It's close to midnight and something evil's lurking in the dark

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Tuesday, February 08, 2011.  You are probably wondering where I was on MONDAY morning, when you desperately needed a Starzina fix after staying up late to watch Superior Bowling followed by Glee. I had a bidness meeting.  (Relax, I didn’t do anything crazy like get a jawb or make any money or anything.)

I my own self personally did not watch the football this weekend.  American footballers’ costumes are far too cumbersome to appreciate the athletic male form thereunder. (Micro$oft Weird™ will have it that “thereunder” is not a word.  It will, however, permit “hereunder”.  One wonders (heh) what it thinks of “thunderthighs”.)   While the footers were strutting and fretting their hour upon the Astroturf™, I was watching Scott Pilgrim versus the World.  Three thoughts: how is it that ONE hour of American football equals FIVE HOURS of telly? Also, how is it possible that, at the spry young age of twenty-four, I am entirely too old for that movie?  On the other hand, it is very refreshing to know that Michael Cera is a movie star. (Yes, I do realise that that last thought wasn’t a question, and, hence, was not parallel with the first two.  I also realise that go fu(k yourself.)

Also, it has come to my attention that the distribution list for these epistles may have some outdated email addresses on it.  I will be attempting to rectumfy that situation within the next few days.  So, if you are not receiving this because I am sending it to an outdated email address, please let me know.  However, if you are receiving this but not reading it because you are a nasty, dirty, naked skimmer, please send nasty, dirty, naked skimming pictures of yourself, so I can have them published in your grandmother’s church bulletin.  KThxBye.

The WaitStaff will be presenting an evening of Smokin’ Hot Comedy to beat the winter blues on Sunday, February 27, at 7PM at World Café Live!  Our very special guests will be Dave Terruso of Animosity Pierre and Jaylene Dulap of Jaylene and the Judge.  The doors will open at 6PM, so you can come and have dinner and/or cocktails before the show (you can also have dinner and/or cocktails during the show, as long as you promise not to hurl any of it at the stage).

Get your tickets here: http://tickets.worldcafelive.com/eventperformances.asp?evt=1616

Visit the Virtual WaitStaff on the WorldWideInterWebNetz here: http://www.thewaitstaff.com or on SitOnMyFaceBook: http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=198525196831422

Pictures on SitOnMyFaceBook are a double-edged sword…on the one side, there are pictures of one’s exes, in which one can see that they have gotten enormously obese and hooked up with ugly people.  On the other side, there are glamorous celebrities hanging out with other glamorous celebrities at glamorous parties to which one was not invited, possibly because one has gotten enormously obese and hooked up with ugly people.  Sigh.

You’ve got that burning need to explore once again (Fortunately, a ten-day course of antibiotics will clear that right up.)

— there’s no use trying to resist it. (So cease and desist the resisting, Sister.)

You should make at least one major discovery by the end of the day, (Kiss me quick, I’m Christopher Columbus.  (Of course, with my luck, if I were (subjunctively) to discover a continent, it would be populated by incontinent people.))

(I’m just going to let you all party with that thought for an additional moment.  You’re welcome.)

even if you spend all your time online.  (“Spend”?  What is this “spend” of which you speak?  I am so poor, I cannot even pay attention.)

You might not have psychic abilities per se, (I knew you were going to say that.)

(See what I did there?)

but today you will have such a strong sense of your future (Is it just me, or does my future smell like two-day old ass in three-day-old drawers?)

(I just made that saying up right this minute on the very spot.  And yet it sounds like a veritable piece of Americana, no?)

that you’ll experience a level of confidence you haven’t felt in quite a while. (Depends™’ll do that for you.  (Squish.))

Your dreams have been giving you clues for a while now, and even if you don’t remember all of your nighttime images, your subconscious has been busy putting the pieces together. (Well, then, my subconscious needs to get on the fu(king stick and sell the bloody movie rights.  ‘Cause ain’t nobody reading THIS shit.)

Deep down inside you know how things are going to pan out. (Is it just me (again), or is today’s Kelli-scope awfully intestinally-focused?)

So trust your gut today (See?)

— it knows what it’s talking about!  (“And Echo there, whatever is asked her, answers ‘Borborygmy and flatulence.’” (That’s a little Tennyson, for you Yanks whose knowledge of poetry ends at ‘There once was a man from Nantucket.”))

