Sensitivity, sensitivity, I’m just loaded with that

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Friday, November 9st, 2012.  Happy birthday to Keith, who turns twenty-four today somewhere in The City That LovesYou (On Your ) Back.  Happy birthday also to his birthday suit.  And Happy Birthday In Advance Harem Pants Vivian Vance to OurMizLOretta, who turns twenty-four tomorrow.  And And Sally Rand Salivary Gland, Happy Birthday In Advance Paris France Judith Krantz to Our MizCathy, who turns twenty-four on Sunday.  Which also happens to be Veterans Day.  Which is fitting, as, around here, We are certainly all veterans at turning twenty-four.

How many of you are now pixturing Keith’s birthday suit?  And you don’t even know who he is.  Perverts.

There was in-dippity-deed a great deal of Tourettes syndrome going on in that first paragraph, was there not?  It’s a good thing none of it was fucking vulgar.

(If you dippity-don’t know what “dippity” is dippity-doing in that sentence, then you have been nakedly skimming this week, and shame on you.  (Hopefully, you’ve been dippity-doing it in your own birthday suit, and not Keith’s, because that would seem to be a whole Silence of the Lambs issue…))

(Random aside:  people are actually NAMED “Otto”?)

In other news, having quoted Once Upon A Mattress earlier in the week, We had one of Our long, involved, epic dreams last night in which We were directing that show.  Many of Our gentlemen friends were in it, and were being driven to distraction by either the musical director or the choreographer (or possibly both), who was a real bastard (or possibly two bastards). We won’t bore you with the entire tale, except to say that, if Our brain had a USB port, We could keep several cable networks in material 24/7/365.

The key thing to know, in case you happen to be having commitment papers drawn up for Us, is that, at one point, We were, for some reason, shopping for a striped shirt so We could dress up as a referee. Our search having proved fruitless, We went home to Our closet where We found a striped shirt that We had bought in a dream the night before.

(Insert Rod Serling’s penis playing the Twilight Zone theme on the zither here.)

(Ouch.)

Meanwhile, here is Our Once Upon A Mattress joke:

“We Have An Opening For A Princess”…shouldn’t that be the other way around?

(Wait for it…THERE ya go.  (Speaking of fruitless, is there anything LESS fruitless than a musical theatre joke?))

*************************************************************************************

Here is the link with which you would share Our new Time of the Month Horoscope video with your friends, if you were (subjunctively) so inclined.  Like the plane. http://youtu.be/UiJLA4MRNNg .  Enjoy!

Speaking of complete non sequiturs (as opposed, presumably, to the incomplete kind), here is last year’s Scorpio video to compare with this year’s (see above):

Here’s the HorrorScope:

It is Eric Dane’s birthday.  Apparently, We do not watch enough television. (In unrelated news, how proud of Us are you for doing whole paragraphs on Once Upon A Mattress without a single Sarah Jessica Parker joke?)

Try not to rush too hard today — things need to come and go on their own. (So, wait…if We speak sternly to the dustbunnies, will they just leave?)

(We always think it’s so cute how Micro$oft Weird™ refuses to recognize “dustbunnies” as a word. As if they DON’T spy on OurHouseWhereWeLive through this computer…)

 You should be able to deal with it all, even if you have to wait a bit in between flurries of activity. (No flurries today, Bay-Bee!  50s today, 60s tomorrow!  (Chilly today, hot tamale!  (Who said that?)))

Sometimes you have to let go.  (Other times, you have to clench.)

(What?)

If you can’t see the finish line in the near distance, don’t get frustrated — turn around!  (Don’t shoot till you see the white of their birthday suit.)

(That just came (heh) to Us.  Pretty good, no?)

There you will see it, miles behind you. (So what you’re saying is, We already crossed the finish line, but We are still running, because nobody TOLD Us We already crossed the finish line?  Way to have no friends, Us.)

