Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! For JustAnotherManicDepressiveMonday, March Tenf , 2014.
Happy HavingSprungForwardOurBiologicalTimePieceHasNoFuckingClueWhatTimeItIs.
Happy Birthday to Brian, who turns
twenty-four today, right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back. Happy Birthday also to Judith, who also turns
twenty-four today, somewhere in FairBrooklynThePrideOfTheThornInTheSideOfNewYork.
Happy Birthday also too to Todd, who also too turns twenty-four today, all the
way out in WeHo, El Lay.
Belatedly, Happy Belated Birthday to Austin,
and David, and Jamie, and Jay, and OurAmericanCousin Dawn, each of whom turned
twenty-four sometime since Our last e-pissode, somewhere right here in the You
Essive Eh.
The reason it has been so many days since Our
last e-pissode is that We have been busy, doing three different shows, as well
as two rehearsals (one for one of the three shows, and one for a completely
different show). Hi-Ho, the glamorous life, and who you callin’ “Ho”?
We should point out that We have only three
more performances of Our current murder mystery, before it is replaced by Our
new murder mystery. Those dates are
March 15, 28, and 29, so if you’re interested, lettuce know quick, fast, and
in-a-hurry. Also, the radio play will return
with all-new episodes (they’re not e-pissodes, because they’re on the radio) on
April 10. Moron that story as it
develops.
In still other news, We did something nice for
someone this weekend. (You’re shocked,
We know). Well, actually for two someones.
We can’t go into detail because, to the best of Our knowledge, one of
the someones (lettuce call her “Someone Number One”) doesn’t even know about it
yet. (It occurs to Us that perhaps We should refer to her as “Someone Number
Two”, since the other someone DOES know about it, which, it would seem, should
grant him “Someone Number One” status.)
Being nice is confusing.
Good thing We don’t do it very often.
Meanwhile, in ass(tromalogical) ho(roscopular)
news, We have entered the sign of Pisces, Our most recent video for which is
above. Here is the link with which you
may share it with your friends: http://youtu.be/KMNgwWwNux8 Because you do that, don’t you? DON’T
YOU?
And here, because We can resist no
opportunity to share it, is Our FIRST Pisces video, starring the now
non-teen-aged Justin Bieber. :
In horrifying news, We had better best get
the fuck out of Pisces FAST, because We just discovered that Justin Bieber has
now surpassed Johnny Depp as Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!’s most-cited
celebrity. Jeebus.
In celebrity birthday news, how is it that We
are just now learning that Chuck Norris and Osama bin Laden were both born on
the same day (today)? There is a joke in
there somewhere, but no one is paying Us to find it.
And
now, because We have Other Things To Do, here is a reading from Madame Olivia:
Greetings
Starzina ~
Hello
again. Madame Olivia is happy to receive you.
Madame
Olivia has a basic but invaluable productivity tip for you: before you take a
break, know exactly what you're going to do next when you come back. This might
involve leaving something a bit undone (leaving something in the well, as
Hemingway said) so you can pick up where you have left off. When you return, it
will be easy for you to recommence rather than having to reinvent the universe.
Know what Madame Olivia means?
Aries,
part of your life task is self-expression. You've got the management thing
pretty well in hand, but where is the real you? What you're going through may
be unsettling, but in the process you will lose a husk of repression. You're
going to make some wonderful discoveries. Believe it: blossoming will ensue.
Be
on the lookout for boat imagery of some sort-- a gondola? Raft? Canoe? Sailboat?
Our
time together today is drawing to a close. Madame Olivia bids you au revoir and
good luck until we meet again.
Namaste, MotherFuckers.
In gaseousness,
Starzina Starfish-Browne
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but
better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For
real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good
friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our
Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better
by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
No comments:
Post a Comment