Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustaAnotherManicotti?OhSureLikeWe’reGoingToTheAck-A-MeInThisMotherFuckingWeatherMonday,
February Turd, Twenny-Fourteen.
Well, more ugly disgusting motherfucking
gross snow is falling out of the sky at an alarming rate. For something new and different. We just cannot even.
Happy Feast Of Saint Blaise Day to all of Our
Catholic Gentle Readers. This, for the edification of Our NON-Catholic Gentle
Readers, would be the day when all of Us little Catholic schoolchildren would
go to church, where the priest would cross a pair of candles and lay them one
on each side of Our little necks in order to bless Our throats. (We are NOT
making this up.) To the best of Our
recollection, there was never a day devoted to any of Our other little body
parts.
The jokes there, for the most part, tell
themselves.
We trust you all had a lovely Superb Owl
Sunday. We Our Own Self Personally did
not have owl for dinner, although We have heard that the endangered spotted owl
makes a lovely fricassee. While the rest
of you were doing whatever it is that you do on Superb Owl Sunday, We were
watching Downton Abbey. Where That
Black Man With All The Eye Makeup from the other week returned, and actually
turned up at the Abbey. Whereupon all
the upstairs characters looked at him as though they had never seen Such A
Thing before. Maggie Smith was,
naturally, the best at this…Maggie Smith giving side-eye may be just about as
Superb Owl as it gets.
Also, Happy Belated Chinese New Year…well,
possibly not belated; it’s been over half an hour…you’re probably hungry for
another New Year by now. It is, of
course, the Chinese Year Of The Whores.
Somehow, We think We’ll fit right in.
We are knee-deep in writing the next murder
mystery for the dinner theater, so We really shouldn’t be tiring Our typing
fingers with this e-pisstle. But We just
have so many things to say…if only We could somehow double-purpose these scrawlings…so, if you should perchance
attend the next murder mystery, and characters therein begin to prattle on
about The Feast Of Saint Blaise or Maggie Smith’s side-eye, you’ll know why.
Happy Belated Birthday, meanwhile, to Terry,
who turned twenty-four this past weekend right here in The City That Loves You
(On Your) Back, when all of the previous snow had melted and everything in the
garden was beautiful. Happy Belated Birthday also to Christine, who also turned
twenty-four this past weekend, somewhere in the suburbs of The City That Loves
You (On Your) Back.
Also too, Happy Belated Birthday to Chris,
who turned twenty-four this past weekend somewhere in Illinois. Which really wants to rhyme with “Blanche
DuBois”, but doesn’t. (Of course, there
is a town in Pennsyltucky called “Dubois”.
And they call it? “Dooboyz”. (Again, We are NOT making that up. (We have no imagination whatsoever. You would be surprised how little of this
crap We actually have to invent.))) And
Happy Belated Birthday to Shawn, who turned twenty-four this past weekend all
the way out in El Lay. Which is where We
wish We were, as the weather no doubt looks absolutely nothing like the
abortion that’s falling out of the sky here.
And, last but not Lee Strasberg, Happy
Bleated Birthday to Harry Styles, who turned twenty this past weekend. Bless his heart. True Starzina aficionados are aware, of
course, that Starzina has a special place in her heart (and, indeed, in various
other portions of her anatomy) for all of the members of One Direction, but
especially for Mister Styles.
Speaking of hawtt bois with beautiful hair,
the WorldWideInterWebNetz were all agog early in the weekend over the casting
of Jesse Eisenberg as Lex Luthor in the upcoming Batman vs. Superman fillum.
In response to which, We naturally exclaimed, “He’s going to shave off
all of that beautiful hair?!?” (Who,
dear? Gay, dear? Us, dear? No, dear.)
Still on the subject of hawtt bois with
beautiful hair, We probably haven’t mentioned Milwaukee, West Wisconsonomington
since Our friend with the Really Big Wrench and the Silky Smooth Buttcrack*
returned from same at the (Non-Chinese) New Year. The lovely folks at weather.com still think
We live there, however, and We neglected to mention that, one day last week, it
was actually one degree WARMER in Milwaukee than it was here. Sigh.
*(“Silky Smooth” is new this time
around. We’re painting a werd pixture.)
.
We are currently in the sign of Aquarius, the
only sign of the zodiac for which there is only one Starzina’s Time of the Month
Horoscope video. Fortunately, it
doesn’t suck.
Our
video (Aquarius, for you naked skimmers who aren’t paying attention) is above,
and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends: http://youtu.be/ovOtlxcnC50
Apropos of absolutely
nothing, We were procrastinating on a dating site the other day where, in
response to “What’s the most private thing you’re willing to admit in public?”,
a young gentleman said, “I
have an irrational fear of cotton balls, and cranberry sauce that comes out of
a can.” We are fairly certain that We’re
in love.
And now, the HorrorScope…
Today is Doctor Henry Heimlich (of Maneuver
fame)’s ninety-fourth birthday. Who even
needs a horrorscope, with a “sums-it-all-up” fact like that one at One’s
disposal?
Namaste, MotherFuckers.
In gaseousness,
Starzina Starfish-Browne
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but
better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For
real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good
friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our
Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better
by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
