She’s comin’ up from behind

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Monday, September Tenf, 2012.Happy birfday to Our granddaughter, Mo’Niques, who turns twenty-four today.  People frequently ask Us such questions as “How is it possible that both you and your granddaughter are twenty-four?”  To which We respond, “Blah-blah-blah time machine, blah-blah-blah credenza, you’re nakedly skimming this crap and that’s the best question you can come up with?  Whatevs.”

The preceding has inspired Us to imagine that perhaps We should add an FAQ section around here.  Perhaps more people would tune in more faithfully if We had a section devoted to Fierce African Queens.

So on Friday and Saturday, We played The Match Game in front of sold-out  houses.  (We just had to check the spaces in that last bit.  Because “sold-out  houses” and “sold-outhouses” are not at all the same thing.)  If We are selling out this early in the run (and We are), it means you need to get your tickets yesterday, if not sooner.  Here is where you can do that:

http://livearts-fringe.ticketleap.com/real-housewives-of-south-philly-play-match-game/#view=calendar .

Those of you who are fans of Our Sistah Ovella, aka Bob Mason, will want to mark your calendars that he will be playing Mister Charles Nelson Reilly at this Wednesday’s 7:30 and 9:30 shows.

Here is what the City Paper reviewer had to say about Our little epic:  http://www.citypaper.net/blogs/criticalmass/FRINGE-REVIEW-Real-Housewives-of-South-Philly-Play-Match-Game-.html

And here is Our Own Personal most recent claim to fame: http://marcharshbarger.blogspot.com/2012/09/groovy-reader-of-month-eric-singel.html

Here is last year’s Virgo video, just in case you prefer a bit of naked angel with your morning horoscope:

Here’s the HorrorScope:

Well, no wonder the sun is shining so brightly this morning…it’s Ryan Phillippe’s birthday as well.  Save Us a frosting rosebud offa THAT birthday cake, wouldja, Hon?

(Did that sound dirty to you?  Because, trust Us, We meant it in the dirtiest way possible.)

                                                                                                    

You are reacting to outside stimulation today (Well, duh.  It’s not like We ever get any inside stimulation.)

— maybe a little too much so, but not so much that you need to worry about the consequences. (But do We need to worry about da troof?  (You can’t handle da troof!  (That was Our Jack Nicholson impression.  If Jack Nicholson were, subjunctively, ya know, black.  Black Jack Nicholson.  (As opposed, of course, to Jack Black Nicholson, which would be Jack Black’s name if he married Jack Nicholson.  Why he would do that when neither of them is gay, We haven’t got any idea, but the whackadoodle wingnuts will tell you that Barack Obama is “forcing” gay marriage on the country, so there ya go.  (We now have a phonetically phunny paragraph containing the words “Jack”, “Black”, and “Barack”, but it is only actually phunny if you mispronounce “Barack”.  Or if you pronounce the other words as “Jock” and “Block”.  We have no idea, however, who the hell Jock Nicholson is.)))

Soon it will be the world’s turn to react to you!  (We can turn the world on with Our smile!  We can take a nothing day, and suddenly make your grandma senile!)

It’s time to roll up your sleeves and dive on into something new. (Ryan Phillippe, here We come!  (Geronimo!))

Your energy is higher than it has been in a long while, and today is a great day to make the most of it. (What, it’s not Monday where you are?)

Whether you choose something as challenging as a new household renovation, or something as sedentary as a thick new bestselling novel, you’ll make a lot of progress today. (Did that strike anyone else as a very peculiar “either-or”?  How out of place was the word “sedentary”?  And what about Naomi?)

(If you knew “and what about Naomi”?  You are very old.  But NOT very, VERY old.)

Even if you don’t get out of the preliminary planning stages, you’ll still be well-positioned for a successful outcome.  (If there were (subjunctively) a coupppple more PPPPPs in that sentence, it would really ppppoppppp.)

Not feeling really great? (Yeah, We’re not feeling so much Catherine the Great as We are Catherine Deneuve.  On the plus side, We won’t be getting fucked by a horse.  (Although Ryan Phillippe…))

Take it easy. (Trust Us, We are as easy as it gets.)

