When the Moon is in the Seventh House, and Jupiter aligns with Mars

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Friday, January 14, 2011.  Happy birthday to Ed, who turns twenty-four today.  And Happy Friday to all you poor working stiffs. (How DO you work with those stiffies?  Is puzzlement.)  Here at Casa de Loonie, Himself is still wrestling with visions of sugarplums, having finally finished celebrating Christmas last night.  Leaving Yours Truly to contend with the Return Of The Leak In The Bathroom.  So if I could just persuade one of you to come over to our house, go to the bathroom, and take a leak, that would all be settled.

I kid.

What this actually means is that I shall spend the morning attempting to get ContractorBoi (or those who know him) to divulge the name of the roofer he hired to (apparently temporarily) fix this leak in the first place.  Which should be a rare treat, since, as long-term readers will recall, ContractorBoi hasn’t returned a phone call since September of 2009.  My world and welcome to it.

Of course, the Big Story On Ass(tromalogical) Action News is the recent revelation that your sign may not actually be your sign.  Fortunately, a chair is still a chair, even though there’s no one sitting there.  A thirteenth sign has been added to the zodiac by experts (and, by “experts”, I mean “people who should know better”).  That sign is called, as near as I can tell, “OhFuckUs”, aka “Slippery When Wet”, and its existence would seem to indicate that both Starzina and Himself are actually Pisceses instead of Arieses.  Which is why that’s the last you’ll be hearing of THAT nonsense in these pages.

A major roadblock is all you can see; (If I could see a roadblock, I’d use it to plug up my leak.  Because, lord knows, if I wait for some str8 boi to learn to use his telephone, I’ll be filming a new Poseidon Adventure remake in here in no time. (I will pause at this juncture and wait while you get all those Shelley Winters jokes out of your systems.  Bitches.))

(Why do I suspect that, even if there were (subjunctively) Gay Yellow Pages, One could use them to find roofies, but not roofers?)

 it’s blinding you to other options. (Fortunately, I have a seeing-eye lemur.)

If you can take a deep breath and look around, you may find a detour that is just as satisfying — if not more so!  (If, on the other hand, you can take a leak, come-on-a my house, my house, I’m gonna give you candy. (That “take a leak” joke just doesn’t get old, does it?))

(Shaddup.)

‘Habits’ rhymes with ‘rabbits,’ (And “heinous” rhymes with “Uranus”…what’s your point, you dizzy cow?)

and maybe that’s because both reproduce themselves like mad. (Or, as the kidz would say, “like whoa”.  (Ya gotta love the kidz…they’re alright.))

So if you’ve got any not-so-terrific habits (Stick a nun in ‘em and move on.)

why not make a real effort to stop the cycle? (I want to get off.)

Today is a good day to free yourself of an ongoing, self-defeating habit or two, (If you squint at that sentence, “ongoing, self-defeating” turns right into “orangutan”.  Go ahead; try it and see.  I’ll wait.)

and you will be amazed at how much more smoothly things go once the bad habit is under control — and out of the way. (Why, you make that all sound like so much fun…let me just go get hooked on heroin, just so I can kick the habit. (Hey, I went to Catholic school…kicking the habit would be a dream come true.))

Good luck!  (You suck, Peking duck.)

(What?)

Obstacles are just part of your journey, and could actually be helpful now. (Obstacles are fine, as long as they don’t get in my way.)