You have been going at such a furious clip for so long, than you may very well have eclipsed your original goal.  (Does anyone else find the use of “clip” and “eclipsed” in that sentence odd?)

(That should be “Dippity-does anyone…”  Also, Our brilliant new saying from earlier should be “Dippity- don’t shoot till you see the white of their birthday suit.”)

(You folks who are pixturing Keith’s tanlines now really need to quit…We dippity-done TOLE you, you dippity-don’t know who he is.)

(Oh, sure, Micro$oft Weird™…now “tanlines” isn’t a word.  Have you SEEN Keith’s birthday suit?)

You could just keep going on to the next milestone, but the stars say it’s time for you take a break. (But which stars exactly?  Eric Bana?  Sarah Jessica Parker?  Vivian Vance? Judith Krantz?)

Stop this forward momentum for a while and just enjoy where you are in life — it’s a heck of a nice place!  (And it has the fluffiest dustbunnies!)

Why give into your usual mundane activities when you can inject some excitement into your life? (Just by sitting on the lap of Keith’s birthday suit.)

Reject the norm (Who is this “Norm”, and why are We rejecting him?)

and do something totally different you’ve always wanted to try. (How about success?  Or did We mention sitting on the lap of Keith’s birthday suit?)

Be adventurous in dating, loving and living.  (Unfortunately, all of Our dating is carbon-dating. And the only way We have a love-life is in the tennis sense.)

                           

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

I don't want to wait for my life to be over

 

Hello, Ducks!

 

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for JustAnotherManHoleMonday, August 27, 2012. Naturally, the question on everyone’s mind is, when Tuesday Weld’s birthday falls on a Monday, does the poor dear get confused?

Speaking of confused, We found Our geriatric self in a dream last night in an e-pissode of Glee.  Mister Shue (for those who follow along) wanted to have a heart-to-heart with Dawson (yes, of Dawson’s Creek fame (which, apropos of nothing, inspired the gay porn fillum, Dawson’s Crack)).  So there We were, attempting to engineer a conversation between a reluctant James van der Beek and his fivehead, and a teacher who is, no doubt, younger than he is. (We just verified Our facts.  Because that’s how We do. JvdB is, in fact a year older.)  Naturally, We went into the men’s room.  Dawson went into a stall, We went into the stall on the right, and Mister Shue went into the stall on the left.  We have no idea how this was meant to facilitate conversation, but in a moment, Dawson came through the door between Our two stalls (!) and left though the entry door.  Mister Shue was deeply disappointed.

The key thing to note about this dream, for long–term non-naked-skimmer readers who pay attention, is that there were not even toilets in these stalls, and the usual filth, poop, and general disgustingness of Our usual recurring ret room drams was conspicuously absent.

Thank you, James van der Beek.

And now, as We have other fish to fry (more on that story later), here is an encore presentation of an e-pissode of Erix Daily Horoscope from last year at this time, when We were apparently also awaiting the arrival of a hurricane:

The rain may never fall till after sundown

 

Hello, Ducks!

 

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Flighty, August 26, 2011. (Not very inspired, We are well aware. And yet, if you squint at it just right, a sort of minimalist Chinaman joke. Because not everything can be a pie fight.)

 

We are going to make a sincere effort to avoid The H Word in today’s horoscope, as We are quite sure that you, as We, are completely H-Worded out, and the H hasn’t even arrived yet. We have already received word that the supermarkets are overrun with people purchasing milk, eggs, white bread, and toilet paper. Apparently, Hs are much like blizzards, in that they cause you to crave French toast and then shit a lot. We Our Own Self Personally will be out shopping today (in the glorious sunshine, We might add) for a pair of white gloves and a tasteful pair of light-colored pumps. We don’t expect to be battling crowds. Inclement weather doesn’t seem to make people feel like dressing up for High Tea.

