Oooo-hooo, witchy woman, see how high she flies

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherManTitzMonday, December 17, 2012.  Happy Birthday to Charlie, who turns twenty-four today. Charlie directed Us in Arthur Miller’s Creussical: The Musical Back In The Day.  “Back In The Day” being ten years ago next year.  Next year being approximately five minutes from now.  Clearly, Charlie was a child prodigy, directing such a piece at age fourteen.    Of course, We Our Own Self Personally were only fourteen at the time, as well.  If We recall correctly, Our character had a fourteen-year-old daughter.  What a strange show that was.

Other than that little tiptoe-through-theatrical-history’s-tulips, We have precious little to report. Our activities of late seem to be mostly Christmas-related; they consist, for the most part, of Making Our List, Checking It Twice, then Stuffing It In The Credenza And Watching Television.  Christmas, it would seem, will come whether We are prepared or not, and who can get in the mood to go Christmas shopping when all it ever does is rain?

Meanwhile, on the Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopular) front, there are but a few more days left in Sagittarius, which means The Shortest Day Of The Year is almost upon Us.  (Some of Us have already experienced The Shortest Attention-Span Day Of The…oh, look!   A balloon!)  Here is the link with which you would share Our Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: Sagittarius video with your friends.  If you did that sort of thing.  Which you don’t.

http://youtu.be/6f1m5GLfk1Y

This just in from Helen Keller’s Twitter account:

Helen Keller ‏@Helen_KelIer

What's black and blue and red all over? Me at the bottom of the stairs.

Helen Keller ‏@Helen_KelIer

They should have me be the quarterback for the Eagles.

Helen Keller ‏@Helen_KelIer

I can't find anything to wear for school tomorrow.

And here’s the HorrorScope:

As far as celebrity birthdays go, it is the birthday of a whole bunch of “celebrities” of whom no one has ever heard.  And George Lindsey.  Charlie will no doubt be thrilled to learn that he shares his birthday with Goober from The Andy Griffith Show.

You are feeling the urge (The urge to merge.  It’s like “the need for speed”, only dirtier.)

to try something new — and soon!  (As soon as noon?)

(We?  Are Dr. Seuss for grownups, We are.)

Your energy is tightly wound and you may find that you need to cut loose, (Whereupon Kevin Bacon will do a little dance number.)

so try to find some new activity that can let you shake things up.  (Aaaaaand right away We give you a “shaking Kevin’s bacon” joke.)

You might have a lot of false starts today, (To say nothing of salsa farts.  (No, really….say NOTHING.))

despite the fact that you were smart enough to think ahead and plan ahead. (All this head We’re planning, and how much ya wanna bet We don’t get any?)

Your concentration just isn’t strong now, (Sorry…did you say something?)

(Every so often We like to make it so even Helen Keller can see what We did there.  Because We’re kind to the differently-abled like that.)

and it won’t be able to carry you through.  (Oh, please.  They don’t make a forklift that could “carry Us through”.  You know that old conundrum about could God make a rock so heavy that He couldn’t lift it?  Substitute Our ass for the rock, and he already has.)

But that’s okay — you won’t get frustrated (Sez you.)

by not being able to get a toehold on the day. (Why would We be wasting Our time trying to grab it by the toe?  (If he hollers, let him go.))

In fact, you’ll actually enjoy the diversions and distractions that the day brings. (Much like that balloon from earlier.  (And here, you thought We weren’t paying attention.))

So if your day doesn’t go the way you want it to, don’t sweat it. (Feel free, however, to drool it, slobber it, or queef it.)

No one cares about it, so why should you?  (How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?)

(No, really…how many?)

(Wait for it…)

(How the hell can you screw, in a light bulb?)

Your much-vaunted (Vaunted, you say?)

enthusiasm is a gift, (‘Tis a gift to be simple, ‘tis a gift to have fleas.)

but at this time you’re able to see where and when you can best conserve your romantic efforts. (“Conserve your romantic efforts”?  What the fuck is this, a fucking Victorian romance novel?   Jesus fuck!)

After all, not every date can be a keeper. (And, oddly enough, even fewer of them can be beekeepers.  Although bookkeepers are fairly common.)

You should save some time for yourself. (Considering We’ve just finished this and it’s not even 10:30 yet, We appear to have done just that.)