The mixed signals you’ve been getting are maddening — sometimes they seem really into you, but at other times they’re totally distant. (Wait, “they”?  As in, more than one person?  And yet, I can’t get people to answer my phone calls and emails?)

You’re tempted to just ask them what’s going on, but now is not a good time. (“Not a good time” has been the operative phrase for quite some time now.)

 Just hang on for a little longer. (When you get to the end of your rope, tie a noose in it and hang on.)

 

Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

It's close to midnight and something evil's lurking in the dark

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Tuesday, February 08, 2011.  You are probably wondering where I was on MONDAY morning, when you desperately needed a Starzina fix after staying up late to watch Superior Bowling followed by Glee. I had a bidness meeting.  (Relax, I didn’t do anything crazy like get a jawb or make any money or anything.)

I my own self personally did not watch the football this weekend.  American footballers’ costumes are far too cumbersome to appreciate the athletic male form thereunder. (Micro$oft Weird™ will have it that “thereunder” is not a word.  It will, however, permit “hereunder”.  One wonders (heh) what it thinks of “thunderthighs”.)   While the footers were strutting and fretting their hour upon the Astroturf™, I was watching Scott Pilgrim versus the World.  Three thoughts: how is it that ONE hour of American football equals FIVE HOURS of telly? Also, how is it possible that, at the spry young age of twenty-four, I am entirely too old for that movie?  On the other hand, it is very refreshing to know that Michael Cera is a movie star. (Yes, I do realise that that last thought wasn’t a question, and, hence, was not parallel with the first two.  I also realise that go fu(k yourself.)

Also, it has come to my attention that the distribution list for these epistles may have some outdated email addresses on it.  I will be attempting to rectumfy that situation within the next few days.  So, if you are not receiving this because I am sending it to an outdated email address, please let me know.  However, if you are receiving this but not reading it because you are a nasty, dirty, naked skimmer, please send nasty, dirty, naked skimming pictures of yourself, so I can have them published in your grandmother’s church bulletin.  KThxBye.

The WaitStaff will be presenting an evening of Smokin’ Hot Comedy to beat the winter blues on Sunday, February 27, at 7PM at World Café Live!  Our very special guests will be Dave Terruso of Animosity Pierre and Jaylene Dulap of Jaylene and the Judge.  The doors will open at 6PM, so you can come and have dinner and/or cocktails before the show (you can also have dinner and/or cocktails during the show, as long as you promise not to hurl any of it at the stage).

Get your tickets here: http://tickets.worldcafelive.com/eventperformances.asp?evt=1616

Visit the Virtual WaitStaff on the WorldWideInterWebNetz here: http://www.thewaitstaff.com or on SitOnMyFaceBook: http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=198525196831422

Pictures on SitOnMyFaceBook are a double-edged sword…on the one side, there are pictures of one’s exes, in which one can see that they have gotten enormously obese and hooked up with ugly people.  On the other side, there are glamorous celebrities hanging out with other glamorous celebrities at glamorous parties to which one was not invited, possibly because one has gotten enormously obese and hooked up with ugly people.  Sigh.

You’ve got that burning need to explore once again (Fortunately, a ten-day course of antibiotics will clear that right up.)

— there’s no use trying to resist it. (So cease and desist the resisting, Sister.)

You should make at least one major discovery by the end of the day, (Kiss me quick, I’m Christopher Columbus.  (Of course, with my luck, if I were (subjunctively) to discover a continent, it would be populated by incontinent people.))

(I’m just going to let you all party with that thought for an additional moment.  You’re welcome.)

even if you spend all your time online.  (“Spend”?  What is this “spend” of which you speak?  I am so poor, I cannot even pay attention.)

You might not have psychic abilities per se, (I knew you were going to say that.)

(See what I did there?)

but today you will have such a strong sense of your future (Is it just me, or does my future smell like two-day old ass in three-day-old drawers?)

(I just made that saying up right this minute on the very spot.  And yet it sounds like a veritable piece of Americana, no?)

that you’ll experience a level of confidence you haven’t felt in quite a while. (Depends™’ll do that for you.  (Squish.))

Your dreams have been giving you clues for a while now, and even if you don’t remember all of your nighttime images, your subconscious has been busy putting the pieces together. (Well, then, my subconscious needs to get on the fu(king stick and sell the bloody movie rights.  ‘Cause ain’t nobody reading THIS shit.)

Deep down inside you know how things are going to pan out. (Is it just me (again), or is today’s Kelli-scope awfully intestinally-focused?)

