Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for NotJustAnotherManicMonday, May 26rd ,
2014.
Happy Memorial Day to Our American
readers. And happy Spring Bank Holiday
to Our readers in the UK. We are not
entirely certain what Spring Bank Holiday entails, but We’re imagining that
there are hats. Picture hats. With cabbage roses. (If that should happen not to be true, please
don’t tell Us…We are imaging Our future ex-husband Prince Harry cavorting with
all five members (ahem) of One Direction.
All wearing picture hats with cabbage roses. And nothing else.)
Excuse Us for a moment…
Okay, We’re back.
Ordinarily, We would not e-pisstlize on a
holiday, but We are thinking that this will give Our Gentle Readers, most of
whom will not be at work and/or near computers today, something to read bright
and oily tomorrow morning. Of course,
since Our Gentle Readers so rarely communicate
with Us, We shall have to depend upon Our faithful Google-O-Meter™ to tell
Us if this has worked or not, but Que Sirhan Sirhan.
Happy Birthday, meanwhile, to Frank, who
turns twenty-four today. In, unless We
are mistaken (and We thought We were mistaken
once, but We were wrong), The Big Easy.
Happy Birthday also to Dave, who also turns twenty-four today right here
in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.
Additionally, Happy Birthday to Harley, who additionally turns
twenty-four today, somewhere in New York that is not New York, New York, The City
That Doesn’t Sleep (With Us). Utica, to
be precise.
(And here, all this time, We thought the utica
was a body part that couldn’t be discussed in polite company.)
Happy Belated Birthday, in other news, to Bill,
and Charlene, and Dave (a different Dave), and Jose, each of whom turned
twenty-four this past weekend.
And Happy Belated Birthday also to Peter, whom
you will recall as The LovelyAndTalented Daring Young Man On The Flying Trapeze
who gradumatated within these pages recently, and who gets his own paragraph
because (A.) he did NOT turn twenty-four this past weekend, and (2.) he is Our
newest FavoritePersonThatWeHaven’tMetYetFromTheWorldWideInterWebNetz.
Also because We have the power to give people
their own paragraphs if We so choose.
Johnny Depp’s proctologist.
On a cultural note (la), We wore Our blue
hair yesterday to a matinee of Incorruptible
at the Arden starring (speaking of LovelyAndTalented) Our very Own Mike Doh. And, while We would not ordinarily recommend
entertainments featuring attractive young gentlemen in ill-fitting tights, We
shall make an exception in this case and tell you to run, not walk, because it
is Just.That.Good. Ticket info
here: http://www.ardentheatre.org/2014/incorruptible.html
Also, Happy Vigesimo Sexto de Mayo to
everybody else.
(Heh.
She said “Sexto”.)
Speaking of birthdays, We are awaiting with
bated breath (because We are nothing if not a master breath-bater) the arrival
of Our birthday gift of tickets to see Hedwig and the Angry Inch starring
Neil Patrick Harris and Linda Hunt.
(We are just going to keep right on saying
that until that show closes, thereby demonstrating the utter futility of
Creative ViZZZualization. (Although
apparently We have viZZZualized well enough that one poor deluded Gentle Reader
actually imagines that We already HAVE said tickets.))
(How many of you are now picturing Linda Hunt as Yitzhak? (How many of you are now saying, “That stupid bitch Starzina can keep doing this gag all the way till August, ain’t NOBODY buying her no damn Hedwig tickets”?))
In other news, We find Ourselves (not that We
were looking for Us, but it’s a figger of speech) in the sign of Gemini, Our
video for which is above (and in which OurMizCatherine says We look like Heath
Ledger (although it is unclear whether she means before or after his untimely
death (and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends: http://youtu.be/Yj7enrUk6js ))).
Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone
in a tree, here is Our previous Gemini video, which is the first
Starzina’s
Time of the Month Horoscope video We ever made. Just look how far We’ve come! (Ooops…did that
get in your eye?):
And here’s the HorrorScope:
In celebrity birthday news, it is Jack
Kevorkian’s birthday, and that is all We are gonna say about THAT.
You can get your way without resorting to
anything sneaky or underhanded today (And where’s the fun in THAT?)
— just speak forcefully and tactfully (Um,
pick one?)
and you are sure to sway the right people. (If
they’re so swayable, perhaps they weren’t The Right People to begin with.)
Directness is the secret. (Wouldn’t secrecy seem to be the antithesis
of directness? Words have meanings,
Bee-Yotch.)
Your plans for the next several days won’t go
off exactly as you’d expected. (You assume (thereby making all of Our str8 boi
readers picture Uma Thurman’s ass) that We have plans.)
In fact, they probably won’t be anything you
can really count on. (Math is hard.)
Basically, it’s going to be like Murphy’s Law
— whatever can go wrong will go wrong. (If a Murphy from another part of this horoscope
would care to make a Law, We shall hastily comply. We’re just sayin’.)
Try not to get too frustrated with others — it’s
not their fault. (The hell you say…We need a scapegoat!)
Fortunately, if anyone is good at coming up
with Plan B or C or D at a moment’s notice, it’s you. (Although, generally, We’d start with A.)
Start making those plans now. (Well, We were planning to be spontaneous,
but now you’ve ruined it.)
Namaste, MotherFuckers.
In gaseousness,
Starzina Starfish-Browne
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think
of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say
(and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical)
ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our
Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better
by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
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