I streamed a stream of consciousNESS

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  Wednesday’sChildIsFullOfEverySha-La-La-LaEveryWhoa-Whoa-WoeKarenCarpenterIsStillDead, February 6, 2013.  (That there joke operated on so many levels that it was frightening, wunnit?  A sort of existential tone poem of a joke, if you will, Buffalo Bill coupe de ville Anita Hill.  The sort of joke a Buddhist monk might mime to his yak.  A yuk for yaks, as it (subjunctively) were.)

We may be having a stroke.  Oh, We can raise Our arms, and We can smile, but when We tried to say a sentence, it came out as one of the sentences from the preceding paragraph, so the jury is still out.

We are apparently becoming civic-minded in Our dotage.  That was Our second Public Service Announcement in two days.  Many of you are no doubt still recovering from Our breast cancer PSA video from yesterday.  Speaking of strokes.

As a matter of fact, We’re feeling so benignly benevolent and benevolently benign that We’re gonna replay that PSA just pour vous, Nanette Fabray:

For those of YouPeople who have paused long enough in your naked skimming to wonder just how We create such a bantery barrage of bon motley badinage every day before breakfast, We are here to tell you, Boris Badonov, it is almost entirely stream-of-consciousness.  Stream-of-consciousness is, of course, a literary technique perfected by noted American author William Faulkner.  We are fairly certain We’ve never read an actual word written by the illustrious Mister Faulkner, but, on multiple choice tests in high school, if they said “William Faulkner”, we were trained to bark out “stream-of-consciousness”, much like Pavlov’s dog.

Nuns are fucking hysterical, no?

Speaking of hysterical nuns, We shall be playing The VD Match Game on Friday and Saturday, February 15 and 16, at 7:30 at L’Etage.  You can obtain tickets here http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/331562 and find more info here
http://www.facebook.com/events/279672565493605/  Our Sistah Ovella, for those of you who know her, will be playing also.

Speaking of Our Sistah Ovella (is it just Us, or is the stream of Our consciousness much like a circus elephant pissing on your head and then telling you it’s raining? (Of course it isn’t, silly; circus elephants can’t talk.  (This is the same reason why those Buddhist monks had to mime to their yaks.  (Oh, look; We’ve come full circle! (To everything (turd-turd-turd) there is a season (turd-turd-turd)…)))))

What the fuck were We talking about?  Oh, yes, Our Sistah Ovella.  To cheer Ourselves up here in the dead of winter, she is coming over later and We’re gonna eat baguettes and watch French people starve to death.  That is, We’re gonna look at Our SAG screener of Less Miserable.  If We’re lucky, maybe long about the third hour, Jerry Lewis will sing a song.

As Marcel Marceau always says:

Here is a little Aquarius fillum, for Our birthday Aquarians:

And here are the HorrorScopes:

Apparently, today is everybody’s birthday, from Axl Rose to Zsa Zsa Gabor.  (We have no idea what that means, but We do enjoy the symmetry.)

You need to snap into action today  (We’ve already had a stroke…isn’t that enough “snapping” for one day?)

— so make sure that you’re not just spinning your wheels or talking the big talk. (Also, what about Crackle?  And Pop?)

Things should start to get more interesting (Well, they certainly couldn’t get less.)

just as you’re in the thick of it all!  (Is it just Us, or did the exclamation point make that sound really dirty?)

 Seek out someone who you really respect or admire and find out how they do it. (WWWFD?)

(What Would William Faulkner Do?  (Try to keep up.  Jeebus.))

If you love how they handle themselves in a meeting, (Or if you just love how they handle their love-handles.)

ask them for pointers on how to improve your verbal communication.  (It is also Eva Braun’s birthday.  We just thought We’d throw that in there.)

If you admire the way they always get the party started, find out how you can become more outgoing.  (What if We want to become more incoming?  If you know what We mean.  And We think you do.)

Whatever you want to learn today, the best way to get your education is by asking someone who’s already doing it well. (Now We are picturing Axl Rose and Zsa Zsa Gabor sharing birthday cake.  Someone make it stop, please.)

They’ll be flattered (Or flattened.)

and will start seeing you in a more positive light.  (How ‘bout a nice bastard amber?)

Exploring some new scenes and meeting some fresh characters gives your heart the kick-start it’s desperately in need of.  (Did We mention Our stroke?  Kick-starting Our heart might not be the wisest idea…)

Now for something, and maybe even someone, entirely different!  (Whatevs.  We gotta go to the bakery for baguettes.)

