Hello, Ducks!
Starzina
Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Toozdee (YOU
thought We were gonna say “GoodPieRupeeTuesday”, didn’t’cha, Blanche? (Orange you glad We didn’t say “banana”?)),
July 9rd, 2013.
Who
the hell is Blanche?
Happy
Birthday, meanwhile, to Scott, who turns twenty-four today somewhere in
Delawhere. And Happy Ramadan to The Rest
Of You, The Rest Of Us, Rama, Lama, and Ding-Dong. Ramadan turned up on Our Dilbert calendar
this morning; We had to Google it on Wikipedia to figger out what it was. Turns out, it involves a month of fasting. Apparently, Ramadan is the Ayds™
Reducing-Plan Candy for the new millennium.
We
could fast for a month, and We’d STILL eclipse the sun.
In
other news, We were spontaneous last night!
And We didn’t even plan to be!
And how often do We get to say THAT! We had
A Gentleman Caller for dinner. (Well,
not FOR dinner. That sounds as though We
MADE him dinner...(Or, alternatively, ATE him.
And that is NOT what We meant.
This is a family-friendly motherfucking horoscope, you assmunching
twatnozzles.)) We were TAKEN to dinner
by A Gentleman Caller, is what We meant to say. ‘Cause We got elegance, and if
you ain’t got elegance, you can never, ever marry a Goth.
What
the hell does that even MEAN?
Is
it just Us, or does “assmunching twatnozzles” sound like a group of evil
henchmen from some superhero movie? “PlatitudeMan
has escaped from Our mind-eraser machine?
Release the assmunching twatnozzles!”
Vacation
time-shares in what passes for Our mind are still available for the months of
August and September.
You
will be happy to note that We continue to procrastinate writing Our Fringe
show. Although it DOES have a title: Looking
for Uranus: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour. How, you may well ask, can We come
back, when We’ve never been gone? You’ll
have to see the show, to see if We’ve figgered that out.
In
other other news, as you can see, Our latest video, Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: CANCER
2013 is above.
If you’ve been paying attention (oh, relax;
We know you haven’t), you will note that this is the fourth installment in a
(so far) four e-pissode story arc.
Because We’re a writer like that, and stuff.
We would like you to take this link to said
video http://youtu.be/e-EpBAfem_M and
email it to your friends. Or put it on
their SitOnMyFacebook pages. Or, if they
are having a Cancer birthday, wish them a happy birthday with it. Seriously, people…is this so difficult?
And here is the HorrorScope:
The celebrity birthdays are so boring today that We’re
forced to celebrate the birthday of Elias Howe, inventor of the sewing machine,
and reason We are not generally naked in public. Whatevs.
It was either that, or Ed Ames.
R-A-G-G-M-O-P-P rag mop doesn’t have two Gs and two Ps, you illiterate
fucktard.
This is a good time to focus on simple basics like
cleaning house. (Alternatively, We might
choose to focus on simple basics like telling Kelli to go fuck herself.)
(Go fuck yourself, Kelli.)
(Yes, We feel much better now.)
This kind of thing is more important than you may
realize, but it’s too easy to forget about it as other business piles up around
you. (Today’s the day the dustbunnies
have their piiiiiiiiiicnic.)
(Hmmm. Micro$oft Weird™ doesn’t think “dustbunnies”
is a word, and here We were, just about to propose the superlative adjective “dustbunniest”
for wordhood.)
(How can “wordhood” not be a word? Who would then know what is a word and what
is not? It’ll be anarchy, We tells ya,
anarchy!)
(How does a paragraph start of Shakepearean and descend
into Popeye?)
You should definitely keep looking at things from
different angles. (Especially if, by “things”, you mean “Johnny Depp”.)
It’s the right strategy for now and for your immediate
future. (Beefcake…it’s what’s for
dinner.)
(Beefcake…the other white meat.)
Your gift for being flexible in your interpretations (To
say nothing of Our interpretive dances.
(SSSHHHH….say NOTHING.))
(Bring Us the head of John the Baptist.)
(That there was probably a biblical moment when John the
Baptist wished he were (subjunctively) an Episcopalian…”Bring me the head of
John the Episcopalian!”…”Which one?”)
(We really should just bite the bullet and found Our Own
religion.)
has given you a
reputation for being fair and considerate of others. (BWAH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAH!!!!)
But you might need to stop looking at all the angles just
for a moment today in order to act more quickly. (We are acting as fast as We
can. Jeebus.)
Taking time to understand the whole picture is always a
better strategy, but it is not always the most practical one — at least
today. (So wait…who sent Us a hole
picture? Because the guy from the dream
last week that was supposed to send Us nekkid pictures never caught on.)
Getting your house in order should really help with sorting out
your love life as well. (Why? Is there a MAN under all these dustbunnies?)
While you’re moving furniture or folding laundry, (In your goddamn dreams.)
think things through (Thomebody hath a lithp.)
all the way. (NOW
you’re talking!)
In
gaseousness,
Starzina Starfish-Browne
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but
better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For
real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good
friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own
epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by
comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
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