Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for GoodPieRupeeTuesday, February Forf, Twenny
Foruteen.
It feels strange for Us to e-pisstlize when
it’s nobody’s birthday. Well, nobody
that We know, anyway. Also, We feel as
though We shot Our proverbial wad yesterday, what with Maggie Smith’s side-eye,
and Jesse Eisenberg’s hair, and The Silky Smooth Buttcrack Of Life…
(No, really…go look: http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2014/02/hes-smooth-operator.html Watch Us shoot Our wad. Go crazy and leave a
comment. Or go completely insane and actually get in touch with Us!)
We just realized that We are somewhat
enamored of the phrase “The Silky Smooth Buttcrack Of Life”. Which is akin, at least etymologically, to
the phrase “The Jaws Of Life”. They are not particularly related otherwise,
although if you apply The Jaws Of Life to The Silky Smooth Buttcrack Of Life,
you clearly get Warm Kisses On Your Opening.
Somewhere in the Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!
universe, somebody’s Tuesday panties have a little wet spot on the front.
As for the rest of you, fold your hands and
give thanks that you know at least one person who knows what “etymologically”
means. You’re welcome.
We are also knee-deep in the writing of the
new murder mystery, so We really shouldn’t be in here wasting Our witticisms
casting Our seed on a stone (as it (subjunctively) were) for the likes of YouPeople. (“YouPeople” representing, in this particular
instance, Non-Paying Customers.) However, Our efforts today are being
interrupted by a visit to TheCutestDentistInTheWholeWideWorld, so We’re having a
bit of trouble getting started anyway.
We wonder if any Astute Gentle Readers will
notice Our recent editing change. Of
course, We also wonder if they will stop reading a stute and come back to
reading the e-pissode.
.
We are currently in the sign of Aquarius, the
only sign of the zodiac for which there is only one Starzina’s Time of the Month
Horoscope video. Fortunately, it
doesn’t suck.
Our
video (Aquarius, for you naked skimmers who aren’t paying attention) is above,
and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends: http://youtu.be/ovOtlxcnC50
And now, the HorrorScope…
Today is Charles Lindbergh’s birthday. He is famous for having given birth to the
Lindbergh Baby, which is the baby for whom the Baby Ruth™ candy bar was
named. And here, you all thought it was
named for that baseball player. Yogi
Berra. Silly rabbit, tricks are for
prostitutes.
You need to explore new territory today (Does
that sound dirty to you? Because it
sounds dirty to Us, especially in light of Our earlier anatomical musings…)
so see if you can get your people to back you
up (Oh, see, now…)
— you’ll learn all that the world has to
offer. (Okay, that right there? Was a
Smut Trifecta!)
Someone close needs reassurance, which is
easy to give. (Heh. Kelli said “ass”.)
You’ve
tried patience, (And We got tired of THAT pretty damn quick, let Us tell you…)
(Heh.
See what We did there?)
you’ve
tried understanding (What do you mean?)
and you’ve even tried dead silence.
At this point, you’re really not sure what
else to do. (Kelli prattled on for several more sentences after this one, but
really. You need to recognize an ending
when you see one. (Also, if you were
clever enough to bypass all of Our “dead silence” space and come this far down
to finish reading, why not drop Us a comment to say so? We’d be ever so
grateful.))
(Oh, hell.
Now We’re wondering why ”grateful” doesn’t mean “full of grates”. Like in the Hail Mary…)
Namaste, MotherFuckers.
In gaseousness,
Starzina Starfish-Browne
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but
better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For
real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good
friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our
Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better
by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
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