Always love

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for WeekendAtBerniesII, March 24, 2012.  Andrew McCarthy isn’t exactly Rob Lowe, izzy?

This is going to be a truncated e-pissode of Erix Daily Horoscope, as We have Things To Do.  But We did want there to be a new post, as We have a new video for you to resoundingly ignore:

 http://youtu.be/jy65nirv_BM

Also, we don’t want to stop bringing this to your attention:

Those of you who were fans of Michael Doherty, who played Justin Bieber  in Our Pisces video,  might want to check out this video for his latest project, a Fringe show coming in September entitled Jeff Coon and Ben Dibble Must Die.

Here is the link to the project’s KickStarter, where you can go to donate to the cause:  http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/theempire/jeff-coon-and-ben-dibble-must-die

And, as the glass-eyed hooker said in that horrible old joke, keep an eye out for the show, which is having a limited run at the beginning of this year’s Philly Fringe Festival, which begins September 7^th.

It certainly does feel good to plug someone else for a change.  (Ooops…did that not come out right?)

Speaking of horrible jokes, a playwright friend put out a SitOnMyFaceBook plea for everyone’s favorite short dirty jokes.  We, naturally, contributed Our Tourette’s Syndrome joke, but here, for your weekend edification and reading pleasure, are some of the other contributions:

So a man walks into a bar, and sits down. He starts a conversation with an old guy next to him. The old guy has obviously had a few. He says to the man:

"You see that dock out there? Built it myself, hand crafted each piece, and it's the best dock in town! But do they call me "McGregor the dock builder"? No! And you see that bridge over there? I built that, took me two months, through rain, sleet and scorching weather, but do they call me "McGregor the bridge builder"? No! And you see that pier over there, I built that, best pier in the county! But do they call me "McGregor the pier builder"? No!"

The old guy looks around, and makes sure that nobody is listening, and leans to the man, and he says: "But you fuck one sheep..."

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A guy walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of tequila. The bartender pours them out and the guy does one after another without stopping.
The bartender asks the guy "What's the occasion?"

And the guy says, "My first blow-job." 
"Awesome," says the bartender. "Have another one on me."

"Thanks," says the guy. "But I don't think it will take the taste out of my mouth."

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A pedophile and a 5 year old boy are walking into the woods. They walk for a very long time and soon it starts to get dark. The trees start creaking, the wind starts howling and the little boy realizes he doesn't remember the way back through the dark forest and starts to sob. The pedophile looks at the little boy and says, "You think you're scared? I have to walk back alone!"

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Two kindergarten girls are talking and one of them says, "I saw a condom on the patio this morning" and the other says, "What’s a patio?" 

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 What's the difference between acne and a pedophile? 

Acne doesn't come on your face until you're twelve.

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What's 18 inches long and makes women scream?

Crib death.

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Q: What do you get when you cross a brown chicken and a brown cow?
A: Brown-Chicken-Brown-Cow

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How do you titillate an ocelot?

You osculate its tits a lot.

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What do you get when you cross a donkey and peanut butter?
A piece of ass that sticks to the roof of your mouth.

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There.  Don’t you feel dirtier now?

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

No, I don’t believe you went to bed at 10:15

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for WeekendAtBernies, March 23, 2012.  We read somewhere recently that Andrew McCarthy had become a travel writer, which would seem to be an awful waste of some mighty foine Andrew McCarthy, but We just spent a moment Googling him on Wikipedia and discovered that he still acts (and is foine) as well.

Andrew McCarthy, of course, starred in Weekend at Bernie’s, lest you imagine that that entire digression came completely out of left field.

It just occurred to Us that We are so completely uniformed about sports (despite being a thoroughly well-versed amateur athletic supporter) that We have no idea whether left field is left from the point of view of the audience (i.e. house left) or from the point of view of the performers (i.e. stage left).  Nor do We quite understand why something “out of left field” would be more outré than something “out of right field”.

