Inky dinky parlez vous

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for JustAnotherManHandler™Monday, November 26, 2012.  “How do you handle a Hungry Man?  The Man Handler™!”  Ah, The Good Olde Days, when television commercials were double entendres designed to make underaged children think about oral sex!  We’ve got yer “Man Handler™” right HERE, bee-yotch!

(Micro$oft Weird™, meanwhile, is attempting to persuade Us that “underaged” isn’t a word.  Apparently, Micro$oft Weird™ has been ordained a Catholic priest.  What ELSE isn’t a word, Father Weird™?  “Underanged”? “Underrooed™”? “UnderCoverAngelMidNightFantasy”?)

In other news, Happy Belated Birthday to Sandy, who turned twenty-four yesterday somewhere in IDon’tThinkWe’reInKansasAnyMore.  And Happy Belated Birthday to Cole who turned twenty-four in TheBigApple.

(It occurs to Us that One has not encountered many people in life named “Cole”.  One does have some sort of cousin once or twice removed with that name, but he is too underaged, underanged, and Underrooed™ to be reading this e-pisstle.  Other than that…Cole Porter?  Cole Slaw?  Cole Uncleansing?)

Schtick around for da jokes…

In UpToTheMinute Birthday Wishes, Happy Birthday to Steve, who turns twenty-four today somewhere in Our very Own vicinity.  Also, Happy Birthday to Michael, who also turns twenty-four today somewhere in Greater Bostonia.  Also also, Happy Birthday to Our fellow Britlander, Jane, who also also turns twenty-four today, but not in Britland.

Speaking of birthdays and the attendant ass(tromalogical) ho(roscopulations),  We trust it will have by now come to your attention that We have a brand spanking (heh) new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope  video, which you can see above.  It is somewhat of a departure for Us, and the reviews so far have all been raves, many people referring to it as Our “best video ever”.  Please do give it a whirl and see what all the fuss is about.

Also, here is the link with which YOU will share it with all your friends:

http://youtu.be/6f1m5GLfk1Y

In random bits of leftover news, We trimmed Our tree yesterday.  (Why does that sound dirty every time We say it?)  Also, it is Tina Turner’s birthday, as well as Rich Little’s.  Which is making Us imagine Rich Little’s Tina Turner impression.  But is NOT making Us imagine Tina Turner’s Rich Little impression.  Because that?  Would just be silly.

Here, not a moment too soon Mel Torme in a monsoon---

(What?  We have Tourette’s syndrome.  It’s just not the funny kind.  Pigfuckers.)

---is the HorrorScope:

You are much easier to get along with today, (Than what?)

 so make sure that your people are all within your sphere of influence. (Oh, sure, easy for you to say.  You KNOW how We always confuse that with Our dodecahedron of flatulence.)

(Heh.  “Dodecahedron of flatulence”.  We kill Us.)

(How could you trust anyone who tries to tell you that “heh” is not a word?)

You can actually sway them pretty easily with a small-scale charm offensive.  (We are thinking that, if your charm is offensive?  It’s not very charming.  Which, of course, makes Us think of PRINCE Charming, and from there, it’s just one short slippery slope to Prince Harry Naked.)

(Sigh.)

 If managing your finances has become tricky, (Not so much tricky as existential.  The sound of one nickel rubbing together being much like the sound of one hand clapping.)

today you are in luck. (Is it just Us, or do you think Kelli cobbled this horoscope together by opening a bunch of Chinese fortune cookies?)

(We are now wondering what made Us say “CHINESE fortune cookies”, as opposed to, say, “Lithuanian fortune cookies” or  “French foreign legion”.)

(WHAT?)

A friend has some good advice that you should listen to. (We can only imagine.)

You might not like the sound of it at first, but once they show you the impact that they have made on their money situation, you will be a true believer!   (It’s a pyramid scheme, innit?  Just as long as We don’t have to walk like an Egyptian…)

(Often, the humor in here is so suBtle, you barely know it’s there.  Much like now.)

If you want things to change, (Who’s got change for a nickel?)

you have to be willing to put in a little bit more effort. (Hey, it’s the dodecahedron of flatulence…We have to put in more effart.)

Self discipline is not always fun, (But trimming your own tree is a riot.)

(See how dirty that sounds?  And it’s totally not Our fault!)

but it is always effective, so take notes (La.)

and get ready for some changes.  (Apropos of nothing and completely randomly, here is last year’s Sagittarius video for your comparing pleasure:

)

Aren’t you agreeable today!  (No.)