If a date cancels (Yeah, I hear there’s gonna be no February 3^rd this year.)

or you just can’t get excited about your search, jump at the chance for some introspection. (Is it just me, or do “jump at the chance” and “introspection” not seem to go together?)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

I got my nuts from a hippie in a camper van on Saturday night

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Thursday, January 13, 2011.  Happy birthday to John G., who turns twenty-four today all the way over on the Left Coast in San Francisco.  Which is where Tony Bennett left his heart, and where any number of other gentlemen have done all sorts of things with various other organs.  And which is also the home of Rice-A-Roni™, the San Francisco treat. I don’t know about you, but when I finally make it out to visit San Francisco, I want a better damn treat than Rice-A-Roni™.  I’m just sayin’.  Meanwhile, did you know that Rice-A-Roni™ Fried Rice, which used to have those little slivers of almond in it?  In fact, it may even have been called Rice-A-Roni™ Fried Rice With Those Little Slivers Of Almond In It?  Doesn’t have those little slivers of almond in it any more. And they didn’t even have the decency to change the name to Rice-A-Roni™ Fried Rice WITHOUT Those Little Slivers Of Almond In It.  It’s either a cost-cutting measure, or else it’s something to do with all of these children and their nut allergies.  Where did all of these children come from all of a sudden?  When I was a child, if someone gave you nuts to eat, you ate them and you liked them.  These namby-pamby children today, you so much as SHOW them your nuts, and they spontaneously combust or something.  Jeebus.

(Two weeks writing this fu(king horoscope, and I’ve apparently turned into Andy Rooney.  Please come and kill me now.)

Speaking of fried rice (how’s THAT for a segue? (What’s a segue?  About a pound and a half.)), Himself is still fast abed, having worn his own self out completely shoveling snow yesterday.  When last heard from, he was having a dream in which he actually Went Home With A Boy.  Just like they do in the movies.  Well, some movies, anyway.  Of course, being Himself, as soon as he got into the boy’s home, he promptly started making fried rice. (From scratch, mind you, not Rice-A-Roni™ Fried Rice Without Those Little Slivers Of Almond In It. (I am NOT making this up.)) Because, obviously, he hadn’t read his “Going Home With Boys” manual in quite some time.  And, I might add, he was making said fried rice with no shirt on.  Because obviously, in addition to not having read his “Going Home With Boys” manual in quite some time, he had also been neglecting his “101 Common Kitchen Disasters And How To Avoid Them” manual as well.

Now, at this juncture, the astute readers among you, in addition to congratulating yourselves on being able to read a stute, are firmly convinced that you know exactly how this dream is about to veer into nightmare, via spattered hot oil and singed lychee nuts.  WRONG, Won Ton Breath!  There is Our Hero, slicing, dicing, and fried ricing away, nipples to the wind and tits akimbo, when the Boy He Went Home With’s apartment door opens and in walks The Boy’s mother.

Who is a Chinawoman.

And then he woke up.

***********************************************************************************

I put that row of stars there so you could rest your eyes a moment before moving to a completely new topic, now with thirty-seven percent more of Those Little Slivers Of Almond In It.  Today’s Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus No Mus No Fus Popping Pimples For The Pus Rosa Parks In The Front Of the Bus (I REALLY need a new name for those, now that I’ve taken over writing these horoscopes) comes to us from the lovely and talented Cole Escola, star of Logo’s Jeffrey and Cole Casserole.  You can see much more of his wit and wisdom here:  http://coleescola.wordpress.com/2011/01/12/doodle-113/

You need to have patience with today’s big issues (I want Those Little Slivers Of Almond back, dammit!  What kind of San Francisco Treat doesn’t have any nuts in it?))

— they don’t resolve easily, and the more you push or pout, (Or poop?)

the more they resist. (The name is Force.  Irresistible Force.  Pleased to meet you, Mister Immovable Object.)

The answer comes slowly, and through group effort.  (A group poop, you say?  How exactly does THAT work?)

(Carol Channing:  “Corn?!?  When did we have corn?”)

The universe is downright insisting that you turn your attention toward your checkbook. (Speaking of black holes…)

(Heh.  “A Chinawoman.”  Sometimes, I just tickle myself.)

And that doesn’t mean just balancing it, either. (Oh, of course not.  I’ll probably have to make it fried rice from scratch.  But I’ve got news for you…it isn’t getting any look at my tits.)

You need to go over all your finances with a fine-tooth comb. (Apparently, my finances have pubic lice.)