Despite Our Self-professed ignorance, however, We feel entirely smug and superior for having written a paragraph about baseball containing the word “outré”.

Meanwhile, it does occur to Us from time to time that Our Gentle Readers (particularly those of the “naked skimming” variety) may occasionally have difficulty discerning when Our tongue is in Our cheek.  Let Us emphatically state that, in the following section, Our tongue is most decidedly NOT in Our cheek (nor, alas, in anyone else’s):

Those of you who were fans of Michael Doherty, who played Justin Bieber  in Our Pisces video might want to check out this video for his latest project, a Fringe show coming in September entitled Jeff Coon and Ben Dibble Must Die.

Here is the link to the project’s KickStarter, where you can go to donate to the cause:  http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/theempire/jeff-coon-and-ben-dibble-must-die

And, as the glass-eyed hooker said in that horrible old joke, keep an eye out for the show, which is having a limited run at the beginning of this year’s Philly Fringe Festival, which begins September 7^th.

It certainly does feel good to plug someone else for a change.  (Ooops…did that not come out right?)

Oh, well…as They say, Gawd plugs those who plug themselves, (why do They say such things? And doesn’t Gawd get pissed?), so here is the link with which you can share Our Aries video with your friends, especially those fortunate enough to have been born Arieses:

 http://youtu.be/jy65nirv_BM

In random other news, Our Google-O-Meter™ informs Us that one Gentle Reader has tuned in from Tunisia tuday.  (Our cunning linguistics…lettuce show them to you.)

And now, Charlene Tilton earns a merit badge by rubbing Andrew McCarthy and Justin Bieber together to make fire.  Alternatively, the HorrorScope:

You need to snap into action (Oh, snap!)

and try something really wild and different today — your fierce energy demands it!  (Is it just Us, or does that sound exhausting?)

See if you can get your friends to follow along with you as you have a blast!  (Ya hear that, friends?  Follow Our bouncing balls!)

(Oh, wait…)

Getting involved in something cultural is a great idea today. (How clever of Us, then, to have had the forethought to be growing penicillin in Our refrigerator.)

(We were about to go off on a stream-of-consciousness digression from refrigerator to icebox to Cleopatra’s pussy.   Fortunately for you, We  were distracted by some WorldWideInterWebNetzian porn.)

You have always had a strong curiosity (Is that what that smell is?)

for things that are a little off the beaten track and different from your everyday experiences, but right now this curiosity is especially vibrant. (Is it just Us, or is “Vibrant Curiosity” a really classy name for an exotic dancer?  (Is it just Us, or is “Exotic Dancer” a really classy name for a stripper who can read?))

(Our str8 boi readers are now off on a stream-of-consciousness of their own, from “Cleopatra’s pussy” to “exotic dancer”.  Look out for that ping pong ball!  (You’re welcome.))

Explore the territory just past where you usually go. (We can see Russia from here.)

Drive a little out of your way to check out that new sushi joint or Thai restaurant.  (Honey, We live in the city.  If We have to DRIVE to get to a restaurant, it’s too damn far away.)

Feed yourself figuratively and literally on the expressions and ideas of other cultures.  (BRAAAAAIIIINNNSSSS!!!!)

(We have no idea where that came from.)

Something fun is brewing on the home front.  (We’re pretty sure We already mentioned the penicillin in the fridge.)

Whether your housemates are planning a soiree (Today’s the day the dustbunnies have their picnic.)

or you’re involved in the block party committee, (Oh dear lord!)

expect a new level of excitement. (So you’re saying it will be a higher level than “NONE”?)

Plus, the hotties will be out in full force — don’t be surprised if you run into that neighbor of interest.  (Have you SEEN Our neighbors?)

 Now’s the time to chat it up. (The “plugging” from earlier sounded like much more fun.  (Plug it in, plug it in.))

(Heh.)

