It never rains in Southern California

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s!Periodic!Horoscope! for JustAnotherManiacallyManicuringManlyManateesInManchurianMantillasMonday,  July TwennySebbenst, 2015.

We find Ourselves (did YouPeople even realize We had gone missing?) currently in the sign of Leo, Our most recent video for which is above. (Our very first Leo video is below.)

Long-time Gentle Readers will recall that We are somewhat fixated on Leos, being as they are the undisputed sexiest sign of the zodiac.

(Whoever started disputing…just shut up.)

Speaking of sexy Leos, lettuce get right to it, shall We?  Happy birthday to Will, who turns twenty-four today  right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.  Happy birthday also to Summer, who also turns twenty-four today, also right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.

And, last but not Lee Strasberg, happy birthday to newcomer Josh, who may not EVEN turn twenty-four today, albeit (and who doesn’t love a good “albeit”) right here in the self-same aforementioned City.  Josh is currently appearing in BrainSpunk Theatre’s Mercury Fur,  more on which in several paragraphs hence.

And now, We shall say “and now” again.  Also, in the time-honored tradition (well, since February-or-so, anyway) of Eric’s!Periodic!Horoscope!, We hereby wish Happy Belated Birthdays to the most-mouth-watering birthday suits to have celebrated birthdays since last We e-pisstled.  So, Happy Belated Birthday to Adam, Allen, Christopher, Eric, Erik , Joe, Josh, Matt, Michael, Scott, and Zach.

Before We put paid to  the subject of birthday wishes, We realized in the course of writing this that, of the gentlemen wished Happy Birthdays above, We have seen exactly ONE  of them in his birthday suit.

What the hell is up with that? All of you gentlemen whom We have NOT seen in your birthday suits, please send Us pixtures of the birthdays suits in question. (How many times do We need to repeat this until YouPeople realize that We ARE NOT JOKING?) 

(In the interest of accuracy, We have ALSO seen one of the aforementioned gentlemen almost in his birthday suit.  But “almost” only counts in whore shoes, so come back and finish the job, already.)

Despite the fact that none of YouPeople missed Us, We have, in fact, been gone.  We were at The Sainted Mother’s for a week, and also family reunionating.  The obligatory “Our Feet At The Pool” selfie is above, for all of Our foot-fetishist Gentle Readers.  (You’re welcome. (This version of Micro$oft Weird™ is apparently so old that it doesn’t recognize the word “selfie”.  Sigh.))

Speaking of family reunions, We had a dream last night in which We were working at some very posh hotel or some such in Los Angeles (or “El Lay”, as We like to call it).  We were getting ready to do Our murder mystery in the ENORMOUS classic marble lobby of same, when a torrential downpour caused the place to flood (despite the fact that it allegedly never rains in Southern California).  

Once We got the flood cleared up, Our family reunion arrived to see the murder mystery.  Everyone was wearing tuxedoes and evening gowns (appropriately by gender (it being Our family, We know you had questions)).

We woke up before the show actually happened, but not before We had seen Paul Newman twice during the proceedings. 

YOUNG Paul Newman.  

YOUNG, NOT-DEAD Paul Newman.

Lest you think We only dream about sexy celebrities, a day or two ago We had a dream in which Danny DeVito was helping Us paint Our living room.

But enough of all that…let’s get some culture up in this here jawn.  

On Friday night, the Murder Mystery Factory being closed due to lack of interest, We collected a handsome young gentleman of Our acquaintance (well, technically, he collected Us, but whatevs) and headed off to war-torn Kensington to see BrainSpunk Theatre’s Mercury Fur,  starring the aforementioned Josh, and a host of other dazzlingly talented folks, and directed by another dazzlingly talented Josh, who, coincidentally, appears in the “happy belated birthday” list above.  (But whom We have NOT seen in his birthday suit.  (Nor even ALMOST in his birthday suit. (Just to be clear.)))

We knew almost nothing about the play going in, and so were in a state of almost constant awe at the proceedings.  The play itself is poetic and lyrical without ever veering into esoteric incomprehensibility, and the direction and performances are so spot-on and committed that We would venture to say this was one of Our favorite evenings in the theatre in a long time.

We will share some links to some (stellar) reviews in a moment,  but what they do not stress is that, controversial subject matter aside,  the play itself is more or less traditional, not at all avant garde, and completely accessible (and We mean that all in the very best way…We hate plays that try to be smarter than the audience, and that employ weirdness for weirdness’s sake).

We shall also point out, because We are shallow like that, that the cast of this play is one of the overall most attractive casts We’ve seen in quite a while as well.

Math not being Our strong suit, We are nevertheless fairly certain that you only have four chances left to see this show.  And you MUST see this show.  Get your tickets here:  http://www.brainspunktheater.com/#!tickets/c9a0

Read more literate reviews here: http://phindie.com/8525-mercury-fur-brainspunk-the-hills-are-alive-with-the-sound-of-post-apocalyptic-horror/

And here:

http://blog.phillyweekly.com/2015/07/27/wth-brainspunks-mercury-fur-is-a-wild-ride-and-not-for-the-faint-of-heart/

Tell ‘em Starzina sent ya.