So trust your gut today (See?)

— it knows what it’s talking about!  (“And Echo there, whatever is asked her, answers ‘Borborygmy and flatulence.’” (That’s a little Tennyson, for you Yanks whose knowledge of poetry ends at ‘There once was a man from Nantucket.”))

The mixed signals you’ve been getting are maddening — sometimes they seem really into you, but at other times they’re totally distant. (Wait, “they”?  As in, more than one person?  And yet, I can’t get people to answer my phone calls and emails?)

You’re tempted to just ask them what’s going on, but now is not a good time. (“Not a good time” has been the operative phrase for quite some time now.)

 Just hang on for a little longer. (When you get to the end of your rope, tie a noose in it and hang on.)

 

Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

Karma karma karma karma karma chameleon

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Friday, February 04, 2011.  Here at Casa de Curmudgeon, we have Miss Tina Turner’s Simply the Best stuck in our head for no apparent reason.  (There is clearly nothing “best” about any of this.)  Himself is still fast abed, having, when last heard from, a dream about running into someone that he hoped never to see again.  On the plus side, he hasn’t dreamt of the EAC since that dream a few weeks back when they “fired” him the second time.

On the plus siZe, Himself’s ass.

Meanwhile, really?  More snow tomorrow?  Didn’t some wretched rodent promise us an early spring just two days ago?  Why do you Yanks keep that revolting groundhog on the payroll anyway?  (We don’t have groundhogs in England.  (I actually verified that on the WorldWideInterWebNetz.  This is how tedious and futile my life has become.  Weep for me.)  We do, however, have stinking badgers.  Not, of course, that we NEED them or anything.)

See what I did there?

You may recall that, several days ago, I opined that, if everyone reading this sent me a dollar, I would have one dollar.  Well, one Gentle Reader did in fact send a dollar, so I now have one dollar.  That, and my singular world view has been once again validated.  Thank yew, Gentle Reader.

Pease porridge in the pot, nine days old.

I have no idea where that came from.

Here is that WaitStaff show information again.  (Be prepared to see a lot of it.  I am going to plug this show like Hair Plugs Club For Men, and I’m the President; it’s the only way I ever get Himself out of the house.)  The World Café Live is a lovely venue for dinner, and there is no show after the WaitStaff show, so do make plans to stay after the show for a tasteful cocktail with Himself and the cast.

The WaitStaff will be presenting an evening of Smokin’ Hot Comedy to beat the winter blues on Sunday, February 27, at 7PM at World Café Live!  Our very special guests will be Dave Terruso of Animosity Pierre and Jaylene Dulap of Jaylene and the Judge.  The doors will open at 6PM, so you can come and have dinner and/or cocktails before the show (you can also have dinner and/or cocktails during the show, as long as you promise not to hurl any of it at the stage).

Get your tickets here: http://tickets.worldcafelive.com/eventperformances.asp?evt=1616

Visit the Virtual WaitStaff on the WorldWideInterWebNetz here: http://www.thewaitstaff.com or on SitOnMyFaceBook: http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=198525196831422

For those of you still unfamiliar with the WaitStaff (and shame on you), here’s this:

Watch the full episode. See more Experience.

Your karma is informing almost everything that happens to you today, (My karma is a chameleon of a different color.  It is also, apparently, an informer.  (Informant?  (Informuncle?  (If my informant had balls, she’d be my informuncle.))))

(All this on one cup of coffee, people.  Try to keep up.)

(A chameleon of a different color…what color would that be?  Horse.)

so make sure that you’re keeping up with everything that has gone before. (Keeping up with the Joneses, specifically.  Or the Joanses.  Joan Crawford, Joan Blondell, Joan Collins, Joan of Arc.)

If you need a boost, (Sit on a phone book, wanker.)

(Children born today will have no idea what a phone book is.  Progress, pilgrims.)

try a quick good deed!  (That’s a euphemism, innit?)

You’re moving into an introspective phase right now, which is going to help you focus more on your goals for the next couple of weeks. (Well, well, well.  Doesn’t THAT all just sound deep and meaningful?  Also boring.)

The next few days should be all about keeping things quiet (And hunting wabbits?)

and spending your free time homebound rather than out on the town. (Hunting wabbits sounds like more fun.  Hunting traitorous groundhogs sounds even funner. (Oh, fine, Micro$oft Weird™…more funnerer.))