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

They do the Monster Mash

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for WentSailingWhichIsTotallyDifferentThanWentWassailing, January 25, 2012.  Happy birthday to Earl, who turns twenty-four today.  And Happy Hump Day to all you Humpers and Humpettes out there in HumpHumpLand. We trust you are Humping Away in your Humpity Way while seeing the U.S.A. in your Chevrolet.  (Does anyone feel another children’s book coming on?  Just Us?  Alrighty, then. (Meanwhile, how peculiar a word is “Chevrolet”?  (Robert Goulet, Simone Signoret, Nanette Fabray.  (Have We actually had Nanette Fabray in the horoscope two days running?  Pretty amazing.  Especially the running, what with her being dead and all.))))

It’s like We’re losing Our minds….

We have, as you can see, absolutely nothing this morning.  Of course, the day after Ernest Borgnine’s birthday is always a let-down.  And Christmas was one month ago today.  Which means only 334 more shopping days till Christmas 2012.  We can’t wait to see what you’re buying Us this year…We trust you will be keeping the “Oh, Christ!” in Christmas.  (And the O’Christ in Saint Patrick’s Day, but that’s a whore in another cupboard.  (What does that expression even MEAN?))

Our complete lack of focus may be explained by the fact that We were at a focus group last night.  On the subject of vacation travel.  To, for the love of O’Christ, Connecticut.  Who the fuck DOES that?  We did Our level best to impress upon these people that, while We could certainly point in the direction in which Connecticut would be found (if We were (subjunctively) looking for it, which We are NOT), there is absolutely nothing that distinguishes it from Vermont, Rhode Island, or New Hampshire, except perhaps its utility as a suburb of New York, which only serves to confuse it with North Jersey.  In fact, of however many states there are in New England (didn’t We just sort out this “New” business the other day?), We can only manage to identify Massachusetts (that being where they keep Greater Bostonia) and Maine (that being the only US state that is also a Canadian province).

All that notwithstanding, We did in fact collect Our check.

Speaking of Oscars™, share Our fillum with your friends:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ovOtlxcnC50

(How was THAT for a goddamn segue?)

Also check out the other videos: http://www.youtube.com/user/RickinPhilly?feature=mhee

Heeeeere’s the HorrorScope:

If your ambitions aren’t clear this morning, they will be by tonight. (Oh, great.  So now We’re gonna be in one of those teenage vampire movies.  Playing, no doubt, the vampire’s grandmother.  With an orthopedic cape and Our fangs in a glass by Our bed.  Sigh.)

You need to focus (Please don’t say “focus”…it makes Us think of Connecticut.  And who needs to do that?)

on your deepest desires and see what you can do to bring them closer to life. (Contrary to popular belief, We actually are always out there pitching.  (To use one of those sports metaphors of which We are so fond.)  Apparently, however, We have very complicated desires.  With streetcars named after them.)

It’s easier than you think!  (So are We!  But nobody ever lets Us prove it.)

Is your ambition exerting too much control over your life? (Didn’t you just tell Us that would all be clear by tonight?  Like, seriously, three sentences ago?  If YOU’RE not listening to yourself talk, why should We?)

Nope!  (Does anyone actually say “Nope!” in real life?)

That’s simply not possible, today. (Then apparently it is one of six things We shall have to do before breakfast.  (That was the second brilliant litter-hairy allusion so far.  Try to keep up…there will be a quiz.))

In fact, you have got to get on that career ladder and climb more aggressively. (In THESE shoes?!?)

Moving yourself upward should be your top priority right now — mostly because all the conditions are perfect for you to succeed! (Well, it’s a good thing We’re not trying to fail, then, innit?)

By the end of the day, you will be very happy about where you’ve ended up. (Bed?)

The symbols expressed in your dreams are truly significant when it comes to your dating life. (If you’d seen any of Our dreams lately, you’d be very, very afraid.)

Tap into the subconscious — it holds answers to your waking hours. (We’re a geriatric vampire.  We drink blood out of varicose veins.)

(It’s a pity Halloween’s so far off, innit?)

Don’t laugh it off: those weird dreams are telling you something. (We don’t even dare contemplate.)

