Oh-ho they’re playing our song

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for FriedEgg,  December Fivest, 2014.

Happy Birthday to Katie, who turns twenty-four today, right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.

Also, Happy Birthday to Rose, who also turns twenty-four today in the suburbs of The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.

And last but not Lee Strasberg, Happy Birthday to Ren, who probably does not even turn twenty-four today, somewhere on this planet, We know not where, as he appears, by way of SitOnMyFaceBook, to be on some sort of world tour. 

Speaking of non sequiturs, We had a dream last night that had Lucie Arnaz in it. We were eating pizza together.  (Not crappy pizza, as in Our dream from the other day, which see:  http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2014/12/im-like-bird.html ) In bed.  Not in a sexual way, mind you, but in Our sweat pants.  Which sounds, now that We type it out, like a dream that Jeffery Self would have.  Except that his dream would have Debra Messing.  And Thai food.  And yoga pants.

Never mind.

So here We are on Day Five of Holidailies™ ( http://www.holidailies.org/ ) , for which We only just yesterday realized We had been omitting the trademark symbol (mea culpa, Mia Farrow, cry me a river).  So it occurred to Us that We ought to just drop in to see what condition Our condition was in.

Our very-first-ever entry two years ago (http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2012/12/i-got-my-high-heels-i-dont-need-no.html) has 503 hits. 

Our first entry from last year (http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2013/12/dick-your-balls-with-buddy-holly.html)  has 109. 

Our first entry this year ( http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2014/12/here-comes-rich-man-in-his-big-long.html) ?  52.

Sigh.

We were going to be abbreviated today at any rate, as We are off to tape a television interview with the WaitStaff this afternoon, followed by a performance at the Murder Mystery Factory tonight.  Where, as We mentioned recently, We still need an actor, female, 20s-30s, any ethnicity, to play a soap opera star in several daytime private shows.  Paid gig, holla at Us.

For those who are keeping track, We have still received no sexts.  From Colorado, or anywhere else.

Speaking of birthdays, (and of Prince Harry’s birthday suit (as One does)) , We have leapt recently into Sagittarius, Our video for which is above.  (If We had Our finger on Our ephemeris We could tell you exactly when.  (Dirty-minded Gentle Readers with limited vocabularies just went scurrying off to Google “ephemeris” on Wikipedia.  Quests for knowledge are HAWTT.))

Here is the link with which you may share Our Sagittarius video with both of your friends:   http://youtu.be/6f1m5GLfk1Y  

And here, for your further edification, is Our very first Sagittarius video:

Moving on, didja know that We have been e-pisstling e-pissodes of these e-pisstles in one form or another since 2001?  And that the earliest dead-tree archival records from 2004 are now TEN YEARS OLD, and can be found (for a small fee) here: http://www.lulu.com/shop/eric-singel/erics-daily-horoscope-2004/paperback/product-300894.html  ? 

Thank Gawd We didn’t stray from the point.

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In celebrity birthday news, Walt Disney and Martin van Buren were both born today.  One had a profound effect on American culture.  The other one was a President.

And now, as We must go and make Ourself camera-ready, here, in lieu of call-and-response with AssHatted Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist) Kelli is A Reading from Madame Olivia:

Greetings Starzina ~

It is very good to see you again.

Time management can be a challenge, can it not? Madame Olivia recommends simplifying where possible. She is suddenly reminded of her high-achieving grandmother (a powerful Aries, as it happens), who didn't bother folding laundry but merely stuffed it in the appropriate drawer, where it lay ready for her to blindly plunge in her hand and pull out as needed. She applied the time saved to the good work she wrought as a pillar of her community. Is there a place in your life to simplify?

Dear Aries, Madame Olivia takes pleasure in reminding you that the startup energy you have expended in several realms will continue to bear fruit. Your job is to ENJOY the gifts coming your way. You would do well, though, to stop and appreciate what you're receiving. This counteracts complacency, and also heightens joy in the moment!

Keep your ears open for a special song

Our time together today is drawing to a close. Madame Olivia bids you au revoir and good luck until we meet again.

