And the colored girls sing…

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherMadCowMonday, October 28^rd, 2013.  Happy Birthday to Deb, who turns twenty-four today.  In WeHo.  Well, possibly just in El Lay, but We prefer to imagine that everyone We know who lives in El Lay lives in WeHo.  We’re funny like that.  Not, of course, so much “funny: ha ha” as “funny, that freezer was never full until the neighbors started disappearing”.

Happy Birthday also to Soi, who also turns twenty-four today.  In Hollywood.  Not WeHo, though…Hollywood, FLORIDA.  Which is just confusing.  So We guess that would be SoHo.  Except there’s already Soho in New York, and Soho in London…

Fuck math, GEOGRAPHY is hard.

Happy Belated Birthday, meanwhile, to Celeste and Cheez-Its, each of whom turned twenty-four this past weekend, somewhere geographical.

So many birthdays, so little cake.  Sigh.

This is, of course, the time of year when the entire universe is busy turning against Us.  (It being, naturally, All. About. Us. (Screw that Eve chick.))  The days are rapidly getting shorter, and the weather is getting more disgustingly cold by the second.  So this is really not the time to have an impromptu water main break on War-Torn Warnock Street, and turn off Our water for the night.

Also, when We call up WaterWorld, or whatever governmental department is in charge of such things, We really do not need to be kept on hold for-fucking-EVER.  Especially if you’ve had time to make a recording to tell Us that, “due to an exceptionally high call volume tonight, it may take some time to answer your call”, when you COULD have made a recording that said, “water service to War-Torn Warnock Street is expected to return at blankety-fuck o’clock; in the meantime, drink vodka”.

Also also, when Sucretia and Epiphany’s second cousin thrice removed, Mitochondria, finally answers the phone, We do not need her to give Us attitude and say, “there is no one here who can tell you when service will be returned; you need to go outside and talk to the crew”, because, of all the stupid things We have done, are doing, and are still going to do in Our life, “going outside to talk to the crew” is not one of them. KThxBye.

In still other news, even after Picturing Allen And Kevin Naked Week, and Picturing Peter’s Peter Week, and What’s In OurThreeSons’ Jeggings? Week With A Side Of Sext From Lex, We are still waiting vainly by Our rotary phone for so much as one sext.  We’d accept even a dyslexic sext, at this point…a dyslexic sext being, naturally, one in which you clock out with your rocks out.

Or wang out in your hangout.

Everybody Wang Chung tonight.

It’s like We’re losing Our mind…

Changing gears,  The Little Show That Could, LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour , will be returning for one night only on Sunday, November 10 at 7:30 at L’Etage.  Get your tickets here:  http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/499391  . Dammit.

And here is the HorrorScope:

Google would like Us to know that it is Edith Head’s 116^th birthday.  We are guessing that’s more cake We’re not going to have.  Perhaps We’ll just go have some Very Special Brownies with Joaquin Phoenix.

Meanwhile, it is getting later by the second here at Casa de Curmudgeon, and We were looking for a  way to expedite Our usual call-and-response with AssHatt Kelli’s horoscope, when We discovered that today’s hrosocpe digest said this:

“If you’ve got kids, today is all about them — even more so than usual. The good news is that your energy is in sync with little ones. If you don’t have any, find a friend who does and offer to babysit.”

Seriously?  Have you MET Us?  Peace out, Bee-yotch. 

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

I am Katy Perry, hear me roar

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for FriedEgg, October 25^rd , 2013.  Happy Birthday to TJ, who may or may not turn twenty-four today.  In New York.  New York, New York.  The city so nice, they made fried rice.  (We have no idea what that means.)  Happy Birthday also to Blaine, who DOES turn twenty-four today, right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.  With or without fried rice, but with six, you get egg roll.  (We have no idea what that means either.)

Damn, now We’re hungry for Chinese food.

And We’ll probably be hungry again in half an hour.

That’s not racist; it’s just that We’re pretty sure We’re not getting any food, Chinese or otherwise, in the next half hour.

(Is it just Us, or does “Chinese or otherwise” sound like the beginnings of some manner of ethnic slur?)

Changing ethnicities for the moment,  The Little Show That Could, LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour , will be returning for one night only on Sunday, November 10 at 7:30 at L’Etage.  Get your tickets here:  http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/499391  . Dammit.

Meanwhile, for Our newly-turned-twenty-four-year-olds above, and the rest of you twenty-four-year-old gentlemen out there, here are Seven Things Every Man Must Do Before He Turns Thirty-Five (sexism NOT Ours, ladies): 

http://parabasis.typepad.com/blog/2013/10/seven-things-every-man-must-do-before-he-turns-35.html

Speaking of Chinamen, it’s been a while since We gave a shout-out/hello to Lex in China.  Lex in China is a self-professed naked skimmer of these e-pisstles, not to be confused with the opera, Nixon in China.  Unlike many of Our other naked skimmers, We have seen this particular one naked.  We can tell you that, because he will no doubt nakedly skim right past it.  Also, he’s in China, so he’ll just be naked again in half an hour.  Of course, if your name is Lex, and you’re naked in China, there’s a whole Gulliver-amongst-the-Lilliputians thing going on, but We’ll bypass that for now.

