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Greetings, Early Reports Indicate Chiaroscuro---
Here is your horoscope for Wednesday, April 07, 2010 (Happy Hump Day, and welcome to an extremely abbreviated edition of Eric’s Daily Horoscope. We are off to beg, as actors do, for work, and, although We chose it totally at random, We are feeling every bit as attractive, although possibly slightly less talented, than the subject of today’s Eric’s Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Mais Oui Catherine Deneuve Inky Dinky Parlez Vous. The only reason We are telling all y’all this is so We don’t just say “fu(k it” and go back to bed.):
(Oh, and then, this evening, We have school.)
(Sigh.)
(On the plus side, We haven’t seen a cubicle in months.)
(Since We ate your brains yesterday, We figger that’s about all you can handle for one day. On with the show!)
(Our Our-O-Scope.)
It's time for change of the not-so-subtle variety. (Well, that’s good. Because We are afraid We left Our suBtlety in Our other pants.)
This will no doubt be made quite evident to others by your actions, (No doubt.)
should anyone be (Subjunctively.)
foolish enough to challenge you. (Halt! Who goes there? (Great…We can’t even do a horoscope; what the h3ll are We gonna do at an audition?))
Don't buckle under, (Buckle up for safety, buckle up! Also, build me up, build me up, Buttercup Baby.)
(If anyone knows what the h3ll We’re talking about, please don’t tell Us. We don’t want to know. )
(Random Johnny Depp reference.)
but do go easy (We are nothing if not easy.)
on innocent bystanders -- and friends who once thought they knew you. (Kill ‘em all, and let G0d sort ‘em out.)
An emotional firestorm may be in the offing. (Hmm. Wherever did We leave Our asbestos bumbershoot? (Unlike Our American Cousin, which is, of course, the play that Lincoln was watching when he was shot, Our Asbestos Bumbershoot was a radio serial that was favored by Chester A. Arthur. (Unlike Lincoln, Chester A. Arthur was not assassinated. But Millard Fillmore’s mother was black. (Now that We have gotten you an A in American History, won’t you please go to Our audition for Us? KThxBye.))))
The good news is there are lots of ways to enjoy the heat without actually getting burned. (Well, you know what They say: If you can’t stand the heat, cut a b1tch in the kitchen.)
(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:
http://www.humorscope.com
cowgrass….the other other white meat)
Greetings, Ephesians Regret Inviting Corinthians---
Here is your horoscope for Tuesday, April 6, 2010 (So didja hear where California had a big earthquake? Mmm-hmm. Rehearsal. Stay tuned.):
(Speaking of rehearsal, We just wrote Our WaitStaff rehearsal schedule into Our actual datebook, thereby making it real. Day-um, We have a helluva lot of rehearsal for stuff people think We just make up on the spot. Now if We could just figger out who to bill those hours to…)
(We have less than nothing to report. In fact, if you were (subjunctively) to think of today’s Eric’s Daily Horoscope as a black hole, and imagine that you would know less when you finished reading it than you did when you started, you wouldn’t be far from the truth. (Most of you, however, would continue to be far from Duluth.))
(See? Just reading that last bit killed off a couple of brain cells you’ll never get back.)
(Our Our-O-Scope.)
Expect to see your name in the paper after you're done being interviewed for the evening news and CNN. (Lone Gunman In Belltower Kills Fourteen, Wounds Thirty-Seven. Film at eleven. All good girls go to Heaven. But bad girls go EVERYWHERE.)
Once the glare of those bright lights has disappeared and you've collected what remains of your energy, (To say nothing (nothing!) of what remains of Our wits. (What happens when you’re down to your last wit? Can you still collect that? And is your last whit of wit more than or less than your last wit? And how do all of the foregoing relate to your last nerve? And what of the last straw…you know, the one that smoked a Camel on Brokeback Mountain? Inquiring minds want to know.))
(Kiss your brain goodbyeeeeee…and point Brenda Vaccaro…)
there'll also be autographs to sign. (Also commitment papers.)
Whew! (We’ll take “Words That Begin And End With W” for $500, Alex. What is “widow”…”willow”…winnow”…”wallow”.)
(Wow. (Heh.) Your brain is actually starting to eat itself. It’s like zombie cannibal brain. (Forget We said that…We just accidentally gave away a brilliant screenplay idea.))