If a friend has their heart set on a crazy night out, find out whether they’re willing to spend a quiet night in. (Oh, sure, it LOOKS like a perfectly innocuous sentence.  Then you read it three times, and the Hokey-Pokey breaks out.)

They might be up for it, and the two of you can take things to a more significant level.  (Clearly, by “more significant level”, she means “having the fu(k-sex”.)

Get serious about romantic karma! (Again with the karma?  Now I’m apparently supposed to take the karma initiative.  (That?  Was a little Lost joke.  For my readers who are fans of the dear departed Lost. Sigh.))

If you help a friend put together a sweet outfit for a big date, (Candypants™!)

the universe might send someone amazing your way. (Johnny Depp in Candypants™!)

(Because my life is SOOOOO interesting, I just went and Googled “Candypants” on Wikipedia.  Turns out, there is  a band called Candypants, while the actual edible underwear product is called “Candy Pants™”.  (Who else would keep you so well-informed?))

 If you blow them off, though, things could get boring. (Obviously, you’ve never had me “blow you off”.  Bitch.)

Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

Hit me with your best sh1t, why don’t you hit me with your best sh1t

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Thursday, February 03, 2011.  Happy Feast Of Saint Blaise Day!  May all your throats be deep throats, or some such.  One would ponder how someone becomes The Patron Saint Of Throats And Wild Animals, but one doesn’t like to spend too much time contemplating the Catholic church.  Even as a child, one didn’t understand why there was a special day devoted to blessing one’s throat, and yet all one’s other body parts got the shaft (as it were).  Of course, one learned early on not to question religious types, especially if they held any power over one. Nuns are really pretty much only funny in hindsight.

Speaking of wild animals, I am astonished to hear the crickets continue to chirp, even in the face of yesterday’s dazzling Groundhogs Day retrospective.  I shall press on, undaunted, like Lee’s™ nails, however, as today is the first of several WaitStaffian announcements:

The WaitStaff will be presenting an evening of Smokin’ Hot Comedy to beat the winter blues on Sunday, February 27, at 7PM at World Café Live!  Our very special guests will be Dave Terruso of Animosity Pierre and Jaylene Dulap of Jaylene and the Judge.  The doors will open at 6PM, so you can come and have dinner and/or cocktails before the show (you can also have dinner and/or cocktails during the show, as long as you promise not to hurl any of it at the stage).

Get your tickets here: http://tickets.worldcafelive.com/eventperformances.asp?evt=1616

Visit the Virtual WaitStaff on the WorldWideInterWebNetz here: http://www.thewaitstaff.com or on SitOnMyFaceBook: http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=198525196831422

You reach a milestone, (With my luck, it’ll probably be a kidney stone.)

probably rather early in the day. (Don’t look now, but it’s a little late for early in the day.)

That doesn’t give you the luxury of slacking off, (We’re just gonna let one of you amateurs make the joke here, alright?)

unfortunately, but it does mean you have a serious leg up on the competition!  (And there’s 

nothing we like better than lifting our leg on the competition.  Pish-pish-pish…take THAT, competition!)

 Someone is waiting for you to do or say something that you have been putting off for way too long. (Well, kids, no fear…I won’t be getting a jawb just yet today.)

Are you afraid of their reaction? (Well, not specifically.  It’s just that, for every reaction, there is an equal and opposite rereaction, and that sounds like a lot of work.)

Are you intimidated by their reputation? (Or repudiated by their intimation?  This is a truly dead boring horoscope today, Kelli.  Jeebus.)

Toss all your concerns out the window (Tossing things out the window would be ever-so-much more dramatic if one were (subjunctively) not on the first floor.)

— there is no need to hide your true intentions or desires. (However, struggle though I will, all the Spanx™ in the world won’t hide my entire dimensions.)

You need to open up and move things forward without any hesitation. (Well, now, let’s make up our minds, shall we?  Are we lifting our leg on the competition, or are we squatting on them?)

Even if they don’t go in the direction you want them to. (That last bit?  Not a sentence.  (See what I did there?))

You will get satisfaction just getting something going.  (A four-alarm fire leaps to mind.)

 Sometimes everything just seems to fit right into place — and today, it all clicks! (That’s because it hasn’t been oiled in a while.  Try some WD-40™; it’ll slide right in.)

(Does anyone have any idea what the hell we’re talking about?  I took my thumb off my script, and now I have no idea where I am.)