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

Oh, We wish We were (subjunctively) an Oscar Meyer™ wiener

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for TootsiePop, January 24, 2012.  Probably not many of you are up and reading this today, as you probably have the day off from work.  It being Ernest Borgnine’s ninety-fifth birthday, and all. We Our Own Self Personally will be whipping (ooooh!) through today’s e-pistle at breakneck speed so We can get a cake into the oven.  (Which sounds for all the world like a euphemism, but isn’t. (Meretricious prevarication, yes; euphemism, no.))  One can only imagine the preparations underway at Charlene Tilton’s house…

Naturally, being An Inquiring Mind Who Wants To know (no, really; Who wants to know?), We just felt compelled to Six-Degrees-Of-Kevin-Bacon Mister Borgnine and Ms. Tilton.  Turns out, they each have a Bacon number of TWO.  (You have a Bacon Number of TWO if you’ve been in a movie with someone who’s been in a movie with Kevin Bacon.  (You have a Bacon Number of ONE if you’ve been in a movie with Kevin Bacon your own self. (You have a Bacon Number of ZERO if you actually ARE Kevin Bacon.  Most people do not have Bacon Numbers of ZERO.)))

They also each have a reference number of TWO with regard to each other; that is, they have been in a movie with someone who has been in a movie with the other one, but have never been in the same movie together. (Many of you are no doubt mentally reviewing Ms. Tilton’s oeuvre, attempting to imagine her in a movie with ANYONE.  Apparently, you have never seen Problem Child 2.)

(All statistics in the preceding courtesy of http://oracleofbacon.org/.)

So, aspiring Hollywood screenwriters, the clock is ticking (SERIOUSLY ticking, in Mister Borgnine’s case)…this year’s Oscar™ nominees having just been announced, let’s see who can get a cinematic project  to the big screen in time for next year’s awards, starring Ernest Borgnine and Charlene Tilton.  With Adam Sandler as The Beaver.

Speaking of Oscars™, share Our fillum with your friends:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ovOtlxcnC50

(How was THAT for a goddamn segue?)

Also check out the other videos: http://www.youtube.com/user/RickinPhilly?feature=mhee

Meanwhile, We’ve got to be e-pistling along…Ernest Borgnine’s cake isn’t going to bake itself.  (That sounded like a euphemism too.  We think We’re gonna be sick.)  Heeeeere’s the HorrorScope:

Your goals are lofty — but that doesn’t mean they’re out of reach!  (Well, they are if they’re in the loft.  Because We don’t have a loft.  Duh.)

If anything, you may find yourself quite a bit closer to them by the end of the day, if your mental energy has any say!  (Yay, hooray!  Nanette Fabray!  (Kelli is apparently a poet, but she is unaware of it.))

It always pays to plan ahead — an upcoming journey or event will be much more enjoyable if you take a little bit of time to make sure you know where you’re going, how you’re going to get there, and what you’ll do once you arrive. (Party pooper.  (Where does that expression come from, anyway?  Do people actually go to parties and poop?  Did that used to be a thing, like back before wife-swapping and beer pong? (The WorldWideInterWebNetz are not helping Us sort this conundrum, although they have informed Us that the first recorded use of the phrase was in 1954.  It was the Eisenhower administration, college students were swallowing goldfish and cramming themselves into phone booths…One can well imagine that taking a poop in the middle of a party was all the rage.)))

 It will be fun figuring out the logistics of this outing, and after a few minutes online you’ll discover a neat option that you had never considered before. (Did she say “neat”?  What’s next, “keen”?  “Swell”?  “Ginchy”?)

If you are traveling with someone else, contact them as soon as you can to share your findings.  (If We were (subjunctively) travelling with someone else, wouldn’t they be right with Us?  What the fuck are you talking abou, Kelli?)

 It’s easy to forget what a unique individual you are. (We are unique, just like everybody else.)

Life tends to pound you into nameless, faceless submission, but it’s time to exert your freedom and independence. (That’s it…We’re gonna go poop in the middle of a party.)

Do at least one thing that defines your personality.  (Hmmm…perhaps We shall poop Our name in the snow.)

 If it’s a piece of flair, flaunt it proudly. (If it’s  a piece of poop, fling it poopily.)

 

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

You can ring my beh-eh-ell, ring my bell

Greetings,  Entenmann’s™ Raspberry Inspires Carboloading---

(Micro$oft Weird™ doesn’t think “carboloading” is a word.  Micro$oft Weird™ has apparently not noticed Our @ssz eclipsing the sun.)

