Pretty legs, great big kn0ckers; Honey, these are real showstoppers

Greetings, Etch-a-sketch™ Retraces Indelible Charcoal---

Here is your horoscope for Monday, August 16, 2010 (And a very happy Monday to all of Our drones and dronettes!  Shoulders to the wheel, noses to the grindstone, nipples to the wind, and titz akimbo! (It strikes Us, all sudden-like, that Titz Akimbo would be an excellent drag name for someone.  Especially if said someone’s titz were, ya know, akimbo. (Speaking of drag queens, from the It’s A Small Whirled Drafty Hall Department, We (and the WaitStaff) will be performing at a fundraiser at the World Café Live this Sunday, raising funds for a friend’s short fillum.  (Because We are The Sort Of Person who knows people who make fillums.  About shorts.  (Or in their shorts.  (One of those.)))  Now here’s the Small Whirled part:  We shall be sharing the stage with Miss Navaya Shay and Miss Cherry Pop!  AND their loose lip-synching ships!  Talk about up your cr@ck without a piddle!  Check out the festivities here: http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001248400015#!/event.php?eid=136408703056751&ref=ts ))):

(We Our Own Selves Personally shall be performing the following monolog, which is way, way funnier live:

)

(Meanwhile, in remembrances of this weekend past (kiss Us quick, We’re Marcel Proust (and a very special good morning to the one of you who got THAT (yes, Ovella, We knew it was you))), We watched Our Selves a fillum:  Sherlock Holmes, Super Action Hero.  Now, while We were certainly pleased to see Mister Robert Downey Jr. spending fully half of a Victorian period piece stripped to the waist and engaging in fisticuffs, We were gravely dismayed that We live in a country that so loves stupidity and distrusts anyone intelligent that the filmmakers felt compelled to turn Sherlock Holmes…Sherlock Holmes, fercrissakes!...into an asskicking thug.  Of course, this is the same country where some milch cow who couldn’t even be bothered finishing out her term as governor of the North Pole feels free to roll her eyes on camera when a constituent tells her that she is a teacher, because, ya know, book-learning is evil, you betcha, and smart people are bad.  Sigh.)

(In other news, those with perpetually twisted knickers might want to check out some facts from time to time:  http://www.aolnews.com/nation/article/name-that-mosque-ground-zeros-other-neighbors/19590651?sms_ss=facebook )

 (Our Our-O-Scope:)

Hopefully, (Hopelessly demoted to poo…Olivia Fig Newton Jawn.)

you've been diligent with your workout schedule, (Well, we’ve been indigent, and We’ve gone digital…does that count? (Those of you whose minds went directly to the gutter for “gone digital”…sit right here next to Us.))

and you've taken all your vitamins. (We don’t go for booze and pills on Broadway.)

You'll need all the energy you can muster (And all the mustard you can energize…(Pardon Us; do you have any grey poop on?))

to handle the constant attention you can expect from a minimum of one ardent admirer, (Well, a minimum of one is better than a minimum of none.  But not by much.  (Math is HARD!))

two well-meaning friends (Who just happen to be Siamese twins.)

and a host of new fans.  (What We’ve got here is either the pilot for a 70s sitcom or a Merv Griffin game show.)

You just can't seem to stop replaying that comment they made over and over in your mind. (“Your daughter’s pregnancy brings much happiness to our village”…why did he SAY that?  WHY???)

It's time to figure out why. (Dunno why… there’s your son up in the sky…Norman Mailer…)

(What?)

You're in what's technically known as an overexuberant state of mind (Now, see, here’s a little-known piece of music trivia…that was actually Billy Joel’s original lyric, until the first time he sang it in concert and his teeth fell out.  Now he’s an old bald Jewish guy.  How did that happen?)

-- which means your audience, believe it or not, may be less than enthusiastic. (Well, considering you only promised Us a minimum of one, who cares?)

Dial it down, just a touch. (Is a touch more or less than a notch?  Also, which is bitchier, a bitch or a witch?  Inquiring minds Jacques Cousteau.)

Sharpen up your pencils (They’ll come in handy for poking when milch cows roll their eyes at you.)

and make sure you've got lots of legal pads handy. (We Our Own Self Personally prefer maxi legal pads. The go better with Our disposable legal briefs.)

Taking care of business (And workin’ overtime?)

is the name of the game (Then it’s a g0ddamn shame some of Us are playin’ Old Maid, ain’t it?)

-- and you're ready to play. (Ball?)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

(Your Euro-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com

raise your hand, raise your hand if you’re cowgrass)