If you’ve been shy about asking that cutie out, (“Cutie”?)

step up ASAP. (The only thing worse than using that ridiculous acronym (inappropriately, I might add, in this case) is when people pronounce it as though it were (subjunctively) a word instead of four letters.  No wonder you Yanks won your revolution…we Brits probably just got sick of listening to you talk.)

You’ve got the best shot you’re ever going to get, (Which is entirely different from the best shit you’re ever going to get, on several levels.)

so just go for it. (Let’s get Nike…he won’t eat it; he hates everything.)

(Wet brain fart…who’s got the mental floss?)

Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

I’m bringing sexy back

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Wednesday, February 02, 2011.  In the interests of giving my well-manicured nails and my poorly-manicured mind a rest, today at Erix Daily Horoscope, we are going to invoke our time-honored Groundhog Day tradition of recapping every single Groundhog Day in Erix Daily Horoscope written history.  You will note that, in Erix Daily Horoscope: The Early Years, we mistakenly believed that Groundhog Day and The Feast Of Saint Blaise were one and the same; turns out, The Feast Of Saint Blaise is February THIRD.  Ha.  Also, you will note that, on this date in 2004, we referenced the Janet Jackson/Justin Timberlake Super Bowl Nipplegate Incident, being, as we are, always on the cutting edge of pop culture.  Oh, and: Justin Timberlake’s penis.  Not that that has anything to do with anything, I just wanted to think about it for a moment. 

And now, hold on to your Andie MacDowells,  ‘cause here we goooooooo….

Greetings, Eerily Repeating Identical Chronicles---

Here is your horoscope for Tuesday, February 02, 2010 (Oddly enough, one of Eric’s Daily Horoscope’s most memorable holidays through its torrid, turgid history has been Groundhog Day, which, it seems, has happened over and over again. As a treat for Our longtime readers, and to imbue Our new readers with a sense of the history and gravitas (gesundheit (thank you)) that surrounds the efforts of Your Humble Scribe, We herewith present every Groundhog Day Eric’s Daily Horoscope intro in written history, all the way back to 2004. (Long-time readers (at least those who have yet to be confined to complete bedrest in old-age homes) will note that Eric’s Daily Horoscope actually dates back, as We are fond of reporting to “Since 2001”. Unfortunately, the first three years were presented in cave paintings, which have long since been urinated away by woolly mammoths. Too bad, so sad, @nal s3x with your dad.)) :


**************(Way-Back Machine sound effects)******************************


Greetings, Eels Reel Ideal Creel---


Here is your horoscope for Monday, February 02, 2009 (Apparently, it is not bad enough that it is Monday morning. No, the EAC has decided that there should be further fu(kwittery thrown into Our day, and, consequently, they have put a hex on the WorldWideInterWebNetz which has rendered Ourhttp://www.superalternative.net inaccessible. Thus, We are forced to listen to RadioFreeCleveland, where they spent the morning interviewing some band called the WMDs and bleeping the word “ho” out of the “don’t trust a ho” line in 3OH!3’s song “Don’t Trust Me”. (Seriously…We are NOT making that up. Bleeped it, they did. Hos, apparently, are unacceptable in Ohio. Hostess Ho-Hos™ are a no-no. What the h3ll Santa Claus says when he laughs there is beyond Us.)):


(On the plus side, shortly after We tuned into RadioFreeCleveland, they took Us live to Punxsutawney for the annual Groundhog Day festivities. (Really…they did. We are not making THIS up, either. (Is Our life glamorous, or what? (WHO said, “Or what”?))) We are pretty sure We’ve never actually heard a live report from the very shadow-seeing moment of this auspicious occasion. Because, if We had, We would certainly have remembered that it takes place on something called Gobblers Knob, which We have immediately adopted to be Our new p0rn name.)


(In case you’re even remotely interested, the smelly little rodent saw his fu(king shadow, thus ensuring Us six more weeks of winter.)