(We would say, “see what We did there?”, but Helen Keller could see what We did there.  (Speaking of Helen Keller, We are following her on Twitter.  True fact.))

Helen Keller ‏@Helen_KelIer

God dammit, who put that wall there?

Helen Keller ‏@Helen_KelIer

I'm bored. I should do some reading. Or sitting here in complete darkness and silence also sounds fun.

Helen Keller ‏@Helen_KelIer

I wish staircase tumbling was an olympic event.

The people around you may be surprised (SURPRISE!!!)

by how willing you are to let someone else take the lead for once. (Take any damn element you want.)

(Wait for it…THERE ya go!)

Plus you’re extra amenable to meeting all kinds of new people, so go with the flow! (Kiss Us quick, We’re the New Christie Menstruals.)

                           

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

Why do birds suddenly appear every time you drink beer?

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Here She Comes Now Sayin’ Manet Monet, August Fifteenf, 2011. We are reproducing the Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Adolph Hitler’s Evil Siamese Twin in case you missed it on SitOnOurFaceBook, where We did not also post its companion piece, which is subtitled, “Jeebus, Marcus, watch the teeth!” (It is the editorial policy of Erix Daily Horoscope not to dignify these Spawns Of Satan by mentioning their actual names within these pages.  For example, never once since the 2008 election have We named by name that stupid twat who couldn’t even last a whole term as governor of Alaska.  Meanwhile, this festering bitch from the Left Side Of Hell complete with vagina dentata makes the aforementioned twat look like the Bobbsey Twins on a picnic.)

Micro$oft Weird™ would like Us to change the second occurrence of “twat” in the preceding paragraph to “that”.  How ‘bout We split the difference and change it to “cunt”?

Meanwhile, you are no doubt aware that “vagina dentata” is meant to be sung to the tune of “Hakuna Matata” from The Lion King.

We just had to claw Our way up out of this genital badinage to answer the door, where a UPS lesbian presented US with Our Wedding Consultant  publicity postcards.  It may interest you to know that 3000 postcards?  Weigh 27 pounds.  Or it may not.  We don’t really give a shit.

So do you have your tickets to The Wedding Consultant yet? Seriously…do NOT fuck with Us on this one; We are NOT kidding.  http://ticketing.theatrealliance.org/sites/livearts/details.aspx?id=19622

Meanwhile, “Genital Badinage” was both Our nickname and our favorite pastime in high school.

In still other news, We had a dream this weekend which involved Jeffery Self, star of Logo’s Jeffery and Cole Casserole.   Because We are a big whore, We SitOnOurFaceBook-messaged him to tell him about it.  Because We are an even bigger whore, We are sharing that message with you:

Dear Jeffery,

Ordinarily, I don't tell people about their appearances in my dreams, especially if I don't know them personally. (I'm a little gun-shy since the Johnny Depp/restraining order incident.) But I thought I would make an exception and share this story with you.

In my dream, I was visiting my friend TCBITWWW (hi, TCBITWWW!) in LA. We were sitting in his living room with the sliding glass doors that look out on the boardwalk and the beach. (In my dreams, apparently, all Californians live on beachfront property. In real life, of course, I am aware that this is not true. Some people live in West Hollywood.)

As we were chatting, you and a friend walked by outside. I waved at you, and you waved back, then kept walking past. After you had gone, I said to myself, "He's gonna come back and stop in", and lo and behold, you did.

I let you in (you left your friend outside, presumably to run for help in case we turned out to be deranged or something), introduced you to TCBITWWW, and we had a very nice conversation for several minutes before you rejoined your friend and left.

It was only after I woke up that I realized that, when I introduced you, and throughout our entire conversation, I referred to you as "Cole Escola".

No need for a restraining order; I live on the East Coast.

Have a great day!

Eric

         

Speaking of whoring, Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscope: Virgo video is getting ready to drop next weekend, and We couldn’t be more excited if Jeffery Self himself made Us a casserole and brought it by Our beachfront property.  Meanwhile, has a single one of you passed the Leo video on to your friends with Leo birthdays?  If not, why not?

And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for: “Grainy raisin muffins always get me down!” exclaimed Karen Carpenter as she crammed her fingers down her throat.  Or, the HorrorScope:

As impetuous as you are in love, life constantly bombards you with lessons of patience and timing. (To say nothing of unfortunately-timed bouts of ferocious flatulence.)

(No, really.  Say.  NOTHING.)