Determined? Definitely. (And yet, only finitely ermined. Go figger.)
Hot on the trail? (More to the point, hot on the happy trail. (Did We mention that We spent last evening with college students? (Didja ever notice that the word “stud” is in there for a reason?)))
Absolutely. Discreet? No. (Absolutely FAAAAAABulous! Stoli, Sweetie Darling!)
Consider which of those qualities might be best received before you set out on your quest. (To follow that star, no matter how hopeless, no matter how far…to scream peanut butter ice cream.)
(In all honesty, your brain never stood a chance. Seriously. It’s a BLACK HOLE, folks.)
Whatever you've been telling yourself you really ought to say to the powers that be is exactly what you should say -- now. (Yeah, but, see, you’re assuming that, when We tell Ourself things, We listen.)
You're right, and you'll know it soon. (But if We don’t know it yet, doesn’t that mean that We’re wrong? No, really…THINK ABOUT IT.)
(What’s that you say? Only one brain cell left?)
(How many Zen Buddhists does it take to screw in a light bulb?)
(Strawberry.)
(BWAH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAH!!!!!!!)
(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:
http://www.humorscope.com
This is cowgrass. This is your brain on cowgrass. Any questions?)
Greetings, Epilady™ Razor Increases Chesthair---
(Oh, come on, Micro$oft Weird™…surely you aren’t trying to tell Us that you’ve never met a guy for whom “chesthair” is all one word? (We Our Own Self Personally are holding out for a guy for whom “chestNUT” is all one word, but that’s neither here nor Nair™.))
(The Funny…We has it.)
Here is your horoscope for Monday, April 05, 2010 (Happy birthday to OurMizDonna, who turns twenty-four today. And Happy Monday to the rest of you poor schnooks. We are up, as you can see, at the veritable cr@ck of @ssz, for no discernible reason whatsoever. But the sun, she shines, so perhaps We shall attempt to make an effort to create the illusion of making hay. If We can find the recipe. Although what We’re gonna do with it once it’s made, We haven’t got any idea.):
(Speaking of useless endeavors, We spent Easter evening East of Eden All About Eve…whoops, We slipped. We spent Easter evening watching a Jason Bateman fillum (jigga WHUT?), Extract. It was so forgettable that We were forgetting it as We were watching it. Ben Affleck was in it, as was Gene Simmons. Yes, from KISS. We’re sure it all seemed like a very good idea at the time. We are about to just give up on movies altogether, and concentrate on catching up on TV shows. We hear that somebody shot JR, and Lucy Ricardo had a baby.)
(Our Our-O-Scope.)
There's a link between each and everything you've ever done (Oh, dear sweet Jeebus.)
and where you are now. (And where exactly would that be?)
It's all contributed to making the present the best possible place to be. (How conVEEEEEEENient. Excuse Us while We just Manifest Destiny Rides Again We’re OK You’re OK and We’ve Got The Secret. Oh, and Shut. Up. Kelli.)
In other words, (Jasmine kabuki cervix. (What? Those were Other Words.))
do take time to thank all of your former incarnations, (Inchrysanthemums? Incalla lilies?)
both in this life and in others. (Yeah. We’ll get right on that.)
If you're sure you're done, get out. (Day-um! Who p00ped in YOUR porridge, Kelli?)
If you still have doubts and you're wondering if this might just be wrong place, wrong time, ask for the emotional equivalent of a comma. (Or a coma. Which, oddly, is generally longer than a comma. (“Ask for the emotional equivalent of a comma”…what a peculiar, peculiar metaphor. How does it relate to, say, asking for the emotional equivalent of a semi-colon? And would anyone actually be foolish enough to ASK FOR the emotional equivalent of a period? Interrobang-bang, I always will, because a gang-bang gives me such a thrill…))
Call in those favors. (And call out those flavors! Pistachio! Curry! Hassenpfeffer Incorporated! (Sorry. (Didja hear where Laverne and Shirley moved to California?)))
Whether it's a day off, a raise or that promotion you've waiting for, it's all yours -- and it's because you've earned it. (And here, We thought it was because We Manifested it. Like a manifesto. Or like Manifest Destiny. Manifestiny, for short. @sshat.)