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

Isn’t it rich? Claudette Colbert?

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for We’veAlreadyHadSecondsSoWhyNotThirdsDay, March 22, 2012.  Happy birthday to Stephen Sondheim, who turns twenty-four today.  Most people are unaware that Mister Sondheim is an avid Erix Daily Horoscope fan.  He is, in fact, planning a new musical based on these very e-pisstles.  It was originally going to be called The Unthinkable Starzina Starfish-Browne, but there were apparently copyright issues.  (It occurs to Us to wonder if, when there are copyright issues, One should call it copywrong.  (This is why Stephen Sondheim is a fan.))

Apropos of nothing, A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To Uranus.  (Please, don’t fart…there’s very little air and this is art.)

The WorldWideInterWebNetz just informed Us that Philadelphia is the number one city in the US for people losing their cellphones.  Also, that the number one place for said cellphones to be lost, presumably in Philadelphia, is in coffee shops.  There are two brain cells We’ll never get back.

Meanwhile, as you may or may not be aware (as you clearly don’t watch Our videos), We are an Aries.  So, as an early birthday present to Us, how ‘bout you use this link to share Our latest video endeavor with your friends?  http://youtu.be/jy65nirv_BM

Does anybody else feel an empty space where Justin Bieber used to be?  Not, mind you, a very LARGE empty space…sort of penis-shaped, only smaller.

Where else are you going to hear words like “penis-shaped” bandied about?  We are going to sit right here and wait until Mister Sondheim comes up with something that rhymes with it.

Meanwhile, prior to reading this e-pisstle, how many of you were even aware that there were such things as Sondheim jokes?  We are so high-brow, artsy-fartsy, and cultured, it almost hurts.  That is why you love Us.  Well, that and the fart jokes.

Micro$oft Weird™ is suggesting that We change “fart jokes” to “fat jokes”.  Which would seem, in and of itself, to be a fat joke.

But back to The Bieber.  Those of you who were fans of his work in Our Pisces video might want to check out this video for his latest project, a Fringe show coming in September entitled Jeff Coon and Ben Dibble Must Die. (You may have difficulty recognizing him, as he is wearing his Clark Kent SuperGlasses of Invisibility, but trust Us, it is indeed he.  (If you watch closely, you will see him change his clothes in a phone booth at around the three-minute mark.))

Here is the link to the project’s KickStarter, where you can go to donate to the cause:  http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/theempire/jeff-coon-and-ben-dibble-must-die

Apres Biebs, le HorrorScope:

(So, wait…apparently, it is also Reese Witherspoon’s birthday?  Who knew?  And why in the hell does someone stupid enough to divorce Ryan Phillippe deserve a birthday?)

You’re facing a bad problem today  (Isn’t “bad problem” sort of redundant?  If it’s a problem, it’s not good.  Just sayin’.)

— one that could drive you nuts if you’re not careful. (Never mind Our nuts.)

(Sometimes you feel like Our nuts, sometimes you don’t.)

(Like your scrotum, here it is in a nutshell.)

See if you can get help from a dear friend or stalwart colleague, (Is it just Us, or does “Stalwart Colleague” sound like a character name from some ‘40s film noir?  “And now, gentlemen, I’d like to introduce the new Chairman of the Board, Stalwart Colleague.”)

(Vacation time shares in Our mind are available beginning in April through the summer months.  Book yours today.)

and you can almost certainly beat it soon.  (That’s what Michael Jackson said.)

 As selfish as it might sound, you need to put yourself first, today.  (You heard the lady.  Back up, bitches.)

You have been putting the needs of other people ahead of your own priorities for far too long, and it’s high time for you to get yourself back at the top of your list. (Fine.  Where’s OUR KickStarter?)

You have accumulated far more karma points than you could ever use, so why keep racking them up?  (Because if We get fifty more, We get a  chameleon?)

(Erix Daily Horoscope goes green…jokes recycled here.)

