I’d like to buy the world a Coke™…

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s!Periodic!Horoscope! for ThurstonHowellTheThird’sThirdThirstyThusdayThrowingUmaThurmanIntoThurgoodMarshall’sThermalUnderwear…what the fuck were We talking about again?

October Fifteenst, 2015.

We have not epistlized since August TwennyFifst.  Didja miss Us?  (Where’d all those crickets come from?)

We only stopped by today because it is, as you no doubt already know, Friedrich Nietzsche’s birthday.  Friedrich Nietzsche (or “Friedie”, as We like to call him) is the philosopher who announced that God is dead.  We decline to opine upon that proclamation, but We are fairly certain that We can all agree that Friedrich Nietzsche is dead.  Possibly because he shares a birthday with Penny Marshall.

In case you’ve missed an e-pissode, here is Our disclaimer explaining how We went from Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! to Eric’s!Periodic!Horoscope!  (We shall turn it blue, so avid Gentle Readers can skip past it.  Because We?  Have that power.):

Since We have switched from Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! to Eric’s!Periodic!Horoscope! (which means, of course, that We only e-pisstlize an e-pissode when We are having Our period (just kidding…if We e-pisstlized an e-pissode every time We were having Our period, it would be Eric’s!Quarter-Hourly!Horoscope!)), We have undergone some suBtler format changes as well.  For instance, We initially started keeping notes of Our daily dystopian debacles, so that We could complain all at once.  This concept quickly fell by the wayside, as We realized We were running the risk of alienating one or more of Our Gentle Readers (both of whom are very nice, if somewhat screed-averse).

So now, you will be getting a more bullet-pointed approach to Our world since last We e-pisstlized.  What’s more, We shall actually leave off complaining (no, not entirely) and include some GOOD things that might have happened to Us (albeit clearly by accident).

Now that THAT’S out of the way, We can move on to the birthday wishes.  Apparently, everyone from Aaron to Zach had a birthday today.  Seriously.  And, in what We imagine to be an Eric’s!Periodic!Horoscope! first, We are wishing a Happy Birthday to Gentle Readers in THREE (count ‘em, THREE) different countries.

So Happy Birthday to Aaron, who, unlike most Eric’s!Periodic!Horoscope! Gentle Readers does NOT turn twenty-four today. (In South Africa, mind you, but whatevs.)  He turns EIGHTEEN, so  it’s probably a good thing that We don’t know him personally.  More importantly, it’s probably a good thing that We don’t know him biblically.

Happy Birthday also to Cathy, who DOES turn twenty-four today, in some suburb called Chest Wester. Cathy is a lovely lady, but seriously, what kind of name for a suburb is Chest Wester? Chest Wester is clearly the name of the hero from a Harlequin romance novel, who raises horses, repairs antique cars, and plays lead guitar in a rock band on the weekends…

We’re sorry…were We still talking?  Where are Our smelling salts?

Happy Birthday also to Ian, who turns twenty-four today in Montreal, Quebec, Canada, which sounds like three different countries, but isn’t.

Also, Happy Birthday to Justin, who turns twenty-four today in El Lay, and to Michael and the aforementioned Zach, who turn twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.

The preceding folks are all Libras, as We have moved into that sign now.  Our Libra video is above (and IS safe for work); the link with which you may Cher it with your friends is:  https://youtu.be/XEd2UNc29Sk  (Naturally, We know you WON’T share it, but We have to try.)

Meanwhile, in the time-honored tradition (well, since February-or-so, anyway) of Eric’s!Periodic!Horoscope!, now that We are periodically periodic with periodicity, We have a lot of Belated Birthdays upon which to comment.  In the interest of keeping their numbers manageable, We have only been wishing Happy Belated Birthday to all of the hot gentlemen (in their hot birthday suits) who have celebrated their nativities (in their hot birthday suits) since last We e-pisstlized an e-pissode. We hereby wish Happy Belated Birthdays to the most-mouth-watering birthday suits to have celebrated birthdays since last We e-pisstled:

So, Happy Belated Birthday to Ron, Philip, Matt, Johnny, Jack, Charlie, Evan, Mikel, Mo’Niques, Michael, Patrick, Greg, Tyson, Lex, Gil, Richard, Skye, Jim, Noah,  Scott, Chad, Jake, Eric, Ben, Alex, Kevin, Tyler, Josh, Taylor, Ken, Jesse, and Steve.

Before We put paid to  the subject of birthday wishes, We realized in the course of writing this that, of all of the gentlemen wished Happy Birthday/Belated Birthday above, We have seen exactly FOUR  of them in their birthday suits.  (SIX if you count pictures and videos (and We DO)).

Which is much better than Our usual odds but still…what the hell is up with that? All of you gentlemen whom We have NOT seen in your birthday suits, please send Us pixtures of the birthdays suits in question. (How many times do We need to repeat this until YouPeople realize that We ARE NOT JOKING?) 

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We do have ACTUAL news going on:  We are directing a show called The Madness of Poe, which will be performed 10/23, 10/24, 10/30, and 10/31 at 7 at Strawberry Mansion, with a pay-what-you-will-dress at 7 on Thursday, 10/22.  And imagine if you will being Us early this afternoon, when one of the three actors in the show announced that he would be unable to do it (did We mention that it opens one week from today?)  Fortunately, We are now recast (kudos to Our producer, who accomplished same in exactly SIX MINUTES following the arrival of the news), so come see Us.

More info here: https://www.facebook.com/events/101485116876924/

Tickets here: 

http://events.r20.constantcontact.com/register/event?oeidk=a07ebl980cl3de82eee&llr=mw56b6dab

We have, meanwhile, to go learn lines for Our first (and, We hope, ONLY) appearance in Our third murder mystery at the Bistro Romano.  (You can’t get tickets to that, as it’s sold out…also, THREE YEARS…We’re not feeling that you’re exactly champing at the bit.)