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In other news, fuck the motherfucking Pope.  The goddamn President of the United States can come to Philadelphia, and everybody goes about their goddamn business as usual, but some old man in a dress shows up, and suddenly We’re gonna be a police state.  Go visit somewhere else, fucker.

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As We mentioned earlier, We are now, of course, in the sign of Leo, Our video for which is above.  And here, because it is also brillllllliant, is Our original Leo video, which was the very third video We made:

Here are the links with which you may share those videos with both of your friends:   

https://youtu.be/6kCzNp1JtDo

https://youtu.be/jNJh1di7OXk

As a Public Service to those of you who are nude here…er, new here, here is a link to a previous e-pissode, which contains, amongst other things, an amusing review of Fifty Shades of Grey: 

http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2015/06/i-put-spell-on-you.html .

Moving on, didja know that We have been e-pisstling e-pissodes of these e-pisstles in one form or another since 2001?  Every scintillating e-pissode from 2005, for instance, (now TEN YEARS OLD) can be found in charming dead-tree format here: 

http://www.lulu.com/shop/eric-singel/erics-daily-horoscope-2005/ebook/product-17475744.html ? 

In celebrity birthday news, there is not much going on today.  (Bobbie Gentry, anyone?  Anyone?)  It is, We are informed, Kenny Wormald’s birthday today.  Kenny Wormald, We are also informed, starred in the recent Footloose remake.  We are unfamiliar with his work, but, despite the fact that he is no Kevin Bacon, We would venture to say that he IS  one of Our future ex-husbands.

Thank Gawd We didn’t stray from the point.

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Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

Who can turn the world on with her smile?

 

Hello, Ducks!

 

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Friday Eve, August 30, 2012.  In keeping with this week’s nostalgia theme, We offer herewith (who lithped?) Our very first ever e-pissode in Bloggonia:

 

A whole new world...

 

Greetings, Excitement! Rapture! Incandescent Cheer!---

 

 

Here is your horoscope for Wednesday, January 13, 2010 (And the very happiest of Hump Days to all you Humpers and Humpettes out there in Hump-Hump Land! Oh, my dears...We are so excited, We can barely contain Our very selves! (In fact, We are pretty sure that a little bit of Us may have actually escaped earlier. (Wasn't that a tasteful way to say "queef"? (And wasn't that a tasty dish to set before the king?))) Here We are with Our very own BLOG! Why, We feel just like Betty Crocker must have felt when she saw her very first microwave oven. And said, "What the fu(k am I gonna do with THAT?!?" The world is Our oyster now, Bay-Bee! (Also, Neptune is Our mussel, and Uranus is Our calamari, but that's a wh0re of another color.) We can bold, we can italicize, we can come in colors...(although We have yet to figger out how to make that TM=trademark symbol that We like, and We aren't being spellchecked as We go along. Which is problematicalicious, in that, while We can spell reasonably well, We can't type for sh1t...). But still, look at Us, We're a BLOGGER! With contextually appropriate advertising and everything!):

 

(While We're waxing pathetic (and We see you, in the corner, waxing the carrot...please knock that off; it's very distracting. Even though it's only a baby carrot) about the Brave New Universe in which We find Ourselves, We should also point out that We can do pictures and video now, too. (Well, We tried to do a pixture here, but it keeps putting it at the top instead. Clearly, We shall have to read more of the destructions. However, We can also do video, and We don't care where that goes, so here. (Hmmm...that didn't work so well either.

 

 

(Now We're waiting while it's "processing" Our video. (Is it p00p yet?) While We wait, a bit of Eric's Daily Horoscope history for those of you who may be new to Us. Way back when the Earth was cooling, in 2001, (Oh, look...Our video appears to be processed. Much like processed cheese food. Velveeta! Velveeta! Don't cry for me, Ike and Tina, and all that) a friend used to email Us Our daily horoscope on occasions when it was particularly Pollyanna-ish and, thus, completely unrelated to Our own life. On the first such occasion, We responded with some scintillating bon mot no doubt not unlike "Our horoscope can go fu(k itself". When this did not deter the arrival of subsequent putridly optimistic horoscopular rantings, it became clear to Us that We were being called upon to tell said horoscopes exactly where they could go and exactly what they could do when they got there, and Eric's Daily Horoscope was born.)

