Rocky Raccoon checked into his room only to find Gideon’s bible

Greetings, Extraterrestrial Raccoonesque Intruders’ Countercamouflage---


(What? “Raccoonesque” not a word? Oh, sure. Next thing ya know, Micro$oft Weird™ will be telling Us that Raquel Welch is a figment of someone’s imagination as well. (Did YOU know there was no C in “Raquel”? Because We, apparently, did not. The raccoon thing is, consequently, not nearly as amusing as it might otherwise have been. Sigh. If anyone is looking for Us, We shall be in the garden, eating worms.))


(Raquel Welch’s t1tz.)


(There…at least We were able to salvage a little something for Our str8 boi readers. (Although We feel it incumbent upon Us to mention to all you b0ner-poppin’ str8 bois (which is, of course, a phrase much like “pistol-packin’ mamas”, although a helluva lot more interesting from OUR perspective) that each of Ms. Welch’s personal t1tz will be turning seventy this year. Which would seem, according to the New Math, to make her a hundred and forty years old. Although We may have improperly carried a two.))


(Apropos of nothing, doesn’t “improperly carried a two” sound like a lovely euphemism for something absolutely vulgar?)


(In still other news, the WaitStaff's SitOnMyFaceBook page, which is currently hovering at 399 fans, has officially decided to start spitting out freebies when it reaches 500. Yes, ladies and gerbils, some lucky fan will be winning tickets to The Mother of All Sketch Comedy Shows when Our page hits 500 fans. (Hopefully, this will happen before the show does. Otherwise, your free tickets will have a serious dip in value.) Oh, and for you poor schnooks who need to purchase tickets, the event page now has ticket-obtaining info (which can be found directly here  .).


(Now go visit all those places, then come back and read the horoscope.)


Here is your horoscope for Wednesday, April 14, 2010 (Oh, are We just now getting around to saying that? My, how time flies when you’re having fudge. Happy Hump Day to all you Humpy Dudes and Dudettes who are Humping away out there in Hump-Hump Land.):


(Our Our-O-Scope.)


Pleasing anyone, whether they're a member of your family or a career associate, will be several times more challenging than you'd ever possibly imagined. (And, if you think Pleasing Anyone is gonna be tough, wait till you try Finding Nemo.)


Any attempts you make to 'fix' things could backfire. (See, now, We were just fixin’ (heh) to go on a fixing spree. We were gonna be spaying and neutering with reckless abandon. We had bought Ourselves a Weed-Whacker™, and We weren’t afraid to use it. And now this “backfire” bullsh1t. Sigh. You never lettuce have any fun.)


Why not go with the flow instead? (WAIT a minute…We can’t go on Our spaying and neutering spree, AND Aunt Flo is coming to visit? She’d better not expect Us to kiss her bloody grits.)


(We’re just gonna pause here for a mo-mo while all y’all find the mental floss.)


Don't waste time pouting if someone suddenly reneges on a promise or disappoints you. (We will waste time pouting if We d@mn well please, you lousy reneger. (Heh. If you are reading this aloud, We sure hope you aren’t in public.))


You're all grown-up now -- remember? (No. Because We’re SO grown-up that We have Alzheimers. Also, We have Alzheimers.)


(Heh. See what We did there? No, neither do We.)


That means getting used to others who aren't. (If the others don’t exist, We fail to see why We should have to get used to them.)


(That was a little Zen Buddhist humor, for Our existential friends. (In case you were wondering, while you were meditating, We were mentally looking up your loincloth.))


Careful, now. You could hurt yourself, or someone else if you're not paying attention to what you're doing. (It’s all fun and games till somebody points out that even though there’s no I in “team”, there’s also no I in “@sshole”.)


Force yourself to be vigilant. (See, “Force yourself to be vigilant”? Not funny. “Force yourself to be militant.” Hysterical! Perspectivez, We has them.)


Your demeanor won't be the stuff that etiquette books are written about (Although it would probably make a really funny cookbook.)