(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:
http://www.humorscope.com
wow…I coulda had a cowgrass)
Greetings, Easter Rabbit Isn’t Chinchilla---
Here is your horoscope for Sunday, April 04, 2010 (Happy Easter to all of Our Christian friends! And Happy Zombie Jeebus Day to all of Our formerly Christian friends! And Happy Birthday to Ronnen, who turns twenty-four today! And Happy Weather! And Happy Interrobangs! Happy, Happy, Happy!):
(As you can see, We have precious little to report. We could tell you what We got in the mail the other day, but then We’d have to kill you. Also, We had a dream last night in which We had inherited a Tony-Soprano-esque business, complete with a Carmella-like wife and a right-hand-man with obvious aspirations for Our job. Except it didn’t take place in the suburbs of North Jersey, but rather in some dank dungeon of a concrete edifice which didn’t seem to have a bathroom. (Sooner or later, all of Our dreams wind up involving the bathroom. Our world and welcome to it.) We are wondering what, if anything, having too many ravioli and meatballs for dinner had to do with said dream.)
(Kiss Us quick, We’re James Gandolfini.)
(Our Our-O-Scope.)
You can safely act on your first impulse now in any and all circumstances. (Oh, you should probably not have told Us THAT.)
You've been bestowed with wisdom, well-deserved confidence and uncannily good timing. (BWAH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAH!!! (Also, how bizarre a word is “uncannily”? (Which does NOT, oddly enough, mean “recently let out of the can”.)))
Needless to say, (SO DON’T FU(KING SAY IT THEN!!!)
the fans will be quite impressed. (AAaaaaaannnnddd she said it anyway.)
Don't leave home without a stack of business cards. (See, this was all sounding like a really fun day until that bit. Can We make them monkey business cards?)
No matter how irritating your dear one happens to be, you'll rise above it all and be patient. (Yeah…you’re gonna wanna look at Chapter One of your Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulation) for Dumbasses book again. See also Aries: Impatient.)
Take one giant step now in any direction. (You are still just standing there, riiiight? Because she never said, “Simon says”.)
You'll end up on Park Place with tons of money tucked under your side of the board. (New York is where I’d razzer stay…I get allergic smelling hay.)
(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:
http://www.humorscope.com
It takes two hands to handle a cowgrass)
Greetings, Eggs Redyed Iridescent Chartreuse---
Here is your horoscope for Saturday, April 03, 2010 (Happy Holy Saturday! You do all realize that if biblical events were happening now, today would be an episode of CSI: Jerusalem. (That thought just came to Us after We typed Happy Holy Saturday, and was too good not to share.) We trust all y’all had a good Good Friday. We Our Own Selves Personally went bar-hopping. If you can count two bars as “hopping”. Both are new to the Philly scene, so herewith Our reviews: We started at Tabu, formerly the Italian restaurant Sal’s (formerly Frangelica’s) on 12th Street. They have done precious little remodeling with the exception of slapping up a lot of televisions all over the place. (They are allegedly a sports bar. We Personally did not witness any sports while We were there, but We saw a lot of sports commentary, which appears to involve ugly men hollering. (We say “saw” because they were playing (really excellent) music instead of the sound from the televisions.)) The bartenders were friendly, and served well-made, reasonably-priced drinks; We do so love it when Our Long Island iced tea actually looks like iced tea. They serve them, however, on cardboard coasters, and don’t seem to have such a thing as bar napkins. Good Friday Happy Hour at Tabu was sparsely attended, and, “sports bar” aside, neither the bar nor the clientele seems to have found an identity yet.):
(We then “hopped” (seriously…why is it “barHOPPING”? Does One pause at some point in the proceedings to make the little doo-doos rabbits make?) on over to JR’s on Locust Street, in the space most notably occupied by Girasole, but which has been about a million other things in between. Things were a bit livelier (and a bit more ethnically diverse) here. An interior designer had clearly been at work, although She would no doubt have been appalled to see drinks being served in plastic cups. And vastly inferior drinks to Tabu’s, We might add. Bar food is available here, and they have retained the brick pizza oven from one of the building’s former incarnations, so We got to sample some lovely brick oven pizza. (Both JR’s and Tabu have menus ranging from bar food to full dinners, which We intend to enjoy soon.))
(In other news, it will amuse at least some of Our fellow WaitStaffians to know that We dreamt last night of writing an entire script, much of it in rap, some in actual music, for Our upcoming show, The Mother Of All Sketch Comedy Shows. Starring Olivia Newton-John. Upon waking, We remembered not one word of it. Lovely.)