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

He’s just an excitable boy

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Monday, March 07, 2011.  You would no doubt imagine that, not having reported in for three days, We would have ever so much to talk about.  You would be wrong.  However, in the interest of making your lives seem ever so much better by comparison, We shall  tell you about Our weekend here at Casa de Crotchrot.  Friday night, We cleaned Our oven.  (No, Ducks; Our ACTUAL oven; that was not a euphemism.)  Saturday, We ran the dishwasher, then went off to the Italian Market to buy cheap food.  Upon returning, We discovered that the catch on the little trapdoor that allows the magic dishwasher pellet to escape and magically clean the dishes had not come uncaught, and We proceeded to wash a whole bunch of not-quite-so-clean dishes by hand (non-magically).  This somehow managed to cause Us to lapse into an early coma, from which We arose on Sunday to make gravy, because we live in Souf Philly, and We are apparently an Eye-talian grandmother.

Please try not to faint from the glamour of it all.

Himself, meanwhile, was off in the monsoon at rehearsal for the WaitStaff’s upcoming debut at Helium on the 16^th.  Here would be where you would buy tickets if you were (subjunctively) going to show up:  https://www.seatengine.com/venue/helium-comedy-club/event/382  Not, of course, that We will hold Our breath.  (Actually, We sold Our breath.  On eBay.  For sausage money.  (No, Ducks, ACTUAL sausage; that was not a euphemism.))

And that is all We know.  And We wouldn’t even have bovvered, except that, for the next two days, We have Daytime Activities which will be keeping Us away from the computer.  And We didn’t want you to miss Us TOO badly, and wail, and gnash your teeth, and carry on, as you are wont to do.  Mighty white of Us, no?

Les Horoscopes (it’s like Les Miserables, except, instead of miserable, it’s a horoscope.  Well, a miserable horoscope, but still (we’re not quite sure why there’s more than one, but then, it’s Frawnch, and We don’t speak Frawnch. (Victor Hugo WISHES he wrote this horoscope.)))

Try something spontaneous today.  (Oh, indeed.  We’ll put that on the schedule straightaway.)

Ask someone out, (Mmm-hmm.  You should SEE our calendar for the next week or so.  There’ll be precious little “asking out” about it.)

take a side trip or just speak out at that meeting even if you’re low in the hierarchy. (Good lord, even Our HOROSCOPE is boring.)

 Your great energy (Are you talking to Us?)

should see you through!  (Oh, We’re through, alright.)

All signs are pointing to a fantastic new beginning for you (“Beginning” is an odd word, innit?  It’d be more interesting if the first G were (subjunctively) softened.  Then We could replace it with a simpler noun form, “begina”.  (Not to rhyme with “Regina”, but to rhyme with “vagina”.  (If I had Aladdin’s lamp for only a day, I’d make a wish and here’s what I’d say: Nothing could be finer than to be in your vagina in the mo-o-o-rning.)))

(What the hell just happened?)

  — and a long journey or a geographical change could be coming soon. (How exactly would a long journey DIFFER from a geographical change?  And, more importantly, did We have a stroke earlier?)

If a trip is already planned, expect it to go incredibly well. (And, if it’s not planned, expect it to go even better.  Also, Shut. Up. Kelli.)

An upgrade may be involved. (Clearly, there’s a C plus in  Our future.)

Prepare yourself for unexpected luxury.  (See, that SOUNDS like it would be good.  But We’ve been reading  these things (and living Our life) long enough to know that “unexpected luxury” means We’re gonna be run over by a caviar truck.)

A financial payoff is due today, too, and it’s one you should share with the people you love.  (We did find fifteen cents on the street on Saturday. Do you want the nickel of the dime?)

Invite a few friends out to dinner and surprise them by footing the bill.  (Alternatively, invite  a few friends out to dinner and rub the pot roast all over your chest.  (Ah-oooo, werewolves of London…kiss Us quick, We’re Warren Zevon.))

(Clearly, a stroke.)

As teachers and parents say, only boring people get bored. (You mean, as STUPID teachers and STUPID parents say, only boring people get bored.  Or more to the point,  as teachers and parents who haven’t read this horoscope say…)

Show off your free-spirited side to impress someone you want to know better. (Won’t they be upset when We show ‘m Our Playtex™ Free Spirit bra!)

Keep them guessing! (By stressing Debra Messing’s ranch dressing.)

(What?)

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(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

How are things in Glocca Morra?

