I left my little suitcase in Berlin

Hello, Ducks!

             

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for GoodPieRupeeTuesday, November 26^rd, 2013.   Happy Birthday to Michael, who turns twenty-four today somewhere in Greater Bostonia.  Also, Happy Birthday to Steven, who also turns twenty-four today, somewhere in Greater New Jerseya.  Also too, Happy Birthday to Jane, who also too turns twenty-four today, also too (We think) somewhere in Greater New Jerseya, albeit elsewhere.

Lettuce just assume (thereby showing Uma Thurman’s ass to Hume Cronyn (which is no mean feat, considering he’s dead)) that We’ve made a “nausea” joke out of “Greater New Jerseya” and move on, shall We?

We really must hurry on apace, both willy and nilly, as We have a JAWB today.  In Berlin.  (Before you faint dead away from the glamour of it all, We shall hasten to add that We mean Berlin, New Jerseya.  Yes, indeed, ladies and genitals, today, We shall get to ride not only SEPTA but also PATCO, following which We shall be whisked away from Lindenwold in a specially commissioned taximeter cabriolet to beautiful downtown Berlin, where a scant half hour of Our time is worth a hundred dollars.  Much like the cheap hooker that We aspire to be.)

We are fairly certain that We were in elementary school (which is odd, the internal combustion engine not having been invented yet) when We first learned that “taxi cab” was short for “taximeter cabriolet”.  How glamorous!  One can only imagine Sherlock Holmes, as played, of course, by Basil Rathbone, crying out, “Quick, Watson, the game is afoot!  Lettuce hire a taximeter cabriolet at once!”

Of course, if your name were (subjunctively) Basil Rathbone, you’d probably say things like, “Lettuce hire a taximeter cabriolet at once!” even when you weren’t playing Sherlock Holmes, but that’s beside the point.

If only We had more time, We could delve further into all these games with feet Holmes was always playing, and analyze his obvious foot fetish.

Speaking of the weekend, We moved into Sagittarius during it, which means that We are once again sharing with you Our very most favoritest Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope  video with you (see above).  Here is the link with which you may share it with others: http://youtu.be/6f1m5GLfk1Y  You’re welcome.

Meanwhile, may We please tell you (mais oui) that Bryan still has no idea that all last week was Picturing Bryan’s Birthday Suit Week?  Whatever has happened to these children’s social media addictions?

And here’s the HorrorScope:

It is not Basil Rathbone’s birthday.  It is, however, Tina Turner’s.  Howzzat for a non sequitur?

Also, in honor of the upcoming holiday, you will notice above a picture of Marlo Thomas with a turkey.  You’re welcome.

In the interests of expediting the proceedings, instead of AssHatt Kelli’s blatherings, today A Reading From Madame Olivia:

Greetings Eric ~

Hello again. Madame Olivia is happy to receive you.

Madame Olivia would like to point out to you that numerous studies show that people who strongly value the pursuit of wealth and possessions report lower psychological well-being than people who are less concerned with these things. You are clearly not an über-materialist, but perhaps some thinking about this is in order, in the interest of, you know, balance. And perspective.

Well, dear Aries, Madame Olivia can see that you are venturing into some new territory these days, which is perfectly consistent with the planetary movement: think Uranus. Despite your much-vaunted esprit, you too are sometimes assailed by doubts. Go ahead and entertain them: some choices loom in the near future which merit close inspection. Just because people are expecting you to leap in doesn't mean either that you must or that it's a good idea right now. Let your head rule your heart in the coming days.

Phrase of the hour: Let it be Bryan's Birthday Suit

It has been a pleasure being with you. Madame Olivia wishes you all the best until we meet again.

“Think Uranus.”  Ya gotta love her!

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

I said NO, NO, NO

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Friday, September 14, 2012.   It is Amy Winehouse’s birthday.  They tried to make her go to rehab, but she said, “Fuck you; I’m dead.”

So, recent events having proven to US that We are completely alone in here, We’re gonna talk about whatever We want, and not worry about entertaining anybody’s asses.  To wit, New And Improved(?) Glee. We are not entirely sure We are on board.  For one thing, the “spin-off” of Rachel in New York?  Has already been done.  It was called That Girl, and it starred Marlo Thomas.  Of course, in this version, she has a gay boyfriend, but…oh, wait.  Never mind.