No one said you had to be in tip-top shape all the time.  (No one said a lot of things, but it doesn’t make them any less true.)

Do something low-key this evening, (Ol’ Man Ribber…)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

then get plenty of rest and start fresh tomorrow.  (Are you insinuating that We have that Not-So-Fresh feeling?)

 

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

Who is that b1tch, hollering “CLOWNS!”?

Greetings, Enterprising Renter Inflates Condom-inium---


Here is your horoscope for Monday, June 14, 2010 (Happy Fag Day, y’all! (What? Oh. Never mind.)):


(OhMyDearz, what a busy, active, jam-packed, fun-filled weekend We’ve had! Why, We barely even know where to start.)


(Our Our-O-Scope.)


(Heh. That was a little humor there.)


(Here is a little story about Hollywood. (Parenthetically (hence the parentheses), We wish We could find an article that We read around the finale of Lost, which was all about how the movies have become so dumbed-down that people are deserting them for serial (mostly cable) television.):


(Once upon a time, Hollywood accidentally gave an Oscar™ to Some Ugly Guy for appearing in some Holocaust movie. Because there can never be enough of THOSE, ya know; they’re practically The New Western. Said Ugly Guy thus continued to hang about Hollywood, accumulating, according to Wikipedia, a resume of roles he was considered for but did not play. He did not, for instance, play Spock in the latest Star Trek Wars, nor did he play the Joker in the latest Batman. He did, however, get cast as one of the titular (heh…We love that word) brothers in The Brothers Bloom, which has been lying about Our living room waiting to be seen for months now. (You will have guessed, from the plural “Brothers” that there were more than one. There were two, in fact. The second one was less ugly. But more potato-like. (We are avoiding using their names in the hope that, if We don’t name them, they’ll go away.) The female love interest? Had Asperger’s syndrome. (The character, not (presumably) the actress.) Because THAT’S hot. ) Fifteen minutes into the thing, We were able to predict the entire rest of the movie. We did not, however, WATCH the entire rest of the movie, as We turned it off when the leading “lady” was forced to utter something akin to the following: “You are constipated in your fu(king soul.” And the Oscar™ for Best Screenplay goes to…)


(In other cultural news, We dropped by the Tony™s briefly last night. Because We? Are g@y. (Not that there’s any evidence of that.) We were forced to turn THAT off when Catherine Zeta-Jones, who We were unaware had a speech impediment, took a hatchet to Send in the Clowns. She sang it much as though she were (subjunctively) Patti LuPone. Singing The Star-Spangled Banner. On the deck of the Titanic. As if her being the twin that had the Toni™ depended on it. Gad!)


It will be all too easy for you to get exactly what you want -- and to give your dear ones exactly what they want, too. (Mmm-hmm. Unicorns farting cinnamon-scented rainbows all around! And an extra-well-hung unicorn for Catherine-the-Great-a-Zeta-Jones! (Has it really been an entire month since We’ve done a Catherine the Great joke? (Come on and blow Gabriel, blow!))


(That was a Patti LuPone callback joke, combined with a very suBtle punctuation joke. And if ya think THAT’S funny, you should hear Our knock-knock joke about knockers.)


Does this mean you'll be in a Santa frame of mind? (That depends…is “sliding down the chimney” a euphemism?)


Maybe. (She sees Us when We’re sleeping, she knows when We’re awake…)


Who cares when the goodies arrive, as long as they arrive? (I saw Goodies Arrive with the Devil.)


(That was a little Creussical: The Musical joke. For the Arthur Miller fans in the house.)


It's not your imagination. (So We were just imagining that it was Our imagination?)


You're due for some recognition -- and for that, it's definitely about time. (Is that recognition accompanied by remuneration? ‘Cause seriously, folks…)


Have that meeting with the powers that be as soon as possible. (We’ll get right on that.)


They want to help. (Mmm-hmm. Folks can’t even answer Our emails, and We’re expected to believe somebody wants to help Us.)


All you have to do is show up with yet another brilliant idea. (Drive-thru wh0rehouse.)


(What? BRILLLLLLLLiant!)


(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:






http://www.humorscope.com




which twin has the cowgrass?)