Greetings, Exaggerated Response Includes Colloquialism---


Here is your horoscope for Friday, February 1, 2008 (Oh, see, now. Six hundred and eleventy-twelve days of January and, just when it would be a REALLY good time for, say, a May, or a June, what do We get? Fu(king February. Home of Groundhog Day. Over and over again. Not to mention the dreaded V.D. And Presidents Day, just to remind us all how very desperately we need a new one. With a BRAIN, maybe, this time. (Apparently, this has to be specified in advance. Who knew?)):


Greetings, Elastic Really Impedes Circulation—

Here is your horoscope for Friday, February 02, 2007 (Well, well, well. Look at that. Groundhog Day, all over again. Also, happy birthday to Christine, who turns twenty-four today. (And who, I fear, has completely fallen off this hallowed list…Charley, are you still here? Do you have contact info for Christine?) Also, it strikes me that it is also someone else’s birthday, but, as I haven’t my datebook with me, I have no idea whose. (Hey, I can’t do EVERYTHING. D@mmit.) (Also, since when is “datebook” not a word?) But happy birthday, whoever you are, and I’m sure you’re turning twenty-four.):


Greetings, Eels Repulse Iguana Collectors—

Here is your horoscope for Thursday, February 02, 2006 (So many holidays, so little hilarity. Ensuing or otherwise. Happy Groundhog Day (again (see what I did there?)); did the little p3cker see his shadow or what? Happy Feast of Saint Blaise, clearly an excellent day to deep-thr0at a Catholic priest and earn another star on your crown in Heaven. Happy birthday to Christine, who turns 24 today. Happy first day of the new SURVIVOR. Oh, and Happy Black History Month; it was pointed out to me yesterday by my granddaughter (Hi, Mo’Niques!) that I had neglected to mention that it was Black History Month (well, actually, “Munf”). And if there’s one thing We love here at Eric’s Daily Horoscope, it’s Our Black History. Or, as We like to call it, The Cottonpickin’ Chronicles. (Oooops…I’d better bl0w TWO priests, or I’m goin’ straight to h3ll.)) :


Greetings, Eric—

Here is your horoscope for Wednesday, February 02, 2005 (Happy Hump Day! Also, Happy Feast of Saint Blaise! (Although if I were gonna pick a body part that could use some blessing, I’m thinkin’ it wouldn’t be my throat. If you know what I mean. And I think you do.) Also, Happy Groundhog Day! (Of course, around here, EVERY day is Groundhog Day, but maybe that’s just me.) Also, Happy Birthday to Christine, who turns 24 today! Day-um, that’s a whole lotta Happy, all in one Day! And a whole lotta exclamation points! Also known, for the trivia-minded among you, as “interrobangs”! Which I’m just gonna go right ahead and make the Word of the Day! Because it sounds dirty! But it isn’t! Say it with me! “Interrobang!” See! That was fun!):


Tuesday, February 3, 2004:


(Happy birthday to Christine. Also Happy Groundhog Day. And Happy Feast of Saint Blaise. Whose name doesn't sound so much like a saint as it does a p0rn star, but whatever. Happy, happy, happy.)

(Okay, so I did some research. A football game is sixty minutes long, divided into four quarters of fifteen minutes each. How, then, is it possible that ONE football game was on my television for FIVE HOURS???)

(Dear Mister Timberlake: The move you were attempting was actually originated by Mister Mick Jagger in 1985 when he ripped off the skirt of Miss Tina Turner at Live Aid. Of course, Mister Jagger being a highly trained professional, his execution of the move did not result in a display of the aforementioned Miss Turner's c00ter, or any of her other private parts. Also, Miss Turner was not old enough to be Mister Jagger's mother. Because you were no doubt not born yet at the time, it is unlikely that you will recall that neither Mister Jagger nor Miss Turner made any sort of apology or explanation for the incident. Oh, and "wardrobe malfunction"? No str8 boi would ever say that. I'd being firing your PR people at once if I were you. Truly, Tipsy.)

(Dear Miss Jackson: Yes, you ARE nasty. Please go away, and take the rest of the tragic mess you call a family with you. Oh, and if it was such a shocking unplanned incident, WHY WERE YOU WEARING A PASTY? Truly, Tipsy.)

(Oh, I'm sorry...you were expecting a horoscope, and you got Andy Rooney. Oh, well; it sux to be you. Here's that 'scope thingie...)

**************(Way-Back Machine sound effects in reverse)************

(Aaaaannnd We’re back to 2010. Wasn’t that a festive little tiptoe through the tulips of history? Happy birthday to Christine, who turns twenty-four today. We hear tell that she has moved to suburbia, had a baby, and married a Republican, although most likely not in that order. We shall have to make an effort to get back in touch…perhaps she would like to hire a poolboy. At any rate, We trust that you have all ordered your Lunette™ Menstrual Cups (and, if not, please see yesterday’s Epistle to the Rich Corinthian Leathermen athttp://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2010/02/bermuda-bahama-come-on-lady-gaga.html (We are nothing if not self-referential)), and so, on with Our-O-Scope…)

(AAAAAaaaannnndddd we’re back to 2011…wasn’t that FUN, boys and girls?)

