Someone left my cake out in the rain

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for WinesDay,  December Threeth, 2014.

Happy Hump Day to all you Humps, Humpettes, and Humperettas out there. (We have no actual idea what a “Humperetta” is.  (It might be a porno fillum where they sing.  (Now We’ve frightened Ourself.)))

Happy Birthday to TheLovelyAndTalentedHarriet, who turns twenty-four today all the way out in WeHo, El Lay.  Just steps away, no doubt from TheLovelyAndTalented Del, who also turns twenty-four today, also in WeHo, El Lay. And to whom We also wish a Happy Birthday, in case that was unclear.

Meanwhile, on The Right Coast, Happy Birthday to Nicky, who turns twenty-four today in New York.  New York, New York…The City That Doesn’t Sleep (With Us).

These geographical locations are all perfectly acceptable, and not especially joke-worthy.  They do, however, make Us despair of ever getting any cake.  Much like yesterday, when Our birthday wishes went to Connecticut and Colorado, and We also didn’t get any cake.  Sigh.

(Speaking of which, We are also still awaiting a sext from Colorado.  (Hi, Blair!))

In a last-ditch effort to obtain cake, Happy Birthday to David, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles. So, as you can see, David, it’s all on you:  We need some damn cake up in here.

Meanwhile, as if Our cakelessness were (subjunctively) not cause enough for despair, We are off to The Murder Mystery Factory this afternoon for a very special private show (get your mind out of the gutter), with all manner of special requirements and difficulties.  The Murder Mystery Factory is determined, you see, to pee in the very punchbowl of Our holiday season, and fuck Us, as it were, up against a rock with a sandpaper condom.

Where is Our winning PowerBall™ ticket when We need it?

Speaking of birthdays, (and of Prince Harry’s birthday suit (as One does)) , We have leapt recently into Sagittarius, Our video for which is above.  (If We had Our finger on Our ephemeris We could tell you exactly when.  (Dirty-minded Gentle Readers with limited vocabularies just went scurrying off to Google “ephemeris” on Wikipedia.  Quests for knowledge are HAWTT.))

Here is the link with which you may share Our Sagittarius video with both of your friends:   http://youtu.be/6f1m5GLfk1Y  

And here, for your further edification, is Our very first Sagittarius video:

(If your name is Ed, do you even need further edification?)

(Heh…see what We did there?)

Moving on, didja know that We have been e-pisstling e-pissodes of these e-pisstles in one form or another since 2001?  And that the earliest dead-tree archival records from 2004 are now TEN YEARS OLD, and can be found (for a small fee) here: http://www.lulu.com/shop/eric-singel/erics-daily-horoscope-2004/paperback/product-300894.html  ? 

Thank Gawd We didn’t stray from the point.

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In celebrity birthday news, no, Celebrity Birthday Website, the fact that Gemma Styles is Harry Styles’ sister does NOT make her a celebrity, or, indeed, special in any way.  Ya know what’s special?  Harry Styles’ underpants.

Try to push yourself in a new direction (Did somebody say “One Direction”?)

— anything you start today is sure to be a success! (We will be at the Murder Mystery Factory, “starting” absolutely nothing, hopefully finishing at a reasonable hour to come home and go to bed.)

It’s a really good time for you to step up and make sure that your people are following your lead.  (Okay, first of all, “Our people”?  Do not so much exist.)

(Parenthetically (hence the parentheses), We still need an actor for several Very Special Murder Mysteries this month.  Female, 20s-30s, soap opera star.  Paid gig, get at Us.  And please bring cake.)

 Just before you pick up the phone, remind yourself that you’re not sure what kind of mood they’ll be in. (Why do We care what kind of mood imaginary people are in?)

That way, if they’re as ready as you are to get into it, you won’t be shocked. (We are fairly certain, however, that We shall be appalled.)

A team of potent astrological players (The Green Bay Fudgepackers?)

(We have no idea what made Us say that.)

is set up in your house of long-distance relationships, (And is that gonna help Us get cake?  Or a sext from Colorado?)

ready to help you unearth what might previously have been seen as over. (Yes, pineapple upside-down cake is fine.)

(Holy non sequitur, Batman! These tights make my balls itch!)

(Gentle Readers Of A Certain Age are now imagining Burt Ward’s balls.  You’re welcome, Gentle Readers Of A Certain Age.)

It’s a solar eclipse, and those, friends, are the stuff of mighty changes. (Not to mention Mighty Ducks.  (No, really…don’t mention them.))

