Hello, Ducks!
Starzina
Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherMagicMikeMonday, August 5st
, 2013. Because any day that starts off
with male strippers can’t possibly be all bad.
You’re welcome.
First
and Formosa, welcome back to Connie, who has been on an Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! hiatus.
It is unclear to Us how, having once received these e-pisstles, one
could subsequently voluntarily forego them, but whatevs. She is back, from outer space, she just
walked in to find Us here with that sad look upon Our face, she could have
changed the stupid lock, she could have made Us leave Our key, if she had known
for just one second We’d be back to bother she…
Sorry. We forgot Ourself. Once again behaving in a manner We had sworn
to eschew (gesundheit (thank you)).
Seconal,
what has Connie missed, We hear you all asking.
Well, as We don’t exactly recall the length of her hiatus (and as that’s
not a question One can just blurt out in polite company…”How long is your
hiatus?” Miss Manners would rap One’s
knuckles with her shrimp fork.), We cannot say that We rightly know. Any number of Time of the Month Horoscope videos, no doubt, and, of course, Our most
important project of late, the Kickstarter fundraiser for Our upcoming Fringe
Festival show, LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina
Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour , which
can be found here:
When
you do go there, you will need to click on the big pixture of Us in order to
play the video, which should amuse you even if you are unable to contribute to
the project.
Another
way to help out (and thanks to the many of you who have already done this) is
to share the project with your SitOnMyFaceBook friends.
Also thanks to all
of Our early-bird investors (why exactly One would WANT a worm is somewhat
beyond Us, but whatevs), whose generosity has pushed Us over the 25%- funded
mark!
(Please do NOT let this fact deter you from helping
out…We only get the funds if We become 100% funded.)
Thirdly and lastly, but certainly not leastly, (and not Lee
Strasberg at all), Happy Birthday to Corey, who turns twenty-four today
somewhere in Greater Bostonia. Also,
Happy Birthday to Michael, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City
That Loves You (On Your) Back.
Fourthfully (which is either fourthly, or “forcefully”
with a lithp), We have lied about the “lastly” bit.
Fifthfully (which is obviously
fifthly, as there would be no earthly reason for “fitfully” to have a lithp in
it), Happy Belated Birthday to Andrew, and Gloria, and Randino, and OurAmericanCousin
Monica, each of whom turned twenty-four this past weekend.
And now, for realzies this time, last but not Lee Strasberg
(I case you didn’t get that joke the first time), congratulations to Kevin and
Tyson, who We just learned have gotten engaged.
And
here is the HorrorScope:
Happy
Slow Day In Celebrity Birthdays to Maureen McCormick of The Brady Bunch and Loni Anderson of WKRP In Cincinnati.
It’s
a great day to get started on something new (Oh, goody!
Perhaps We shall roll a fresh crisp new piece of typing paper into Our
trusty old Smith-Corona typewriter and type “Lights up” to begin Our Fringe
show script.)
(Extra
credit points to anyone who is actually picturing that right now.)
—
even if you’re not completely sure of yourself. (What if We’re not completely
sure whether or not We’re not completely sure of Ourself? Then what?
Huh?)
Try
harder to rope others into your arrangements and find new ways to
collaborate. (We are guessing that, if
We actually get some poor schnook tied up with rope, “collaborate” becomes a
euphemism.)
Your
opinions are valid, but you had better not expect everyone to agree with them
right now! (Especially the invalids.)
(Heh. See what We did there?)
So
give up (Why didn’t you just say that right in the beginning?)
trying
to change anyone’s minds before you even get started, today — everyone is
feeling like sticking to their guns instead of opening their minds. (Oh,
good. A bunch of closed-minded people
shooting each other. Welcome to ‘Murrica.)
(It
is clearly “last-minute bulletin/this-just-in” day here at Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!,
where it has just come to Our attention that it is National Underwear Day. We’re not quite sure what to do with that
information, as We are not currently wearing any underwear.)
(Extra
credit if you are now picturing Us banging away on Our trusty Smith-Corona
typewriter with no underwear on.)
(Sorry.)
(We’ll
pause here, while you mental floss.)
Instead,
you will make better use of your time if you channel your emotions into a
creative pursuit like cooking, singing, or even shopping! (Does any sane person actually qualify
shopping as a “creative pursuit”?)
Avoid
banging your head against a wall with a bunch of folks who just don’t get
it. (We are an unemployed
editor/proofreader, and AssHat Kelli just got paid to write a sentence that
implies that We should only bang Our head against the wall with folks who “get
it”. Welcome to ‘Murrica, Part Deux.)
Try
not to unload emotional energy on anyone new in your life. (Would that be like that “collaborate”
business from earlier?)
What
you’re feeling doesn’t really have much to do with them. (We don’t seem to
recall ever figgering out who this person is that We’ve got all tied up with
rope…)
Find
another outlet — chat up a friend or give your place a rigorous and symbolic
cleaning. (Symbolic cleaning is Our
favorite kind. Our symbols wind up the
cleanest when We dance to Tchaikovsky’s “Dance
of the Feather-Duster Fairies”.)
(If
you’re picturing THAT, Our humblest apologies.)
(And
We’re outtie…)
In
gaseousness,
Starzina Starfish-Browne
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but
better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For
real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good
friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own
epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by
comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
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