Wild, wild horses couldn’t drag me away

Greetings, Equine Romance Involving Catherinethegreat---


Here is your horoscope for Wednesday, May 26, 2010 (Happy Hump The Horsie Day! Originally, Our “Greetings” read “Equine Romance Involving Catherine”, but We changed “Catherine” to “Catherinethegreat” lest the non-historically savvy amongst you think We were calling OurCatherine a horsefu(ker. We do not generally call people horsefu(kers unless We stumble upon them in the actual act of fu(king (or being fu(ked by) a horse. (Pigfu(ker, on the other hand, We tend to call people with reckless abandon, no matter who or what they are or are not fu(king (or being fu(ked by) at the moment. And don’t even get Us STARTED on roachfu(kers, as We could tell stories about a roach motel that would curl your hair.) OurCatherine is, of course, a Faithful Reader of Eric’s Daily Horoscope AND an ardent WaitStaff fan…who could ask for anything more? (Apropos of nothing, Catherine, are you working at the restaurant on Sunday?)):


(Whew! That’s a whole lotta stuff about b3stiality! (I used to be into S&M, necrophilia, and bestiality, but then I realized I was just beating a dead horse.))


(We just love that joke, and We haven’t told it in such a long time. (So didja miss Us yesterday? We spent the day being ssssssssensitive at the Independence Visitors Center, teaching tourist wranglers to handle The G@ys, then We spent the evening being focussssed, with a group. Heigh-ho, the glamorous life! (Who you callin’ “ho”?)))


(Speaking of hos, horses, and horsehumping hos, We just Googled “Catherine the Great” on Wikipedia to be sure We had fully exhausted the horsefu(king subject. We were somewhat taken aback to discover that, after typing “Catherine”, Catherine Zeta-Jones had a higher Google ranking than Catherine the Great. What is this world coming to when some two-bit actress gets more attention than a woman who was Empress of Russia and a champion horsefu(ker?)


(This just in, from British punk rock band Male Bonding. You won’t see a band from THIS side of the pond making a video like this any time soon. )


(Our Our-O-Scope.)


You can buy a lucky horseshoe (But who would fu(k a horse with only three shoes? Doesn’t sound very lucky to Us.)


or toss a coin in the wishing well, (Is Kelli reading Our mail?)


but you really don't have to. (But what if We already did? Since you waited the whole way to the end of the sentence to tell Us We didn’t have to. B1tch.)


Luck is on your side already, (Luck is also being a lady tonight. Of course, Luck may have never been a lady to begin with, so if Luck’s being a lady tonight, We are thinking that Luck is a drag queen. Wonder if Frank Sinatra ever figgered THAT out?)


(For Our str8 boi readers, that was a little musical theatre joke, based on lyrics from Guys and Dolls, and…oh, never mind.)


and there'll be no turning it away, provided you don't let yourself be enticed by something -- or someone -- that's not legit. (Leggit my eggit.)






If it's strictly taboo, (We’ve already had horsefu(king, pigfu(king, and roachfu(king; how much more taboo do you want We should get?)


completely forbidden or something that no one you're related to would even consider for a millisecond, you'll be game -- if not eager -- to try it. (You had Us confused there for a second. Because “g@y if not meager” was Our nickname in high school. But, on closer examination, that’s not what you said. Moving on.)


Stop worrying about it. (We said, “moving on.” Do you not listen?)


Every now and then, it's time to give in to total hedonism. (Funny, that’s what the horse said.)


(We would make a Mister Ed joke, but then you would think We were old.)


So go ahead. (Suddenly, there’s a whole new meaning to “horse head in your bed.”)


(Heh. We kill Us.)


Eat, drink and make merry. (It was Christmastime, and everyone was making Merry. So she went home.)


You can feel recuperate tomorrow. (And still Kelli has no editor. We have said repeatedly that We would do it for a dollar. (Of course, if We recall correctly, We weren’t talking about editing at the time.))






It's not as much as you deserve, (But then, what is?)


but you can certainly expect a bit more in your paycheck soon. (The aforementioned dollar would be more than Our paycheck.)


No fair jumping the gun, though. (Just like that wacky Mother Superior.)


Wait and see. (No. Horsefu(ker.)






(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:






http://www.humorscope.com




cowgrass…manly, yes, but I like it too)