But one day, (One fine day?)

the fates will collide and you and your perfect match will find each other.  (And We will use that perfect match to light Our farts.)

(Can We sustain an entire Erix Daily Horoscope with noting but fart jokes?  Keep an eye on Uranus and see!)

Until then, live in the best of your fiery essence, Rams.  (Do We even need to say anything here?)

Your curiosity, (Which, of course, killed the cat.  However, being the cockeyed optimist that We are, where all you see is a dead cat, We see Chinese food!  Soy-sauce-and-five-spice farts all around!)

although it’s certainly a useful asset, (Heh.  Kelli said “ass”.)

 is something you should try to keep a handle on today. (Is that a handle on Our ass, or a handle on Uranus?  And is the handle more like a doorknob, or more like a broom handle?  (Doorknobs and Broomsticks was, of course, a little-known Walt Disney porn film about a French flatulence fetishist with a pheasant feather fixation.))

It’s not wise to go exploring in unknown territory; (Especially around Uranus.)

you need to do whatever you can to keep your day on track. (And here We are, putting all of Our efforts into keeping Our day on crack.)

Don’t do anything new — especially if it involves new people or unfamiliar social situations. (Farting in church, for example.)

Stick with the faces and places you know well today. (If your face is sticky, We know what places you’ve been putting it in.  Trollop.)

Today is definitely a day to go where everybody knows your name.  (Cheers, queers. (Beer farts.))

Help others reach their potential. (As Sally Struthers would tell you, just one annoying idiot can feed a tribe of cannibals for thirty-seven days. (Soylent-Green-is-people farts. (People, people who fart people, are the luckiest people in the world.)))

Sometimes all it takes is a sincere pep talk to motivate a person.  (And sometimes an insincere poop talk will do the trick.)

Believing in someone is more important than you might realize. (Especially if they are imaginary.)

(Ooops…that was the end.  Clearly, We should be ending with a fart joke…wet fart!  Who’s got a comb?)

 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

With a bit of a mind flip, you’re into the time slip, and nothing will ever be the same

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Friday, February 11, 2011.  Happy birthday in advance to Abraham Lincoln, who turns twenty-four over the weekend.  Or, rather, who would  be turning twenty-four, if his wife hadn’t dragged him to the theatre.  See?  Culture kills.

Speaking of Culture, I hope you all have your tickets for the Boy George and Culture Club reunion tour.  (I only bring it up because it tickles me to see “Abraham Lincoln” and “Boy George” in the labels for today’s Erix Daily Horoscope.  (Hey, I spend all my time tickling YouPeople; sometimes, I just have to tickle myself.))

Today’s Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Fabulous Nonplus DoubleDeckerBus is once again by the lovely and talented Cole Escola of LOGO’s Jeffery & Cole Casserole.  (And now today’s labels read “Abraham Lincoln, Boy George, Cole Escola”.  Oh, The Funny, it burns!)

Himself would no doubt attempt to put a stop to all of this self-amusement, if he were (subjunctively) out of bed.  Which he is not.  When last heard from, he was dreaming about filming a French film.  In France.  In French.  Which he does not speak.  I can’t WAIT to hear how THAT all works out.

Meanwhile, ever since I took over the writing wreins here at Erix Daily Horoscope, I have been virtually DELUGED with questions (thank heavens for my trusty rubbers!) as to whether Himself and I merely cohabit or actually sleep together.  Seriously, Ducks?  Have you MET Himself?  Who, Ducks?  Gay, Ducks?  Him, Ducks?  YES, Ducks!

And now, without further Ado Tattoo Maya Angelou (“Abraham Lincoln, Boy George, Cole Escola, Maya Angelou”….shit, I’ve fu(ked it up….there’s nothing funny about THAT.  (Although, once this epistle is posted, it might be funny to send Cole Escola a message telling him to Google “Abraham Lincoln, Boy George, Cole Escola”.  (Not, of course, so much “funny: ha-ha” as “funny: I never knew what a real live official restraining order actually looked like until just this minute”.))), here’s today’s O’Scope:

Do your very best to ensure clarity in your communication today. (Spizzwack kumquat mugglewumpus.)

(Heh.  See what I did there?)

