Janie’s got a gun

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for WinesDay, March 26^rd, 2014.

We were so afraid that We were going to have nothing to talk about in here today.  Fortunately, at the last possible second, the WorldWideInterWebNetz came to Our rescue and provided Us with this: http://www.queerty.com/man-with-three-balls-posts-nude-on-reddit-becomes-internet-sensation-overnight-20140326/

Despite the title, the link IS Safe For Work, although it leads, understandably, to NOT Safe For Work places.

Happy Birthday, meanwhile, to Jonathan, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.  It has only just occurred to Us this very minute that Jonathan, as an Aries, is in a relationship with Our Birthday Twin Katy, who is also an Aries.  This Same-Sign Relationship issue is addressed at some length in Our show, Looking for Uranus: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour, on which We have not yet given up.  No matter what the rest of the world has done.

(You did all understand that “Birthday Twin” means that Katy and We share the same birthday, didn’t you?  Because were you (subjunctively) to see Katy and Us together, you would certainly be able to tell Us apart. (And if you think Katy is grateful for that, just imagine how Jonathan feels.))

Happy Birthday also to Cheryl, who also turns twenty-four today, also right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.  Happy Birthday also too to Damian, who also too turns twenty-four today, albeit elsewhere in The State In Which We Live (Pennsylvania, that is.  Not Confusion.)

There’s just nothing like a good “albeit”, is there?  Cleanses the soul.

In other news, Happy Belated Birthday to David, and Ryan, and, last but not Lee Strasberg, to The LovelyAndTalented Ed. (We have not seen The LovelyAndTalented Ed in person for quite some time, but photographic evidence from SitOnMyFaceBook indicates that he is, in fact, still Lovely.   We are, on the other hand, assuming that he is still Talented, thereby making an ass out of Uma Thurman.  As One does.)

We have moved into the glorious sign of Aries, the harbinger of Spring (never mind all the crap they fed Us about snow yesterday. And the fact that it’s eleventy-two billion and twelve degrees below zero outside.).  Our Aries video is above, and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends:

http://youtu.be/saxvaR85vYU

Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is Our previous Aries video, featuring Our mother, Rosie Starfish, for comparison:

Also also, now that We have left Pisces, We need to randomly mention Johnny Depp, to return him to Number One Cited Celebrity status here at Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!  We wouldn’t want him to get mad.

And heereeeere’s the HorrorScope:

So it is Robert Frost’s birthday today.  (Who did you think We were gonna say?  Steven Tyler?  Leonard Nimoy?)

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I ate a piece of shoo-fly pie,
And then I sang “Pomp and Circumstance”.

You can tell Robert Frost is a great poet because you have no fucking clue what he’s talking about.

Try to blaze new ground today — your energy is best spent pioneering.  (Who the fuck are We…Laura Ingalls?)

You may need to go it alone, (Wow.  There’s a hot news flash.)

 because things are a bit too dicey for some of your stodgier friends or colleagues.  (“Stodgier”…now there’s a word you don’t see every day.  Sure, you see “stodgy”  (having lots of stodge) , and “stodgiest”  (having the most stodge, or, under certain circumstances, having ALL the stodge), but you rarely see the comparative “stodgier”.  Mainly because quantities of stodge are measured in a long-forgotten unit of measurement akin to the dram and the furlong, making it difficult to ascertain relative degrees of stodgiousity.)

(But seriously, who the fuck are We…Laura Ingalls?)

You have another day to do exactly what you know you were born to do: Mingle. (Well, you know what They say: “Have Pringles™, will mingle.” (Laura Ingalls?))

(You know, if you think of all the things They say that They say, it’s a miracle anyone still listens when They talk.)

By late this evening, you’ll be ready for at least a day off from socializing — and you’ll have it.  (We have a full day of work tomorrow’ if you can imagine such a thing.  Lord knows, We can’t.)

The stars make sure you get a nice break from the spotlight.  (Oh, please.  If We get any more of a “break from the spotlight”, We’ll be painting Helen Keller’s darkroom black.)

Even when it comes to a sign as fiery, outgoing and personable as yourself, it’s easy to see how home might be the only place you’ll really want to be now.  (Well, either home, or Johnny Depp’s underwear drawer.)

