Sensitivity, sensitivity, I’m just loaded with that

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Friday, November 9st, 2012.  Happy birthday to Keith, who turns twenty-four today somewhere in The City That LovesYou (On Your ) Back.  Happy birthday also to his birthday suit.  And Happy Birthday In Advance Harem Pants Vivian Vance to OurMizLOretta, who turns twenty-four tomorrow.  And And Sally Rand Salivary Gland, Happy Birthday In Advance Paris France Judith Krantz to Our MizCathy, who turns twenty-four on Sunday.  Which also happens to be Veterans Day.  Which is fitting, as, around here, We are certainly all veterans at turning twenty-four.

How many of you are now pixturing Keith’s birthday suit?  And you don’t even know who he is.  Perverts.

There was in-dippity-deed a great deal of Tourettes syndrome going on in that first paragraph, was there not?  It’s a good thing none of it was fucking vulgar.

(If you dippity-don’t know what “dippity” is dippity-doing in that sentence, then you have been nakedly skimming this week, and shame on you.  (Hopefully, you’ve been dippity-doing it in your own birthday suit, and not Keith’s, because that would seem to be a whole Silence of the Lambs issue…))

(Random aside:  people are actually NAMED “Otto”?)

In other news, having quoted Once Upon A Mattress earlier in the week, We had one of Our long, involved, epic dreams last night in which We were directing that show.  Many of Our gentlemen friends were in it, and were being driven to distraction by either the musical director or the choreographer (or possibly both), who was a real bastard (or possibly two bastards). We won’t bore you with the entire tale, except to say that, if Our brain had a USB port, We could keep several cable networks in material 24/7/365.

The key thing to know, in case you happen to be having commitment papers drawn up for Us, is that, at one point, We were, for some reason, shopping for a striped shirt so We could dress up as a referee. Our search having proved fruitless, We went home to Our closet where We found a striped shirt that We had bought in a dream the night before.

(Insert Rod Serling’s penis playing the Twilight Zone theme on the zither here.)

(Ouch.)

Meanwhile, here is Our Once Upon A Mattress joke:

“We Have An Opening For A Princess”…shouldn’t that be the other way around?

(Wait for it…THERE ya go.  (Speaking of fruitless, is there anything LESS fruitless than a musical theatre joke?))

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Here is the link with which you would share Our new Time of the Month Horoscope video with your friends, if you were (subjunctively) so inclined.  Like the plane. http://youtu.be/UiJLA4MRNNg .  Enjoy!

Speaking of complete non sequiturs (as opposed, presumably, to the incomplete kind), here is last year’s Scorpio video to compare with this year’s (see above):

Here’s the HorrorScope:

It is Eric Dane’s birthday.  Apparently, We do not watch enough television. (In unrelated news, how proud of Us are you for doing whole paragraphs on Once Upon A Mattress without a single Sarah Jessica Parker joke?)

Try not to rush too hard today — things need to come and go on their own. (So, wait…if We speak sternly to the dustbunnies, will they just leave?)

(We always think it’s so cute how Micro$oft Weird™ refuses to recognize “dustbunnies” as a word. As if they DON’T spy on OurHouseWhereWeLive through this computer…)

 You should be able to deal with it all, even if you have to wait a bit in between flurries of activity. (No flurries today, Bay-Bee!  50s today, 60s tomorrow!  (Chilly today, hot tamale!  (Who said that?)))

Sometimes you have to let go.  (Other times, you have to clench.)

(What?)

If you can’t see the finish line in the near distance, don’t get frustrated — turn around!  (Don’t shoot till you see the white of their birthday suit.)

(That just came (heh) to Us.  Pretty good, no?)

There you will see it, miles behind you. (So what you’re saying is, We already crossed the finish line, but We are still running, because nobody TOLD Us We already crossed the finish line?  Way to have no friends, Us.)

You have been going at such a furious clip for so long, than you may very well have eclipsed your original goal.  (Does anyone else find the use of “clip” and “eclipsed” in that sentence odd?)

(That should be “Dippity-does anyone…”  Also, Our brilliant new saying from earlier should be “Dippity- don’t shoot till you see the white of their birthday suit.”)

(You folks who are pixturing Keith’s tanlines now really need to quit…We dippity-done TOLE you, you dippity-don’t know who he is.)

(Oh, sure, Micro$oft Weird™…now “tanlines” isn’t a word.  Have you SEEN Keith’s birthday suit?)

You could just keep going on to the next milestone, but the stars say it’s time for you take a break. (But which stars exactly?  Eric Bana?  Sarah Jessica Parker?  Vivian Vance? Judith Krantz?)