Here is your horoscope for Wednesday, September 22, 2010 (We have absolutely nothing to report, but We got email from OurShaun in London, England, Britain, UK yesterday saying that he “loved” yesterday’s horoscope.  And, since Our wit wasn’t particularly scintillating, We are guessing that what he loved was the Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Crème Brulee Nanette Fabray Robert Goulet Why Do The French Love Jerry Lewis.   So, since We have another one like it, We thought We’d share.):

(Also, Happy Hump Day. If you are humping, We don’t want to hear about it.  If you are humpbacked, on the other hand, you can ring our bell.)

(In other news, you can go herehttp://www.delawarescene.com/event.php?id=4014  to get FIVE DOLLAR tickets to see the WaitStaff’s Real Housewives of South Philly at the Wilmington Fringe.  Also, We are appearing this Saturday night at 7PM in some theater at Ursinus College for the low, low price of FREE. Are We two-bit wh0res, or what? (If you will be in the vicinity of Uranus College, ask Us for actual details.))

(Speaking of wh0ring, here’s Everybody’s Favorite Messiah, Jesus H. Christ, with His YouTube video:

(Our-O-Scopes:)

You need to reach out and help your friends who are in need — and there may be quite a few of them! (Alright, you needy b1tches, line up for gruel.)

You probably won’t get too much done of your own business, (Well, We suppose not.  All this damn gruel ain’t gonna make itself.)

but you should have plenty of time tomorrow. (Also, your son’ll come out tomorrow.  Bet your bottom dollar he’s a bottom.)

In a gaggle of geese, you’re a swan. (What the fu(k is THAT supposed to mean?)

In a clutch of hens, you’re the head bird. (The word you’re looking for is “cock”.  (Come (heh) to think of it, the word MOST of Us are looking for is “cock”.))

(A-doodle-doo.  Also, yabba-dabba-doo, and a little dab’ll do ya.  BOO-yah!)

(What?)

In a flock of nightingales, you’ve got the sweetest and most powerful voice. (Also, We taste like chicken.  Really OLD chicken, but still.)

Yep, (“Yep”?)

you’re kind of a natural leader type. (Also, this is Our natural hair color.)

And right now, you’ve got just the right inspiration as to where to go and how to get there. (Why is it getting so warm in here, and what are We doing in this handbasket?)

This inspiration will turn you into a 100 percent bona fide top bird. (Kiss Us quick, We’re Tippi Hedren.)

So go ahead and crow until everybody listens. (Or possibly Mary Martin. (If you actually got that, you are (A.) very, very old and (2.) gayer than Liberace’s purse fu(king Charles Nelson Reilly’s ascot in a field of pansies while Paul Lynde’s Tuesday panties look on and sip a banana daiquiri with an umbrella in it.))

You’ve got great creative flow and vision  (Quick…who’s got a Maxi-Pad™?)

— which is ideal for work, but also great for any romantic endeavors. (Is it just Us, or is there absolutely nothing romantic about an “endeavor”?)

Dream up a hilarious message to someone special, (Your entire family has been eaten by rabid dogs!)

(It strikes Us that that sounded like a fortune cookie message and, as such, should definitely end with “in bed”.)

or issue the perfect invite! (Hey, We already made gruel for all you needy b1tches…what the h3ll else do you want from Us?)

 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes):

http://www.humorscope.com

Have you driven a cowgrass lately?)

That deaf, dumb, and blind kid sure plays a mean pinball

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Tuesday, February 1, 2011.  I’m not sure exactly what happened, but the sum total of Snowpocalypse Two Electric Boogaloo so far is that the sidewalks look like the top of your glass coffee table after a party in the 80s.  Not that I’m complaining, mind you.  I’ll be much happier sending Himself out to clear the path with a rolled up twenty instead of a shovel.

Meanwhile, Micro$oft Weird™ has flagged “boogaloo” as misspelled.  At first, I thought it might be one of those pesky American versus British issues; perhaps we spell “boogaloo” differently on the other side of the pond. But the WorldWideInterWebNetz confirms the “boogaloo” spelling of “boogaloo”, regardless of country of origin, so sod off, Micro$oft Weird™. (“Boogaloo” is clearly one of those words that gets weirder and weirder the more times one types it.  (Micro$oft Weird™ also suggests that I might like to replace “pesky” with “annoying”.  Consequently, I shall replace “sod off” with “fu(k you”.)))