Also, where was everybody?  Finn, Mercedes, Quinn, Santana, Puck, Emma, Mike, etc., etc.?  All the absences made it really difficult to remember who had graduated and who hadn’t.

That said, all of those people are still on contract, AND they’ve added about twenty new characters?  (And that was just the lunch lady.  (Ba-DUMP-bump.))  There are too many people on this show.  It is time for a tornado to blow through Lima, Ohio and thin the herd.  Seriously.  While We applaud Ryan Murphy for not letting these characters stay in high school until they’re collecting their pensions, it’s time to let go.  See ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya….don’t let the screen door hit ya where the good lord split ya…buh-BYE!

In still other news, it’s a good thing Christian Guy looks so much like Christ, or We would forget he was Christian Guy, not having heard him speak in so long.  Also, if We were Mercedes, We’d be very upset to be being replaced by a drag queen.  Also also, bringing on Puck’s younger brother so We will assume he is “just like Puck”, and thereby forgive you the absence of character development is lazy, lazy writing.

Naturally, We shall tune in next week anyway.

Meanwhile, We Our Own Self Personally are now following yet another Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopular) bloggist, which see:  http://www.astrologydating.com/pub/blog_post/an-astrologer-gets-you-pregnant How can you fail to believe in someone who tells you Uranus isn’t good for making babies?

Editing to add this, which just went live: http://blog.livearts-fringe.org/2012/09/14/philly-fringe-vital-stats-jesus-christ/

In other other news, tickets are almost gone for The Match Game  tonight and tomorrow, so grab ‘em quick if you’re planning to come:

http://livearts-fringe.ticketleap.com/real-housewives-of-south-philly-play-match-game/#view=calendar .

Here is what the City Paper reviewer had to say about Our little epic:  http://www.citypaper.net/blogs/criticalmass/FRINGE-REVIEW-Real-Housewives-of-South-Philly-Play-Match-Game-.html

And here is Our Own Personal most recent claim to fame: http://marcharshbarger.blogspot.com/2012/09/groovy-reader-of-month-eric-singel.html

Here is last year’s Virgo video, just in case you prefer a bit of naked angel with your morning horoscope:

Here’s the HorrorScope:

You need a new adventure — and one is coming your way at top speed!   (No doubt The Poseidon Adventure.  With Shelley Winters as The Lunch Lady.)

Hop on board and take the reins as you find a way to have fun without spoiling any other plans you had made.  (So what you seem to be saying, with your limited linguistic skills, is that We had originally made plans to have no fun…is that right, AssHat?)

The amount of work you put into something is directly proportional to the quality of said work, (ExACTly.  The less work We have to do, the better.  See?  Proportional.)

so try not to cut any corners today. (Of course not.  Where’s the fun in that?)

Give yourself all the time you need, (Time being, naturally, infinite.  Also, controllable by mere mortals.  Also, Shut. Up. Kelli.)

(This just in:  Mittens R-money wants Us all to know that “middle income” is $200,000 to $250,000 a year.  So even when We were working, We were impoverished.  Good to know, asshole.)

so you won’t rush and miss some very urgent details. (Not to mention unguent details. And ungulate details.  Don’t miss those, either.)

Be thorough with everything you do — spell check every email before sending it off, (Also, climb ev’ry mountain.  And ford ev’ry stream.)

and make sure you have returned all important phone calls by the middle of the day. (Well, yes.  It’s very important that you give everyone their phone calls back.  By the end of the day, everyone should have exactly the phone calls they started out with.)

Leaving too many questions unanswered will cause someone’s imagination to spin in some weird directions.  (Why?)

(She didn’t answer Our question.)

Those around you may be moving slow, (Hi, Uncle Joe!)

(If you got that?  You are very, very old.  Go directly back to bed.  Do not pass gas, do not collect  200,000 dollars.)

(See how We tied that all together?  THAT’S comedy.)