Stop this forward momentum for a while and just enjoy where you are in life — it’s a heck of a nice place!  (And it has the fluffiest dustbunnies!)

Why give into your usual mundane activities when you can inject some excitement into your life? (Just by sitting on the lap of Keith’s birthday suit.)

Reject the norm (Who is this “Norm”, and why are We rejecting him?)

and do something totally different you’ve always wanted to try. (How about success?  Or did We mention sitting on the lap of Keith’s birthday suit?)

Be adventurous in dating, loving and living.  (Unfortunately, all of Our dating is carbon-dating. And the only way We have a love-life is in the tennis sense.)

                           

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

Bet I’ll have you naked by the end of this song

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Halloween (oooooh, scaaaaarrryyyy!), October 31, 2011.  Actually, the scariest thing about Halloween this year is that We are reasonably sure it was just August about a nanosecond ago, and suddenly it is virtually November.  We are not, how-you-say, amused.

Of course, the big story around these parts this morning is the arrival of Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: SCORPIO video, complete with a Very Special Guest Appearance by boyband-heartthrob-turned-thespian, Mister Justin Timberlake, with his dramatic interpretation of a monologue from the sequel to the Oscar™-winning Daniel Day-Lewis fillum, My Left Foot, which is cunningly entitled My Right Tit. This is not-to-be-missed, people, and please share it with your friends:

Here is the link with which you can do the aforementioned sharing thing:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yzWPpMcE_go

 Your friends will no doubt be as amazed as you are about Mister Timberlake’s celebrity cameo.  Of course, SCORPIO being Our sixth installment, We are now being deluged with requests to appear by all manner of celebrities who are attempting to jump on Starzina’s bandwagon. (Ahem.)  But We want to hear from YOU, Our Faithful Gentle Readers.  Perhaps one of you has an idea for a Special Guest Appearance in an upcoming Time Of The Month Horoscope.  Do please drop Us a line or

leave Us a comment and let Us know.

In other news, there was some manner of glitch in Bloggonia, whereby Our Google-O-Meter™ would have Us believe that not a single living soul read Our Friday epistle. (Link to said epistle here for your convenience:  http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2011/10/bermuda-bahama-come-on-dalai-lama.html ).  This seems well-nigh impossible to Us, as the self-same Google-O-Meter™ informs Us that forty people have read the infamous Charlene Tilton episode, and that people stumbling upon Us by searching “Charlene Tilton” continue to pour in.  So, if you read the Friday episode prior to reading this, and would be kind enough to let Us know, We are saying “ta very much” in advance in Our pants Judith Krantz Vivian Vance.

And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for:  Justin Bieber’s manager says, “Vocally, his balls have dropped”.  No, really; he SAID that.  Now, if you can make it past Justin Bieber’s balls, here’s the HorrorScope:  (We, meanwhile, are wondering if there’s some way to go out trick-or-treating tonight dressed as Justin Bieber’s balls.)

Have faith in yourself — it’s all you need in order to get things done today. (See, sometimes people say “believe in yourself”, which is very difficult to do when One is imaginary… but this “have faith in yourself” business gives One all sorts of clever ideas.  We could found Our very own organized religion!  The Church of Starzinology!  And then, We could stop paying taxes!  And buy Our very Own Republican presidential candidate!  Think of the fun We could have!)

Your energy is just right for making big leaps (Really?  Not so much.)

and getting others to do the same. (There are, naturally, any number of people We’d like to tell to take a flying leap.)

You can do this, no matter how it seems.  (Impossible!  For a plain yellow pumpkin to become…oh, sorry.  You were probably trying to forget today’s second Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Justin Bieber’s Balls.  Too bad, so sad, anal sex with your dad.)

The faster you try to go today, the less ground you’ll be able to cover.  (In keeping with Friday’s Pennsylvania Dutch lesson (see what you miss when you skip a day?), the preceding sentence is actually a much succincter (rhymes with sphincter) Pennsylvania Dutch adage, to wit: “The hurrier you go, the behinder you get.”  Of course, if some of Us get any behinder, We won’t fit out Our front door.)

The stars are urging you to enjoy where you are in life, (That’s certainly what Justin Timberlake said when he was here.  Well, after he stopped laughing about Justin Bieber’s balls.)

and not to be too focused on the future. (Actually, I’m pretty sure he said not to be too fucked up on the futon.)

So right now you need to slow down. (Also, turn your head and cough, Justin Bieber.)

Just relax already!  (This space reserved for a “Justin Bieber prostate exam” joke.)