 

Speaking of costumes, you wish YOUR life were (subjunctively) so interesting as to cause YOU to send out emails saying, “That dress needs to be hemmed up at least six inches to be slutty enough.”

 

In still other news, do you have your tickets to The Wedding Consultant yet? Miss Iris and her friends will be frutting and stretting just one week from today: http://ticketing.theatrealliance.org/sites/livearts/details.aspx?id=19622

 

Meanwhile, as the calm before the H continues apace, doesn’t this angel have skin like, well, an angel?

 

 

 

In other news, from several paragraphs back, We are thinking that ShitALot should be a character in something. Or possibly Sir ShitALot. One can almost hear Richard Burton declaiming, “ShitALot…ShitALot…I know it sounds a bit bizarre…but in ShitALot….ShitALot…that’s just the way shit are…”

 

And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for: Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor in Who’s Afraid Of Judith Krantz? Or, the HorrorScope:

 

You need to deal with something rather big today — and rather urgent! (Ordinarily, this would be a place for a penis joke. However, you just KNOW Bee-Yotch is talkin’ ‘bout da weather.)

 

The good news is that (Once the power goes out, We won’t be able to hear any bad news?)

 

you’ve got more than enough energy to handle it all and then start an impromptu party to celebrate. (That’s gonna be one lonely party.)

 

Being diplomatic is nice … (and being nice is diplomatic. Also, this sentence is stupid, you ignorant asshatted twat.)

 

but being in control is more effective. (And what exactly is to prevent One from being all four of those things?)

 

Don’t let your urge to be liked dominate your actions today. (As We shall most likely be alone for the next three days, We are thinking that being liked will be relatively low on Our priority list.)

 

Being a team player doesn’t mean you need to sacrifice your intelligence and critical thinking. (Because, after all, there is no ”I” in “team”. There is also no “I” in “asshole”; that’s all “U”.)

 

Your self-esteem will be well served if you speak your mind, so start talking. (If We talk to Ourself, do We have to listen?)

 

There might be an intimidation factor if you’re surrounded by powerful people, but don’t let that get to you. (But if it doesn’t get to Us, then it’s not really an intimidation factor, now, izzit?)

 

Smart people admire other smart people who aren’t afraid to share controversial ideas. (Sometimes, on the other hand, they admire stupid people who put out.)

 

You’re on the move. (Also in the groove. And Catherine Deneuve.)

 

You’re making progress. (Also, We’re making hay while the sun shines. Now could somebody remind Us what the fuck We wanted all this hay for?)

 

Don’t be surprised (SURPRISE!!!)

 

if your family and friends question your decisions. (Let them first walk a mile in Our tasteful light-colored pumps. Then, if they question Us, they’ll be a mile away, and We won’t hear them.)

 

If they really pry, remember — it’s really none of their business. (And yet, telling people that never seems to stop them.)

 

Your intuition will give you the truth. (We can’t handle the truth.)

 

 

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

 

 

 

 

 

 



Bet I’ll have you naked by the end of this song

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Halloween (oooooh, scaaaaarrryyyy!), October 31, 2011.  Actually, the scariest thing about Halloween this year is that We are reasonably sure it was just August about a nanosecond ago, and suddenly it is virtually November.  We are not, how-you-say, amused.

Of course, the big story around these parts this morning is the arrival of Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: SCORPIO video, complete with a Very Special Guest Appearance by boyband-heartthrob-turned-thespian, Mister Justin Timberlake, with his dramatic interpretation of a monologue from the sequel to the Oscar™-winning Daniel Day-Lewis fillum, My Left Foot, which is cunningly entitled My Right Tit. This is not-to-be-missed, people, and please share it with your friends:

Here is the link with which you can do the aforementioned sharing thing:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yzWPpMcE_go

 Your friends will no doubt be as amazed as you are about Mister Timberlake’s celebrity cameo.  Of course, SCORPIO being Our sixth installment, We are now being deluged with requests to appear by all manner of celebrities who are attempting to jump on Starzina’s bandwagon. (Ahem.)  But We want to hear from YOU, Our Faithful Gentle Readers.  Perhaps one of you has an idea for a Special Guest Appearance in an upcoming Time Of The Month Horoscope.  Do please drop Us a line or

leave Us a comment and let Us know.