Take a break today.

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

Do something nice for yourself, (If We could do “something nice” for Ourself, We’d never leave the house.)

because you are your favorite person.  (Not really.  What’d We ever do for Us?)

Paving the way for somebody else’s romantic progress, like making a great introduction, giving some excellent advice and so forth, earns you some Cupid credit now that’ll come back before you know it. (All this and she wants Us to do Cupid stunts, too?  Jeebus.)

(Cupid stunts, Cupid stunts, Cupid stunts.  Heh.  We kill Us.)

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

What snoo, Buenos Aires?

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for WenchDay, March 21, 2012.  Happy first day of Spring!  (We are well aware that everyone seemed to think YESTERDAY was the first day of Spring, but the first day of Aries equals the first day of Spring,  always has, always will.

And today is indeed the first day of Aries, as you can tell from the arrival of a brand spanking (ooooh! Why didn’t We think of that LAST month?) Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope.  No more teen heartthrob with things throbbing other than his heart.  Sigh.  We shall miss the smell of Axe™ body spray around these parts.

You can click to watch the video above.  And here is the link with which you will spend the rest of the month not sharing it with your friends:  http://youtu.be/jy65nirv_BM

In other news, We have been meaning to tell you for quite some time that Our nail varnish in these videos is called “Rock the Night Away”.  In case you happen to be writing Our unauthorized biography.

Also, did We miss something?  When exactly was there a great  hue and cry in which the American public clamored for an all-Black remake of Steel Magnolias?

In still other news, We had a dream last night in which We ate at two different Philadelphia restaurants to which We have never been:  Osteria and Vetri.  We have an idea that TCBITWWW may have been on his way to dine at Osteria when he was here at Christmastime, but that is the sum total of what We know about either place.  Although dining at restaurants two at a time could certainly explain the size of Our ass these days…

We want to get this out to you quick, fast, and in a hurry, so here comes the HorrorScope.  (Does anybody else miss Us busting on Justin Bieber?):

(Just in case you needed to feel a little older today than you already do, Matthew Broderick turns fifty today.  You’re welcome.)

You need to expend a little extra energy to get others to feel better — even if it costs you!  (And just how exactly will making other people feel better improve OUR life?)

It’s just one of those days (No doubt.)

when you can’t focus on your own needs, (Sorry…what?)

but the karma is sure to be worth it.  (And the chameleon will be out of this world!  (Especially at Osteria…try it with the Béarnaise sauce.))

(The humor in this horoscope is operating on so many levels, even We don’t get it.)

If others are misinterpreting what you say, (Fucking morons.)

you must accept part of the blame. (Why?  We didn’t make ‘em stupid.)

Giving an unclear explanation of what you are feeling (We’ve got a crick in Our chakras.)

— and then getting annoyed when they don’t understand you is not productive. (So how ‘bout We kill ‘em all and let God sort ‘em out?)

Get more specific in your communication (Johnny Depp: let’s fuck like bunnies.)

and a marvelous thing will happen:  (Johnny Depp in a bunny costume?)

people will know what you want, and work harder than you ever hoped to give it to you.  (Here comes Peter Cottontail…)

(Again with the levels.  And layers.  Like a parking garage.  Or a birthday cake.)

This is especially true in romantic relationships, (What?)

but applies everywhere else too.  (Way to be specific.  Bee-yotch.)

Feel free to dream the day away.  (Alternatively, Rock the Night Away. (Or twist your knickers away.))

The stars say doing as little as possible may provide exactly the recharging your battery needs.  (Ya gotta love the stars!   Now how are We gonna tune up Our assault?)

And meanwhile, your thoughts and musings are indicating interesting things.  (Doesn’t THAT just narrow it down?  (Meanhwile, is anyone else picturing Johnny Depp’s Easter basket?  Just Us?  Alrighty, then….))