(Our Our-O-Scope.)
Feel like there's someone standing right behind you, guiding you in all your endeavors? (Oh, is THAT what he’s doing? We’ve been waiting and waiting for him to touch Us inappropriately.)
You're right. (Well, that’s good. Because We thought We were wrong once, but We were mistaken.)
He or she is what's known as a guardian angel, (Apparently, a guardian angel with gender identity issues.)
and this is only a cameo appearance -- so make it good. (It’s an angel. We would have thought “good” would be inherent.)
Pretend Santa's just called, wanting to know your shoe size. (Really? Because shoes for Christmas are a GOOD thing?)
It's definitely time to say I Do -- or I Do, too -- whether it's about marriage, cohabitation or just a declaration of affection. (Well. How very indiscriminate.)
You can relax, too. (Oh, sure. You SAY that NOW. But then We take off Our Spanx™, and the screaming begins.)
This is no fleeting thing. (It’s a fleeting enema.)
Having your feelings isn't an emotional indulgence. (It ain’t no Immaculate Exception, neither. (To refresh your mammaries, and for the benefit of Our n@ked skimmers, an Immaculate Exception is when you p00p, but you don’t get any on ya. You’re welcome.))
It's something that is necessary for your mental and physical health. (Like wheat germ. And c0caine.)
If you need to, take time off -- and no major decisions. (You heard the lady…)
(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:
http://www.humorscope.com
Nothing beats a great pair of cowgrass)
Greetings, Eggs Redyed Indigo, Cerise---
Here is your horoscope for Friday, April 02, 2010 (We noticed that We were remiss in neglecting to wish all y’all a Happy Maundy Thursday yesterday. Of course, none of all y’all hastened to wish Us a Happy Maundy Thursday neither, so whatevs. At any rate, Happy Good Friday, and We hope you have the day off, or at least half the day off. Here in Souf Philly, We’re pretty sure the chirren have had the whole d@mn week off…couple this with all their snow days, and they’re still gonna be in third grade for three months after they’re in fourth. (That was a little time-space continuum humor, for Our geek friends.)):
(Apparently, when you take a real-close-up pixture of peeps, they appear to be wearing glitter. Who knew?)
(If that is going to be the level of rhetoric in here this morning, apparently We are going to have to resort to telling jokes:
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!' The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.' 'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonnay.
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went golfing.
The Mother Superior and the young nun were late going shopping so they took a shortcut going through a tough neighborhood. A man jumped out from behind a dumpster and raped both the women. They began to gather themselves together and continued on to do their shopping. The young nun said, "This is awful. How will we tell the father we were each raped twice as we went shopping?" The Mother Superior said, "But we were each raped only once." The young nun said, "Yes... but we'll be going home the same way, won't we?"
THERE ya go!)
(Our Our-O-Scope.)
Your fiery energy is just right for hitting the streets and exploring new territory — or finding your way around your own backyard. (Well, since We don’t actually HAVE a backyard, We’re gonna do that first part. Yes, ladies and gerbils, We are taking Ourselves out for Happy Hour today. There are two brand spanking new bars in town (did He say “spanking”?) and We are going to investigate. Lock up your college students!)
See if your people are ready for a big adventure! (Wait…We have people? Kindly explain, then, why Our laundry is not yet done.)
You know quite well that some things extend across borders. (Was that a fat joke?)
You need some kind of foreign exchange, (Okay, fine, so We’ll fu(k a Mexican.)
(Ooops…We appear once again to have fallen into the Vat of Vulgarity. Too bad, so sad, @nal s3x with your dad.)
so you can broaden your perspective (It WAS a fat joke!)
and move past the everyday. (Okay, fine, so We’ll fu(k TWO Mexicans.)
Whether it’s a deep conversation with a traveler, a foreign art experience or even just eating a new cuisine, now is the time to live out all the richness and variety of this world. (“Hi, my name is Art, and I’m from Mexico. Let me show you my burrito.”)
(Smut, smut, and nothing but smut. Slut.)
An odd side effect of expanding your mind in this way is that your heart is likely to grow as well. (Whatever. Could We call a moratorium on @ssz growth? We’re not sure We actually fit out Our front door any longer.)