Spend some time today enjoying the material rewards of your hard work. (‘Cause We?  Are living in the material world, and We are a material girl.  However, there are precious few “material rewards” for Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscope.   It’s a labour of love, people.  Especially since YouBitches won’t pass it along and help Us go viral.  (We know.  But, on the plus side, at least We had the decorum to put “labour of love” and “YouBitches” in two separate sentences.  (On the plus siZe, We are growing behinder by the second.)))

Take your car for a pleasure drive, for instance, or plug in your headphones and listen to a new album.  (Or juggle Justin Bieber’s balls.  (Hey, that’s every bit as likely as the other two.))

Sooner or later, you’re destined to find the best approach in seducing someone special. (Oh, great.  After all this time, We’re finally gonna have sex, and it’s gonna be with a ‘tard.)

But for now, practice your basic flirting skills. (Because Our basic farting skills? Are already honed to a fine point.)

Smile and let your charm do all the work.  (Wait a minute…We have charm?  It can do work?  Let’s send that mofo out to get a damn JAWB, already!)

(Halloween being half over already, We shall be spending the rest of the day writing a Christmas carol about Justin Bieber’s balls.)

 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

                            

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

Roll me in designer sheets, I’ll never get enough

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for  Frito-Lay-Bets-You-Can’t-Eat-Just-One-And-Oddly-Enough-They’re-Not-Talking-About-Dicks, October 21, 2011.  So, happy Friday, kidz.  Funny how this week seemed so short, and yet last week seemed so long. (Farewell, auf wiedersehn, goodbye.) Not, of course, so much “funny: ha-ha” as “funny: nobody ever got BOTH hands up there before”.

As you can see, We’ve totally got nothing today.  In fact, We venture to say, We’ve got PLENTY of nothing, and nothing’s plenty for We.  But Happy Rapture Day, y’all.  Or should We say, Happy Rapture Re-run Day.  We were GOING to ascend directly into Heaven, but We couldn’t figure out what to pack.  Is it cold there this time of year?  Because that hardly seems like Heaven to Us.  We’re pretty sure We haven’t a THING to wear.  And don’t tell Us One doesn’t need clothes in Heaven.  Because looking at all y’all nekkid doesn’t sound like Heaven to Us, neither.  Judging from some of your faces, your birthday suits need pressing.

Oh, well.  Maybe that prune-faced old bible beat-off got his date wrong.  Again.  Ya think?  He’ll no doubt just reschedule.  And yet, the wingnut whackadoodles who want these lunatics to take over the gummint will continue to campaign.  Sigh.

It’s really just as well We won’t be having the Rapture today.  There are only so many Blondie jokes One can make.  (There are, on the other hand, any number of Dagwood jokes.  And don’t get Us started on Mister Dithers.)

That right there was a little bait-and-switch comedy.  You thought We were gonna do Debbie Harry jokes, and We went all Penny Singleton on your asses.  That, of course, is because there ARE no Debbie Harry jokes.

(Our old folks readers are all like, “Who the fuck is Debbie Harry?”  Meanwhile, all of Our readers under the age of a hundred and two are all like, “Who the fuck is Penny Singleton?”  Because We?  Are an equal-opportunity “who-the-fuck-er”.)

(With a fuck-fuck here, and a fuck-fuck there, here a fuck, there a fuck, everywhere a fuck-fuck… Who-The-Fuck-er had a farm, EE-YI-EE-YI-OH.)

(Nothing like a little sing-along first thing in the morning, is there?)

In other other news, Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscope: Libra is winding into its final days; you can either click to watch it here:

 

 or share this link with your friends with Libra birthdays:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XEd2UNc29Sk

Soon, We will be entering Scorpio.  (Scorpio loves when We do that.  Especially with no warning.)  But first, the HorrorScope:

Today should feel like an adventure (Sometimes you feel like Our nuts; sometimes you don’t.)

— and you are the hero, of course!  (We?  Are the heroine.  But not, unfortunately, the heroin.  Because clearly, We are an easy habit to kick. (In Our universe, the phrase “kick the habit” was coined because who doesn’t hate nuns?))

It’s a great time to say hello to a new love interest or to shift gears and start off in an entirely new direction.  (We would shift gears, but We cannot drive a stick.  And this?  Is a dirty, dirty analogy.  Slut.)

You’re going to be very quick on your feet today, (Also light in Our loafers.)

which means your reaction time will be fast — but will it be too fast?  (That depends…how many habits do We have to kick?)

Think out every move you make, carefully and methodically. (These things must be done delicately.)

(We are now pixturing Margaret Hamilton on a Woolite™ commercial.)

(Are We going too fast for you?)

 Like a championship chess player, you should anticipate other people’s moves and stay several steps ahead.  (The way things are going these days, We’d be lucky to be a championship Candyland™ player.)

