Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s!Periodic!Horoscope! for JustAnotherManiacallyManicuringManlyManateesInManchurianMantillasMonday,
July Sixst, 2015.
We find Ourselves (did YouPeople even realize
We had gone missing?) currently in the sign of Cancer, Our most recent video
for which is above. (Not a bove, which
We originally typed, but which makes no sense.
(As if that’s ever stopped Us before.)) Our very first Cancer video be
be low.
(B B King…oh, shut up.)
Lettuce get right to it, shall We? Happy birthday to Ty, who turns twenty-four
today somewhere in Greater Bostonia.
Also, happy birthday also to Our future
ex-husband The Lovely And Talented Justin, who also turns twenty-four today, for
the very first time, in, to the best of Our knowledge, The City That Loves You
(On Your) Back.
And now, We shall say “and now”
again. Also, in the time-honored
tradition (well, since February-or-so, anyway) of Eric’s!Periodic!Horoscope!,
We hereby wish Happy Belated Birthdays to the most-mouth-watering birthday
suits to have celebrated birthdays since last We e-pisstled. So, Happy
Belated Birthday to BoPeep, Brian, Chris, Ed, Greg, Jeff, Michael, and Nick.
And, last but not Lee
Strasberg, Happy Belated Birthday to Our other
future ex-husband The Lovely And Talented Ross, all the way out in WeHo El
Lay, as well as to The Lovely And Talented Sean, who is most likely not Our future ex-husband, but who IS one of the most beautiful people We
have ever seen in real life, and thus deserving of special mention. (We are now pixturing him blushing. We may have to pause to locate Our smelling
salts.)
Before We put paid to the subject of birthday wishes, We realized in
the course of writing this that, of the gentlemen wished Happy Birthdays above,
We have seen exactly ONE of them in his birthday suit.
What the hell is up with that? All of you
gentlemen whom We have NOT seen in
your birthday suits, please send Us pixtures of the birthdays suits in
question. (How many times do We need to repeat this until YouPeople realize
that We ARE NOT JOKING?)
As We mentioned earlier, We are
now, of course, in the sign of Cancer, Our video for which is a bove. (Heh.) And here, because it is also
brillllllliant, is Our original Cancer video, which was the very second video
We made:
Here are the links with which you may share those
videos with both of your friends:
https://youtu.be/p3cqsTuxavM
As
a Public Service to those of you who are nude here…er, new here, here is a link to Our previous e-pissode, which contains,
amongst other things, an amusing review of Fifty
Shades of Grey:
Today’s
e-pisstle will contain no movie reviews, amusing or otherwise. Because, ladies and genitals, today We are
here to BITCH.
On
the plus side, We didn’t write this e-pisstle whatever day that was last week
that We almost sat down to write it,
when it would have been nothing BUT bitching.
Fortunately
for YouPeople, We were pulled out of Our tailspin of bitchwitchery by a lovely
4th of July party on, as luck would have it, the 4th of
July. (Thanks, Catherine and Matt!)
So
We’re still gonna bitch, but We’re gonna bitch BRIEFLY. (You’re welcome.)
The
Murder Mystery Factory was cancelled due to lack of interest all weekend,
which, while it was lovely to have the days off, meant We didn’t make any money
for the weekend.
Speaking
of jawbs, We lost what should have been a sure-fire one last week, and We weren’t
even invited to the meeting where We could have cast a (losing) vote against
Our loss of same. We learned about Our loss
in a four-days-later response to a text We sent. (Classy, no?
Not, of course, as bad as the job We submitted for last fall, which We
learned We didn’t have this spring by reading
an article in the newspaper.)
You
know what? We’ve got a whole litany of
other crap that’s been dealt to Us, but We’re just gonna LET IT GO.
(Again,
you’re welcome.)
Moving
on, didja know that We have been e-pisstling e-pissodes of these e-pisstles in
one form or another since 2001? Every
scintillating e-pissode from 2005, for instance, (now TEN YEARS OLD) can be
found in charming dead-tree format here: http://www.lulu.com/shop/eric-singel/erics-daily-horoscope-2005/ebook/product-17475744.html
?
In celebrity birthday news, did anyone else
realize that Sylvester Stallone and George W. Bush were both born on the exact
same day (today, DUH)? They are each
sixty-nine. Burt Ward, of TV Batman fame, meanwhile, was born the
same day a year earlier, and thus is seventy.
(In lieu of a vulgar “sixty-nine” joke, lettuce imagine them all born on
the same day, in the same hospital, and being switched-at birth… thereby making
Rocky president, and putting Dumbya in leotards…)
Who’s got the mental floss?
Thank Gawd We didn’t stray from the point.
****************************************
Namaste, MotherFuckers.
In gaseousness,
Starzina Starfish-Browne
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think
of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say
(and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical)
ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our
Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better
by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