 (You’re Your-O-Scopes:

 

http://www.humorscope.com)

 

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

It’s a very short road from the pinch and the punch to the paunch and the pouch and the pension

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Friday, June 1th, 2012.  June Allyson is busting out all over for Depends™!  We’ve been waiting all week to say that.  Which gives you some idea of what kind of week We’ve had.  Not, of course, as bad a week as June Allyson has had, what with having been dead since 2006 and all.  Don’t you feel as though you’ve just seen a “June Allyson for Depends™” commercial recently? Do you suppose they’re still playing them, now that they don’t have to pay her residuals?  Inquiring minds want to know…

At least Elizabeth Taylor’s posthumous commercial appearances will all be for her White Diamonds™ fragrance.  “These have always brought me luck,” seems a much better legacy than “I just pissed my pants.”  But imagine that there’s a whole generation of people who will only ever know Elizabeth Taylor from those commercials and as Grandma Flintstone.  Sigh.  Old age…not for pussies.  For example, it occurred to Us recently that the students in the sketch comedy class We help MizGerreGarrett with?  All born in 1990 or later.  At least We don’t have to worry about dating any of them, as We now have a rule that We will not date anyone if there are things that have been in Our underwear drawer longer than they have been alive.

Well, that was depressing.  Let’s lighten things up a little by imagining Alex Trebek listing Jeopardy categories, one of which is “Things That Have Been In Our Underwear Drawer”.

That didn’t so much lighten things up as it did creepy them up, eh?  Moving on…in birthday news, Marilyn Monroe and Andy Griffith were both born on this date in 1926.  And, on a more contemporary note, today is Danny Zavatsky’s thirtieth birthday.  (Relax…We don’t know who he is either.  But We’re looking forward to his Depends™ commercial.)

So.  We just talked about nothing for four paragraphs.  And you just read it all. (Well, except for you naked skimmers.  (We can SEE where your other hand is, ya know.))

Speaking of nothing,  the WaitStaff will be playing The Match Game again by popular demand on Thursday, June 7 and Friday, June 8, at 7:30 at L’Etage at 6^th & Bainbridge.  Did We mention that, the first time We played, a number of people came back for more than one performance?  Well, We did now.  Reservations are strongly suggested, and can be obtained here:  http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/250950  Find more info on Our SitOnMyFaceBook event here:  http://www.facebook.com/events/429387893745900/  Be there or be square.

Here’s  the HorrorScope:

Use your social skills to get your way today (We shall use Our social DISEASE skills.  We shall pick crabs out of Our Depends™.  We shall have a crab boil at OurHouseWhereWeLive later on.  June Allyson will sing “This Was A Real Nice Clam Bake” from beyond the grave, until We finally tell her, “Shut up, you stupid cow, they’re CRABS!”)

(Talking about nothing is easy…We wonder why more people don’t do it.)

 — they can’t be denied!  (Also, for he’s a jolly good fellow, which NOBODY can deny!)

(What?)

In fact, if you try anything more intense than a wink and a smile, (How ‘bout a wink and a wiggle and a giggle on the grass, and We’ll trip the light fandango?)

(Who wants to play Name That Tune?)

(Who wants to play What The Fuck’s A Fandango, And Can We Do It While Going Commando In A Winnebago in Oswego?)

(Hint:  the second game is more fun, and has better prizes.)

you may find doors shutting and people saying ‘no.’  (Who said other people were allowed to talk?)

Let’s get it started in here!  (It’s a little known fact “let’s get this potty started” was the original slogan for Depends™, until June Allyson refused to utter it on television, saying cryptically, “This isn’t a very nice clambake.”)

Today you will be very focused on beginnings  (A very good place to fart.)

— which is perfect, (Mmm-hmm.  Because, in Our universe, “perfect” happens.)

because the stars say that this is a superb time for new projects.  (The stars will, essentially, say anything you pay them to.  “This is June Allyson for Depends™”, “These have always brought me luck”, “A fandingo ate my baby”…you name it.)

(Heh.  “Fandingo”…We kill Us.)

Entertainments and social festivities are favored over business or educational endeavors; however, you will be able to get a lot of planning and preparation done on anything you start today. (That entire sentence sounded like a lot of work.)

Enlist the help of a friend who has an address book full of amazing contacts.  (The mind fairly boggles.)

Misunderstandings happen.  (And We don’t understand that.)

Making amends is easier than you realize. (Making the Amish, on the other hand, is damn near impossible.)

Remember to regard the other person’s feelings and everything will be fine. (Wait…first somebody let them TALK, and now they have FEELINGS?!?  The hell?!?)

Be sincere in your apology. (We are sincerely sorry that you have misunderstood Our superior place in The Universe and have thus egregiously offended Us.  If you demonstrate true contrition, We may allow you to be so fortunate as to attempt to make it up to us.  You’re welcome.)