-- so this might not be the best day to ask for that raise. (Although if We can figger out how to get a raise before We get a JAWB, We will definitely be cooking with gas.)


(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:



http://www.humorscope.com/




cowgrass…melts in your mouth, not in your pants)

So grab your d1ck and double-click for p0rn, p0rn, p0rn

Greetings, Event Recurs Inevitably, Calendar-wise---


Here is your horoscope for Tuesday, April 13, 2010 (Oh, my dears. One of Those Dreams. (No, not THOSE; get your mind out of the gutter…it’s crowding out Ours.) One of those scary, scary dreams that’s so scary not because there are fire-breathing monsters and shape-shifting cannibals and Republicans, but is instead so scary because it’s so exactly like what could happen in real life. We are having douche-chills just reflecting on it, so We cannot even begin to tell you about it, but suffice it to say that We were at a party that We Our Own Selves Personally had organized and…no, We were right the first time; We cannot even begin to tell you about it.):


(We shall instead tell you to go visit the WaitStaff on SitOnMyFaceBook, where We are rapidly approaching 400 fans: http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#!/pages/The-WaitStaff/177605379471?ref=ts (We shall probably have to make a big to-do and give something away when We get to 500…anybody want a kidney?) Also, check out Our upcoming show page at http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#!/event.php?eid=113934875292286&ref=mf Information about actually buying the tickets you are pretending to want for The Mother of All Sketch Comedy Shows will appear there soon.)


(Our Our-O-Scope.)



Your life is going to change in more ways than you can probably imagine in the near future. (Is that a threat?)


Not only is there a New Moon in your sign, (But there’s a free set of Ginsu steak knives. In case you all of a sudden get served a Ginsu steak. Clazy Chinamen.)


but the planet of sudden change, (Menopausia?)


Uranus, is headed for Aries and will be there by mid-year. (And if you think THAT’S impressive, wait’ll ya see what’s headed for Uranus!)


Uranus is all about doing things differently to the way you used to do them before. (Betcha didn’t know THAT, didja? Buttsecks…it’s not just for breakfast any more.)


Where in your life do you want to break free from the past? (More importantly, where in your life do you want to break free from the pants? Suffer the n@ked skimmers to come onto…er, unto Us.)


Incidentally, Uranus is also about progressiveness and modernity (Put THAT in Uranus and smoke it. (Uranus jokes just don’t get old, do they?))


and for that reason is associated with the Internet. (This may come as a surprise to all y’all, as We know it did to Us, the fact that Uranus is associated with the InterNetz. However, upon reflection, We recalled the old adage that arguing on the InterNetz is like running in the Special Olympics; even if you win, you’re still retarded.)


(Because it cannot be said enough, Johnny Depp.)


Explore work (Go fu(k yourself.)


and other Internet options now. (The InterNetz are for p0rn.)



(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com

“cow” then g-r-a-s-s, cowgrass spells the very best…chocolate)

Walk, walk, walk, walk him up, walk him up the stairs

Greetings, Elegant Rebuttal Ignites Cigarette----


(Heh. See what We did there?)


Here is your horoscope for Monday, April 12, 2010 (A Very Happy Un-Monday To You! (If you didn’t sing that to yourself the first time, We’ll wait while you go back and do it again. (There, that’s better.))):


(Our ailment seems to be about seventy-five percent departed. We Our Own Selves Personally, on the other hand, seem to be dearly departed. Also, We seem to have mislaid (heh) the dearly beloved. Also also, isn’t it peculiar that “dearly” as in “dearly beloved” doesn’t rhyme with “pearly” as in “pearly gates”. (Apropos of nutting, We once assayed the role of Ol’ Cap’n in the musical Purlie. We were approximately twenty-four at the time. We shall have to scan a photo of Ourself in Our age makeup and padding…We would be lucky to make Ourself look that good for a night out these days. (For those non-musical-theatre-queens amongst all y’all, if you don’t know what “Ol’Cap’n in Purlie” means, just pretend We said “Colonel Sanders”. KThxBye.)))