 

(And now, a word about the pixture which We have had to leave at the top of this installment, as We cannot induce it to go anywhere else. Tempted though We are to pass that off as a pixture of Our very Own Self to fool those of you who do not know Us personally, We cannot tell a lie. (Well, actually We can, and We can do a pretty d@mn fine job of it. But We're not lying to you now. (Or ARE We?)) Every so often, One is fortunate in this life to encounter a person who, by sheer force of positive personality, makes it seem as though any old thing is possible if you just try to do it. And about one out of ten of those people manage to do that without making you wanna puke up your own spleen. Now, We should make it clear that We are not one of those people (we mean the positive personality kind...We're pretty sure We occasionally make you wanna puke up your own spleen). If it depended upon Us, no light bulb would have ever gone off over Thomas Algae Edison's head, the Wright Brothers would have been Wrong, and Billy Joe McAllister would have jumped off the Tallahatchie bridge a whole lot sooner. The gentleman in the picture, however, is one of those people, and as such, is The Patron Saint Of The Eric's Daily Horoscope Blog For The New Millennium, in addition to being Our future ex-husband. (Those of you who actually know the gentleman in question may wonder how he can possibly be Our future ex-husband when he is already in a committed relationship. It's a simple summer soap opera plot involving amnesia and multiple personalities. It all gets wrapped up in one thirteen-week cycle, and nobody is the wiser. Except that We eventually give birth to twins, one good and one evil...(Hey, We don't watch The Young And The Rest Of Us for nothing...)))

(So how many of all y'all are still scratching your heads over the Billy Joe McAllister reference? It's not just any old blog that can call to mind the song stylings of Miss Bobbie Gentry...)

(Meanwhile, it appears we've done everything We came here to do, except for a horoscope. There are examples of those down below, though, for you newbies, and We are out of time. So here is the link to YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com/

you've tried scrubbing, you've tried soaking, and still you hear, "ring around the cowgrass!")

 

 

Well, Billie Joe never had a lick o' sense, pass the biscuits, please

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Friday, July 27, 2012.  Please ensure that your tray tables are in the upright position, as We are about to begin Our descent….

Is it just Us, or did July only have four days in it this year?  Suddenly, it is almost August.  We would make an effort to go Downa Shore, but industrious environmentally-concerned children would probably keep trying to roll Us back into the ocean.  Sigh.

We continue to await the Other Shoe Droppage to which We alluded yesterday.   (The word “alluded” just made Us think of Quaaludes (because We are mentally unbalanced that way), as in “whatever happened to Quaaludes?”  Apparently, they are no longer manufactured.)

We now return to Our regularly scheduled program, already in progress.

In lieu of further scintillating witticisms on Our part, here are some random tweets from The Twitter:

All registered sex offenders must report immediately...  TO THE DANCE FLOOR!!!

                

Put an ice cream sandwich in your pants.  High five a cat. Yell at some Tupperware.  Congratulations!  You're my grandpa!

When I was just born the doctor took me in his big strong arms and that was when I knew for sure I was gay as hell.

Beer before liquor, never sicker.  Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.

Actually, the past tense is 'hanged', as in 'he hanged himself'.  Sorry about your dad, though.

Important life lesson: never accept a burger from a clown if you're not at McDonalds.

A lady on Facebook sent a message telling me to fuck off because I didn't accept her friend request.  SORRY, LADY, I'LL ACCEPT IT NOW; YOU SEEM GREAT!

Remember, kids, if you ever catch on fire: 1. Open the door 2. Get on the floor 3. Everybody walk the dinosaur.

Don't you hate it when you're trying to text and you hit every green light?

SO YOU THINK YOU CAN FLY A PLANE would be a fun show.

No, I flicked a cigarette butt NEAR your baby.

"That's what SHE would have said if women were allowed to speak!" --Saudi Arabian office joke

Here’s the HorrorScope:

It being Bobbie Gentry’s birthday, We should probably mention that Billie Joe McAllister jumped off the Tallahatchie Bridge.  But We won’t.

(Sometimes, the humor in here is so highbrow, sophisticated, and existential, even WE don’t get it.)

(This is not one of those times.)

Use your smiles and charm to get your way today  (Wasn’t she just telling Us crap like this yesterday?)

— people are much more likely to pay attention if you just quietly ask them if they’d mind obliging you than if you issue demands.  (Could you oblige Us by quietly expiring and then tossing your corpse in the dustbin?  Ta ever so.)

(Gawd DAMN!  We sound like the fucking Queen of England!)

Smiling faces get told yes a lot more than frowning faces do, (And yet, each of Our faces seats five.)

and that is something you need to remember throughout the day — (What?)

especially when you enter a new situation. (Or a nude situation.)

(That was a callback to Our beached whale joke from earlier.  Trouble is, it wasn’t funny the first time.)

Lead with your charm, and expect everyone in the room to fall in love with you — after all, why wouldn’t they?  (Perhaps because, like everyone else, they have met Us?)

Thinking positive — as well as being positively charming — will get you into places you never thought you’d be able to get into. (Johnny Depp’s underpants?)

You’re part of the ‘in’ crowd!  (Crowd?  But We’re All alone…hey, wait…was that a fat joke?)

Alcohol or any other controlled substance is poison to your system right now. (We’ll drink to that!)

Choose sparkling water or juice — even coffee, instead. (Clearly, We’re gonna need SOMETHING to wash down Our Quaaludes.)

Treat your psyche well and don’t over imbibe. (“Imbibe” is a peculiar word, no?  Imbued with imbecility. Imbringing sexy back.)

(What?)

You’re bound to make bad decisions (Yes.  Yes, We are.)

and act poorly under the influence.  (Absolutely no “influence” is required.)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.