That could mean anything from checking in with your people (And again I say…I have people?!?  Why, then, am I constantly cooking my own meals, cleaning my own toilet, and masturbating?  (Oooops…was that the outside voice?))

to make sure they get the gist of your email to simply staying quiet.  (The gist of your email…the angst of your gmail…the grist of your Cecil B. DeMille…nope, nothing funny there.  (Oh, damn…now “Cecil B. DeMille”’s gonna be in the labels, in between “Boy George” and “Cole Escola”, and fu(king up my earlier “Abraham Lincoln, Boy George, Cole Escola” joke. Unless, of course, I just don’t put him there.  I HAVE that power, you know.))

 Nobody ever said you were a stick-in-the-mud, and that’s because a stick-in-the-mud is just about the last term anybody would ever choose to describe you. (I dunno about all that, but seeing that phrase twice in one sentence was enough to make me curious about its origin, so I Googled it on Wikipedia.  Here is the link I found, in case you care; I am not reprinting the results here, as it’s dead boring: http://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/stick-in-the-mud.html )

You’re a go-getter, (To say nothing of a red-letter bed-wetter.  (No, really….say NOTHING.))

and today is a day to get out and go. (As opposed, presumably, to a day to go to bed and wet.)

You’re at an important turning point, (Turn left.)

and whatever you put your energies into will take on dimensions even you may never have dreamt of. (Ah, another dimension.  With voyeuristic intention.  Well-secluded, I see all.)

Likely as not, you’ll leave your competitors in the dust.  (Oh, sure.  And the next thing you know, I’ll be expected to featherdust the bastards.)

(Speaking of bastards, “featherdust” is, according to Micro$oft Weird™, not a legitimate verb.  (see what I did there?)  Obviously, Micro$oft Weird™ has never watched me clean Casa de Craphole. (Hmmm…apparently “craphole” isn’t a word, either.  Perhaps it should be hyphenated, so it doesn’t look like it should rhyme with “frijole”.))

(I am now proofreading this (because that’s how I roll) and thinking that Featherdust the Bastards may need to be the title of my memoirs.)

You need to spend some quality time with semi-annoying friends today. (Well!  Doesn’t THAT sound like fun?  When can I start?)

Though it may feel like pulling teeth, they could know some amazing people. (In a desperate effort to raise the level of discourse around here, may I simply say that I don’t give an airborne act of fornication?)

Work through the rough stuff and you should find a sweet center! (That was GOING to be my nickname in high school, but it wouldn’t fit across a T-shirt no matter how much I stuffed my bra.)

(You str8 bois are pixturing that now, aren’t you?  Cheeky monkeys.)

The WaitStaff will, at long last, be making its debut at Philadelphia’s premiere comedy club, Helium, with an 8PM show on Wednesday, March 16^th.  So come on out and get your pre-Saint Patrick’s Day drink on, as the WaitStaff presents an evening with The Real Housewives of South Philly.   (For those of you who saw the Fringe show, which was ENTITLED The Real Housewives of South Philly, please note that this is an ENTIRELY NEW and DIFFERENT show.  The WaitStaff just finds “Real Housewives of South Philly” to be a good marketing hook for people who haven’t seen them before.)

You can get your tickets for Helium here: https://www.seatengine.com/venue/helium-comedy-club/event/382

Check out the SitOnMyFaceBook event here: http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=166594253388281

Meanwhile, as those who read these pages religiously (ahem) are already aware, the WaitStaff will be presenting an evening of Smokin’ Hot Comedy to beat the winter blues on Sunday, February 27, at 7PM at World Café Live!  Our very special guests will be Dave Terruso of Animosity Pierre and Jaylene Dulap of Jaylene and the Judge.  The doors will open at 6PM, so you can come and have dinner and/or cocktails before the show (you can also have dinner and/or cocktails during the show, as long as you promise not to hurl any of it at the stage).

Get your tickets for World Café Live here: http://tickets.worldcafelive.com/eventperformances.asp?evt=1616

Visit the Virtual WaitStaff on the WorldWideInterWebNetz here: http://www.thewaitstaff.com or on SitOnMyFaceBook: http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=198525196831422

Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

I got my nuts from a hippie in a camper van on Saturday night

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Thursday, January 13, 2011.  Happy birthday to John G., who turns twenty-four today all the way over on the Left Coast in San Francisco.  Which is where Tony Bennett left his heart, and where any number of other gentlemen have done all sorts of things with various other organs.  And which is also the home of Rice-A-Roni™, the San Francisco treat. I don’t know about you, but when I finally make it out to visit San Francisco, I want a better damn treat than Rice-A-Roni™.  I’m just sayin’.  Meanwhile, did you know that Rice-A-Roni™ Fried Rice, which used to have those little slivers of almond in it?  In fact, it may even have been called Rice-A-Roni™ Fried Rice With Those Little Slivers Of Almond In It?  Doesn’t have those little slivers of almond in it any more. And they didn’t even have the decency to change the name to Rice-A-Roni™ Fried Rice WITHOUT Those Little Slivers Of Almond In It.  It’s either a cost-cutting measure, or else it’s something to do with all of these children and their nut allergies.  Where did all of these children come from all of a sudden?  When I was a child, if someone gave you nuts to eat, you ate them and you liked them.  These namby-pamby children today, you so much as SHOW them your nuts, and they spontaneously combust or something.  Jeebus.

(Two weeks writing this fu(king horoscope, and I’ve apparently turned into Andy Rooney.  Please come and kill me now.)

Speaking of fried rice (how’s THAT for a segue? (What’s a segue?  About a pound and a half.)), Himself is still fast abed, having worn his own self out completely shoveling snow yesterday.  When last heard from, he was having a dream in which he actually Went Home With A Boy.  Just like they do in the movies.  Well, some movies, anyway.  Of course, being Himself, as soon as he got into the boy’s home, he promptly started making fried rice. (From scratch, mind you, not Rice-A-Roni™ Fried Rice Without Those Little Slivers Of Almond In It. (I am NOT making this up.)) Because, obviously, he hadn’t read his “Going Home With Boys” manual in quite some time.  And, I might add, he was making said fried rice with no shirt on.  Because obviously, in addition to not having read his “Going Home With Boys” manual in quite some time, he had also been neglecting his “101 Common Kitchen Disasters And How To Avoid Them” manual as well.

Now, at this juncture, the astute readers among you, in addition to congratulating yourselves on being able to read a stute, are firmly convinced that you know exactly how this dream is about to veer into nightmare, via spattered hot oil and singed lychee nuts.  WRONG, Won Ton Breath!  There is Our Hero, slicing, dicing, and fried ricing away, nipples to the wind and tits akimbo, when the Boy He Went Home With’s apartment door opens and in walks The Boy’s mother.

Who is a Chinawoman.

And then he woke up.

***********************************************************************************

I put that row of stars there so you could rest your eyes a moment before moving to a completely new topic, now with thirty-seven percent more of Those Little Slivers Of Almond In It.  Today’s Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus No Mus No Fus Popping Pimples For The Pus Rosa Parks In The Front Of the Bus (I REALLY need a new name for those, now that I’ve taken over writing these horoscopes) comes to us from the lovely and talented Cole Escola, star of Logo’s Jeffrey and Cole Casserole.  You can see much more of his wit and wisdom here:  http://coleescola.wordpress.com/2011/01/12/doodle-113/

You need to have patience with today’s big issues (I want Those Little Slivers Of Almond back, dammit!  What kind of San Francisco Treat doesn’t have any nuts in it?))

— they don’t resolve easily, and the more you push or pout, (Or poop?)

the more they resist. (The name is Force.  Irresistible Force.  Pleased to meet you, Mister Immovable Object.)

The answer comes slowly, and through group effort.  (A group poop, you say?  How exactly does THAT work?)

(Carol Channing:  “Corn?!?  When did we have corn?”)

The universe is downright insisting that you turn your attention toward your checkbook. (Speaking of black holes…)

(Heh.  “A Chinawoman.”  Sometimes, I just tickle myself.)

And that doesn’t mean just balancing it, either. (Oh, of course not.  I’ll probably have to make it fried rice from scratch.  But I’ve got news for you…it isn’t getting any look at my tits.)

You need to go over all your finances with a fine-tooth comb. (Apparently, my finances have pubic lice.)

Once you’re done, (Stick a fork in me.)

 if you need to put your foot down about a bill, a debt or what someone owes you, go right ahead — especially if you’ve already been far too patient. (See also: Aries, Definition Of.  “Patient”?  The hell you say.)

A new P.O.V. has you seeing things in a new way. (Presumption Of Virginity?  Pantsuit Of Velour? Peruvian Orgasm Vendor?  I’m so confused…)

Are you ready for that new date or next move move? (Yes, indeedy doo.  Have wok, will travel.  My fried rice brings ALL the boys to the yard.)

Check your motives (Screw that…check your nuts.)

— if you’re making a big change, (As long as your nuts are still there, you haven’t made The Big Change yet.)

make sure it’s for the right reasons. (Which are well known to her.)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.