(How many of you just let “apropos of nutting” slide right on by? You take Us for granted, you do. (Also, Micro$oft Weird™ appears to think that “nutting” is not a word. Which, come (heh) to think of it, explains a great deal.))


(We are about to do A Very Bad Thing. We are just telling you that upfront, so that We can disavow all knowledge of your actions should you or any of your IM Force be caught or killed. Also, so We can be assured that you have no one but yourself to blame when you do the thing We are about to tell you not to do. )


(On Saturday afternoon, We were out in the world, spreading good cheer and snot, the way One does, when Our pants rang, alerting Us to the arrival of a text message from TCBITWWW. In said message, he chastised Us for ever having introduced him to Sporcle. “Sporcle?” sez We, “The h3ll?” It subsequently became clear that TCBITWWW’s text had gone astray and was never meant for Us. Alas, it was too late, as We promptly arrived home and Googled “Sporcle” on Wikipedia….)


(Now here comes the warning: WHATEVER YOU DO, do NOT go to http://www.sporcle.com (which is, parenthetically, completely work safe) and start testing your knowledge by taking quizzes. Because, if you do, when you finally come to, it will be Thursday. June 14th. 2012. And you will have lost your job, and be homeless. But you will know what element comes after nitrogen on the periodic table.)


(We, of course, were busily demonstrating Our senility on a quiz in which One was expected to name actors who had been in Batman movies. We had most of them from the older set of films, and the main ones from the new films. We knew that We didn’t know the name of the guy who played Alfred the butler in the old set (it was Michael Caine in the newer set), and We were pretty sure We’d never remember most of the secondary characters from the newer set, because We LOATHED both Batman Begins and Dark Knight. (Sorry, Heath Ledger. You broke Our back, AND Our mountains, WHUUUUUTTTT?) However, We were stuck on who played Vicki Vale in the very first Batman of the older set. And, as We sat here, saying…OUT LOUD…”It’s that ugly blond chick, who divorced Alec Baldwin, and has an Oscar™ she doesn’t deserve for LA Confidential…”, We realized that We had finally and completely lost whatever was left of Our mind.)


(So yeah. Whatever you do, don’t go to http://www.sporcle.com . You’re welcome.)


(Our Our-O-Scope.)


You've seen the movie where the hero jumps from the bridge to the top of a speeding train, then chases and neatly nabs the soon-to-be-very-sorry bad guy? (Was that ugly blond chick in it? (You don’t think We’re gonna say her name, do you? If you can’t think of it either, you can just be tormented like We were. (We did ultimately figger it out. (We know you were worried.))))


Well, you may not be doing any train-leaping, (Eight trains a-leaping, nine ladies dancing, and a partridge in a pear tree.)


(FIVE!!! GOLDEN!!! RIIIIIINGS!!!)


(Which part of “lost Our minds” did you not understand?)


but it still wouldn't be wise to mess with you. (If you like it then you shoulda put a mess on it.)


You tried, but you just couldn't shut up (Obviously, We’ve met before.)


and not say those hurtful words. (That’s Us…saying hurtful words to the wartful herds. Since 2001.)


You can't take them back, but you can apologize. (Not only that, you should SEE Us accessorize.)


The sooner and sweeter, the better. (Also, the bigger the better, the more in the sweater. (That was for Our str8 boi readers. Now that they’ve all popped b0ners, for Our g@y boi readers: “The bigger the better, the more in the sweatpants.”))


Stop thinking about working out. (Fine, you’ve talked Us into it.)


Get up, get dressed and go work out. (But you just said…)


Muscles need actual participation from other body parts to become toned. (Wonderful. How ‘bout you shove ‘em up your @ssz and see what happens?)


(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com

cowgrass…I put that @#$%* on EVERYTHING!)