Once you’re done, (Stick a fork in me.)

 if you need to put your foot down about a bill, a debt or what someone owes you, go right ahead — especially if you’ve already been far too patient. (See also: Aries, Definition Of.  “Patient”?  The hell you say.)

A new P.O.V. has you seeing things in a new way. (Presumption Of Virginity?  Pantsuit Of Velour? Peruvian Orgasm Vendor?  I’m so confused…)

Are you ready for that new date or next move move? (Yes, indeedy doo.  Have wok, will travel.  My fried rice brings ALL the boys to the yard.)

Check your motives (Screw that…check your nuts.)

— if you’re making a big change, (As long as your nuts are still there, you haven’t made The Big Change yet.)

make sure it’s for the right reasons. (Which are well known to her.)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

Shake your new maracas and you’re fine

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Wednesday, January 12, 2011.  Surely you didn’t imagine that I would desert you on this oh-so-special combo of Snow Day and Hump Day?  If we all play our cards properly, perhaps we can make it Hump The Snow Day (or, as Himself would have it, Hump The MotherHumping Snow Day), and won’t we make some very peculiar angels then?

Himself is actually out shoveling (WHY does “shoveling” only have one L?  Doesn’t that look wrong to you?) the snow as we speak, ours being the last house on the block to be cleared away.  All the OTHER Real Housewives Of South Philly clearly sent their husbands out to shovel at the very crack of ass this morning.  On the plus side, we only got about six inches (all together now: “That’s what she said”) and the sun is now shining.  On the plus siZe, Himself’s assz.

(Micro$oft Weird™ wants to make “Himself’s” two words, i.e. “Him self’s”.  I say, let’s not make him any bigger than he already is.)

In case you’re finding your day a little slow-starting, here is a perky little music video to perk your unperked self right the perk up, perkers.  This is courtesy of OurMizDonna, who is, of course, perky and well-perkolated in her own right.  It is safe for work, unless you work for, ya know, Jews, or Muslims, or heathen pagan atheist Satan-worshippers.  And a-one, and a-two…

That inner tension you're feeling (Oh, I know…leave it to me to accidentally set my vibrator on “puree”.)

will easily translate into the urge to push, prod (And poop?)

and otherwise aggravate anyone (Or that.)

who dares to come within shouting distance. (If they plan on getting that close, they’d better warn me first…I haven’t bathed.)

You can handle this. (You haven’t even met me, Luv.  I think you’re just making this stuff all up.  Why don’t you get hold of an ephemeris and do some actual Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulation)?  Dizzy cow.)

Take the day off, and watch old Schwarzenegger movies. (That’s the bloke who’s King of California, innit?  So the movies would HAVE to be old, then, wouldn’t they, because he’s not making any new ones?  D’you think I’m stupid just because I’m not American?  Wanker.)

 It's best. (Tits chest, Beau Geste, Falcon Crest.  (I have no idea what just happened there,))

 Being coy just won't work. (And being koi would be downright absurd.  After all, it’s truly no day for a pond.)

Whether it's you or the object of your affection who's playing hard to get, just saying yes is the only way to go.  (That doesn’t even make any sense.)

 Angry? Cranky? Irritable? (Hey, you have YOUR Seven Dwarves, I’ll have MINE.)

Ready to just about jump out of your skin, even if you're not provoked? (There’s a Silence of the Lambs   joke in that paragraph, just begging to be let out.  Kiss me quick, I’m Jodie Foster.  (Didja hear the one about the Polish lesbian?  She liked men.))

That's not how you're feeling -- yet. (Yet, nyet, yeti, Yentl…nope, nothing funny there.  Moving on…)

But if someone should cross that thin line .... (Are they crossing that thin line with a Thin Mint™?  Because I could go for a Thin Mint™ right about now.  You?)

 You've been given too much to do in too little time (So many men, so little time.)