In other news, there was some manner of glitch in Bloggonia, whereby Our Google-O-Meter™ would have Us believe that not a single living soul read Our Friday epistle. (Link to said epistle here for your convenience:  http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2011/10/bermuda-bahama-come-on-dalai-lama.html ).  This seems well-nigh impossible to Us, as the self-same Google-O-Meter™ informs Us that forty people have read the infamous Charlene Tilton episode, and that people stumbling upon Us by searching “Charlene Tilton” continue to pour in.  So, if you read the Friday episode prior to reading this, and would be kind enough to let Us know, We are saying “ta very much” in advance in Our pants Judith Krantz Vivian Vance.

And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for:  Justin Bieber’s manager says, “Vocally, his balls have dropped”.  No, really; he SAID that.  Now, if you can make it past Justin Bieber’s balls, here’s the HorrorScope:  (We, meanwhile, are wondering if there’s some way to go out trick-or-treating tonight dressed as Justin Bieber’s balls.)

Have faith in yourself — it’s all you need in order to get things done today. (See, sometimes people say “believe in yourself”, which is very difficult to do when One is imaginary… but this “have faith in yourself” business gives One all sorts of clever ideas.  We could found Our very own organized religion!  The Church of Starzinology!  And then, We could stop paying taxes!  And buy Our very Own Republican presidential candidate!  Think of the fun We could have!)

Your energy is just right for making big leaps (Really?  Not so much.)

and getting others to do the same. (There are, naturally, any number of people We’d like to tell to take a flying leap.)

You can do this, no matter how it seems.  (Impossible!  For a plain yellow pumpkin to become…oh, sorry.  You were probably trying to forget today’s second Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Justin Bieber’s Balls.  Too bad, so sad, anal sex with your dad.)

The faster you try to go today, the less ground you’ll be able to cover.  (In keeping with Friday’s Pennsylvania Dutch lesson (see what you miss when you skip a day?), the preceding sentence is actually a much succincter (rhymes with sphincter) Pennsylvania Dutch adage, to wit: “The hurrier you go, the behinder you get.”  Of course, if some of Us get any behinder, We won’t fit out Our front door.)

The stars are urging you to enjoy where you are in life, (That’s certainly what Justin Timberlake said when he was here.  Well, after he stopped laughing about Justin Bieber’s balls.)

and not to be too focused on the future. (Actually, I’m pretty sure he said not to be too fucked up on the futon.)

So right now you need to slow down. (Also, turn your head and cough, Justin Bieber.)

Just relax already!  (This space reserved for a “Justin Bieber prostate exam” joke.)

Spend some time today enjoying the material rewards of your hard work. (‘Cause We?  Are living in the material world, and We are a material girl.  However, there are precious few “material rewards” for Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscope.   It’s a labour of love, people.  Especially since YouBitches won’t pass it along and help Us go viral.  (We know.  But, on the plus side, at least We had the decorum to put “labour of love” and “YouBitches” in two separate sentences.  (On the plus siZe, We are growing behinder by the second.)))

Take your car for a pleasure drive, for instance, or plug in your headphones and listen to a new album.  (Or juggle Justin Bieber’s balls.  (Hey, that’s every bit as likely as the other two.))

Sooner or later, you’re destined to find the best approach in seducing someone special. (Oh, great.  After all this time, We’re finally gonna have sex, and it’s gonna be with a ‘tard.)

But for now, practice your basic flirting skills. (Because Our basic farting skills? Are already honed to a fine point.)

Smile and let your charm do all the work.  (Wait a minute…We have charm?  It can do work?  Let’s send that mofo out to get a damn JAWB, already!)