You might discover more similarities than differences. (Clearly, it is Anything Can Happen Day on the Mouseketeer Club.)
(Kiss Us quick, We’re Annette Funicello.)
Examine what it is you’re so intent on keeping out of your life that you decided to build real or imaginary fences. (The Heartbreak Of Psoriasis.)
You’re ready to spread your wings romantically, (To say nothing of Our legs. (Sssshhhh…say nothing!))
but first you need to unlock that cage you’ve built. (What? But then the Mexicans will escape…)
(Before We sign off, this just in from OurSara. It is work-safe, unless you work as, say, a pr0stitute at the Vatican: http://www.27bslash6.com/easter.html )
(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:
http://www.humorscope.com
are you a cowgrass fruit and nut case?)
Greetings, Elliptical Rhomboid Intersects Counterparallelogram---
Here is your horoscope for Thursday, April 1, 2010 (Happy April Fools Day! Alternatively, Foolish April Happy Day! (Micro$oft Weird™ wants to discuss the possessive apostrophe that should be appearing in “Fools”. However, it seems to be of the opinion that there is only one Fool, and, consequently, is lobbying for “Fool’s”, while We, having apparently met more people than Micro$oft Weird™ (i.e. two), are pretty sure it wants to be the plural “Fools’”. So here are some apostrophes: ‘’’’’’’’’’’; stick ‘em wherever ya want.)):
(Congratulations to Dena, a former fellow EAC inmate, who, We learn from Our SitOnMyFaceBook, has found herself a jawb with the Nebraskan Interbreeding Headquarters. This does, apparently, mean she will be moving to Nebraska, and supervising the interbreeding of Nebraskans, but We are happy for her nonetheless. (“Nonetheless” is an odd word, isitnot? Not, of course, as odd as its opposite, “lessthannuns”, but still odd…nonetheless.))
(We seem to be in a very silly mood this morning. We may have to wrap this up quickly, so We can play an April Fools joke on Ourself. And We were in a completely foul humor when We went to bed. Because people are, ya know, idiots. Presumably, they are still idiots today. But We just don’t care. Nanny-nanny-poo-poo.)
(Our Our-O-Scope.)
You're so eager to meet new people (No. New people are babies. Babies make too much noise, and p00p inappropriately. If We’re going to meet anybody, they need to be at least eighteen. We heard somewhere that there was a rule.)
and to entertain the ones you know and love in an extravagant fashion (What could be more extravagant than a daily horoscope that they can nakedly skim through and never comment upon?)
that you're likely going to attract a bit of attention for a while. (Speaking of attention, We have, of course, recently mentioned in these pages the upcoming WaitStaff show The Mother Of All Sketch Comedy Shows, coming in May to L’Etage, details to follow. Well, count yourselves among the first to hear (you wacky, zany, madcap cognoscenti, you) that the next show, Christmas in July, will be at the World Café Live! Oh, the places We’ll go! Stay tuned here for details, or check Us out at http://www.thewaitstaff.com or on SitOnMyFaceBook at http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/The-WaitStaff/177605379471?ref=ts )
You definitely won't hate it. (As We mentioned earlier in the week, We shall hate It even less once We’ve rubbed a college student all over It.)
Bring all of 'em along for the ride. (This face seats five.)
If you can't muster up the courage (Then clusterfu(k the mirage.)
to get their number now, you'll never be able to -- not even in your next life. (You heard it here first, folks…proof of reincarnation! We Our Own Selves Personally intend to come back as Johnny Depp’s underwear.)
So do it, already! (Pushy b1tch, ain’t’cha?)
Making your point won't be a problem. (Thrusting it into people’s hearts repeatedly will, however, be exhausting. We are thinking a spa day may be required.)
(Apropos of nothing, a few random neurons are firing and attempting to discover how something can be required if it was never quired in the first place. Meanwhile, some other neurons are attempting to come up with a definition for “rechoired”. We shall keep you posted.)
Trying to stop yourself from elaborating on every possible detail -- well, that might be. (Oh, did Our intervening bon mots totally decimate the sense of this sentence? Too bad, so sad, @nal s3x with your dad.)
Try to restrain your enthusiasm. (We shall make every effort. Seriously.)
(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:
http://www.humorscope.com
cowgrass…only her hairdresser knows for sure)
Greetings, Early Reports Indicate Chiaroscuro---