Just another Satanic Sunday

Greetings, Eating Roosters Invigorates Chickens---

Here is your horoscope for Sunday, April 11, 2010:

(Just a quickie, kidzzz, as We started Our day with laundry, followed by hacking up a lung at noon WaitStaff rehearsal for The Mother of All Sketch Comedy Shows. So here, for your Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopular) pleasure, this week's rantings of The Distracted Astrologer):

Ach, poor old Saturn. Worry is his default emotion since moving back into Virgo’s neat three-up two-down last week, and Monday is made to stir his worry pot. First off, he’s disappointed when Venus backs down on her promise to pop round with some paint charts. She thought she’d made a casual, if-you’re-not-too-busy-with-your-pilates-and-Jeremy-Kyle maybe, not a promise. Feeling frustrated by the greater wrongs in the world, Saturn rings Chiron. Together they set to making just one small thing better, by fixing some of the tattier bits of Correlation Street. At least, they would if they could get the paste table up.

Uranus and Neptune find the abandoned paste table on Tuesday. They turn it upside down and spend a happy few hours pretending to sail away to the land of the radioactive robot aliens. They are relieved that Pluto isn’t around to butt in: radioactive robot aliens make such a pleasant change from zombies.

The Sun and Moon meet briefly on Wednesday. Just long enough to distil one drop of pure energy, which they pop in a Marmite jar and put at the back of the top shelf. You never know when it’ll come in handy.

Saturday’s Pluto stomps around for someone to play zombies with. It’s the weekend, after all, what better way to unwind than to pretend to be the rotting undead. Venus tries to oblige, she really does, but her red bandanna and glinting gold tooth tell Pluto that she’d rather be off playing pirates with Johnny Depp. The little grumpy one stomps away to glower. Seeing his chance, Jupiter invites Venus for a pint of grog and a glimpse of his salty seadog.

The Sun makes the most of Arien energy on Sunday by helping Uranus and Neptune build a sail for the paste table, out of an old shower curtain and a bag of liquorice bootlaces. Hearing the fun, Mercury decides to go back for a look.

*
Wednesday has a potent Aries new Moon. Plant a spring wish for whatever you want to grow.
*

Aries
A midweek wish for a shiny red racing bike brings positive results but no helmet. Good job the weekend is on foot. Stuff your rucksack with high energy snacks, lace your boots good and tight, lead the way, and don’t let anyone kick the map into the river. Night time noises outside your tent are just high jinks, and I’m sure whatever it is that made those funny twig and moss human-like figures dangling from the trees will appreciate you retying their slipshod granny knots as far more appropriate buntline hitches. Avoid fingerpaints, unflattering camera angles, windowless houses, and don’t let anyone turn their back on you.

Taurus
Innocent attempts to fix the office loo or put up a shed this week will have repercussions enough to bring down world superpowers. Sit on your hands as your practise your Frank Spencer impersonation, Taurus, and hope it’s still a bit early for butterflies in China.

Gemini
Keep your hat pulled down and your hands in your pockets. Whistle softly to yourself. Carefully check the perimeter fence for possible escape routes: is that patch of earth soft enough to tunnel? Could you throw a blanket over the razor wire at the point where the searchlights don’t quite meet? Is the fence electrified or could it be snipped? Do nothing yet. Most importantly, make sure that nobody suspects you are doing anything more than enjoying a solitary stroll.

Cancer
Things are as strained as the last Bank Holiday teabag on its desperate, eighth dunking. Take dessert into work on Wednesday. Nothing woos doubters like a choice of lemon meringue of toffee cheesecake, and they can’t bitch about you with their mouths full.

Leo
The pressure’s on someone else during the week, Leo, and if your weekend isn’t fabulous, you’re doing it wrong. Sign nothing less than a nipple.