Today is perfect for making plans.  (Well, you know what They say about the best-laid plans of mice and men.  Although one has to wonder just what sort of plans They think mice make.  Seriously…when’s the last time you heard of a mouse making dinner reservations?  Or buying tickets to a musical?  (Cats, for instance?)  The whole point of mice is that they just sort of spontaneously show up, usually where they’re not wanted.  Where are all these “plans”, then?)

Your mental state (Oh, please.  I live in the only state in the Union whose biggest celebrity is a half-blind rodent who appears once a year.  How mental is THAT?)

is just right for holding plenty of dates at the same time, (My mental state could barely hold a fig.  (Get it?  Dates…figs…oh, sod off, wanker.))

and you should find that you’re better able to convince others to follow your vision.  (That’s all I need, is to start have viZZZions.  Himself already has crystal balls.  (No, seriously.  Listen closely the next time he walks into a room.))

(That was mean, wunnit?  Sorry.  I’m just delirious with joy that the groundhog saw Rachel Maddow, and now we’re getting an early Spring.)

(Speaking of lesbians, we watched The Kids Are Alright last night, and I must say, I totally do not get the appeal of Mark Ruffalo Rufallo Ruffallo Whatever.  All things considered, I’d rather do Julianne Moore.  Or Annette Bening, for that matter.)

Follow any urge you have to seek alone time right now. (Hey, I spend my evenings watching movies about lesbians.  It’s not like I need to “seek” alone time.)

Even if everyone else is in the mood to paint the town red (Is it just me, or does the saying “paint the town red” always make you imagine a LOT of work?  Since when is painting considered a good time?  No matter how long I live here, I will never understand you Yanks and your wacky, zany, madcap sayings.)

or plan an elaborate outing, (See?  When you hear “elaborate outing”, I am betting that mice are not the first thing that comes to your mind.  Little mouse tuxedo rental shops, and whatnot.  Calling the florist for a little mousie corsage. Little lady mice in mink stoles…talk about “fur is murder”!  That would be like wearing one of your relatives…like me gadding about in my Great-Aunt Fanny’s wooden leg and merkin.)

(I shall pause here, whilst the uninformed amongst you go and Google “merkin” on Wikipedia.  Trust me, you’re in for a treat.)

(Are you back?  Good…going on…)

you don’t necessarily need to join in. (Oh, great.  So the mice will be playing reindeer games with me.)

(Is it just me, or is it a fu(king zoo in here today?)

Listen to what your heart is telling you to do, then do it. (Lovely.  First, viZZZions, and now my organs are speaking to me.  Can involuntary commitment be far behind?)

Yes, it sounds too simple to work, (“Too Simple To Work” was Himself’s nickname in high school.)

but it isn’t. (No, ‘t’ain’t.)

(Heh. She said “taint”.)

 Opposites attract, but you want someone as strong-willed and hot as you are. (Mmm-hmm.  My current requirements are a penis and a pulse.  (Candy-coated popcorn, penis, and a pulse…that’s what you get in Crackerjack™!))

Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

That deaf, dumb, and blind kid sure plays a mean pinball

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Tuesday, February 1, 2011.  I’m not sure exactly what happened, but the sum total of Snowpocalypse Two Electric Boogaloo so far is that the sidewalks look like the top of your glass coffee table after a party in the 80s.  Not that I’m complaining, mind you.  I’ll be much happier sending Himself out to clear the path with a rolled up twenty instead of a shovel.

Meanwhile, Micro$oft Weird™ has flagged “boogaloo” as misspelled.  At first, I thought it might be one of those pesky American versus British issues; perhaps we spell “boogaloo” differently on the other side of the pond. But the WorldWideInterWebNetz confirms the “boogaloo” spelling of “boogaloo”, regardless of country of origin, so sod off, Micro$oft Weird™. (“Boogaloo” is clearly one of those words that gets weirder and weirder the more times one types it.  (Micro$oft Weird™ also suggests that I might like to replace “pesky” with “annoying”.  Consequently, I shall replace “sod off” with “fu(k you”.)))