-- and somehow you've neglected to mention the time element to the powers that be. (We’re not speaking.)

Next time, pipe up. (That’s right, gents…hold those crack pipes high!)

 

 

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

I fell in to a burning ring of fire

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Tuesday, January 11, 2011.  Yes, ladies and genitals, it’s 1/11/11.  Or, as we would say, much more symmetrically, I might add, in the UK, “11/1/11”.  Of course you Yanks will be saying that on November 1^st   and we’ll have to endure this entire boring discussion of pseudo-significance All. Over. Again.  Meanwhile, about the only significant thing that’s set to happen today is the dumping of yet another metric fuckton of snow over the Northeast Corridor. (If rain is the angels peeing, then presumably snow is the angels pooping…someone should really look into those bitches’ diet.)

In other news, happy birthday to Our MizCynthia, who turns twenty-four today.  Which explains the pixture of my future ex-husband, Johnny Depp, whom I always lend out on the occasion of MizCynthia’s natal anniversary.  Tell you what, Ducks, if you get snowed in, you can keep him through tomorrow. (He’s not been quite right ever since he made that movie with Angelina Jolie.)

Speaking of not quite right, visions of sugarplums, amongst other things, are still dancing about in Himself’s head.  If I could just figure out how to hook him up to a DVR, I’d be a rich woman.  Two nights ago, there was some epic involving him driving (!) an enormous moving truck, followed by an Amtrak train.  Last night, he had his recurring school dream (he’s back in school, high school in this instance, it’s the end of the semester, and there’s a class that he’s registered for but never been to) as well as a dream in which he was off to visit friends in Greater Bostonia, and ran into one such friend in a cab en route to  the airport.  You would think he would wake up exhausted, but he’s just his usual cranky, ornery, obnoxious self.   Sigh.

You meet someone new today who may turn you on to something awesome (Who exactly am I supposed to meet during the coming Snowpocalypse?  The Abominable Snowman?)

— so keep an open mind. (My mind is WIIIIDE open…in fact, things keep falling out of it.)

It may be someone from far away, (Perhaps a Chinaman, bringing food on a bicycle.  (I could eat an egg roll right about now…you?))

and you may have to deal with a language barrier, (Can’t I just press One for English?  (All together now: “Press One WHAT?”))

but you don’t mind.  (Not three sentences ago, you said to keep my mind open.  Now, apparently, my mind has fallen out of my mind.  Clearly, you are a stupid, stupid woman.)

Your relationships will be more emotional today, and that’s a very good thing — it’s time you realized how valuable the people in your life are. (Wait…you mean I can return them for cash?!?  Do I need a receipt?)

Gratitude swells in your heart (The ambulance, no doubt, will be unable to make it through the snow.)

— when you see what could have been, you are thankful to be on this path that others have led you down.  (Notice how the path goes DOWN.  Ah, yes, the downward spiral of Fortuna….I know it well.)

 At this high point of relating, (Was that supposed to be English?  You crazy Americans!)

take a chance and ask for what you need. (Now, why didn’t *I* think of that?  A winning PowerBall™ ticket, a winter home in the Caribbean, and the Swedish Olympic Men’s Swim Team.)

It will be an exhilarating act, full of self-affirmation and truth. (That’s what she said.)

(Also, it will be a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, dignifying stuffing.)

(Mmmm…stuffing.)

You will come away a happier person. (And spreeeaaad sunshine all over the place…just sit on my happy face.)

Spontaneity pays off in a big way. (Well, then, I’ll have to schedule some of THAT, then, won’t I?)

If you learn of a great show happening tonight, (It will be cancelled due to snow.)

or maybe a cooking class that sounds too good to be true, (They’ll probably have a lovely recipe combining bread, milk, and toilet paper.)

get right on it. (And me, without my snowshoes.)