Virgo
It’s like déjà vu all over again, says Sidney in Scream. (And that’s the first Scream, goodness knows how many déjàs she’ll have vuing again and again by Scream 3. I don’t, I haven’t seen it yet.) This week, Virgo — with Saturn backed up into your sign, and your ruler slowing down and turning around — you’ll gradually begin to understand that what seems like Sidney’s tautological overkill is in fact a considered and precisely accurate use of language. Things will begin to déjà vu, all over again. (And if you’ve seen Scream 3, please hush.)

Libra
Just tell them you can’t be arsed. If it’s all a bit tangled, try out a Wednesday lunchtime wish to not need to be needed. One thread at a time.

Scorpio
Make a Wednesday lunchtime firewish to jiggle the innards of your old routine. Intrepid, you are.

Sagittarius
This week, the clawed paddy-paw of the regular nine-to-five flicks at your twitchy whiskered cheeks. Sneaking a naughty midweek interlude gets you through to the weekend, which is looking very good indeed. If you get that far.

Capricorn
Oo ‘eck.

Aquarius
Put right Monday’s wrong on Tuesday. Find a quiet space inside Wednesday to speak a wish aloud. All the wicked little pixies will work your wish for you with their little pixie hammers. You’ll find the results at the bottom of your bed on Sunday morning.

Pisces
This failure in communication is for you this week, Pisces (safe for work). Watch those mixed messages, or people will laugh in abbreviation while you drown. Alternatively, some people might dive in to save you from giggling, but not the ones you would like to see in Speedos.

Money money money…must be funny… in a rich man’s world.

Greetings, Estonia Retaliates, Invading Chad---


(An exhausted Chad is left weak, but begging for more.)


Here is your horoscope for Saturday, April 10, 2010 (Remember yesterday (who said “No”?) when We said We knew Our menopausal allergies were allergies because the rain which made the pollen go away made them go away? Well, apparently either the pollen came back with a vengeance, or We have the bubonic plague. And there’s nothing quite as nasty as having your bubons plagued. This is truly unfair, as We have way too much to accomplish, and way too short a time in which to accomplish it. We are slightly better this morning, but We suspect that’s only because We are hermetically sealed in OurHouseWhereWeLive, Our condition having been exacerbated yesterday by Our having the audacity to venture forth into the pollen-laden atmosphere. (“Pollen-laden” looks, for some reason, very peculiar to Us. However, We just Googled it on Wikipedia, and 31,900 other people have used it before Us. (Please stand by for an Osama bin Pollen Laden joke, as soon as We think of it.))):


(As if lying at death’s door weren’t (subjunctively) enough torture, We also have today’s Eric’s Daily Horoscope Subject Line Song Du Pour Au Jus Pas de Deus ex Machina Heeeey…Macarena stuck on an endless loop in Our head(s). We have no idea why this should be so, except for the fact that We did recently play “Mamma Mia” (the song, not the entire movie soundtrack) in conjunction with a rehearsal for the WaitStaff’s upcoming Mother of All Sketch Comedy Shows. (Gee, We sure hope We haven’t caused YOU to get some random ABBA song stuck in your head for the rest of the day. ‘Cause that would make Us sad.))


(Our Our-O-Scope.)


Motivation will only arrive via a very sweet, very attractive carrot at the end of a very expensive stick. (Is that a very sweet, very attractive carrot in your pocket, or are you just happy to see Us?)


Otherwise, you'll be far more interested in not being late for your nap. (Well. Was that ten of the most boring sentences ever spoken, or was it just Us?)


Stock up on provisions (While attempting to avoid antivisions.)


so you won't have to make that exhausting, endless journey to the grocery store. (Only Our Kelli The @sshat could combine grocery shopping and Sartre.)


Make a wish -- but be sure it's what you really want and what you're really ready for, because it will almost certainly come true. (Yeah. Because that’s what ALWAYS happens with OUR wishes.)


Arguing with you will be impossible. (No, it won’t.)


(Heh. See what We did there?)


Even the most deliberately provocative statements will barely raise your blood pressure. (That is because We are dead.)


