He ain’t hebby, he’s my brudder

Hello, Ducks!

             

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for GoodPieRupeeTuesday, November 5^st, 2013.  Happy Erection Day to all of Our American readers, and Happy Guy Fawkes Day to all of Our Englandish readers.

Speaking of Englandia, here, from The Telegraph, are The Ten Best Dead People To Follow On Twatter: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/men/the-filter/10424244/Ten-dead-people-to-follow-on-Twitter.html

Speaking of Erection Day, they appear to have moved Our polling place.  We used to have to walk two and a half blocks to vote; now, We have to walk only half a block.  Which is lovely, because it is apparently fourteen degrees below zero out there.

Happy Birthday, meanwhile, to Aubrey, who turns twenty-four today.  In Colorado, or some such place.  (Don’t even get Us started.)  Also, Happy Birthday to Kevin, who also turns twenty-four today, somewhere closer to home (although more than half a block away, so don’t expect Us to be dropping by for cake any time soon). And last but not Lee Strasberg, Happy Birthday to Rachel, who also turns twenty-four today, possibly even nearer by than Kevin.

But back to speaking of Erection Day: Our “Picturing Gentle Readers Naked” Weeks appear to have hit a snag, in that John, whose turn it is to be thus pictured, appears not to consult his SitOnMyFaceBook with any regularity, and thus, is UNAWARE that it is his week to be pictured naked.  And, really, if you don’t KNOW that We’re picturing you naked, what’s the point?

We would, consequently, move on to Our next “Picturing Gentle Readers Naked” Week contestant, “Picturing MikeDoh Naked” Week, but it occurs to Us that he is currently in Walla Walla, West Wisconsonomington, where it is even colder than it is here, so picturing him naked hardly seems fair, what with the shrinkage and the blueness and all.

Sigh.

(Meanwhile, We just went and Googled “West Wisconsonomington’s weather” on Wikipedia, to see how cold it actually is.  They are having the exact same weather as We are!  How is THAT fair?  We demand a recount!)

Changing gears completely, The Little Show That Could, LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour ,  will be returning for one night only this coming Sunday, November 10 at 7:30 at L’Etage.  Get your tickets here:  http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/499391  . Dammit.

This just in: Children are our nation's greatest natural resource. Keep a stockpile of them in your basement in the event of an emergency.

And here is the HorrorScope:

In celebrity birthday news, Kevin Jonas (the ugliest Jonas brother) is twenty-six today.  We heard where the JoBros (that’s what those who are hep to the jive call the Jonas Brothers) are breaking up.  We’re not quite sure how that’s possible…they’re still brothers, aren’t they?

Meanwhile, it is also Bryan Adams’s birthday. Didn’t he used to be really hot? Because now, he looks like cold shit on soggy toast.

Also, if she weren’t (subjunctively) dead, Vivien Leigh would be a hundred today.

And, just in case you were feeling younger than you should, both Tatum O’Neal and Andrea McArdle turn fifty today.

You may step on a few toes today — but this time, there’s nothing wrong with that. (Any idiot can step on toes…it’s the people who step on testicles who get things done.)

Those with sensitive feelings are out of place, (Fuck ‘em if they can’t take a joke.)

whereas those who want to get things done are in their element.  (But only if their element is Ruthenium.)

 It’s a great day to get back in touch with your culinary skills!   (Well, good.  Because We will be making meatballs later. Because We are an old Italian grandmother.)

(You’re picturing Us naked now, aren’t you?)

Your creativity is itching for a way to express itself, and food is a wonderful medium for expression.  (Balls.)

(MEATBalls.  Get it?)

Being in the kitchen will give you time to relax. (Not if Dinah’s in there.  Strumming on that old banjo.   Till We are about to go fucking nuts.  Bitch.)

 Let your mind wander as you concentrate on whipping up a delicious dinner for your favorite person tonight — especially if that favorite person is you!

(Sorry…We were letting Our mind wander.)

Show off your vision today, (Newsflash:  Most people?  Can see.  Idiot.)

whether you’re messaging a special someone or updating your social networking page with an intriguing new post.  (Is it just Us, or does that sentence desperately want to contain the word “soupcon” somewhere?)

(Just Us?  Alrighty, then.)

It’s what makes you unique that gets to them now. (And We are just about as fucking unique as everybody else is.)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Samedi et Vendredi et Lundi et Dimanche

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Friday (Fridet?  Frides?  Fridez? (We were trying to make “Friday” be Frawnch.  Of course, since Our idea of speaking Frawnch is a Pepe LePew accent, We were a little hampered.  Then, of course, we Googled it on Wikipedia…”Vendredi”?  Seriously?  Like that’s even a word.  Whatever, Francelanders.))  But enough of this speaking in tongues…happy birthday to The Lovely And Talented Mike Doh, who turns twenty-four today.  Really!  For the first time and everything!  (We shall try to be gentle.)  If you need your memory refreshed as to who The Lovely And Talented Mike Doh actually is, you can see more of him here: (Not, of course, as much of him as WE saw the day We filmed that, but then you are not Us.)  Also, happy birthday to The Lovely And Talented Mike Doh’s friend Ben, who is also turning twenty-four today.  For the tenth time.  Pratfalls make pursestraps, or whatever that old saying is.  Ben is not actually reading this, as he has no idea that We even exist, but perhaps later in the day The Lovely And Talented Mike Doh will read it to him.