In other news, it is unclear to me why, on what is obviously a “stay in your jammies with your hot water bottle and your woolly penguin under the covers” kind of day, I have been up since the crack of ass-thirty.  However, there has been good news so far on several fronts, among them the followers of these epistles, and the popularity of Himself’s YouTube video of Our Lord and Saviour.  So I feel compelled to ask (despite the fact that no one will answer, much like when Helen Keller falls down in a forest, and one doesn’t know if there’s sound, but what the hell was some deaf, dumb, and blind bitch doing wandering about in a forest anyway?):  do you share these epistles with others, who are not acquainted with Himself and I?  Also, have you shared the video with others?  (And here it is, just in case you felt the urge to do so.  (Or to do-si-do.  Whatever blows your dress up.))

And now, before the horoscope proper begins, a word about my Madd Editing Skillz.  I am, of course, available for hire to make all of your documents look every bit as classy and professional as these daily epistles.  And I am, in fact, completely capable of conforming to American English standards.  For example, in the paragraph preceding the video, I am well aware that “Saviour” is a British spelling, while the American “Savior” would have no U in it, despite that irritating American hymn, “What A Friend U Have In Jesus”.  Also, you may have noticed that I am a staunch proponent of the serial comma (as in “deaf, dumb, and blind”) for the laser-like clarity that it brings.  To wit:

“I’d like to thank my parents, the Pope, and Mother Teresa.”

Versus

“I’d like to thank my parents, the Pope and Mother Teresa.”

I just had a Slim-Fast™ bar for breakfast.  How much slimmer will I get if I eat the rest of the box?

The future seems much more enticing than the present right now (Wait…there are presents?)

— but that doesn’t mean you should just sit around daydreaming!  (Oh, no…I should sit here, typing my fingers to the bone to amuse YouPeople.  All work and no play, smoke crack with dull boys.  (I’ve never understood that saying.  You wacky, zany, madcap Americans.))

Get to work on something big that isn’t likely to pay off for a while.  (Trust me, I haven’t been paid in QUITE a while.  But just think, if everyone reading this horoscope sent me one dollar, I’d have…one dollar?  (Well, maybe two…there is, of course, The New Guy.  Hi, The New Guy!))

It might be difficult to understand when and how to be critical today. (Not especially.  I never seem to find anything about being critical even remotely difficult.  In fact, I venture to say it’s one of my fortes.  One of my most finely honed skills, if you will.  (Or even if you won’t.  What makes you think YOU’RE so damned important?)  Why, if there were (subjunctively) a job whose main duties were criticizing and complaining, I would be Employee of the Month thirteen months of the year.)

 In a business or professional context, you’ll have it a bit easier, though (Meanwhile, in a pie-eating context, avoid the blueberry.  (Also the dingleberry.  (Heh.  Dingleberry pie.  It’s like cowpie, kind of.  If cows used toilet paper.  Like those bears on that commercial…how revolting is that?  I think we can all agree that I’m hardly a prude, but I don’t think they should be allowed to show dingleberries on television.  Cartoon bears or no, they still shit in the woods where Helen Keller falls down.)))

(My digressions have digressions.  Try to keep up.)

— an early morning conflict will force you to look at things in a harsher, more truthful light. (There is no light.  It’s pitch dark outside.  (Of course, that’s par for the course for Helen Keller.  (Not that one imagines her golfing much.)))

(“Fore!”)

Err on the side of caution by being more forgiving and patient than you might otherwise be. (“Err” is such an odd word, no?  It always looks like a mistake.  How convenient that that’s what it means.   To Err is human, to Brrr is Helen Keller falling down in a forest full of snow, to Grrrr is a bear taking a shit on her.)

(Obviously, today’s Erix Daily Horosocpe has a running thread.  How lucky for you!)

(When I said “shit” earlier, Micro$oft Weird™ made nary a peep.  This time it is suggesting that I replace it with “shot” or “hit”.  Everybody’s a critic.)

Loving is more important than being right sometimes.  (I solve that entire conundrum by loving being right.)

While everyone else is fighting in the board room, you’re back in the lunch room, chatting up that new hottie. (Actually, I’m bitchin’ in the kitchen.  ‘Cause there ain’t no damn “hottie” here.)

Say out of the fray — you’re sure to meet the right person that way. (Doris Day, Nanette Fabray, Simone Signoret.  You’re a poet, but you’re unaware of it.)

 

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.