(What are the odds of Our getting a sext from Lex?)

Speaking of birthday suits and nakediddity, We are currently having a total crap day, because (A.) it’s fucking freezing and (2.) people seem to be doing their level best to make every damn thing more difficult, so We’re just going to re-run yesterday’s “birthday suits and nakediddity” story.

(We mistyped “fucking” as “fuckign” in the preceding.  As suggested replacements, Micro$oft Weird™ offered “bucking”, “ducking”, “tucking”, “lucking”, and “mucking”.  First of all, thanks a lot, Micro$oft Weird™.  Seconal, is “lucking” even a word? And Thurber, where the motherfucking fuckety-fuck was “sucking”?)

{Insert WayBackMachine sound effects here}

Speaking of birthday suits and nakediddity, Gentle Readers (who are not naked skimmers (and who have not had a stroke since yesterday)) will recall, um, yesterday, when, in the wake of the end of “Picturing Allen And Kevin Naked Week” and “Picturing Peter’s Peter Week”, We forged boldly forward where no ass(tromalogical) ho(roscopulist) has gone before by declaring it A New Week.  You can relive the excitement in all its glory here: http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2013/10/jimmy-craps-corn-and-i-dont-care.html  or just enjoy the Reader’s Digest highlights that follow:

But back to the matter at hand, Ducks (which is different than the hatter Armand (which is, yet again, different from the Mad Hatter Armand Hammer (remember when Armand Hammer made baking soda?  Now his great-grandson Armie Hammer…well, Looks Like That.  Hi-yo, Silver, et cetera.)))…none of these parentheses is getting Us any closer to the matter at hand, is they, Ducks?  Let’s start over…

Armie Hammer naked…

Let’s start over again…

Having already dragged Allen, Kevin, and Peter into this again by neck and crop (and have We mentioned recently that We’ve actually SEEN the “crops” on two out of three of ‘em in Real Life?  Sigh…), We must mention that We had absolutely no responses to yesterday’s request for Whom Should We Picture Naked THIS Week? Consequently, We have taken matters into Our Own hands (along with Mad Hatter Armand Hammer’s great-Grandson Armie Hammer), and decided, for reasons entirely Our Own to declare it “What’s In Those Jeggings™? Week”, starring OurThreeSons from the murder mystery.

 {Discontinue WayBackMachine sound effects here}

And here is the HorrorScope:

In celebrity birthdays today, We have Katy Perry and Helen Reddy. In honor of the occasion, We went and listened to Ms. Perry’s latest, “Roar”,  for the first time.  Is it just Us, or is this the exact same song as “Firework”?

Whatever you may think of Ms. Reddy’s oeuvre, “Delta Dawn” and “I Am Woman”  are NOT the same song.  Just sayin’.

Family needs are dominant today, so focus what you’ve got on kids, your partner or the old folks back home.  (Oh, and be sure call them “the old folks back home “.  To their faces.  They love that.  Trust Us.)

Whatever you do, expect to get rewarded sevenfold in the medium-term future.  (“Sevenfold”?  “Medium-term”?  What the hell language are you speaking now, AssHatt?)

Recent family problems are finally getting solved today, and the good news is that very soon they will all be gone.  (Oh, yeah.  There’ll be no more family problems at all, once you’ve called ‘em “the old folks back home” a couple of times.)

And when they are, remember to leave them behind — bygones should be left as bygones. (Does anybody else want “bygones” to rhyme with “cojones”?  Just Us?  Alrighty, then.)

Do not try to get back into a touchy conversation with someone right when they are finally calm again.  (Indeed not.  Because those “the old folks back home” might just fly right off the handle.)

(We got interrupted, and totally forgot that We were supposed to be telling Chinaman jokes.  Sigh.)

(Does this mean that Lex won’t sext Us now?)

You want a new gadget — and you want it now!  (Also, a new Gidget.  But only if We can play in Moondoggie’s Speedo™.)

One of the great things about being single is that you don’t have to ask permission.  (So there’s more than one great thing?)

Indulge in some retail therapy and really enjoy your purchase. (Wow.  Did that come out of reft field or what?)

You deserve it!  (Oh, don’t even get Us started…)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Drinking rum and Coca Cola™

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for ThurstonHowellTheThird’sThirstyThirdThrowBackThursday, October 24^st, 2013.

Our ever-so-lucky Gentle Readers are about to be the first folks in the known universe to hear that The Little Show That Could, LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour , will be returning for one night only on Sunday, November 10 at 7:30 at L’Etage.  Get your tickets here:  http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/499391  . Dammit.

Happy Birthday to John, who turns twenty-four today We know not where. John has apparently done away with his SitOnMyFaceBook presence, because he’s a rebel like that.  We have seen John naked once upon a time (more on that in a few moments) and, if We can manage to track him down, We shall attempt to buy him a birthday drink in his birthday suit.