(How wuzzat?)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

So kiss me goodbye…honey, I’m gonna make it out alive

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Just Another Matlock Monday, February 27, 2012.

Andy Griffith…dead or alive?  We have no idea. (Still alive and eighty-five.  We just Googled him on Wikipedia.  Because that’s the kind of full-service information hooker We are here at Erix Daily WhoreOScope.)

Like you care.

So, it has come to this.

We should warn you, We did not watch so much as thirty seconds of the Gay SuperBowl last night, so if you came here this morning expecting pithy commentary on Angelina’s anorexia or Animatronic Billy Crystal, you are about to be sorely disappointed.

Has anyone ever actually said “pithy” and not thought “pissy with a lisp”?

“Pissy Withalisp” was, of course, the original name for Butterfly McQueen’s character in Gone With The Wind. (We didn’t want you to be TOO disappointed about the absence of movie coverage this morning.)

So, it has come to this.

We have just taken a call wherein We learned that We shall go to Lindenwold, New Jersey later this week and earn a hundred dollars.  We are just like a cheap hooker.  (Without the sex.  But then, you knew that.  We’re pretty sure that, whenever you think of Us (if you think of Us at all), it’s without the sex.)

Speaking of you, and you not thinking of Us, We should like to point out that the ever-so-mild winter that We have been having does not ameliorate (how’s that for a five-dollar word?   Give Us five dollars, dammit!) Our Seasonal Affective Disorder one iota, one whit, or one jot (you all did just sing that to the tune of “One bourbon, one scotch, and one beer”, did you not?), Seasonal Affective Disorder being associated with the absence of light as opposed to the presence of revolting winter weather.  Naturally, We are aware that We are in the home stretch of this year’s SAD, but that doesn’t help much when We it occurs to Us, as it did this weekend, that…you know what, never mind.

So, it has come to this.

Here is the link that you will persist in not using to share Our Starzina’s Time of the Month: Pisces video with your friends:  http://youtu.be/qqEjYYBFxG4 That would be the self-same link that, to the best of Our knowledge, no one has EVER used on one of their friends’ SitOnMyFaceBook pages to wish said friend a happy birthday.  We would blame that on the presence of The Bieber, except that the same is true of all of Our other TotMH videos.

Meanwhile, like a phoenix from the ashes of this cruel misuse comes this thought: what exactly would a movie script entitled Blame It On The Bieber  entail? (Our creative juices are now flowing; We hope We didn’t get any on ya.)

And now, Charlene Tilton sings “So It Has Come To This”.   Which is, of course, the sequel to the Peggy Lee classic, “Is That All There Is?”   And which, conversely, has absolutely nothing to do with “I Am Hennery The Eighth, I Am”.  (Hennery the eighth, I am, I am.  I got married to the widow next door; she’d been married seven times before.  And every one was a Hennery (Hennery!); there never was a Willy or a Sam (No Sam!) .  I’m her eighth old man, I’m Hennery.  Hennery the eighth I am, I am.  Hennery the eighth I am. (Second verse, same as the first… (Oh…is that song stuck in your head now?  Too bad, so sad, anal sex with your dad.)) Alternatively, the HorrorScope:

 

Stick to whatever you’re doing today (Johnny Depp?)

 

— it’s important that you show that you can persevere even in the face of certain failure. (If the failure is certain, wouldn’t you wanna start persevering in the other direction?  Just sayin’.)

 

Someone is watching, (No.  No, they’re not.)

 

and they need to see persistence and optimism.  (Well, then, We’re afraid they’re going to be severely disappointed. )

 

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

 

 After a few weeks of turbulence, (No need for nervousness…it’s just a little turbulence.)

 

(Thank you, Kelli, for reminding Us of the Snakes on a Plane theme song (speaking of famous fillums), truly one of Our favorite songs of the past decade.  We shall be downloading it forthwith.)

 

one of your friendships has reached a lovely cruising altitude, lately. (Is it just Us, or does that sound vaguely dirty?  Care to clue Us in as to which of Our friends We’re about to be vaguely dirty with?)

 

You two are moving into a very nice phase. (Are you looking at Our moon?  ‘Cause We’re looking at Uranus.)

 

Having conversation is easy, and you’re communicating so well together that you can almost read each other’s minds. (You are beginning to frighten Us.)

 

Celebrate this situation together with a night out on the town, or a special dinner out. (Mmmm…dinner.)