Someone amazing could be waiting for you. (So are you saying he’s a waiter, then?  However will he support ME on TIPS?)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

White boys give me goose bumps, white boys give me chills

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Friday, January 07, 2011.  A lovely dusting of white powder all over everyfing, and me without a straw.  Sigh.  I am letting Himself continue to sleep until the snow stops, at which point he will have to get up and shovel it.  (Surely you didn’t expect THIS delicate flower to risk life and limb to shovel snow?!?  In THESE shoes?)  When last heard from, Himself was having a vividly detailed dream about vacationing on a Caribbean island, in which, amongst other Gidget-y activities, he drove a speedboat and did that thing where you fly along behind it as well…do I mean parasailing?  (We don’t have beach sports in England.)

At any rate, happy Friday to everyone, and I trust you’ve all made it to wherever you needed to go without falling on your bums.  (This is not to imply, of course, that any of YOU have more than one bum.  Although Himself, these days…)

If any of you has any experience with or information about webcams, now would be the time to share (and Cher alike).

In other news, it has been one week since I took over the writing of Eric’s Daily Horoscope, and already the eyes of the media are upon us!  We received commentary on yesterday’s installment from none other than Laurie Corzett, aka libramoon, and have subsequently enrolled in her Yahoo group and are awaiting further developments with bated breath (which, if Himself were (subjunctively (DAMMIT!)) writing this, would be pointed out as being not at all the same as BAITED breath.))  As I am well aware that Eric’s Daily Horoscope readers are stone lazy (oh, you are so…he is still waiting to learn who Google follower Chris Ohm is, and I bet not one  of you answers the plea about the webcam), I shall reproduce Ms. Moon’s comment, complete with poem, here:

1 comments:

libramoon said...

You are invited to help to form what we continue to become:


http://groups.yahoo.com/group/seerseeker/

gypsy hand

Too brite days
midnights that refuse to
abide dark and secret
as empty phrases chant
to fairytale Moons
I tell myself
This is no ordinary room
This is no fleeting flittering life
This is a magical passageway
sparkling like mica, like miracles

Quiet traces
luminous impression
a trailing kite tail binds
silent whimpers, sojourning whispers,
tears shining behind mime smiles

Crone's gnarled fingers, playing
to spite agony
simulate touch
beyond ache 
Too brite cell,
crouched scarred shadow
I cast silhouette of metamagic gypsy
hand
offering

Laurie Corzett - libramoon42@mindspring.com
http://emergingvisions.blogspot.com

January 6, 2011 6:06 PM 

Everyone knows you’re a great leader, (He plays a mean Simon Says, as well.  Just so you know. I mean, in case you were wondering.  Never know when you’re going to want a rousing volley of Simon Says, do you?)

and most people can see that you need them as much as they need you. (Mm-hmm.  So how ‘bout some of them come and shovel our snow?)

 It’s a really good time for you to give and take in equal measure. (That sounds more like the Hokey-Pokey than Simon Says, dunnit?)

Everyone wins!  (Not much of a game, then, is it?)

(Leftover Christmas cookies...the Breakfast of Champions. (Actually, I am saving Himself from Himself.  A few more cookies for HIM, and he’ll need an entire new wardrobe.  And you really can’t shovel snow in a muumuu.))

After a lot of recent socializing, (One can, presumably, socialize with socialists and commune with communists.  But what the hell does one do with fascists?)

you are finally getting the chance to spend some quality time on your own. (Ah, yes…time with me is definitely quality time!  As some of you would find out if you’d bovver to get in touch.)

(We interrupt the Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulations) to bring you this:  followers of cultural news (which, as readers of Eric’s Daily Horoscope, is ALL of you, yes?), will have no doubt heard about the controversy in which some authority figure skater or another set out to replace all of the N-words in Mark Twain’s Huckleberry Finn  with “slave”.  Well, herewith a more twenty-first century choice, in which they are all replaced by “hipster”:  http://www.lulu.com/product/paperback/the-hipster-huckleberry-finn/14451414  (Parenthetically, am I the only one who, when someone says the phrase “the N-word” these days, has an overwhelming urge to say, “Ninja?”))

