Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for GoodPieRupeeTuesday, October Sebbenst, 2014.
Happy Birthday to Brainard, who turns
twenty-four today in New York. New York,
New York: The City That Doesn’t Sleep
(With Us).
Happy Birthday also to Kevin, who also turns
twenty-four today. In somewhere called “East
Texas, Pennsylvania”. There really
oughta be a law. Seriously…if they don’t
want to be called “Pennsyltucky”, they gotta stop naming places things like “East Texas”. Gawd!
In other news, for those of Our Gentle
Readers who like guessing games (which, from the thunderous response, would
appear to be exactly one of you (hi, MizDonna!)), you may recall a week or so
ago when We asked you to Guess What We Did Last Night. (MizDonna, for those curious Gentle Readers
whose curiosity has not yet caused the untimely demise of their pussies,
guessed that We had finally met Johnny Depp.
Yeah, like We could keep the gaping maw that is Our mouth closed for this
long about THAT.)
Well, guess what, ladies and genitals? We did it again! So again We say: Guess What We Did Last Night!
In other other news, despite Our tender age
of twenty-four, We were one of the very first people (after Al Gore, of course
(and George Takei)) to find Our way onto the WorldWideInterWebNetz. We have tried always to be an early adopter
of social media platforms, whether We understand them or not, as clearly, in
Our profession, One’s ability to whore Oneself on all media platforms increases
the funds One finds under the lamp on the nightstand.
One of the social media platforms We had
enjoyed playing with (although not fully comprehending) had been FourSquare,
which One uses, primarily through One’s smart(ass)phone, to check in at
different locations, thereby informing One’s friends that One is somewhere cooler
than they are. We primarily enjoyed using
this whilst travelling, when We would look at the list of businesses etc. in
Our vicinity and check in at the most oddly named one.
Then one day, on some excursion during the
past year, FourSquare stopped working for Us.
Oh, We could call it up, and do everything associated with it, EXCEPT We
couldn’t check in anywhere. We figgered
We had pissed off the FourSquare gods with Our frivolous check-ins at random
oddly-named places where We had never been.
We haven’t been able to check in for at least
eight months.
Until today.
Imagine Our surprise when We picked up Our
phone to see which of Our many friends were ignoring Us today and discovered
Our FourSquare app mysteriously open to the check-in screen.
To celebrate, We promptly checked in
somewhere nearby called The Nuthouse.
True story.
(Speaking of planets, Uranus. (No, not really…We just said that because there
was urine in the preceding story. (But speaking of planets, We just heard
though the WorldWideInterWebNetz grapevine that Pluto may be a planet
again. (The jury is still out on
Goofy.))))
Here, meanwhile, speaking of the
WorldWideInterWebNetz and the wisdom therein, is this, from an attractive young
SitOnMyFaceBook friend:
Unless you're an astronaut, you have free time.
In other news, We have seen exactly one of
the people named in today’s e-pissode naked.
For extra credit points, guess which one.
Meanwhile, Our Libra video is above, and here
is the link with which you may share it with both of your friends: http://youtu.be/I-sVEr84fyk?list=UUtq4ffsQ_xGu4T5NSA2HfaQ
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And
heeeeerrrre’s the HorrorScope:
In celebrity birthdays, Evan Longoria was
born today. Eva Longoria was not. Evan,
Eva…Eva, Evan…it’s Uma-Oprah for the new millennium. They (Eva Longoria and
Evan Longoria, that is) will be co-starring in a remake of A League Of Their Own.
It will no doubt surprise everyone that We
just made a (sort of) sports joke.
It is also Vladimir Putin’s birthday. Speaking of sports, ol’ Vladimir is a
champion Hokey-pokey player.
You put your left hand in, Putin, you put
your left hand out, you put your left hand in, Putin, and you shake it all
about…
It will no doubt surprise no one that We just
made a (sort of) fisting joke.
Also, Yo-Yo Ma.
Those jokes write their own selves.
Aries
Sleep will
elude you as you wrestle all night with existential questions of mortality and
meaning as well as a couple of random wrestlers.
Taurus
You'll
start to think the people who want you to choose between hugs and drugs have
set up a false dichotomy after discovering you can actually have both at once.
Gemini
Remember,
only you can give yourself permission to be happy, although the people in
charge of giving you permission to use the bathroom may have something to say
about that.
Cancer
You had no
idea the love life of the nuthatch was so vigorous, so obsessive, and so likely
to result in the death of people like yourself who just like to watch birds do
it.
Leo
You hate
the phrase "We're through the looking glass here, people," but you'll
have to use it anyway this week when you and a bunch of people go through a
looking glass.
Virgo
The stars
hate to be the ones to tell you, but the problem with you is certainly not that
you love too much.
Libra
People will
say you've hit a new low even for you, which is depressing, as they clearly
haven't been paying attention to a thing you've done.
Scorpio
You'll
score a bunch of great stereo equipment and furniture from your neighbors, who
happen to die when you go into their house and stab them and take all their
things.
Sagittarius
You'll
finally give in to a persistent coworker's desire to, as he puts it,
"spread you wide open, throw your feet up on the mantel, and really go to
town," but to your great dismay there seems to be sex involved.
Capricorn
You knew
that moving to the suburbs would expose you to a whole new kind of culture
shock, but you had no idea there were people who didn't get drunk to mow the
lawn.
Aquarius
Romance
will bloom in your sign this week, coating everything with a thin layer of
pollen and making a mess before germinating into the overripe and rotten fruit
of routine.
Pisces
There will
be no major changes in your life this week, which given the fires and
barracudas, is pretty terrible news.
Namaste, MotherFuckers.
In gaseousness,
Starzina Starfish-Browne
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think
of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say
(and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical)
ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our
Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better
by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
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Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys
Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of
the Penn rowing team.