 

You can go on a date with a friend — after all, isn’t a date just a time you schedule to spend exclusively with someone you like?  (How the hell would We know?  We haven’t been on one since the Clinton administration.)

 

So, it has come to this.

 

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

I can ride my bike with no handlebars

Greetings, Elite Rho, Italic Chi---

Here is your horoscope for Sunday, February 28, 2010 (And thus endeth February; so it is written, so it shall be dumb. Also, thus spake Zarathustra, but who the h3ll listened, because what kind of a stupid name is Zarathustra?):


(In keeping with Our new tradition of Sunday publication (We are aware that “new tradition” is possibly somewhat of an oxymoron, although everything has to start somewhere. So We trust that you will allow Us to indulge Our passion for neologism (heh…he said “jizm”) and call it an olly-olly-oxen-free-moron, as long as We are careful to distinguish it from freemasons and free radicals. (If you meet someone who can parentheticalize as well as We can, you just bring ‘em right on over. We’ll leave ‘em weak, and begging for less.)), We continue with Our “Sunday Pixtures In A Religious Vein” series. While We find the text moderately clever, We believe that it in no way justifies the degree of smug emanating from what appears to be its author. We are willing to cut him some slack for the 2003-ish facial fungus, as the pixture may well have been taken in 2003. However, there is no excuse for the appalling lack of orthodontia.)


(A Red Sox cap, however, is always cute. (Fourteen Eric’s Daily Horoscope str8 boi readers just fainted dead away upon realizing that We know who the Boston Red Sox are. It is fortunate that they are unconscious, because We fear what would happen to them upon learning that We Our Own Selves Personally actually own a Boston Red Sox cap.))


(And now, from a different corner of the WorldWideInterWebNetz, where people apparently have entirely too much time on their hands (We know…riiiight?), here’s this, which is totally work safe, but, if you’re at work on Sunday, you are a godless heathen, and you are due for a good smiting:)

(Apparently, this video has no intention of ever being uploaded, as We have already waited an hour. It works just fine on Our computer, so We blame Google. Fortunately, We didn't tell you anything about it, so you don't know what you're missing.)

(On a lighter note (la!), here’s this, also work safe. Point your mouse at the blackness and click: http://www.procreo.jp/labo/flower_garden.swf )

(You’ll do anything We tell you to, won’t you?)

(Our-O-Scope…)

You'll instinctively understand what it takes to get along with others, no matter what the circumstances. (What is “an Uzi”, Alex?)

Fortunately, they'll be more than willing to extend you the same courtesy. (So, wait…today Our phone calls will be returned? We suspect We should not hold Our breath…(breaths? (The Royal We is complexicated.))

Needless to say, (Wanna bet she says it anyway?)

entertaining at your place will go extremely well. (Especially since We are all alone. And easily entertained. Perhaps We shall throw Ourselves a surprise party…We’ll get Ourselves out of the house on some pretext, then, when We come back, We’ll jump out from behind the furniture and yell “Surprise!”)

(We’d better wrap this up quickly…We’re gonna need to go buy party hats. (Sssshhhh….don’t tell Us. It’s a surprise!))

(How sad is it that, once We are finally senile (by next Tuesday, at the rate We’re going), that surprise party will actually be possible?)

Expect a pleasant, easy day -- and a chatty, exciting evening. (Too many adjectives…We don’t have a thing to wear!)

Ready to pose the question? (Yes: How much wood would a woodchuck suck if a woodchuck could suck wood? And, more to the point, what is the woodchuck’s hourly rate?)

Okay -- but they might not be ready to deliver the answer. (Hey, as long as Our Chinese food’s still hot when they bling it on they bicycre. Egg foo yung, moo goo gai pan, cream of sum yung gai.)

Much as you'll hate it, wait. (Can We hate while We wait? We’ll kill two birds with one stone that way. Unless, of course, We find bigger stones. Then there’s no telling what We might kill.)

You can restore peace between warring factions, squabbling coworkers and family members with old grudges, as long as you're willing to get involved. (But We are pretty sure We threw out all of Our old grudges when We moved. So presumably We’re going to have to get some new grudges. Sigh. Home Depot, or Loews? We can never find anything in those stupid stores.)

It's time to ask for help. (What the fu(k aisle do you people hide the d@mn grudges in?)

You're not fond of that kind of thing, (Well, you know what They say: Abscess makes the heart grow fondue.)

but you'd better get used to it. Quickly. (Was that a threat? ‘Cause We’ve got an Uzi, and big stones, and We’re not afraid to use ‘em.)

(YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com/

say it with cowgrass)