This isn’t a competitive thing; (It’s a black thang; you wouldn’t understand, yo.)

 it’s a time-saving thing. (Will Our time earn interest?  Because, so far, it’s not very interesting.)

You don’t want to do something that you’ll just end up having to do again a few days from now, do you?  (That depends.  Are We talking “re-grout the bathroom” or “sex with Johnny Depp”?)

 Today be gracious towards friends who want to set you up on a date. (Shut the front door!  Who are these “friends”, and why do they never call to set up these dates?)

 Even though blind dates can be nerve-wracking, (Especially when they try to light your cigarettes for you.)

(Wait for it…THERE ya go!)

you never know when you might meet your next big romance by chance. (Wearing pants in France with Vivian Vance.)

Your pals know you best, so let them have a chance to prove their Cupid capabilities. (Oh, dear.  Not Cupid stunts, AGAIN…)

 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

Would you verb my noun-noun?

Greetings, Extruded Ribcage Impedes Cribbage---

Here is your horoscope for Wednesday, August 25, 2010 (You will notice (the two of you who pay any attention, that is) that We have once again skipped right over Tuesday. That is because We are campaigning for a new week, the structure of which is Monday-Wednesday-Friday-Friday-Saturday-Saturday-Sunday.  Every third Monday is a national holiday, and all Fridays are half days.  Due to the confusion this may engender over the location of Hump Day, every day will now be Hump Day, so hump away, harlots!):

(Of course, We wouldn’t hold Our breath waiting for this campaign to work, as We can’t even get people to spread the word about a four-minute video:

)

(Here is some random publicity from the Philly Weekly for the upcoming WaitStaff show in the 2010 Philly Fringe Festival, The Real Housewives of South Philly: http://www.philadelphiaweekly.com/news-and-opinion/College-101-A-Students-Guide-to-Navigating-Philly.html?page=2&comments=1&showAll=   Also, you should know that WaitStaff Fringe shows traditionally sell out, so you will want to get your tickets in advance in your pants in France Vivian Vance.)

(What just happened?  (Apparently, We can’t even do Tourette’s Syndrome properly.  Fu(king motherfu(kers.  (Heh.  See what We did there?)))

(Do you want to hear about the dream in which We mistook Eurotrash for g@ys, or the dream in which We visited Our old apartment, where the new tenants were celebrating Christmas in August?  Here’s some further information to help you decide:  in one of them, the punchline, in Our best Robert Mitchum/William Holden voice, is “A week ago Thursday”, and, in the other one, We are n@ked.)

(We’ll just be waiting right here for your decision. (Or for an explanation of why Micro$oft Weird™ doesn’t recognize “punchline” as word.))

 (Our Our-O-Scope:)

You won't be able to contain your 'enthusiasm,' no matter how you try (Just Our luck: one more thing We’re gonna hafta clean up.)

-- and that enthusiasm may be interpreted by less enlightened souls (Less enlightened, are they? Where the hell’s Our flamethrower?)

as impatience, arrogance or outright aggressiveness. (Or possibly insouciance, aspidistra, or HassenPfeffer Incorporated.  Also, what the fu(k are you talking about, Kelli?)

(We just this minute received email from a WorldWideInterWebNetzian dating site.  The subject line was “Eric, Are You Insane?”  Some clue as to the answer would be that Our first thought was, “Why all the capital letters?”)

Fortunately, you won't care. (Now there’s a newsflash.)

Not one little bit. (Nor a whit.  Nor a nit.  Nor a spit of sh1t on yer tit, silly git.)

(What?)

Try not to stick out your tongue when you win the door prize.  (Surely We cannot be the only one who has no earthly clue what the preceding sentence could possibly be expected to mean.)

Step away from the computer, (And what?  Finish this horoscope via telepathy?)

and the person you've been IMing who's definitely, absolutely, positively the love of your life. (Yeah. Okay.  Whatevs.)

Or at least insist on a very, very recent photo. (Of what?)

 It takes two sticks at the right angles to create sparks (Also, it takes two d1cks at right angles to create spunk.  Also also, it takes two hands to handle a Whopper™. (Which is, come (heh) to think of it, just another way of saying the same thing.))

-- or two opposing views, spoken by adamantly uncompromising individuals. (Good old adverbial Adam Ant.)

(That one may sneak up on a few of you…wait for it.  THERE ya go!)

Either way, the end result is the same -- heat!   (That’s the same thing that happens when you mistake your Icy-Hot™ for your Preparation H™.)

 (Your Euro-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com

it’s not just cow, it’s grass)