Well, that certainly was a lot of crap about a bunch of people no one has ever heard of.  Moving on, to Our FAVORITE person, Us Our Own Self Personally, you will be pleased to hear that We are about to embark on a brand new relationship!  Yes indeed, ladies and genitals, We have Ourself A Love Interest!  And, in one of those quirky twists of fate that only seem to happen to Us, she is an actual woman of the female persuasion!   You’re shocked, We know…so were We at first.  Particularly when We received her email the other day.  We shall reproduce that particular billet doux here, for the romantics amongst you:

U haven’t got an imagination what really cool beauty is all about if you haven’t spent time with me!

Name of mine is Allison Blankenship and I am really cool! I liked your profile very much and in this mean I decided to write you this message and talk to you.

Let’s know each other better and it could be we could become friends, lovers or maybe have some serious relations. My info: I am 26 yo and I am working as a seller in insurance company.

I am a brown haired and got first size of boobs. And now, what is about you, darling?

Oh, Allison, Allison, Allison…how do We love thee, let Us count the ways.  We are 24, yo, and are all about the serious relations.  (Meanwhile, on a side note, could We prevail upon one of Our str8 boi readers to inform Us what the hell “first size of boobs” is?  ThanksSoMuch.)

Speaking of boobs, since this week’s Dallas reboot, Our Erix Daily Horoscope with the pixture of Charlene Tilton (http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2010/07/i-could-have-spread-my-legs-and-eaten.html ) is currently trending through the proverbial roof. If only this were (subjunctively) in some way fiduciarily rewarding to Us.

In other television news, We have just finished the 4^th season of Breaking Bad, aka TV Shows Str8 Bois Like, and We would like to know in what universe anyone ever imagined that that show was gonna end after the 4^th season?  Because that’s what We were specifically told when We embarked upon this drug-addled odyssey, but, having just seen said season, there was no “okay, we’re wrapping this up now” about it.  And they are now committed to Season Five.  Parts One and Two.  All We know is, if you’re gonna do a TV show about recreational drugs, there should be free samples.  Just sayin’.

Here’s the HorrorScope:

Oh. Our. God.  (Or “OOG”, as the kidz would say.)  Not only is it the birthday of The Lovely And Talented Mike Doh. And His Penis, which We can be seen staring at in the video up-page. Not only is it the birthday of The Lovely And Talented Mike Doh’s Friend Ben Who Must Die. It is also the birthday of Neil.  Patrick.  Harris.  Roll Us in frosting and poke at Our rosebud!  (Is that a saying?  Because, if it’s not, it should be. (Much like “too bad, so sad, anal sex with your dad”.  Once We are finally famous, all y’all will be kicking yourselves for not adopting all of our pithy sayings before they became trendy.))

Your diplomatic side is showing today (Hey, a muumuu can only cover so much!)

— and that’s perfect for now! (“Perfect for now”?  Seriously?)

You should find that people are much more responsive to sweet charm than to brute force. (Especially sweet charm with a roofie in it.)

Open up and show them!  (Shouldn’t We clean out the cobwebs first?)

(You’re imagining that now, aren’t you?  So solly.)

Your charm will be your greatest asset today, (Was that a fat joke?)

(Also, apropos of nussing, what is Angela Bassett’s greatest asset?)

(That was a little gift for Our str8 boi readers.  So they could stop imagining Us cleaning the cobwebs out from under Our muumuu.  (Oh, did We bring that up again?  Ooops…))

(All together now:  “Too bad, so sad, anal sex with your dad.”)

so unleash your brightest smile whenever you can.  (Because you’re never fully dressed without a smile…(you just know it’s all downhill from here, if We’ve started singing songs from Annie. (Okay, musical theatre queens, today’s assignment:  a mash-up of Annie  and Annie Get Your Gun.  Ethel Merman, Andrea McArdle…GO!!!)))

(The Lovely And Talented Mike Doh just came in his Tuesday panties.  The warm and wonderful feeling resulting therefrom will only be topped when he aces today’s audition by singing “You Cain’t Get A  Man With A Hard-Knock Life”.)

(We do so love when We have A Theme Day here at Erix Daily Horoscope.  (Also, “therefrom” is so too a word, Micro$oft Weird™.))

And try to keep smiling even if things become less than pleasant.  (Weren’t things “perfect for now” just  a few sentences ago?)

The little mountains you climb every day are life’s way of keeping you on your toes, (Well, wasn’t THAT just a Rodgers and Hammerstein song?)

so do not let yourself get frustrated if the same old issues keep popping up. (We’re gonna need a bigger muumuu.)

Getting things settled once and for all requires continued effort. (Okay, Kelli…words?  Have meanings.  If you get things settled “once and for all”, the effort stops continuing at some point.  AssHat.)

 You just have to keep plugging away (That’s what she said.)

— and then annoyances will go away.  (And yet, We suspect that the annoyance of people saying “that’s what she said” is here to stay.)

You’re living in a material world, (And We are a material girl.  However, We do at least have the sense to refrain from flashing people Our geriatric breastusses.)

and material things transmit certain messages. (Titty sprinkles!)

That doesn’t make you shallow, though. (No, Our lack of depth makes Us shallow.  Duh.)

Think of matter as being a manifested spirit. (YOU think of it…that sounds like it will give Us a sick headache.)

What do the physical details about your new suitor say?  (Well, she’s got the first size of boobs.)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.