There was something in the air that night, the stars were bright, Fernando

Greetings, Escherichia Renamed Initially Coli---

Here is your horoscope for Friday, July 30, 2010 (Happy birthday in advance to Randy, who turns twenty-four this weekend.  He is, no doubt, not actually READING this (is anyone?), but what the h3ll?  You only turn twenty-four once.  A year.):

(You will be pleased to see that We are no longer shilling for Our show, as it is over.  It was very well-received, and moderately successful, despite your nonattendance.  We were also very pleased to be informed by the Chancellor of the Exchequer that We are owed funds from the preceding show, as well as from this one.)

(Here is a little music video to brighten your day.  (We have also given up on showing you Our video.  Eventually, We will just crawl under Our bed and die.)  It is safe for work, unless you work for an oil company.  Or the Republiklans.)

(In other news, We had One Of Those Dreams last night.  We were preparing for a dinner party, which We had for some reason called to commence at 5:00PM.  It was now five minutes till 5:00PM, and not a single thing was cooked. The house, which was not Our Own Personal HouseWhereWeLive but some drafty monstrosity with mismatched thrift store furniture, was not clean, and, at the last minute (it was five minutes till 5:00PM for a really long time in this dream), We discovered that We had to shovel two feet of snow out of Our driveway so Our guests could park for the dinner We hadn’t cooked them.  Despite all this cr@p, We managed to sleep in until ten.  Yay, Us.)

 (Our Our-O-Scope:)

You can safely act on your first impulse now in any and all circumstances. (Oh, thank CHR1ST!  Bend over.)

You've been bestowed with wisdom, well-deserved confidence and uncannily good timing. (None of which, oddly enough, seems to be paying Our mortgage.)

Needless to say, (And yet, how much ya wanna bet she’s gonna say it anyway?)

the fans will be quite impressed. (Mmm-hmm.  They’d have to SHOW UP first.)

Don't leave home without a stack of business cards.  (Indeed.  Because ya just never know when a game of Fifty-Two Pick Up is gonna break out.)

There's something in the air, and it smells awfully sweet. (We queefed.  Summer’s Eve™ Mango Papaya Tropical Trauma.  You’re welcome.)

Before you decide you've found the one, however, at least lock in a second date.  (We are one step ahead of you.  He’s been locked in the basement for months.  (Oh, wait…were We supposed to FEED him?))

You can feel it coming and your companions can, too (Now that’s just dirty.)

-- which might be the reason behind those raised eyebrows you've been seeing so much of lately. (Yes indeedy-doo…smear some of that on your eyebrows and it’ll raise ‘em right up and stick ‘em like that. Better than Botox™, it is.)

Batten down the hatches!  (That there is a nautical term of some sort.  We’re pretty sure it means “everybody pick their two favorite sailors and oil them up”, but We’re not a hundred percent positive.)

(Meanwhile, We’ve come all this way and not mentioned a celebrity to put in Our label field.  ZaSu Pitts.)

(Your Euro-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com

cowgrass…you’re soaking in it.  B1tch.)