’s birthday.  He was Our favorite Brat Pack member.  While the rest of all y’all were crushing on Rob Lowe and Judd Nelson, We were all about Andrew McCarthy and Timothy Hutton. ‘Cause We’re weird like that.

Your social energy is fun and flirty (Also foreign and farty.  In keeping with the Frawnch theme in here this week.  Farting Foie Gras…A Love Story.)

(The more We talk, the less We have any goddamn idea what We’re talking about.  It’s kind of miraculous, actually.)

— and you may surprise (SURPRISE!!!)

someone who thought they had you pegged!  (You are using this word, “pegged”…We do not think it means what you think it means.)

Now is a great time to hang out with your crush or a new romantic partner.  (Lovely.  Who’s got Andrew McCarthy’s phone number?)

If your finances are getting a bit tight, your creativity can come to the rescue!  (Watch Us do Our “loaves and fishes” trick with these two nickels!)

Instead of falling back to your old, expensive ideas for how to socialize, why not get a little crafty? (Watch Us tat a doily!)

Skip the pricey dinner out and instead host a themed potluck dinner for all your friends. (Watch Us entertain frequently, yet be infrequently entertained!)

Pick a type of cuisine, (Ethiopian.)

 a type of food (Haggis.)

or even a certain color (Puce.)

for everyone to create a dish around. (Hey, We said foreign and farty.)

 It will definitely be a change of pace (Puce.)

for everyone, and they’ll all appreciate a cheaper way to hang out.  (Haggis.)

 Watch out for the romantic roadblock ahead! (Ethiopian!)

(Is it just Us, or did this all of a sudden turn into a really weird version of The Cell-Block Tango?)

(The musical theatre queens are all hysterical right now.  The str8 bois are all scratching their heads.  (Count to twenty-one.  Sext Us a picture.))

It’s there for a good reason — perhaps a steep drop (Or a deep strop.  Or Deepak Chopra.)

(We have no idea.)

or some other danger lies ahead. (Is it stranger danger?  Can you show Us on the blow-up doll where Andrew McCarthy touched you?)

Try a detour!  (A tour or DE tour?  Make up your mind!)

 

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.