Great big ones — no kidding.  (Aaaaaannnddd We’re back to Burt Ward’s balls.)

Find someone who is simpatico. (Fucking foreigners.)

Where to look? Think politics, animals and charity events. (What does that even MEAN???)

And while you’re at it, see who else is around to join in the fun! (Harry Styles, Prince Harry…Prince Harry, Harry Styles…Prince Harry Styles (Now THERE’S a pair of underpants….))

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

Who can turn the world on with her smile?

Hello, Ducks!

             

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! For GoodPieRupeeTuesday,  December 3^th , 2013.

Happy Birthday to David, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.   Also, Happy Birthday to Nicky, who also turns twenty-four today.  In New York.  New York, New York.  The City That Doesn’t Sleep (With Us).

And, last but not Lee Strasberg, Happy Birthday to Harriet, who turns twenty-four today all the way out in WeHo, El Lay.

(Finally, a day on which none of the birthday geography flummoxes Us.  Now watch, tomorrow, they’ll all be celebrating in Bangladesh Slowly.)

(We’ll wait here for you while that one hits…THERE ya go.)

We are already quite sufficiently flummoxed by the confusion that is Our day to date.  We have just come from a lunch meeting wherein( remind Us to say something about “wherein” later) We discussed penning the script for the next murder mystery (yes, indeed, ladies and genitals, the current show is now playing in its ninth month, so, if you have any interest in seeing it, holler at Us before its water breaks.)

We came out of Our lunch meeting to discover that, despite being December Turd, it is sunny (contrary to what Danny DeVito would have you believe, it is NOT always sunny here) and almost fifty-five degrees.  Trust Us, We are not complaining; We are just trying to type this really quickly so We can go and frolic.  And gambol.  And stuff.

Then We got home to discover that, not only do We have opposable thumbs, but also Our show,  LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour has been accepted into Centre Theatre’s Independent Voices Festival in January.  We may just have to run to a busy street corner and throw up Our hat like Mary Tyler Moore.

We have made the executive decision to put off what was to be today’s topic until tomorrow, thereby giving Ourself more time to gambol (and yet, oddly, less time to proctor…go figger.)

“The name’s Proctor…JOHN Proctor.”  Who wouldn’t watch THAT version of The Crucible?

Oh, We forgot about “wherein”  (you were supposed to remind Us).  We have, of late, been trying out an experiment wherein We SitOnMyFaceBook message those people who are mentioned in the day’s e-pissode of Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!  For example, David, Nicky, and Harriet, who are mentioned above, would all get such a notification.  As would Blair, since Picturing Blair In The Buff Week is still in full swing.

Now, the important thing to note about this notification is that it employs the word “wherein”.  To wit, "We are trying out a new plan wherein We message people mentioned in Our daily horoscope."

For the most part, people do not respond, which is fine.  And We have no way of knowing whether they go and read the e-pissode or not.  Occasionally, someone will say “thanks” or something complimentary, which is lovely, but, again, unnecessary.

What they should NOT say, however, is, “I'm trying a new plan wherein I use wherein, heretofor and, perforce, perforce in random messages. Thereby.”  Because (A.) We will call them out for being an assmunch before (2.) pointing out how stupid they look for not knowing that “heretofore” ends in an E.  We realize that ‘Murrica worships at the feet of stupidity, but We will NOT be mocked IN OUR OWN FORUM for knowing what “wherein” means.

Assmunch.

In still other news We are once again sharing with you Our very most favoritest Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope  video (Sagittarius) with you (see above).  Here is the link with which you may share it with others: http://youtu.be/6f1m5GLfk1Y  You’re welcome.

And now, in the interests of increased frolic/gambol time, herewith (We know what THAT means, too, MuthaFuckah) a reading by Madame Olivia:

Greetings Starzina ~

It is very good to see you again.

An excellent stratagem for getting things done is to construct your list of things to do in the form of physical action required. For example, instead of "buy present for love object," list "walk to chocolate shop at lunch and buy present for love object." This makes the task easier to do, and thus more likely you'll do it!

Dear Aries, with Uranus in Aries you may be feeling some serious activation, maybe pulls toward some big changes, in systems, ways of thinking, geography. These changes can be both exciting and a little scary. Madame Olivia is thinking that the best course of action for now may be a bit of wait-and-see. You don't have to make the move or come up with an answer or solution just because somebody else is in a hurry. When possible, take your time.

Look for the color or scent of lavender to carry meaning in coming days

Godspeed and good wishes from Madame Olivia until next time.

(We do so enjoy the recent increase in Madame O’s “Uranus” references.)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.