(Ninja, please.)

You may think you still want to be out and about enjoying the wild life today, (The sun is currently melting the snow that was going to require shoveling.  There is now no telling what I might do.)

but once you get a little taste of solitude, (Too late…I already ate Christmas cookies.)

you will settle right in happily. (Which is the opposite of crappily, but not as much fun as slaphappily.)

If you’re meeting someone today, keep things light and breezy. (Who the hell would I be meeting on a day like this?  Frosty the SnowNinja?)

 It’s not a great time to cut to the chase (Or to cut the cheese.  (Many Americans don’t realize how much we British love a good fart joke.  Unfortunately, that wasn’t one.))

or share your deep, dark secrets. (I was going to write a whole Mandingo-based long-form joke here, but then I decided I couldn’t be arsed.)

Be patient and let things happen — this might have potential.  (So what you’re saying Kelli, is that this potentially has potential?  Stupid American cow.)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

I don’t want to wait for our lives to be over

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Thursday, January 06, 2011.  Happy Feasting On Epiphany Day, to all of my str8 boy readers who enjoy feasting on Epiphany (and her cousin, Sucretia). I went and Googled “January 6” on Wikipedia to be certain that I had my dates correct, as the Church of England frowns upon feasting on Epiphany (at least in public (or, in Olde Middle English, “publick”, which is much more apropos in this case)).  Did you know that, on this date in history, absolutely nothing happened? Seriously.  The most interesting thing I found was that on this date in 1994, Olympic authority figure skater Nancy Kerrigan got her knee whacked.  And that wasn’t even interesting when it happened.

Speaking of white trash (Tonya Harding), a recent lesson learned around these parts is that you can put white trash in an evening gown, but it’s still white trash.  I am needlepointing a sampler.

Himself is still nestled all snug in his bed; when last heard from, he was having a dream where he was in a road movie with Joshua Jackson.   He might as well sleep, poor thing, because nothing in his real life will compare to a road movie with Joshua Jackson.  Hell, nothing in his real life will compare to a road movie with JERMAINE Jackson, but there you are.

You have a way with new activities (But that’s nothing compared to the way we have with new INactivities.)

— you need to try them out and suggest them to others. (Indeed.  Because others so often pay any attention to me.)

Your brainy energy (Excuse me?)

 is just right for exploring and being the first to catch on to a new trend.  (Alternatively, for whoring and putting your snatch on a new friend.  Cheeky monkey.)

You have a very sharp eye today, so use it!  (I shall use it to cut buns.  (What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?))

You will be everyone’s hero if you look closely at any out-of-the-ordinary events and expose the truth for all to see. (I don’t mind the cape, but I won’t have to wear tights, will I?)

Sure, there are problems at hand (NO!...Really?)

that are obvious to everyone, (Which part of “duh” did everyone not understand?)

but you have an ability to see the problems behind the problems (To say nothing of the problems behind the problems behind the problems.  And the other problems behind those.  It’s just a big old thicket of problems, it is.  And that’s a sticky wicket, not a Golden Ticket. Kick it, prick it, Jiminy Cricket.)

(Life is just a musical comedy, innit?)

and call out those responsible. (“THOSE RESPONSIBLE!”)

(See what I did there?)

Today you will finally begin to believe that you were born to be a leader — because people are beginning to follow you so enthusiastically.  (So, wait…you can see those people following me as well?  Because for a minute there, I thought I was being paranoid.  Of course, it’s difficult to decide if you’re paranoid or not when everyone actually is out to get you.)

Be careful what you say around that crush today. (“So, Prince Harry, do you know what House Uranus is in?”)

 Someone may be working against you, (Ya think?)

and if you’re not careful, you could find a knife in your back. (Or a bee in your bonnet.  Or a lemur in your knickers.  (I shot a lemur in my knickers once….what it was doing in my knickers, I’ll never know.))