We are certain there are many more things We should be sharing, but it is virtually tomorrow, so off this goes….

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As a Public Service to those of you who are nude here…er, new here, here is a link to a previous e-pissode, which contains, amongst other things, an amusing review of Fifty Shades of Grey: http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2015/06/i-put-spell-on-you.html .

Moving on, didja know that We have been e-pisstling e-pissodes of these e-pisstles in one form or another since 2001?  Every scintillating e-pissode from 2005, for instance, (now TEN YEARS OLD) can be found in charming dead-tree format here: http://www.lulu.com/shop/eric-singel/erics-daily-horoscope-2005/ebook/product-17475744.html ? 

Thank Gawd We didn’t stray from the point.

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Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

Won't you take me to Funkytown?

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for ThurstonHowellTheThird’sThirdThirstyThrowBackThursdayInThurgoodMarshall’sThermals, April 24^rd , 2014.

Happy Birthday to Richard, who turns twenty-four today in New York.  New York, New York.  The City That Doesn’t Sleep (With Us).  Happy Birthday also to Mark, who also turns twenty-four today, somewhere in New Jersey. We thought of Mark the other day, when he floated across Our SitOnMyFaceBook page…We haven’t seen him in forever, and were wondering if he’d ever realized his ambition of becoming a stripper.

Also, Happy Birthday to Rose, who also turns twenty-four today in Greater Bostonia.  And, last but not Lee Strasberg, Happy Birthday to Our sistah, Carol Ann Carol Ann, who also turns twenty-four today.  Somewhere in Pennsyltucky, allegedly called “Kunkletown”.  Of which We had never heard before. And which immediately made Us think of “Funkytown”.

Oh, shut up; you thought the same thing.

Don’t fight da funk.

In other news, please imagine that the never-ending kitchen renovation next door to OurHouseWhereWeLive is STILL going on, lo these many moons later.  These are ROW HOMES, people…the kitchens are about 12X12…how da fuq much renovatin’ can you renovate?

Switching gears, We now bring you An Inspirational Public Service Announcement:

If you are anything like We are, you sometimes struggle to maintain your positivity amidst the modern morass (more ass?  Yes, We’d love some more…)

(When an eel bites your heel while it’s copping a feel, that’s a moray…)

…what were We talking about?  Oh, yes…if you find yourself becoming pessimistic in the face of the bleakness of modern life, We have stumbled recently across a new mantra which will have you chirping like The Bluebird Of Happiness in no time.  Yes, indeedy-doo, ladies and genitals, just a few repetitions of this one simple phrase and you will see the glass as half full, the grass as greener in your dime bag, and the only darkness before The Donny and Marie Show. (We have no idea what that last bit meant, but bear with Us.)

Repeat this one simple phrase to believe that All Things Are Possible:

Academy Award™-Winner Marisa Tomei

In other news, We are awaiting with bated breath (because We are nothing if not a master breath-bater) the arrival of Our birthday gift of tickets to see Hedwig and the Angry Inch starring Neil Patrick Harris and Lina Wertmuller…

In still other news, please Save The Dates for Thursday, May 8^th, for the next installment of The Walker and O’Dare Radio Mystery Hour at the Powel House, and Saturday, May 10^th, as the WaitStaff will be playing The Mother of All Match Games at L’Etage.  More on that story as it develops, but inside sources tell Us that Jesus H. Christ’s celebrity chair will be taken by His Mother, Mrs. Mary MotherOfGod! You won’t want to miss THAT!

We suddenly find Ourselves (not that We were looking for Us, but it’s a figger of speech) in the sign of Taurus, Our video for which is above, and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends:

http://youtu.be/iGNw4zF7MSs

Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is Our previous Taurus video, which is somewhat of a fillum noir, if you will. (Or even if you won’t…since when is it all about you?):

And here’s the HorrorScope:

Your social connections make life more vibrant — and less treacherous — on a day like today.  (Oh, please.  We haven’t had a “social connection” in years.  Although kudos for “vibrant” and “treacherous” in the same sentence.)

It’s easier than ever for you to see through to the heart of the matter when you’re dealing with emotions.  (Matterheart, Matterhorn, Matterheart, Matter-a-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha…)

(Sorry.)

Why does it seem so much easier for you to believe that something bad can happen, but so much more difficult to trust in your good fortune?  (Repeat after Us:  Academy Award™-Winner Marisa Tomei.)

That’s the big question you’re facing right now.  (Was that a fat joke?)

You’ve got great potential, but in order to really see it through, you need to believe not only that you have it, but that the universe needs to see you shine.  (This little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine…)

(That lyric totally doesn’t work in The Royal We…)

(This little light of Ours, We’re drinking whiskey sours…)

(Oh, wait; never mind.  It works perfectly.)

(Carry on.)

Don’t just question your surroundings (Why not?)

(Heh…see what We did there?)

— question yourself!  (But if We question Ourself, but there’s no one here to see Us talking to Ourself, are We still crazy?  (That’s like the age-old question, if Helen Keller falls down in a forest, is there sound?  (Except without the deaf, dumb, and blind girl.  (Also without the mean pinball.)))

Don’t hang out on your own today.  (Hang out with your wang out, rock out with your cock out…nope, We got nothin’)

You’re sure to feel better about a recent problem if you’ve got your people around to ease the tension.  (Um, as We just said, Helen Keller, forest, sound.  Academy Award™-Winner Marisa Tomei.)

(Why can We not make these bullets go away?)

Bounce a few ideas off those who have been there for you. (Which part of “all alone” is unclear to you?)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.