Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherMadCowMonday, October 28rd,
2013. Happy Birthday to Deb, who turns
twenty-four today. In WeHo. Well, possibly just in El Lay, but We prefer
to imagine that everyone We know who lives in El Lay lives in WeHo. We’re funny like that. Not, of course, so much “funny: ha ha” as “funny,
that freezer was never full until the neighbors started disappearing”.
Happy Birthday also to Soi, who also turns
twenty-four today. In Hollywood. Not WeHo, though…Hollywood, FLORIDA. Which is just confusing. So We guess that would be SoHo. Except there’s already Soho in New York, and
Soho in London…
Happy Belated Birthday, meanwhile, to Celeste
and Cheez-Its, each of whom turned twenty-four this past weekend, somewhere
geographical.
So many birthdays, so little cake. Sigh.
This is, of course, the time of year when the
entire universe is busy turning against Us.
(It being, naturally, All. About. Us. (Screw that Eve chick.)) The days are rapidly getting shorter, and the
weather is getting more disgustingly cold by the second. So this is really not the time to have an
impromptu water main break on War-Torn Warnock Street, and turn off Our water
for the night.
Also, when We call up WaterWorld, or whatever
governmental department is in charge of such things, We really do not need to
be kept on hold for-fucking-EVER.
Especially if you’ve had time to make a recording to tell Us that, “due
to an exceptionally high call volume tonight, it may take some time to answer your
call”, when you COULD have made a recording that said, “water service to
War-Torn Warnock Street is expected to return at blankety-fuck o’clock; in the
meantime, drink vodka”.
Also also, when Sucretia and Epiphany’s
second cousin thrice removed, Mitochondria, finally answers the phone, We do
not need her to give Us attitude and say, “there is no one here who can tell
you when service will be returned; you need to go outside and talk to the crew”,
because, of all the stupid things We have done, are doing, and are still going
to do in Our life, “going outside to talk to the crew” is not one of them.
KThxBye.
In still other news, even after Picturing
Allen And Kevin Naked Week, and Picturing Peter’s Peter Week, and What’s In
OurThreeSons’ Jeggings? Week With A Side Of Sext From Lex, We are still waiting
vainly by Our rotary phone for so much as one sext. We’d accept even a dyslexic sext, at this
point…a dyslexic sext being, naturally, one in which you clock out with your
rocks out.
Or wang out in your hangout.
Everybody Wang Chung tonight.
It’s like We’re losing Our mind…
Changing gears, The Little Show That Could, LOOKING
FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour , will
be returning for one night only on Sunday, November 10 at 7:30 at L’Etage. Get your tickets here: http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/499391 . Dammit.
And
here is the HorrorScope:
Google
would like Us to know that it is Edith Head’s 116th birthday. We are guessing that’s more cake We’re not
going to have. Perhaps We’ll just go have
some Very Special Brownies with Joaquin Phoenix.
Meanwhile,
it is getting later by the second here at Casa de Curmudgeon, and We were
looking for a way to expedite Our usual
call-and-response with AssHatt Kelli’s horoscope, when We discovered that today’s
hrosocpe digest said this:
“If you’ve got kids, today is all
about them — even more so than usual. The good news is that your energy is in
sync with little ones. If you don’t have any, find a friend who does and offer
to babysit.”
Seriously? Have you MET Us? Peace out, Bee-yotch.
Namaste, MotherFuckers.
In gaseousness,
Starzina Starfish-Browne
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but
better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For
real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good
friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our
Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better
by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