(Halloween being half over already, We shall be spending the rest of the day writing a Christmas carol about Justin Bieber’s balls.)

 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

The rain may never fall till after sundown

  

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Flighty, August 26, 201.  (Not very inspired, We are well aware.  And yet, if you squint at it just right, a sort of minimalist Chinaman joke.  Because not everything can be a pie fight.)

We are going to make a sincere effort to avoid The H Word in today’s horoscope, as We are quite sure that you, as We, are completely H-Worded out, and the H hasn’t even arrived yet. We have already received word that the supermarkets are overrun with people purchasing milk, eggs, white bread, and toilet paper.  Apparently, Hs are much like blizzards, in that they cause you to crave French toast and then shit a lot.  We Our Own Self Personally will be out shopping today (in the glorious sunshine, We might add) for a pair of white gloves and a tasteful pair of light-colored pumps.  We don’t expect to be battling crowds.  Inclement weather doesn’t seem to make people feel like dressing up for High Tea.

Speaking of costumes, you wish YOUR life were (subjunctively) so interesting as to cause YOU to send out emails saying, “That dress needs to be hemmed up at least six inches to be slutty enough.”

In still other news, do you have your tickets to The Wedding Consultant yet? Miss Iris and her friends will be frutting and stretting just one week from today:  http://ticketing.theatrealliance.org/sites/livearts/details.aspx?id=19622

Meanwhile, as the calm before the H continues apace, doesn’t this angel have skin like, well, an angel?

In other news, from several paragraphs back, We are thinking that ShitALot should be a character in something.  Or possibly Sir ShitALot.   One can almost hear Richard Burton declaiming, “ShitALot…ShitALot…I know it sounds a bit bizarre…but in ShitALot….ShitALot…that’s just the way shit are…”

And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for: Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor in Who’s Afraid Of Judith Krantz?  Or, the HorrorScope:

You need to deal with something rather big today — and rather urgent!  (Ordinarily, this would be a place for a penis joke.  However, you just KNOW Bee-Yotch is talkin’ ‘bout da weather.)

The good news is that (Once the power goes out, We won’t be able to hear any bad news?)

you’ve got more than enough energy to handle it all and then start an impromptu party to celebrate.  (That’s gonna be one lonely party.)

 Being diplomatic is nice …  (and being nice is diplomatic.  Also, this sentence is stupid, you ignorant asshatted twat.)

but being in control is more effective. (And what exactly is to prevent One from being all four of those things?)

Don’t let your urge to be liked dominate your actions today.   (As We shall most likely be alone for the next three days, We are thinking that being liked will be relatively low on Our priority list.)

Being a team player doesn’t mean you need to sacrifice your intelligence and critical thinking. (Because, after all, there is no ”I” in “team”.  There is also no “I” in “asshole”; that’s all “U”.)

Your self-esteem will be well served if you speak your mind, so start talking. (If We talk to Ourself, do We have to listen?)

There might be an intimidation factor if you’re surrounded by powerful people, but don’t let that get to you. (But if it doesn’t get to Us, then it’s not really an intimidation factor, now, izzit?)

Smart people admire other smart people who aren’t afraid to share controversial ideas.  (Sometimes, on the other hand, they admire stupid people who put out.)

You’re on the move. (Also in the groove.  And Catherine Deneuve.)

You’re making progress. (Also, We’re making hay while the sun shines.  Now could somebody remind Us what the fuck We wanted all this hay for?)

Don’t be surprised (SURPRISE!!!)

 if your family and friends question your decisions. (Let them first walk a mile in Our tasteful light-colored pumps.  Then, if they question Us, they’ll be a mile away, and We won’t hear them.)

If they really pry, remember — it’s really none of their business. (And yet, telling people that never seems to stop them.)

Your intuition will give you the truth. (We can’t handle the truth.)

 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.