A mark, a yen, a buck, or a pound

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  GoodPieRupeeTuesday, July 30^rd , 2013.

In a typical display of bad timing, We have only this morning discovered that yesterday was National Don’t Be A Dick Day.  Our InterNetz inform Us that this auspicious event was somehow tied in to the fact that yesterday was also Wil Wheaton’s birthday.  Celebrity historians will recall that, when Al Gore invented the InterNetz, Wil Wheaton was set to be the reigning celebrity spokesmodel of same.  That position was, of course, subsequently usurped by George Takei.  Which must have been daunting for Wil Wheaton, to be replaced by a ninety-year-old gay guy, but that is the sort of thing one must come to expect when one cannot even spell “Will” properly.

Do not let the preceding barrel of blathering badinage fool you…We actually DO have a subject today.  On the way to same, We have already titillated (heh…We said “tit”) Our word maven readers by using “auspicious”, “usurped”, and “badinage”.  Not to mention “titillated”  (heh…We said “tit” again).  We Our Own Self Personally, however, are much more concerned that Micro$oft Weird™ doesn’t recognize “spokesmodel” as a word.  The hell?

But onward and upward and Burt Ward to Our Subject At Hand.  As you know (unless you are a naked skimmer (and, if you ARE a naked skimmer, you should know that We can see you through Our InterNetz, and your birthday suit needs pressing)), yesterday was a banner day here at Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!, as it always is when We release a new video.   (Said video is, of course, above.  And here is the link with which you are already busily sharing it with all of your friends.  As you do.  http://youtu.be/6kCzNp1JtDo )  And We promised you an even more exciting announcement today.

Well, here it is.

We have alluded previously to Our upcoming Fringe Festival show, Looking for Uranus: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour, tickets for which are (parenthetically (despite the absence (unitl now) of parentheses)) now on sale at http://fringearts.ticketleap.com/looking-for-uranus-starzina-starfish-brownes-comeback-tour/#view=calendar

But now, through the magic of the InterNetz, We are offering YOU the opportunity to help Us produce said show!  Yes, ladies and genitals, boys and gerbils, We have, as of this very morning, launched a KickStarter crowdfunding project to help Us defray the initial outlay expenses.  Won’t you please go and check it out, and give what you can?  Here is the link: http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/635878991/looking-for-uranus-starzina-starfish-brownes-comeb

(Our hard-core fans will want to know that Our brilliant director has concocted an amazing video for the project, which cannot be seen anywhere BUT on KickStarter.)

And here is the HorrorScope:

It is Arnold Schwarzenegger’s birthday today.  Which means that We are now out of consonants, and dear lord Jeebus, have you seen the HAWTNESS that is his son Patrick?

In the interests of hurrying this e-pissode into your hot little hands (oooooh!), We are foregoing the Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulations) of AssHatKelli in favor of a reading from Madame Olivia:

Greetings Eric ~

How nice to be with you again.

And now, little Aries, Madame Olivia brings you good news from the stars above. The oft-noted movement of Neptune into Pisces augurs extremely well for you, especially as you find yourself in situations where you feel constrained. You might feel like busting loose but Madame Olivia counsels something simpler for you: be still and let yourself be open to a different way of doing things. This conscious openness will invite wonderful new thinking.

Virtue of the hour: acceptance

It's been wonderful being with you again. All the best to you from Madame Olivia.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Shake your new maracas and you’re fine

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Wednesday, January 12, 2011.  Surely you didn’t imagine that I would desert you on this oh-so-special combo of Snow Day and Hump Day?  If we all play our cards properly, perhaps we can make it Hump The Snow Day (or, as Himself would have it, Hump The MotherHumping Snow Day), and won’t we make some very peculiar angels then?

Himself is actually out shoveling (WHY does “shoveling” only have one L?  Doesn’t that look wrong to you?) the snow as we speak, ours being the last house on the block to be cleared away.  All the OTHER Real Housewives Of South Philly clearly sent their husbands out to shovel at the very crack of ass this morning.  On the plus side, we only got about six inches (all together now: “That’s what she said”) and the sun is now shining.  On the plus siZe, Himself’s assz.

(Micro$oft Weird™ wants to make “Himself’s” two words, i.e. “Him self’s”.  I say, let’s not make him any bigger than he already is.)

In case you’re finding your day a little slow-starting, here is a perky little music video to perk your unperked self right the perk up, perkers.  This is courtesy of OurMizDonna, who is, of course, perky and well-perkolated in her own right.  It is safe for work, unless you work for, ya know, Jews, or Muslims, or heathen pagan atheist Satan-worshippers.  And a-one, and a-two…

That inner tension you're feeling (Oh, I know…leave it to me to accidentally set my vibrator on “puree”.)

will easily translate into the urge to push, prod (And poop?)

and otherwise aggravate anyone (Or that.)

who dares to come within shouting distance. (If they plan on getting that close, they’d better warn me first…I haven’t bathed.)

You can handle this. (You haven’t even met me, Luv.  I think you’re just making this stuff all up.  Why don’t you get hold of an ephemeris and do some actual Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulation)?  Dizzy cow.)

Take the day off, and watch old Schwarzenegger movies. (That’s the bloke who’s King of California, innit?  So the movies would HAVE to be old, then, wouldn’t they, because he’s not making any new ones?  D’you think I’m stupid just because I’m not American?  Wanker.)

 It's best. (Tits chest, Beau Geste, Falcon Crest.  (I have no idea what just happened there,))

 Being coy just won't work. (And being koi would be downright absurd.  After all, it’s truly no day for a pond.)

Whether it's you or the object of your affection who's playing hard to get, just saying yes is the only way to go.  (That doesn’t even make any sense.)

 Angry? Cranky? Irritable? (Hey, you have YOUR Seven Dwarves, I’ll have MINE.)

Ready to just about jump out of your skin, even if you're not provoked? (There’s a Silence of the Lambs   joke in that paragraph, just begging to be let out.  Kiss me quick, I’m Jodie Foster.  (Didja hear the one about the Polish lesbian?  She liked men.))

That's not how you're feeling -- yet. (Yet, nyet, yeti, Yentl…nope, nothing funny there.  Moving on…)

But if someone should cross that thin line .... (Are they crossing that thin line with a Thin Mint™?  Because I could go for a Thin Mint™ right about now.  You?)

 You've been given too much to do in too little time (So many men, so little time.)

-- and somehow you've neglected to mention the time element to the powers that be. (We’re not speaking.)

Next time, pipe up. (That’s right, gents…hold those crack pipes high!)

 

 

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.