In other news, it is unclear to me why, on what is obviously a “stay in your jammies with your hot water bottle and your woolly penguin under the covers” kind of day, I have been up since the crack of ass-thirty.  However, there has been good news so far on several fronts, among them the followers of these epistles, and the popularity of Himself’s YouTube video of Our Lord and Saviour.  So I feel compelled to ask (despite the fact that no one will answer, much like when Helen Keller falls down in a forest, and one doesn’t know if there’s sound, but what the hell was some deaf, dumb, and blind bitch doing wandering about in a forest anyway?):  do you share these epistles with others, who are not acquainted with Himself and I?  Also, have you shared the video with others?  (And here it is, just in case you felt the urge to do so.  (Or to do-si-do.  Whatever blows your dress up.))

And now, before the horoscope proper begins, a word about my Madd Editing Skillz.  I am, of course, available for hire to make all of your documents look every bit as classy and professional as these daily epistles.  And I am, in fact, completely capable of conforming to American English standards.  For example, in the paragraph preceding the video, I am well aware that “Saviour” is a British spelling, while the American “Savior” would have no U in it, despite that irritating American hymn, “What A Friend U Have In Jesus”.  Also, you may have noticed that I am a staunch proponent of the serial comma (as in “deaf, dumb, and blind”) for the laser-like clarity that it brings.  To wit:

“I’d like to thank my parents, the Pope, and Mother Teresa.”

Versus

“I’d like to thank my parents, the Pope and Mother Teresa.”

I just had a Slim-Fast™ bar for breakfast.  How much slimmer will I get if I eat the rest of the box?

The future seems much more enticing than the present right now (Wait…there are presents?)

— but that doesn’t mean you should just sit around daydreaming!  (Oh, no…I should sit here, typing my fingers to the bone to amuse YouPeople.  All work and no play, smoke crack with dull boys.  (I’ve never understood that saying.  You wacky, zany, madcap Americans.))

Get to work on something big that isn’t likely to pay off for a while.  (Trust me, I haven’t been paid in QUITE a while.  But just think, if everyone reading this horoscope sent me one dollar, I’d have…one dollar?  (Well, maybe two…there is, of course, The New Guy.  Hi, The New Guy!))

It might be difficult to understand when and how to be critical today. (Not especially.  I never seem to find anything about being critical even remotely difficult.  In fact, I venture to say it’s one of my fortes.  One of my most finely honed skills, if you will.  (Or even if you won’t.  What makes you think YOU’RE so damned important?)  Why, if there were (subjunctively) a job whose main duties were criticizing and complaining, I would be Employee of the Month thirteen months of the year.)

 In a business or professional context, you’ll have it a bit easier, though (Meanwhile, in a pie-eating context, avoid the blueberry.  (Also the dingleberry.  (Heh.  Dingleberry pie.  It’s like cowpie, kind of.  If cows used toilet paper.  Like those bears on that commercial…how revolting is that?  I think we can all agree that I’m hardly a prude, but I don’t think they should be allowed to show dingleberries on television.  Cartoon bears or no, they still shit in the woods where Helen Keller falls down.)))

(My digressions have digressions.  Try to keep up.)

— an early morning conflict will force you to look at things in a harsher, more truthful light. (There is no light.  It’s pitch dark outside.  (Of course, that’s par for the course for Helen Keller.  (Not that one imagines her golfing much.)))

(“Fore!”)

Err on the side of caution by being more forgiving and patient than you might otherwise be. (“Err” is such an odd word, no?  It always looks like a mistake.  How convenient that that’s what it means.   To Err is human, to Brrr is Helen Keller falling down in a forest full of snow, to Grrrr is a bear taking a shit on her.)

(Obviously, today’s Erix Daily Horosocpe has a running thread.  How lucky for you!)

(When I said “shit” earlier, Micro$oft Weird™ made nary a peep.  This time it is suggesting that I replace it with “shot” or “hit”.  Everybody’s a critic.)

Loving is more important than being right sometimes.  (I solve that entire conundrum by loving being right.)

While everyone else is fighting in the board room, you’re back in the lunch room, chatting up that new hottie. (Actually, I’m bitchin’ in the kitchen.  ‘Cause there ain’t no damn “hottie” here.)

Say out of the fray — you’re sure to meet the right person that way. (Doris Day, Nanette Fabray, Simone Signoret.  You’re a poet, but you’re unaware of it.)

 

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.