It's good to be you, huh? (Lettuce just empty Our nose at you (atCHOO!), and We will show you just HOW good.)


It's not as much as you deserve, but you can certainly expect a bit more in your paycheck soon. (That’d be a pretty good trick, considering We ain’t got a JAWB.)


No fair jumping the gun, though. (Ya hear that, Mother Superior? (That was a little Beatles joke. For Our Beatles fan reader. Although he’s a n@ked skimmer, so he might’ve missed it. So We’re just going to sit here and picture him n@kedly skimming until he acknowledges Us.))


Wait and see. (At the A&P. By Jean-Paul Sartre. Cleanup on Aisle Five. For All Eternity. Hell Is Other Produce Managers. Double Coupons, Triple Ennui, Infinite Weekly Specials.)


(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com

please don’t squeeze the cowgrass)

Here’s the story of a man named Brady who was busy with three boys of his own

Greetings, Extemporaneous Riposte Incapacitates Chatroom---


(Okay, Micro$oft Weird™…so “chatroom” isn’t a word, but “buttonhook” and “petticoat” are? Methinks thy dictionary be inscribethed upon parchment paper by quill pen. (The proof of said pudding being the fact that you also don’t recognize “spellcheck”. (Although you DO accept “spellchecked” and “spellchecker”. So maybe you’re just a flighty b1tch. Eat Us, AND Our pudding.)))


(Consider this the “Chubby Checker” joke that We couldn’t fit into that last paragraph.)


(In Our never-ending efforts to enlighten and amuse you, We have attempted to upload another video today, after yesterday’s Abraham Lincoln fiasco. (Abraham Lincoln Fiasco being, of course, what many newly-freed slaves would have named their babies if the Civil War had (subjunctively) taken place in Southern Italy. (Our political incorrectnesses…let Us show them to you. (We trust you will not be surprised to learn that Micro$oft Weird™ doesn’t believe in “incorrectnesses”. Stick around, Micro$oft Weird™…We’re just getting warmed up.))) Today’s video uploaded just fine, so there must have been something wrong with the Abraham Lincoln video. (It emails just fine, however, so ask Us if you’re interested and perhaps We shall email it to you.) Today’s video will be of particular interest to any of all y’all who were wondering, as We were, what Barry Williams is doing for work these days. (Barry Williams being, of course, the thespian who created the seminal (heh) 70s television teen, Greg Brady. If you didn’t already know that, please watch the following movie trailer anyway. It is work safe (well, okay, he does say “d@mn”) and indescribably enlightening.)

Here is your horoscope for Friday, April 09, 2010 (Happy Friday, to those of you who care about such things. Our malady from yesterday has been clearly proven to be the result of allergies, as it has all but disappeared since the rain cleansed the air of pollen. So We have yet another scourge to annoy Us in Our dotage. Lovely.):


(Our Our-O-Scope.)


Everything will seem to make perfect sense, but that may not be the case. (Gee…ya think?)


If you're about to sign something, (Remember that Helen Keller is blind as well as deaf, so what’s the point?)


ask an impartial third party for a thorough review first. (Okay, or that.)


It's not that you won't be on your toes, but that your toes may not be touching the ground. (Well, not if they’re behind Our ears.)


All systems are go -- physically, that is. (Well, if they all go at the same time, there’re gonna be issues. Especially with Our toes behind Our ears.)


But your mental and emotional health (Say whut?)


are just as important as your blood pressure. (And yet, if you wrap a sphygmomanometer around your head, it doesn’t tell you anything. (Sound it out, boyzzz and gurrlllzz; We’ll wait.))


A day off with the shades drawn couldn't hurt. (What an excellent idea! We think We shall take the day off! (Oh, wait…))


Something is definitely brewing, (With Our luck, it’s tea.)


and although you can't quite put your finger on what it might be, (Honey, We haven’t put Our finger on anything in YEARS.)


you'd be willing to put money on it. (If We had any.)