Keep your friends close — but your enemies closer. (Also, keep your eyes on the stars and don’t stop looking for Uranus.)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

Take one step and see what it gets you…one step up and see how it gets you down

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Wednesday, January 05, 2011!   Happy Hump Day to all you Humpers and Humpables.  (I’m not especially well-versed in American telly, but I think that was the family’s name on The Cosby Show, yes?)

There is absolutely nothing noteworthy to report here, but I am determined to keep churning out these epistles until someone acknowledges that there has been A Changing Of The Guard.  Himself has taken to his bed with his hot water bottle and his woolly penguin after last night’s WaitStaffian business meeting forced him to focus on the same subject for more than six consecutive minutes.  (“Woolly penguin” is, of course, a euphemism, but I prefer not to imagine for WHAT.) Also, he was traumatised by the discovery that his CVS was closed due to a fire.  Why that should have any impact is beyond me, as there are three other perfectly good CVSs that he can go to.  And that’s not even counting the one in the Walgreens.  It’s like the fu(king Starbucks of drug stores, that CVS.

Meanwhile, here, without further ado adieux doodoo cockatoo (I SWEAR he has macros embedded in this thing) is our shared Aries horoscope. (I realize that most of you aren’t certified Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist)s as I am, and, consequently, in addition to having no idea where Uranus is, you can’t quite fathom the depth of my feeling about the fact that Himself and I share an astrological sign.  Let me explain it in terms that even a layperson (where does one find a layperson?  It’s so difficult to get good help these days.) can understand.  It’s the same feeling that you yourself would have if you and a homeless person shared a toothbrush.  That the homeless person had used to anally pleasure a sewer rat.

How I got screwed out of that Poet Laureate job, I’ll never know.

You need to enmesh yourself in a group of some kind today, (It’s a bit nipply for mesh, Sweetie.)

even if you see yourself as a lone wolf.  (Ah, I see.  A GROUP of lone wolves.  Kelli, you are not just any moron, you are an OXYmoron.  It’s like those ads you see for the Latter Day Saints…”I’m Poindexter T. Buttmunch…father, pantysniffer, Moron.”)

Your personal energy needs others in order to fully activate, (Much like the Wonder Twins and the Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers. (“Wonder Twins” being, of course, a euphemism, and “Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers” being very gay superheroes in funny tights.))

so try it out and see what happens. (How many horrific events have been kicked off with that very sentence?)

Remember that you have one of the best guts around (Which is nothing compared to the size of his @ssz.)

in terms of instinct, that is!. (Well, something stinks, anyway.)

 So this recent bout of self-doubt is completely unwarranted and unnecessary. (If “warranted” is the opposite of “unwarranted”, and “necessary” is the opposite of “unnecessary”, what’s the opposite of “unique”?)

(Also, why is “aunt” the opposite of  ”uncle”?)

Today you need to trust yourself!  (The Euphemism Police would be having a field day in here today!)

This day offers you a big opportunity to try out your new optimistic self-assurance (As soon as you get it fully inflated, that is.)

— and the best part of it is that it will be fun and completely risk-free. (“So try it out and see what happens.” (Whereupon commences the Chicago Fire.))

Consider it training wheels for a healthier ego. (I’m just gonna go right ahead and give a shout-out to all the str8 boy readers and change the preceding to “Consider it a training bra for a healthier ego.”  You’re welcome.)

 Your ability to see the future will grow stronger once you start listening to yourself again.  (Sorry…what?)

Your personal space is kind of a mess, (To say nothing of his personal face.)

and it’s starting to impact your emotional state. (Nebraska.)

No one can function with all this madness, so choose one area to focus on and make it sparkle. (Oh, that’s all we’d need…Himself with his paws on a Bedazzler™.)

Baby steps are progress. (Really?  Where the hell is stepping on a lot of babies going to get us?)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.