Think of it as a snuggle-fest.  (You do realize, We live alone, don’t you?)

 If you can’t figure out what to do today, turn on your computer and check your inbox. (We would just like to point out at this juncture that Ass Hatt Kelli’s horoscope is ONLINE.  So if We hadn’t (subjunctively) already turned on Our computer, We wouldn’t be reading her advice to TURN ON OUR COMPUTER.)

(Ass.  Hatt.  Wearing her Ass as a Hatt.  Since 2001.)

You may find a sweet, surprising message there — likely a new beginning or an important ending. Either way, it’s for the best. (Okay, that says that there are two best ways.  Words have MEANINGS.  Ass Hatt.)

(But seriously…Laura Ingalls?)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire

                                         

Greetings, Effort Requires Implicit Commitment---

Here is your horoscope for Thursday, October 28, 2010 (It may not have escaped your notice (although We have no evidence of that fact) that there was no installment of Erix Daily Horoscope yesterday.  That is because it was Hump Day, and We are tired of wishing YouPeople a Happy Hump Day, whereupon you merrily hump away without inviting Us.) :

(Things have been somewhat difficult of late, but they are the sorts of things that are too boring to be bothered complaining about.  Other than the descent in to the abyss of Fall (which We loathe, as it is the harbinger of Winter, which We loathe even more), in terms of The Big Things, everything in the garden is lovely (except, naturally, for the paucity of Big Things, but that, as They say, is Old News).  But the little things…the soufflé, she falls, the inanimate objects, they rebel, the people on telephones lie and do not do their jawbs.  Where, oh where is a handsome prince on a gleaming white steed to bring Us a winning PowerBall™ ticket so We can tell him to go fu(k himself?)

(We just re-read that last paragraph, and noticed that We are waxing particularly poetic this morning.  (Although it is somewhat unclear to Us what that actually means…who the h3ll wants to wax a poet?  One can, of course, imagine pounding Robert Frost, or frosting Ezra Pound, or cumming all over e.e. cummings…but wuzzup wit’ dis “wax” bidness?)

(Heh.  “cumming all over e.e. cummings”…We kill Us.)

(On the plus side (“side” not “size”.  B1tch.), things are not going as badly for Us as they are for Our chicken friends in today’s Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Cock-A-Doodle-Doo Any-Cock’ll-Do-Tip-A-Canoe-And-Steven-Tyler’s-Tool.)

 (Our-O-Scopes:)

Heaven help anyone who is under the mistaken impression that they can take you today, regardless of whether the challenge is verbal, physical or intellectual. (Okay, that?  All sounds like a LOT of work.)

If the individual has needed their comeuppance for some time, go ahead and administer it -- but gently.  (Sledgehammer?  Jackhammer?  PleaseHammerDon’tHurt’Em?)

That pounding in your chest isn't just your heart -- it's your heart enjoying a dose of good, old-fashioned and all-natural adrenaline. (Okay, Our heart needs to learn to drink tasteful cocktails like the rest of Us.  (Speaking of which, here’s this, which We have no idea what to do with, but never let it be said that We don’t strive to keep all y’all informed: http://news.discovery.com/human/do-intelligent-people-drink-more-alcohol.html)

Tackle your toughest projects now. (Oh, please.  At this point, getting dressed is a project.)

 There’s quite a sociable day on your agenda, (And a sociable disease on the verandah.)

 thanks to an affable astrological assembly, (Aff THIS, you alliterative @ssmunch.)

unanimously (Which We suddenly imagine meaning “without any animous”.)

intent on making things as easy on you as possible. (And We are nothing if not easy.  “That’s why I’m easy…I’m easy like an Easy-Bake™ oven.” (They just don’t write songs like that anymore.))

If you’ve missed out on any of the good gossip that’s been going around lately, not that you ordinarily indulge in such things, of course, here’s your chance to catch up. (To the best of Our knowledge, We know all the news that’s Freddie Prinze.)

Do keep in mind, however, there’s far more than chatting on the menu: Say, more than just a touch of intense romance, for example? (We have no response to that.  We will, however, point out that it reads much better with a Faux-Frawnch-PePe-LePew accent applied to it.  Go ahead, try it. We’ll wait.)

(See?)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes):

http://www.humorscope.com

Insert Cowgrass commercial here.)