Use that instinct. (Our instincts are largely extinct. In general, they stink, We think, and are not in the pink. Also, the reigning Dane flies mainly on de plane, Boss, de plane! Who’s on top tonight, Boss? (Because there’s ALWAYS time for a little (heh) Hervé Villechaize joke.))


(Okay, We’re outtie. Happy weekend!)


(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com

cowgrass…when it absolutely, positively has to get there overnight)

He’s The Wiz and he lives in Oz

Greetings, Extensions Reblackenize Indochinese Coiffure---


(Oh, fercrissakes, Micro$oft Weird™, don’t you know ANYTHING? Reblackenize: (vt) to blackenize again. (Blackenize: (vt) to cause to be blackener.) The opposite of rewhitelize. Read a book now and then. Jeebus.)


(Heh. “Rewhitelize”. We kill Us.)


Here is your horoscope for Thursday, April 8, 2010 (The weather, she is lovely, no? Lamentably, We find Ourselves under it. It is unclear to Us whether We have a cold, or whether We have developed allergies late in life. Clearly, Our male menopause is giving Us pause. Our throat is scratchy, Our nose is runny, and Our eyes are watery. We are great fun at parties. (There is also a pimple on Our butt. Which is, presumably, unrelated. But We thought you ought to know. (There isn’t really a pimple on Our butt. We just couldn’t think of a funny way to end this paragraph. Obviously, this wasn’t it.))):


(Comedy is hard. Speaking of which, as it has come to Our attention that it has been a while since We’ve had a video in here, here’s this. Abraham Lincoln is in it. It is not safe for work. (We’re gonna pause here for a mo-mo while y’all try to wrap your heads around the ramifications of the last two sentences.) Aaaaaaaannnddd here We go….)

(Okay, kidz, We waited AN HOUR for the video to "process", and it didn't. So now all y'all are just gonna hafta IMAGINE Abraham Lincoln in a not-safe-for-work video. You're welcome.)

(In other news, thank you to Our Sistah Ovella, who wished Us break a leg on Our audition yesterday.)


(Our Our-O-Scope.)


Ugh. (Seriously? You actually started your Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulation) with “Ugh.” Way to be “glass half full”, @sshat.)


It feels like the whole world is playing dodge ball, and you want no part of it. (Is it just Us, or does dodge ball absolutely epitomize everything that is stupid about sports?)


Your mantra for today? 'Whatever.' (Our mantra for tomorrow? ‘Totally’.)


(Really, if One knew this Kelli person in real life, wouldn’t One simply be compelled to kill her with an axe?)


Remember, (The Alamo. (We forget (heh) exactly why, but it sounds a lot better than “remember the enema.”))


every day can't be great, (Oh, the cheerfulness, it scalds Us.)


or how could you appreciate them? (“Them”? Who are “them”? How ‘bout somebody translates this cr@p into Engrish for Us, ‘kay?)


You've had all the bickering you can stand. (And yet, not NEARLY enough dickering. (Heh. See what We did there?))


You're ready to deliver an extremely terse good-bye. (Kiss the terse goodbyeeeee….and point your @ss at Charo…)


(Yeah, We know. We just did that joke recently. YOU try writing this cr@p every day.)


You're not quite comfortable with the way things are going, but at least you have a plan -- which is more than your opponent can say. (We’d like you to meet Our opponent, Helen Keller. WAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!)


Have your competitors met at the door by someone to gently inform them that this just isn't the best day to compete with you. (Wait…We have opponents AND competitors? Did We mention that We weren’t feeling well? Couldn’t We just have components? Or impeditors? (Oh, sure; now “impeditors” isn’t a word. Don’t MAKE Us reblackenize yo’ @ssz.))


Handing out flowers might soften the blow even further. (On the other hand, handing out bl0wj0bs is free. (But then We’d have to take “soften” out of the sentence.))


(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com

cowgrass…when you care enough to send the very best)