   

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

Just dynamic tension

    

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Tootie, March 20, 2012.  We are very confused today in OurHouseWhereWeLive.  Our cable went out yesterday, and We are awaiting a repairman, hoping he is more like the British-accented hottie who initially installed Our cable than the butt-cracked low-rent Ernest Borgnine they most recently sent to attend to Our ailing WorldWideInterWebNetz.  There’s not much of a story here, except that We fear that Our cable going out is just a symptom of the general confusion that seems to be swirling around Us, particularly as regards The Media…

To start with, Omar Sharif Junior is gay?!?  Who even knew there WAS an Omar Sharif Junior?  When’s the last time anyone so much as gave Omar Sharif a passing thought?  Does anyone even know if he’s dead or alive?  (He’s alive.  We Googled him on Wikipedia for you.  You’re welcome.)  The last time We even heard the words “Omar Sharif”, the WaitStaff was cutting him from an old sketch for being irrelevant.  (Of course, We replaced him with “Jean Luc Picard”. And We wonder why We’re not famous.)

Meanwhile, gawd forbid We wanted Our Ru Paul’s Drag Race unspoiled…the entire WorldWideInterWebNetz were screaming that the lovely and talented Willam Belli got bounced for some unspecified infraction.  Which, on the plus side, means We can stop watching that show till the reunion episode.  Here is Willam’s latest artistic endeavor (not safe for work (like you had to ask)):

In still other news, people seem to be confused over what day it is.  We were forced to consult Our trusty ephemeris…Aries starts TOMORROW, people.  Which means you get one more day to look down Justin Bieber’s Underoos™.  (Also, as We said yesterday, if you freeze frame it just right, you can see the reflection of Bieber Junior in Our left eyeball. (Y’all get that Bieber Junior and Omar Sharif Junior are two different concepts, right?)):

http://youtu.be/qqEjYYBFxG4  

Also also, if you say “gullible” really slowly, it sounds like “orange”.

We have to hurry along We wouldn’t want Ernest Borgnine to catch Us still in Our negligee.  That would be negligent.  (Words are funny.) What would  Charlene Tilton do?  Alternatively, the HorrorScope:

You’re quite ambitious — and everyone knows it. (This is the third time in a week…amBITCHious, am BITCHions.  Dammit, get it right.)

Today, you need to act on those ambitions, (Grrr….)

as your energy is perfectly in line with your goals. (But where the hell are Our goalies?)

(Two sports jokes in as many days….We may be becoming a lesbian.)

You should find it easier to get ahead.  (How ‘bout head?  How easy is THAT to get?  Huh?)

You can make your most ambitious (GRRRRRR….)

visions come true as long as you are realistic about how long it will take. (We are an old woman….We ain’t got all day.  Plus, in about an hour, We’re gonna be lookin’ at Ernest Borgnine’s buttcrack.)

Trying something new requires a commitment, (Will there be a ceremony?)

so don’t embark upon a new endeavor unless you are ready to give it your all for the long haul.  (Shelley Long…Monte Hall…nope, We got nothin’.)

Losing interest after a few days is not acceptable  (Sorry…what?)

(heh.  See what We did there?)

— it could cause you to abandon something that has great promise. (Which would be foolish, as most things in Our life have great antimise.(Why is that not a word?))

It’s time to buckle down and really stick to what you want. (And if it weren’t for that pesky restraining order, We would indeed be Super-Glued™ to Johnny Depp.)

Be willing to let go of your unwillingness.  (All of Our Zen Buddhist readers’ heads just exploded. (Existentially, of course.))

Sure, it sounds counterintuitive, but your stubbornness is doing nothing for your love life. (A whole lotta things are doing nothing for Our love life.  Pretty much everything, in fact.  Everything is doing nothing for Our lovelife.  Again with the existentialism. Sigh.)

Loosen up. (Bite Us.)

Experiment with different types of people in new situations. (Come up to the lab…and see what’s on the slab…)

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.