Speaking of birthday suits and nakediddity, Gentle Readers (who are not naked skimmers (and who have not had a stroke since yesterday)) will recall, um, yesterday, when, in the wake of the end of “Picturing Allen And Kevin Naked Week” and “Picturing Peter’s Peter Week”, We forged boldly forward where no ass(tromalogical) ho(roscopulist) has gone before by declaring it A New Week.  You can relive the excitement in all its glory here: 

http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2013/10/jimmy-craps-corn-and-i-dont-care.html  or just enjoy the Reader’s Digest highlights that follow:

But back to the matter at hand, Ducks (which is different than the hatter Armand (which is, yet again, different from the Mad Hatter Armand Hammer (remember when Armand Hammer made baking soda?  Now his great-grandson Armie Hammer…well, Looks Like That.  Hi-yo, Silver, et cetera.)))…none of these parentheses is getting Us any closer to the matter at hand, is they, Ducks?  Let’s start over…

Armie Hammer naked…

Let’s start over again…

Having already dragged Allen, Kevin, and Peter into this again by neck and crop (and have We mentioned recently that We’ve actually SEEN the “crops” on two out of three of ‘em in Real Life?  Sigh…), We must mention that We had absolutely no responses to yesterday’s request for Whom Should We Picture Naked THIS Week? Consequently, We have taken matters into Our Own hands (along with Mad Hatter Armand Hammer’s great-Grandson Armie Hammer), and decided, for reasons entirely Our Own to declare it “What’s In Those Jeggings™? Week”, starring OurThreeSons from the murder mystery.

 And now We’re back in the present tense (that’s “present tense” as all one phrase, not an attempt to say that We’re in the present, AND We’re tense.  We are no more (nor less) tense than usual (despite the invocation of the image of not one but three lovely pairs of Jeggings™)).

In other news, this just in from Twatter: “Sometimes I feel useless but then I remember I breathe out carbon dioxide for plants”.

Speaking of murder mysteries (in which, presumably, the participants do NOT wear Jeggings™ (Heh…”particiPANTS”…get it?  (Oh, shut up.))), We will be attending this: https://www.facebook.com/events/218428531649303/ this evening.  You, unfortunately, cannot come with Us, as it is sold out.  Because that is just how hip and cool We are; We go to things that SELL OUT.  However, when last We heard, there were tickets remaining for the Friday and Saturday performances, and, as it is doing so well, We imagine they will be bringing it back, so keep an eyeball peeled.

(Eeeeuuuwww.)

And here is the HorrorScope:

Okay, it is a deeply disturbing day when We go to Our celebrity birthday website, and, out  of the top ten celebrities born today, We only recognize the name of Number Ten, Y.A. Tittle, and all We know about him (other than his gender) is that he played some sport or other.

(Okay, in the interests of mind-broadening and general edification, We have Googled Y. A. Tittle on Wikipedia.  Not because We care about what sport he played (one set of balls is so like another (Hi, Josh…please feel free to prove Us wrong on that score)), but because We wanted to find out what the “Y.A.” stood for.  Are you ready for this?  “Yelberton Abraham”. )

(Seriously, Mister and Missus Tittle?  “We shall call the baby ‘Yelberton’.”?  Like it’s not bad enough your last name is “Tittle”?  Jeebus.)




You’ve got deeply held emotional business bubbling up to the surface today. (Indeed so.  We are traumatized by imagining Missus Tittle (whose name, We have decided, was “Letitia”, and whose nickname, We have further decided, was “Titzy”) hollering out the backdoor to call young Yelberton in for supper.)

Things may get a little weird later in the day, (Not, of course, as weird as they got at the Tittle household.  Missus Tittle’s maiden name having been, in an odd twist of fate, “Little”.)

but you still need to keep focused on what’s most important to you.  (Jeggings™.)

 Your family obligations are weighing on your mind right now.  (Indeed.   For example, We are grateful to The Sainted Mother for not naming Us Yelberton.  Although We can understand Mister Tittle’s motivation in naming his son thus, his own personal name having been Fritz.  (Which is also understandable, given that his poor mother’s name was Mitzi.))

(We are thinking that, after We finish this e-pisstle, We may have to do some updating on Y.A. Tittle’s Wikipedia page…)

It’s time for a conversation where compromises can be made and harmony can be achieved.  (Ah, harmony.  Makes One think of the Andrews Sisters.  Who, truth be told, were always grateful not to be the Tittle Sisters.  (Wouldn’t YOU be?  Seriously…”Patty Tittle”?))

Honest talk is easy when you know that this other person cares about you unconditionally. (What does using conditioner have to do with anything?)

Misunderstandings were what pushed you apart, so get clarity to get things back on track.  (Lady Clairol™…mix a double batch, and get a snatch to match.)

 Your gut can lead you in the right direction, (Was that a fat joke?)

but you have to be willing to listen. (Borborygmy…it’s not just for breakfast anymore.)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.