(Is there an echo in here?)

but according to the stars, (Get ready to match the stars!)

you’re raring to go. (What does that even mean?)

You’ll love a challenge now, and if you make an effort to make connections, they can really go places.  (Who are these “they” of whom you speak?  Why can’t WE go places?)

 

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

See you soon, we must dash; when they’ve swept up the ash, we can meet down the street to have lunch

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Wednesday, January 19, 2011.  Happy Hump Day to all, and to all a good hump.  Not that there will be any humping here, thank you.  Poor Himself is still fast abed, having bestirred Himself (heh) yesterday just long enough to shovel up whatever the latest pile of crap to fall from the sky was.  (Parenthetically (indicated, you will note, by parentheses (hence the adverb (I was going to write a new children’s book entitled Hence the Adverb, but then I figured, what six-year-old knows what the fu(k is an adverb (naturally, I am aware that “what the fu(k” is NOT an adverb, but you get what I mean)))), how is it possible that it’s January 19^th, and yet it has snown sixty-two kabillion and eleventy-twelve days so far this year? (“Snow-snew-snown”…it’s a declension; try to keep up.))

Speaking of Himself, he’s really not having the best of luck with dreams lately.  He used to sit in meetings and dream of being anywhere else; now he has dreams about being in meetings.  Also, it is an ingrained part of his dream cycle, ever since having lost his jawb that, despite not having said jawb, he still has to show up at the EAC for work every day.  Last night, for example, he wound up having a nervous breakdown in a dream….his exact words being “Why do I keep going there?  They don’t pay me…”…and finally had to wake Himself up.

The point is, he is clearly losing what passes for his mind.

I wonder if I get the house?

Speaking of the loss of his mind, here is what he spent this past Sunday doing:

In still other news, stay tuned to this space for an upcoming bulletin about the WaitStaff.

Your affinity for children of all ages is peaking now, (It’s true; I do love children.  With some fava beans and a nice Chianti.)

so make the most of it!  (Well, I would, but it’s so difficult to cook children for one.)

Hang out with your own or your friends’, play little games at work or just make your life into something big and fun.  (How about the Spanish Inquisition? That was big and fun (well, it was fun if you happened to be an inquisitor.  Not, presumably, so much fun if you happened to be an inquisitee.  Those wacky Catholics.))

Okay, so that temper of yours may be a bit more obvious to others now. (REALLY?  DOES IT SHOW?  BECAUSE I WOULD HATE FOR OTHER PEOPLE TO BE UPSET BY HOW MUCH THEY’RE PISSING ME OFF.  REALLY. I WOULD. HATE IT.)

So what? (Been there, done that, bought the T-shirt.   So what, indeed.)

If anyone is entitled to show their anger---in controlled fashion, of course (If anyone’s looking for me, I’ll be outside making anger in the snow.)

— no physical stuff, unless it’s whacking at some fastballs, (Wait…I can whack them in the balls? With impunity?  (Or at least, with a baseball bat?))

(I almost said “cricket bat”, but then I realised I was talking to a lot of Yanks who were probably still stuck on trying to figure out what “impunity” meant.)

it’s you. (Ah.  So I am That Girl.  Kiss me quick, I’m Marlo Thomas.  (Have you Seen HER LATELY?  Talk about nipped when she should have tucked.))

Anger, assertion and aggression are your business!  (Alliteration is, apparently, yours.  Asshole.)

(See what I did there?)

Imagine a world where everyone was nice all the time. (Fu(k that noise.  Let’s imagine a world where everyone’s nice TO ME all the time.)

Eeewww!  (That word is actually spelled “eeeuuuwww”.  Has this woman no editor?)

Still, do yourself and the person you’d like to continue seeing a favor: Make a reservation at the batting cage and then go and practice. (Are you actually revisiting that sports metaphor from all those sentences ago?  And, if so, why?  It never worked the first time around.)

Mix an action flick with a light romantic comedy, hand the starring role to you and you can see how sweet your love life can be today! (Not as sweet as it would be if you mixed a porno in there.)

Today is perfect for shopping around your script to potential co-stars.  (Johnny Depp, to the white courtesy phone please…)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.