Greetings, Emphatic Rebuttal Infuriates Czar---


Here is your horoscope for Thursday, February 18, 2010 (We have finally smartened up and put all the WaitStaff show info in pixture form above, to spare all y’all from having to get n@ked yet again to skim a whole paragraph of information. You’re welcome.):


(This, however, is the important part: after the show, as We are forced to depart the World Café Live immediately (no doubt amidst a hail of rotting fruits and vegetables (“Hey!” We hear you cry, “Some of my best friends are rotting fruits and vegetables!”)), We have decided to reconvene to accept accolades, acolytes (that was an altar boy joke…on your knees, b1tch!), and, most importantly, free drinks two blocks away at Slainte (which see: http://www.slaintephilly.com/ ). This, We are told, is an Irish drinking emporium whose name does not rhyme with “taint”, as One would imagine (although that would, We suppose, make it a g@y drinking emporium). Instead, it sounds, when pronounced by Irishian Irish speakers of Our acquaintance, something like a cross between “lawnchair” and “trenchmouth”. This is because Irishians are a very strange people who don’t even call their language “Irish”; they call it (oh, like you didn’t see this coming) “Gaylick”. But what can One expect from folks who once starved a bunch of potatoes to death for no reason whatsoever?)


(Leprechaun, shillelagh, HassenPfeffer Incorporated.)


(As a special boner…er, bonus treat, those of all y’all who have only started following the WaitStaff since the beginning of Our appearances with same will not yet have seen the following video. Which is totally NOT safe for work. Unless, We suppose, you happen to work in a brothel.)

(We should also note that the WaitStaff’s well-oiled (heh) publicity machine is in high gear, and tickets are flying out the door faster than a starving potato in a leprechaun colony (what???), so get yours NOW. Here We are in today’s City Paper: http://citypaper.net/articles/2010/02/18/desperate-and-dateless (You will note that We Our Own Selves Personally do not appear in the accompanying photo, which is an old WaitStaff publicity photo taken prior to Our affiliation with same. In fact, only two of the people pictured will be in tomorrow’s show; the rest are…well, We’re not exactly sure, but We have heard the phrases “making license plates” and “penile servitude” bandied about.))


(And, in case you needed one more inducement to attend, Our mission du jour is to go shopping for exactly the right pair of boxer shorts in which to do the tango. (Whaddaya mean, the World Café Live just called and said they’re closed tomorrow?))


(Our-O-Scope…)


It's time for you to take some time out. (We hear there’s a special chair for that.)


Phone off the hook. (Okay, let’S just think about that one for a second. (The S is capitalized because it’s a contraction of “let Us”, which involves The Royal Us. But then you knew that already.) Once those chirren born in 1990 whom We were discussing yesterday have chirren, there will be a whole generation of people who have no idea what the fu(k “phone off the hook” even means. Seriously, people. Turn off your eight-track tapes of Lawrence Welk and give that a moment’s thought.)


Sit down. (Sit on my face and tell me that you love me.)


Breathe. (Oh, please. If you have to be told, perhaps it’s better if you just stop. More air for the rest of Us.)


Think about your past year. (Scr3w that noise. Think about this: which is funnier: “Is that a shillelagh in your pants, or are you just happy to see me?” or “Is that a leprechaun in your pants, or are you just happy to see me?” We Personally are leaning toward the leprechaun, but discuss.)


(We’ll take “Phrases No Sane Person Would Ever Type” for $500, Alex…what is “leaning toward the leprechaun”?)


What are you grateful for? (Ingrates.)


(No, give it a minute. It’ll come to you. That was one of Our rare suBtle jokes. THERE ya go!)


If you have time, it's a good time to actually make a list. (If We don’t have time, should We make a list of things We don’t have time for?)


Think about your blessings. (Then think of Debra Messing covered in Thousand Island dressing. (That was a little bone We just threw to Our str8 boi readers, to make up for the “Cindy Brady’s pubes” thing from yesterday.))


(As a little insight into the inner workings of Eric’s Daily Horoscope, We would like to point out that We originally covered Ms. Messing in Russian dressing, but We decided that Thousand Island was funnier.)


Sometimes the mere act of reveling in all that is good actually brings on more good things. (Mmm-hmm. And sometimes, unicorns f@rt cinnamon-scented rainbows.)


If you want to have some peace and quiet now, the skies support you. (The skies, you say? We find Ourselves somewhat nonplussed.)


(Insert reflection on what a peculiar word “nonplussed” is here.)


Feel free not to say yes to every single invitation, if you don't actually feel like it. (Oh, please. If anyone ever actually invited Us anywhere, We don’t have a thing to wear, We just washed Our hair, there’s no time to Nair™, Fred Astaire, Linda Blair, Sonny and Cher.)


(Oh, shut up.)



(YOUR-O-Scopes:


http://www.humorscope.com


cowgrass tastes good like a cigarette should)